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Undertow


So why rock the boat and make waves, when everything's calm and okay?

He runs so that he doesn't have to confront his problems.

But, sometimes, I feel can't help but feel that what he's really running away from is me.


----


He hasn't answered any of my calls.

Not one.

I've left him messages.

Tons of messages.

But still, he doesn't call me back.

He's avoiding me.

I can't stand it when he does that.

At the moment, I'm staring at his door.

I don't know what's about to happen.

I don't know what I'm going to find.

Did he get sick?

Is he okay?

Busy?

Hurt?

…Did it happen again?

At the last thought, I lift my hand to rap my knuckles against the door.

Knock.

Answer me.

Knock.

Please.

Knock.

I need to know that you're okay.

"Yuugi?"

He doesn't reply.

"Yuugi, I know you're in there."

I can hear him breathe in sharply.

"Open the door."

Another second.

"Now."

After a moment, I hear quiet movements.

"Coming," he calls to me.

My eyes instantly fall on his when the door opens.

"Hey," he says, quiet.

I can feel my heartstrings strum against my chest.

It happened.

I can tell by his voice, his eyes, his face.

I can always tell.

"Yuugi," I say anyways. "Where have you been? I've been calling all week."

"Oh, yeah. I've been busy. School and all. I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls."

He lies to me, even though we both already know the truth.

He lies to me for the same reason I stay with Anzu.

To protect ourselves.

"I see," I say.

I glance inside his apartment and then back down at him.

"Well. Aren't you going to let me in?"

His eyes widen.

He's thinking of an excuse.

"Oh, uh, I was just about to head to bed, actually."

And now he's stalling.

"Can we talk tomorrow?"

I glance down the hall of Yuugi's apartment building.

I shake my head.

I can't believe myself.

A bitter smile graces my lips.

I should have known this was going to happen.

And I think, somewhere deep inside of me, I did know.

And I let it happen again anyways.

I will never forgive myself for this.

"You didn't leave him."

I didn't question it.

Because I already knew.

"Atem," he sighs.

He can't even look me in the eye.

He never can when he lies.

"I've had a really long day," he continues. "Can this wait?"

"No, Yuugi," I tell him, narrowing my eyes. "It can't wait."

"Well, it's gonna have to."

He tries to close the door, but I wedge my foot inside before he can.

"Oh, hell no, do you think you're getting out of this conversation this time," I say.

I push against the door, and he moves away from me when I am completely inside.

"Atem, stop."

"No."

I reach out for him.

But he flees from my outstretched hands.

"You promised me, Yuugi," I say, standing in front of him.

My skin begins to burn.

My heart starts to race.

I feel like I'm on fire again.

"You promised me you'd leave him."

"Atem – "

"Goddamnit, Yuugi."

I make another grab for him.

And this time, I catch his wrist before he can get away from me.

I pull him towards me, as he struggles in my arms.

"Let me go, Atem."

"Not this time," I say.

I yank his sweater over his head.

Because I need to see the proof.

I need to.

But the moment the sweater's off, I wish I hadn't.

I can feel my eyes widen so much, they hurt.

His beautiful, porcelain skin is covered with black and blue bruises.

His arms, his chest, his stomach.

Everywhere.

"Happy now?" he says to me.

Then he starts to cry.

And suddenly, I want to cry, too.

"Oh, God, Yuugi."

I bring my hand forward.

I touch his cheek.

I trace his chin.

And then I make him look into my eyes.

"Why did you go back to him?" I whisper.

He pushes away from me.

And I want nothing more than to pull him back.

"Because I didn't have anywhere else to go!"

"You could have came to me!"

"No, I couldn't have," he says quietly. "You're too busy with your girlfriend."

I stop.

And so does he.

His voice…

He sounds…jealous.

And angry.

But why would he…?

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask him after another moment.

"I..."

That part of my mind that longs for Yuugi's acceptance holds its breath.

Tell me that you love me, Yuugi.

Tell me that you want me as much as I want you.

Tell me that you need me to be there for you.

Tell me that you want me to catch you, and I will.

Not as a friend.

But as a lover.

As a soulmate.

As your everything.

"I just miss you..." he begins to say, and I feel my heart deflate with every word. "I feel like I don't see you as much anymore."

At something in my face, he gazes at me with concern.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, breaking his eye-contact. "I thought you were going to say..."

I shake my head, and then look back at him.

I'm so stupid.

"Nevermind," I say, angry at myself for believing that we could ever be together.

"What?"

"Forget it, Yuugi."

"...Okay." He shuffles his feet. "So – "

"You're leaving him."

Yuugi sighs at my announcement. "Atem – "

"Yuugi."

Without meaning to, I reach out for him.

I encircle his waist with my arms.

I press him against my chest.

I kiss the top of his head.

I smell his hair and breathe him in like a drug.

My drug.

"If you don't leave him," I say quietly, "then I won't be able to stop myself."

I look up into his beautiful eyes.

And I can't stop the next words that flow from my lips.

"If I ever see you like this again..."

I touch his chest and brush my fingers over the black bruise below his collarbone.

"...I'll kill him."


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