ICHI – THE CELEBRITY…
LOS ANGELES, 2027 A.D.
The crowd outside the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood was swelling by the minute. It had taken quite a number of police officers to keep the street and the red carpet clear, more than in any previous premiere that had happened here before. And even though it wasn't the stars' first film, the fact that it was their most recent was enough to bring out the crowds in droves.
Again.
Naturally, media reporters were all over the area, speaking excitedly to their camera drones, or interviewing members of the crowd. There was one correspondent, however, a tall blonde woman in a sparkling red-orange gown, who appeared to be the most important media correspondent of them all, and that was because she was actually standing on the red carpet that led into the theatre. Holding an old-fashioned microphone to her face while speaking to a camera drone hovering in front of her, she reported:
"This is Mary Heartless, live from the red carpet of the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood! This is truly an incredible night, ladies and gentletoons! Just about every star in Hollywood is arriving here for the Rodriguez Brothers' premiere of Snatched From The Wind, the most talked about movie of 2027! And all around me, you can see and hear everytoon eagerly awaiting the arrival of Banjo 'Possum and Mary Melody!"
Apparently, that was the crowd's cue to roar in anticipation. Just then, a black hover-limousine zoomed up the street, and the whine of its turbines died down as it settled on the pavement. Then, the butterfly-type door swung open with the characteristic hiss of its control pistons.
"And we have one warm-up arrival now!" Mary Heartless pointed at the vehicle. The camera drone swung around to focus on the newly arrived celebrity. "Why, it's none other than the former Mr. Olympia and the star of several action movies, Arnold Pit Bull!"
A huge muscular white pit bull, in a black tuxedo and wearing sunglasses, stepped out of the hover-limousine. That caused the females of the crowd, especially those of the canine type, to squeal in excitement, but the actor seemed to ignore the crowd and stayed at the door for a moment as he helped his companion step out.
A purple and white female skunk, dressed in a full-length sparkling neon blue dress, held the dog's arm and stepped out.
The reporter continued narrating, "And he's arriving with his new red-hot flame, that famous French bachelorette, Fifi LaFume! Arnold's had so much bad luck lately when dealing with the opposite gender; hopefully this time he'll finally know real love!"
Arnold slammed the door shut and led Fifi into the theatre. Miss Heartless was about to interview him, but right then, Arnold's hover-limousine sped off as another one arrived. This time, it was occupied by—
"And arriving now is that exotic Latino star, Beeper! And he brought along his newest wife, Sphinxy!" A male red roadrunner in a black tuxedo stepped out, followed by what could only be described as a female sphinx wearing a white gown. They, too, walked up the carpet and into the theatre amidst the roar of the crowd. "They've been married for two months, but as you can see from their smiles, the honeymoon still continues!" Miss Heartless explained.
Again, she was about to interview them, but was once more interrupted by a glaring car horn, which sounded more like a train horn.
It wasn't from a limousine, but from a red convertible hover-sedan. There was no chauffeur, but was instead driven by the actual celebrity…via remote control, given his unusually small size.
Miss Heartless continued without a beat, "Well, well, well! It's none other than Sweetie Bird and Sneezer Mouse!"
At her announcement, the crowd suddenly hushed, like they did long ago for a certain black male duck.
A bit fazed by their unusual welcome, the newly arrived "stars" nonetheless tried to take things in stride. Sneezer, a small grey mouse in a black tuxedo and what appeared to be a black diaper, hopped across the front seats and opened the door for his companion, Sweetie, a female pink canary who wore a light blue gown. Once they were on the red carpet, the car was driven away by a convenient valet.
Ignoring the crowd's silence, Miss Heartless continued as the miniature couple walked up to her, "Sweetie and Sneezer are Mary Melody's best friends. They're the tech-savvy couple who help Banjo and Mary visualise the sets they're in while working with all those green screens in order to get them into all those incredible romantic moods!"
Ah, the technical crew. The crowd understood and cheered politely for them, after all, movies would be impossible without the production staff, right?
However, the cheering for Sneezer and Sweetie was abruptly truncated as yet another hover-limousine drove up. The door swung up, and when she saw who was inside, Miss Heartless stiffened.
