Randy's POV
I do not do alone very well, it is something I have learned throughout the years, it allows me time to think, to reflect on everything. Being alone in our home, my husband off deciding if he should leave me, or if we have anything that can be fixed, my children at my parents who informed me that they won't hand them over to me, only to Punk. Apparently I am not stable enough to have my children in my custody and I'm not fighting them on this in fact I agree with their decision. In all honesty with everything going on I'm not good to be around anyone period, I am so angry at Punk, but more so myself. I've known for a while we were falling apart and I take large responsibility for the position we find ourselves in but not complete Punk owns some of this too. I think maybe it started when we chose to take Alannah in full time, or when we had our son, our focus became not just on each other and he started to pull away. I understand that we have a family now, but in the process of becoming one we lost part of what made our relationship special. I felt neglected and I know it is so stupid but that feeling from my sub made me do some stupid shit. Being here alone is compelling me to continue down that path, part of me wonders what I would have to do to make Punk stop loving me, to give up, to stop burning with me.
I've spent the last day sitting on my couch, staring at the walls look for answers in the plaster on the ceilings, and feeling my body crave. I never met to start using again, honestly that was never part of the plan, hell after everything with Punk I thought I had finally chased that demon away. I was never so wrong though, at the first opportunity I did what I shouldn't have and I know that in reality was the start of our relationship crashing. Our relationship has never been perfect, it has always had demons, and devils chasing at our heels but in all honestly I would burn for Punk so why I chose this path is even a mystery to myself. I know I'm an addict that an addict looks for any excuse to use, and Punk not making me a priority would easily be more than enough of an excuse but honestly I don't think that was even my reason. I have these awful nightmares, blood on my hands, the smell of gasoline, the cracking of bones. I did it for Punk and would do a million more times but my subconscious knows I killed a person, I took their life and so I am now haunted by him in my dreams. I can't talk to Punk about it though, I can't talk to anyone I did what I had to and know I must live with my actions but at the same time it is just easier to deal with when I'm a little fucked up.
The reason though for the cravings in my body is Punk he wants me to be sober when we talk and so help me I am going to give him that even if it's the last time we talk I will do this knowing I tried my hardest to repair everything. I need answers, why he thinks I cheated, I would never cheat on him, his body, his very soul is the only thing I would ever desire and trying to replace him in my bed would be impossible hell the idea of fucking someone else makes me cringe no way in hell could I get it up for anyone at this point besides my husband. I may be his dom but he has more control over me than he realizes, he is my husband, my perfect sub so I would never do what he thinks. Yet he did it to me, with a complete fucking stranger, how the hell do I forgive that. Fuck at this moment he is out of town with Colt a man I walked in on my husband making out with and all I can do is hope, trust that what we have is enough to win over any tiny piece of a relationship he has with Cabana. They love each other, Cody and I have had many talks on this. Hell Cody's relationship is falling apart in many ways thanks to Punk, not just Punk's need for Colt but also Colt's willingness to run every time Punk calls, he would drop everything at the chance to be inn Punk's presence and Cody is starting to see that he may not have a chance against Punk's hold on Colt.
In all honesty it's not something I worry about, if Colt's a part of our lives then so be it, I would never share Punk with him, but he can be the best friend. I've always been confident that everything Punk and I have lived through, gone through together makes our bond so much stronger, our love deeper, but I'm starting to see the aftershocks in may have caused to us. The ripples that have broken us and we may honestly not be fixable. I just don't know how to forgive him for cheating, or how he will forgive me for the drugs, or quite frankly how to come back together. He's my everything and I'm not sure I could live without him, but at the same time somehow we always end up imploding.
I stare at my hands the fading scratched, marks from Punk's nails as I held him to the wall and squeeze his neck, and for a moment my anger was so deep, so strong that I could see myself snapping it. It's the panic in his eyes that made me step back and take his necklace, I needed to hurt him as much as he did me. He slept with a stranger and told me so casually then kicked me the hell out like it was somehow my fault he spread his fucking legs. I'm not sure us being apart is a good thing, hell I think it is going to give some wounds a chance to fester and the anger to only get stronger. I need Punk like I need air, but we are so not healthy.
