O HAI! SO I HERD U LIEK C/J? 8D

warnings: com-movie-verse? ^^; idk, pick one (pick the Roque you prefer? i thought he was creepier in the comic, myself). slashy leanings (but really, Cougar and Jensen don't need my help to be slashy). gambling, threats of violence. language: pg-13 (primetime tv plus one use of s***).

pairing: Cougar/Jensen pre-slash.

timeline: pre-movie/pre-comic.

disclaimer: the Losers belong to DC/Vertigo.

notes: 1) stuff in italic is Spanish. 2) whether it's video games or card games, NEVER trust a bunch of guys who say they'll "go easy on you." NEVER. 3) come on, like we weren't completely suspicious about the fact that in the movie, Jensen mentioned cheating and then Cougar turned out to have the only half-decent card... i know i was suspicious. and how extra-suspicious is it that Pooch and Roque were like "dur, cheatins? whatchoo talkin' about?" 4) while sleight of hand is blatantly cheating, card-counting technically isn't (as long as you do it in your head). it's just that card-counting is kind of an unfair advantage over a guy with the attention span of a hyperactive puppy. 5) Beth is the true master of the Losers. she probably has them all under her cute little thumb.

spanish
"ah, muy bien" = "oh, very good."
"tu tío es muy chistoso, no?" = "your uncle is very strange, isn't he?"
"buena suerte" = "good luck."

Fast Hands

The first time Jensen played cards with the Losers was on his third day with the unit. They were stuck waiting for their local guide for an hour or so, and there had been encouraging calls of 'no, no, we'll go easy on the newbie' when he tried to weasel out of it.

"We'll give poker another try," Pooch decided. "Haven't played any Hold 'Em in a while."

Clay leaned back while their wheelman dealt the cards. "That's because some of us have no poker face," he sighed, "while certain snipers who shall remain nameless have ungodly poker faces."

Roque snickered and picked up his cards. "Probably sold his soul for it, or some shit."

Jensen, not really having a good handle on the others just yet, smiled blankly and played.

They played for an hour, the five of them, and Cougar was the only one who never lost—he'd fold occasionally, but if he saw the hand through, he always either split or won.

That was the first time Jensen suspected Cougar of cheating.

A week later, Roque suggested Black Jack.

"Let's see your poker face help you outta this," the scarred man snorted.

Unruffled, the sniper had just raised an eyebrow.

Over the course of twenty minutes, they managed to fit in six hands. Cougar never went bust, and he always won or pushed.

"That's insane!" Jensen shouted, jumping to his feet. "He's gotta be cheating!"

The others stared at him.

"Sit down, son," Clay grunted.

"It was only six rounds," Pooch said. "Everybody gets lucky streaks."

By the end of the first month, Jensen decided they were messing with him. They were only playing for food and small cash, and they kept playing games that could be cheated with fast hands or card-counting. He knew Cougar was cheating, and the others had to know it, too…they just ignored it (and he didn't have any proof). So Jensen didn't play cards if Cougar was playing, and they relentlessly teased him if he said why.

One day on leave, about a year after he became a Loser, Jensen walked out into his sister's backyard and saw Cougar doing card tricks for his niece.

There he was, plain as day, crouched down on the porch doing the kind of sleight of hand that made sequin-suited guys rich in Vegas. Cards were disappearing, reappearing, changing places…

"I knew it!" Jensen cried, jumping up and down and pointing. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" He ran back inside, grabbed Pooch with one arm and Roque with the other, dragged them along.

Beth had the deck of cards and flipped one up. "Is this your card?"

"Ah, muy bien," Cougar told her, ruffling her hair.

"You made me spill my damn beer to see your sister's kid doing card tricks?" Roque growled. "I knew you had a complex, but this is ridiculous."

Jensen gesticulated wildly at Cougar. "What? No! That! Him! He's the one—he was—and then—and the card was like—and—"

"One more time, boy," said Roque. "One more time, and I'm gonna start cutting things off you in your sleep." And he stormed back in the house.

"Pooch, you believe me, don't you?" Jensen appealed.

But Pooch just patted him on the shoulder and said, "Paranoid," before following Roque.

Jensen scowled at Cougar while Beth happily shuffled the cards with her tiny hands. "I'm on to you," he said.

The sniper tipped his hat and smirked. "Tu tío es muy chistoso, no?" he said to Beth, who giggled and nodded.

"What?" Jensen demanded. "What was that? You two and your Spanish…plotting behind my back… Where'd Bethie learn Spanish, anyway?"

Beth looked up at him. "From Dora and Sesame Street," she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You just go back inside and keep talking all your grown-ups computer-y stuff with Mommy and Uncle Frank, and me and Uncle Carlos can stay out here and talk Spanish."

"You and Unc—" he sputtered, feeling betrayed. Then the actual words clicked into place, and he blinked. "Dude, your name is Carlos?"

"Duh," said Beth. "Uncle Jake, you don't really think his mommy named him Cougar, do you?"

It was tremendously damaging to Jensen's ego to have a five-year-old look at him like he was retarded, so he tried his best to assume a nonchalant pose. "No, of course not," he laughed weakly. "I knew he had a normal name. Somewhere. Same way Pooch does. Except Pooch's name isn't actually all that normal."

She didn't look convinced, but she went back to shuffling the cards.

"One of these days, I'm gonna catch you cheating," Jensen promised. "And then I'm gonna make them apologize for all the times they called me paranoid."

Cougar nodded and lazily uncurled until he was standing beside Jensen. "Buena suerte," he said, and smacked Jensen soundly on the ass before wandering back indoors for a beer.

"Pocket," Beth said.

When Jensen checked his back pocket, he found the ace of hearts. Beth giggled and applauded.

And that was the first time Jensen suspected Cougar of flirting with him.

.End.