"Ladies and gentletoons, this is it! The stars of the movie! The most romantic lovers of the silver screen! Banjo 'Possum and Mary Melody!"
The crowd practically exploded at the announcement, and streamers and confetti flew all over as a male opossum in a black tuxedo, and black roller blades, oddly enough, stepped out of the vehicle and helped his companion emerge.
She was an African-American girl, dressed in a very stylish orange gown, with matching roller blades, too. Her jet-black hair flowed down to her shoulders in a way that could only be accomplished by a hairdresser who knew what he was doing, and plenty of very expensive shampoo. As she straightened up, she held Banjo's left arm tightly and smiled and waved at the crowd, eliciting an even larger explosion of cheers, wolf whistles, and a disturbing number of marriage proposals—from both genders.
Not that there was anything wrong with that :P.
Of course, Mary ignored the exclamations, looked tenderly at her fellow celebrity, and gracefully led him up the red carpet. Naturally, since they were on a carpet, they couldn't skate very fast, but even then, she handled herself like an Olympic ice skater, and she even seemed to flow with Banjo as he, too, glided over the fabric with little or no effort…or much movement from his legs or tail, for that matter.
Miss Heartless continued as the celebrities flowed toward her, "Ladies and gentletoons, looking at this beautiful couple up close again…" she sighed, "…it's no wonder they're an international household name! Like…'bacon and eggs'! 'Possum and Melody'!" She greeted both with a friendly kiss on the cheek as they stood on her right, and the camera drone adjusted its position to put all three of them in frame—all five of them now as Sneezer climbed up their friend's dress and stood on her left shoulder while Sweetie alighted on her right.
Ignoring the production crew, Miss Heartless began with the typical annoying questions, "Mary, please tell me, 'confidentially', are these rumours true…"
The actress raised an eyebrow.
Honestly, "confidentially"?
"…that wedding bells are imminent for you and Banjo?"
The African-American almost balked at that, but she kept her reaction reined in, thanks to her extensive experience as an actress. Projecting a smile, she replied, "Well, I hate shooting down rumours, but sorry, all of them are false. Banjo and I have mutually friendzoned each other for a while now."
"Yew got that right!" added Banjo, also smiling.
Still, the annoying reporter insisted, "You two have come such a long way together, Mary, please, tell us how it came about!"
Maintaining her feigned smile, the actress explained, "Well, to start with, Banjo and I have worked on quite a number of movies, and—"
"Oh, no, Mary!" Miss Heartless interrupted. "We want to hear your story from the beginning!"
"Whut, yew want t'hear our life stories raght here an' now?" asked Banjo, raising an eyebrow and perking his ears.
Again suppressing a grimace of annoyance, the African-American "giggled" and replied, "Please, Miss Heartless, not in front of everytoon!"
"But Mary, Banjo, the story of your incredible success is an inspiration to aspiring actors and actresses everywhere! Right, everytoon?"
Naturally, the crowd cheered in agreement.
The actress quickly glanced at the entrance, where her director and producer stood, and they discreetly nodded at her. They were two friends she had worked with for a long time, so the screening of the film would be delayed for them.
And only them.
Mary looked tenderly at Banjo again, sighed, and gently took the microphone from Miss Heartless' hands.
And she began:
"Well, if you want to know from the start, it would be impossible to tell any story of my career if I didn't include my lifelong friends, Sweetie and Sneezer." She gestured carefully at her companions on her shoulders. "We met when we were kids; we grew up together, and ended up working together!"
"You did?"
"That's right, Miss Heartless. And if there's one catch phrase, one motto that we've stuck with through thick and thin, it's 'Dignity. Always dignity'…"
The image dissolved into a flashback as the actress told her story:
"My parents raised me with that right from the start, even when they sent me to the finest schools—including dancing school—and that's where I first met Sweetie and Sneezer…"
A very young Mary Melody, in a black tutu, kept tripping over herself as she tried roller dancing in a rather dilapidated dance studio. A young Sweetie and Sneezer were handling the sound equipment, namely, a run-down MP3 player and two tiny speakers, and the two winced as the girl fell on her face.
Repeatedly.