Punk is keeping secrets himself, he gets email, texts, and voice mails and becomes even more distant, he is hiding from me. On top of that I found the painkillers he is hiding, I understand that he is honestly in pain but he is also an addict so how do I know he is not abusing them when he hides them from me. I'm not sure he is, but I can't confront him on it; it seems hypocritical. I decide then to get on to our phone account see what I can find, log into Punk's email's see if I can get answers. I'm about to do this when my phone rings, I glance down and can't help but smile. Its odd how I used to find this person so annoying and now he is a close friend, someone I trust. I've been spending a lot of time with new friends, people different from myself who worked there way up through the indies, much like Punk I have a whole new respect for what they have all been through. Though this guy is not exactly an indy wrestler he has become a great friend. "Hey Miz"
We chat for a while, talking about nothing at all. I don't bring up Punk until he asks, I tell him Punk is out of town for the week on vacation with the guys. When he asks where I tell him, I know this only because John texted me in suggestion I come there and not give Punk the space he requested, pretty much demanded I come before I regret it, that I wouldn't like what I'm seeing. I haven't made up my mind out whether this is a good idea, I told Punk I would respect his request. Mike hands up with me a little bit later, and I try to remember what I was doing, it's hard to focus when my body is demanding drugs I am avoiding. It takes a while and I make dinner before I remember what I wanted to check. I'm not a computer expert so it takes me a while to figure out how to get access to our phones and the incoming text records. His emails are easier to find, the man never clears his trash so I read over everything and then read them again. To say I am stunned is an understatement, why would he keep this from me, I can't protect him if he doesn't talk to me. Then again I've been doing a shitty job of protecting him from the moment we met. I've caused him more pain then these messages, hell I still don't know why he built a life with me after everything I did.
I think about calling John telling him what I found, asking him to keep an eye on Punk. Instead I call the airport, it is my job to keep Punk safe and damn it I'm going to whether he likes it or not. So I call the airport and book the next flight, then I pack a bag and call the security company we use. Hopefully they can trace this fucker and we can get rid of whoever this is fast.
I sit outside of the house for a long time, trying to figure out what to say to Punk. How to make him accept my help while our relationship is so strained. Finally I decide on a simple solution he has no choice. I walk into the house, it's late and quiet so I go in search of my husband. I find him in a bedroom wrapped around Colt and feel my temper start to rise but force myself not to react. I rouse him from his sleep and lead him from the bedroom, his brain still foggy he hasn't put the fact that I'm here together yet. I point to the couch and he sits blinking at me finally I see it click and the guard he has slams into place. "What are you doing here Randy? You promised me space, this is not giving me space." I pace in front of him and then turn slowly my eyes locking on the necklace he is wearing.
"If you chose to wear that then I don't need permission to be with my sub. My fucking idiot sub who doesn't tell me when he is in trouble. Who doesn't tell me when someone is threatening him, did you not fucking learn from Paul. You don't play with this shit Punk." His arms wrap around his waist and I know my voice is raised but honestly the boy is trying to get himself hurt.
"Randy I don't know what you are talking about." I literally growl and approach him, I yank him to his feet and hold him tightly to me. Needing to make sure he is safe and whole despite everything.
"Don't fucking lie, emails, text messages, pictures, I've seen it all. I'm not stupid I know when something is upsetting you. Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?" I think I may be shaking him, trying to make him see some reason. He tries to pry my fingers off is arms, but I growl again "stay fucking still" in an instant his hands drop and he is staring at the ground. I used my dom voice, and he reacted so perhaps we still have hope. "Be honest now" I snap and see him take a deep breath.
"No one approached me Randy, it's just twisted mind game. I didn't want to feed into it. It could just be some fan, I saw no reason to react." I laugh and see John, Bryan, and Colt all hovering close by, they don't interfere though.