"And with my two best friends, I used to perform for my parents' friends and business colleagues. They practically begged me to perform our little numbers…"
Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie, dressed in bee costumes, tried roller dancing on the stage of a school theatre, only to stop when they saw that all the parents had made a hasty exit, leaving them to perform to an empty house.
"Then, if I was a good little girl, my parents let me go with them to the movies. They raised me up on Steven Spielberg…Robert Zemeckis, the finest of the classics…"
Sneezer and Sweetie sneaked into a theatre through an air vent, and let Mary inside by opening a service door from the inside.
"After that came arduous musical training at the Conservatory of the Performing Arts…"
Now the three were working by handling all the audio equipment of a very dubious smoke-and-liquor-filled nightclub.
"Then we finished our apprenticeship at a very exclusive drama school: Acme Looniversity…"
That same nightclub had a Karaoke Night, and the three were roller dancing again, only to be yanked off from the stage via one large hook and two tiny ones.
"And through thick and thin, my parents' lesson remained: 'Dignity. Always dignity'. Three years later, we were ready to set out on a dance concert tour…"
The trio boarded a rather dilapidated white bullet train, which took them to towns like Albuquerque, Odessa, Hell, and Nantucket.
"We performed at the finest concert halls in the U.S. and Canada…"
A spotlight lit the right of the stage, the music began playing, and the tuxedo-clad trio skated out and sang:
"Oh, we are the toons of the chorus!
We hope you like our show!
We know you're rooting for us,
But now we have to gooooooooo!"
"We were loved by audiences everywhere. Finally, we decided to try our luck—erm—to come to sunny California…"
The trio sat dejectedly outside an employment office, taking shelter from the rain under a hole-riddled green awning.
"We were stranded—um—we were here, taking a break from our last gig, but then movie studio offers began filling our in-box. After a bit of sorting, we decided to try Rodriguez Brothers…"
The flashback now moved to a sound stage. It was a typical Hollywood sound stage, set up as a typical old western saloon, with the exception that instead of walls, there were green screens all around, and the only physical props were a few tables, the bar, and the shelves full of liquor products. A young deer buck dressed as a cowboy sat on one of the chairs, and a purple skunk, dressed as a cabaret girl in a red shoulderless and strapless dress, stood nearby.
Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie weren't anywhere on the set itself, but only running the computer consoles beside the main camera.
The director, a grey coyote with a dark blue beret and light-pink sneakers, stepped up to the table and flashed a sign for all to read, "This is the motion capture rehearsal! Places, everytoon!" He stepped out of the "saloon", but within sight of both actors. "Action!" he signed.
The purple skunk then swayed over to the deer buck, fluttering at him and communicating her obvious intentions.
The director signed, "Okay, Vinnie, you hate her. Resist her!"
Vinnie tried to push the skunk away, but she continued getting into his personal space, and even tried to sit on his lap.
"And LINE!"
"Get away from me, woman! I'm a married buck!"
Naturally, the skunkmaid "ignored" him.
"Very good!" Then the canine turned to the computer console operators, "You three, make sure they can see the 'real' bar!"
Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie scrambled over the controls, and while it was not apparent to the camera, or to any of the rest of the crew, the deer buck and the skunkmaid could see projected on the green screens the actual computer generated image of the rest of the bar they were supposed to be in.
The director continued signing, "Now, Sphinxy, come in!"
A female sphinx, dressed as a farmer's wife in a white and blue dress and shawl, shoved the swinging doors open and stomped inside the saloon.
"Keep coming onto him, Fifi! Now you see her, Sphinxy! And LINE!"
"GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF MY HUSBAND!" roared the chimera.
Fifi turned and saw a very angry sphinx stomping toward her. Both tensed and took fighting stances.
"And she punches you on the jaw, Fifi!"
Sphinxy swung her left fist in an uppercut and "punched" Fifi square on the jaw, who expertly "recoiled" her head, staggered back into the bar, flipped over it…
…and unfortunately fell on her head, knocking herself out. She remained head-down, with her footpaws and tail sticking over the bar.
"Cut! No, no, Fifi, that wasn't right!" With low ears and raised hackles, the director stomped over to the bar and tilted his sign so Fifi could read it from her unusual angle. "You're supposed to jump over the bar, flip over, and then crash into the bottles!" He turned and signed to everytoon else, "Let's try that take again!" He turned, but Fifi wasn't moving. "Hey, I said to do the take again, Fifi!"
He leaned over the bar and signed, "Fifi?" After looking at her unresponsive footpaws and the tiny sphinxes flying over her unconscious head, the director slumped and facepalmed. "What a disaster! Get her to the medical wing, guys."
Several stagehands rushed up, extracted the skunkmaid from the bar, and lifted her into a stretcher.
As they hauled her off, the coyote signed dejectedly, "You'll be okay, Fifi, don't worry!" However, once she was out of the sound stage, the coyote raised his hackles again, slammed his sign on the floor, and brandished another one, "That's just great! We've lost more stunttoons on this movie than on any other! It's gonna take hours to get another one from central casting!" The director removed his beret and rubbed his face and head in frustration, knowing that more lost time meant the movie was soon going to be over-budget—
"Hey, Mr. Coyote, I can do that for you!"
The canine slowly looked up at the African-American girl who had suddenly skated up to him and blurted her very enthusiastic proposal. Naturally, he objected and signed, still with low ears, "You? You're just one of the tech crew."
"That was only part of her job description, yup-yup!" giggled Sneezer, from the console.
The director seemed unfazed. He turned to the girl, "Oh, really? What's your name?"
"Mary Melody, sir, but you may call me Mary," she replied, not missing a beat.
"A wise girl, huh? Okay, we'll give you this chance only because we can't wait for central casting!" He then turned to the rest of the crew and signed, "Get this girl into Fifi's outfit!" Mary hopped for joy and was about to skate to the dressing rooms, but the coyote grasped her arm. With his hackles raised even higher, and now with bared fangs, he signed an uneasy warning: "But just remember, Melody, you might be trading those skates in for wings and a halo!"
Mary gulped, and skated off.
Later…
Mary, now in Fifi's cabaret outfit, sans her skates and wearing black high heels instead, stood next to Vinnie. Both looked at the director, waiting for their cue.
The coyote, now with relaxed features, sat in his chair and signed, "Action!"
The humanmaid donned her best bedroom eyes and began coming on to her "victim", who, naturally, resisted her with disgust:
"Get away from me, woman! I'm a married buck!"
The director signed, "Sphinxy, come in!"
The heroine entered the bar, right on cue: "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HUSBAND!"
"Now you see her…"
The two females turned to each other, and tensed.
"Yes! And she punches you right on the jaw!"
Mary steeled herself for the "blow", but was quite surprised at how fast Sphinxy could swing. She felt the chimera's knuckle just barely clip her chin, but she still recoiled convincingly at the same time she jumped onto the bar as a "consequence" of the uppercut, flipped over the wood, and kicked hard against the shelves. The prop shelves collapsed and the liquor bottles crashed on her, covering her with prop "alcohol".
"Cut! Perfect!" Wagging his tail and perking his ears, the canine ran up to the bar and added, "Absolutely perfect!" again tilting his sign so Mary could read it.
The actress stood groggily, with little sphinxes flying around her head. Her dizziness was only momentary, because she quickly shook her head and returned to normal.
Just then, Sphinxy bounded up, ears low and a bit worried, "Are you okay there, Mary? I think I swung too far in front of me and—"
"Don't worry, Sphinxy, it's nothing I haven't handled before," she replied, patting the chimera's shoulder reassuringly. Then she dusted a few bits of prop "glass" from her arms, flipped her hair back, and asked the director with definitely much more swag, "Got any more little chores for me in this here movie, and/or any others?"
"Oh, plenty more, girl!" replied the coyote, vigorously shaking her hand, wagging his tail even faster.
Later…
An F-117 Stealth fighter careened out of control and was falling out of the sky, leaving behind a trail of black smoke. But just before it slammed into a hill, a "CUT!" sign flashed on the screen, and the plane suddenly stopped in mid-air, strangely enough, and even more strangely with a "screech" of rubber tires.
"STUNT GIRL!" flashed another sign.