"Pictures of you, lots of pictures Punk, of you, with our kids, with me. You don't think it's serious someone is stalking you! Look what happened last time, and you didn't even know about the pictures that time. Are you so stupid to think being stalked is not something to worry about? Hell last time almost destroyed you, all it did was cause you pain and suffering." He blinks at me and then shrugs.
"I got you though, so some of it was worth it." I sit heavily on the couch rubbing at my forehead.
"Was is really worth it? I'm so confused because if it was worth it why did you cheat? I would never do that to you. But that is not why I'm here, I'm here to keep you safe, to protect you. So just pretend I'm not here, I'll still give you your space just with me a little closer." Punk looks confused at my words and I can see a question on his lips. "What Punk?"
"You never cheated, what about all the guys leaving your room, the bus, what about Mike?" I think I may snort at his question.
"Never ever cheated, I couldn't, you are my everything and as a dom I would never do that to my sub. Mike is a friend, nothing more and I have no clue what you mean by people leaving the room, or our bus. Friends maybe, or people Mike may be with, he's a little whore and his roommate hates it so he uses our bus and our room when we are out. I thought I told you he was using it." Punk shakes his head and I see more pain in his eyes I'm not sure why though what does it matter.
"I'm sorry, I thought. . ."
"Doesn't matter does it Punk, what's done is done" he nods and rubs the back of his neck. "Go back to bed, I'll sleep out here, or in another room. I'm sure Colt is missing you." Punk cringes and goes to speak I shake my head to tired and achy for more of this. I need to make sure this house is secure and then rest. "Figure your shit out with Colt because I'm sick of it, and so is Cody." I state and then leave the room, John follows me and I glance at him. "He has a stalker, seems almost worse than Paul because whoever it is, they are not hiding there obsession in the least, hell they are mocking him with it. Does this place have security?" John nods and we go through the house carefully, checking every door and window, making sure the alarm is active, and then calling John's security team, after all I walked in and woke Punk up with no one ever knowing I was here.
By the time I return to the living room to rest, a spare bedroom seems so far away Punk is curled up on the couch with a blanket and pillow, I glance at him and he pats the space behind him., I lay down and he turns to rest his head into my chest, my arms wrap around him keeping him close. "You're burning up" he whispers and I nod.
"Withdrawal" I state and he nods "you going through it yet?" I feel him bite at his lip but shake his head no. "Should you be?" He nods slowly and I take a deep breath "just painkillers" another nod and I sigh "for pain or for something more?" He shrugs and this one sided conversation is getting annoying so I finally just close my eyes whispering "I still love you even if you are a hypocrite" I can feel his smile and his murmured I love you before I fade off, hoping by tomorrow I will have an answer on who the hell I need to get rid of to keep this man safe. Hell with everything we've been through I would burn with him, or for him whatever he chooses.
Okay i hope you all enjoyed seeing a little of Randy's perspective, please remember to review and thank you to all the readers who have come along to this ride from Twisted Seduction.
natsukileeRKOlover- I thank you so much for your review, I know I felt bad that Twisted Seduction ended so well and this just starts off so horrible, yes lots of angst and heart ache coming. I hope to eventually give them their happy ending one way or another, even if its not together.
lamentomori- so many questions indeed, i hope this answered some of what's going on in Randy's head, this hints at the stalker, but it still may not be who you think it is lol. Colt and Cody well we will get more into that in the future, there is more then just Punk involved. I think Punk uses Colt and not in a good way and Colt is so in love with him he allows it, i'm not sure how Punk can ever completely cut ties with Colt, if I have to write that scene I may cry and have a breakdown while Randymuse laughs with glee. He hates that we keep referring to him in stilettos by the way. At lastly I expect John will have a heart attack I don't think Punk cares which basket laundry goes in, more like the floor with Randy picking up after him lol.
Totally uninspired name- There are hints in this chapter, but I still don't think anyone can honestly know who it is, fyi it is not the obvious choice in here.