A cherry picker drove up to the floating plane, carrying Mary, now in a grey flight suit, and it lifted her up to the cockpit, which opened and revealed a brown-red ratmaid, who was also wearing the same flight suit with the addition of a helmet. Rhubella stepped out, jumped on the cherry picker and handed the stuntgirl the helmet. The two fist-bumped each other, and as Mary climbed on the cockpit, the cherry picker led Rhubella off camera.
The humanmaid closed the hatch, looked at the director and gave him a thumbs-up.
"My roles in these films were polished, cultured, gracious…"
"ACTION!"
And as was expected, the F-117 slammed into the hill with a monumental explosion.
"Oh, and we can't forget that in all those movies, Banjo was, and still is, an inspiration to me: courteous and supportive. A true gentletoon."
At an outdoor set, next to a very ostentatious white trailer, Banjo 'Possum, donning a dark blue silk bathrobe, was sitting on a tan couch, drinking lemonade from a very tall straw in a very tall glass and calmly waiting for the crew to set up his next scene.
Just then, a very excited and dishevelled Mary ran up to him, her flight suit covered with soot and charred all over from her previous stunt, and she even trailed a few wisps of smoke, too. She extended her hand to him and squealed like a true fan girl, "Hello, Mr. 'Possum! I'm Mary Melody, your new stuntgirl!"
Banjo lowered his ears and eyed her soot-covered hand with disgust, and would have asked Security to shove her off the lot, but unfortunately, she was part of the production crew. Still, he didn't make any move to shake her hand, and just looked away, hoping the new kid would take the hint and leave him alone.
Realising he wasn't going to shake her hand, the stuntgirl simply said, "It…um…it was a real pleasure working with you, Mr. 'Possum. I hope we can later—"
"Hey, Mery! Mery!"
Both turned as a squeaky voice with a heavy Mexican accent called to her.
The coyote director padded up to them, and he was holding in his right paw a very sharply dressed male mouse. With his other paw, he signed, "I want you to meet the producer, Mr. Lightning Rodriguez."
And here, the mouse didn't hesitate to shake the humanmaid's hand…well, index finger, due to the size difference.
She couldn't believe it! Here he was, in the flesh, not only the producer, but the owner of the whole studio!
"How do yoo do, señorita? I josst saw some footage and asked Calamity here who de stunttoons werre. He sedd dey werre all yoo. I teenk yoo have some rreal talent derre, Mery, so I'm pootteeng yoo and Banjo togedderr een anodderr moovie. Come to my offeece afterr lonnch and we'll worrk out a contract."
At the sound of "contract", Banjo suddenly stood, ears stiff, in total shock. He was about to ask Lightning what he thought he was doing, pairing him up with an unknown stuntgirl who thought she was an actress, but Calamity carried him off before he could open his mouth.
As the two left, Mary called out, "Wow, thanks, Mr. Rodriguez! Thank you so much!"
At that, the marsupial turned and was about to tell her off…
Maybe it was the way the sun shone behind her, maybe it was the way she smiled, maybe it was the way her eyes twinkled with the reflectors, maybe it was the way her hair waved in the breeze, but now, despite being covered with soot, all of that triggered something in Banjo.
Something primal.
He smiled, perked his ears, and he was suddenly very, very polite and suave with her now.
"Well, ain't yew the lucky girl today?" he asked, giving her his best bedroom eyes. "Tell me, Miss Melody, are yew doin' anythin' after yewr talk with Mr. Rodriguez?"
She smiled, dusted herself slightly, tossed her hair, and looked tenderly at her new co-star, "You know, Mr. 'Possum, I was about to ask you the exact same thing…" she raised her hand and was about to caress his cheek, "…but unfortunately, I'm going to be very busy the next few weeks, working with you, of course."
Smiling smugly, Mary walked away, quite proud of herself.
Not to be outdone, however, Banjo, now very enraged, brandished a remote control and pressed a button.
Moments later, the stuntgirl was flattened by a very large anvil, and the marsupial fell back on his futon, laughing like a maniac…
The flashback dissolved back to the Chinese Theatre, where Mary Melody finished her tale:
"Banjo and I have had the same amazing working partnership since then. But what I want to emphasise most of all is that I continue living up to what my parents taught me: 'Dignity. Always dignity'."
The crowd cheered at her story, while Miss Heartless wrapped things up, "Thank you, Mary! I'm sure that you and Banjo will make even more movie history tonight, in your greatest movie so far, Snatched From The Wind!"
The crowd cheered again, and the stars, producers, directors, and production crew filed into the theatre among falling confetti, streamers, and camera flashes.
Later…
The crowd inside the theatre, all donning their polarized 3D glasses, sat entranced as the movie approached its climactic moment.
The screen displayed an American 19th century mansion that had obviously seen better days. All the decorations were smashed and all the walls were riddled with bullet holes, and the brown paint on the walls was peeling everywhere. Inside, next to the large stairs, Banjo, dressed as a Union soldier, and Mary, dressed as a landowner with a floor-length dark blue dress, were in a firefight against a platoon of Confederate soldiers, all human save for the leader, who was a large shaggy canine-feline hybrid, with light brown fur, red headfur, a white muzzle, brown ears, and green eyes.
The "Union soldier" was mostly a spectator at this point. He was obviously heavily wounded, lying down next to the stairs, and limply holding a pistol, futilely trying to aim it at any Confederate who came too close.
It was the "landowner" who was in most of the action, for over her torso she had two bandoliers, a twin holster was around her waist, and two rifles were strapped over her shoulders. And on her hands was a third rifle, complete with a bayonet.
The first Confederate soldier burst through the door, only to be felled by the bayonet. The second one went down as she fired the rifle, and as more and more soldiers entered through the doors and windows, the "landowner" picked them off one by one.
"GET THE NEGRO!" barked-roared the Confederate platoon leader.
That word seemed to trigger even more fury on the "landowner", and she steeled herself to counterattack with a fierceness that no Confederate soldier had seen before.
The canine-feline was unfazed, "We'll stretch your neck after you've 'served' the entire Second Cavalry! A HA HA HA HA HA!"
A shot from her pistol blew his cap off, silencing him. "That's only if you have anything left for me to 'serve' you with, you rebel slaver!" she growled.
The "rebel slaver" dove for cover behind a wall and let his men attack. From his angle, he could see her strategy perfectly: she was able to pick off his soldiers with her multiple one-shot weapons, and even saved her ammunition by using the rifles of the downed men. She seemed to have eyes on the back of her head, too, because no one could get a clear shot at her. Grinning, yet bristling his exposed fur, he reloaded his rifle, and waited.
In the audience, a young rooster in a turquoise long-sleeved shirt drooled, "She's so hot…I think I'm gonna [CENSORED] shoot myself and have myself stuffed just for her."
The "landowner" had just finished killing the last of the platoon, so she dropped her empty weapons, and her chest heaved as she gasped for air. "J…Jimmy?" she asked, looking around for her lover.
Just then, the platoon leader emerged, pointing his rifle at her. "That was quite a show you put there, Negro," the "landowner" stiffened and glared at him, but there was no escape now. "Unfortunately, I have the only bullet left in this house. Don't worry, I ain't gonna kill you here and now. I need to capture you alive and bring you to General Lee himself to collect my reward. You've been quite a pain in the #### for the Confederacy for three years, but not even Grant nor Lincoln can save you now."
The "landowner" looked around and smirked, "And what makes you think I'm waiting on Grant or Lincoln to save me, slaver?"
[BANG!]
The officer's pristine grey jacket was suddenly stained with a red splotch on the chest area. His eyes widened in surprise, and then he fell face down, dead.
The "landowner" then rushed over to "Jimmy", who was holding limply his smoking gun.
He weakly turned to her, and wheezed, "He was wrong bout th' 'last' bullet…!" He tried to laugh, but it turned into a cough that caused many in the audience to flinch. "Ugh…th'army life…ain't f'r me…Ah think Ah'll…be a stableboy again…it's safer…"
"Oh, Jimmy, you never stop joking, do you?" asked the "landowner", holding him close to start dressing his wounds. "Oh, no, you're more badly hurt than I thought!"
"Ah…don't you worry, Emma my luv…yew've…given me plenty o'reasons…t'stay alive…remember our promise…we're gonna grow old together t'see th'next century begin…!"
"Emma" had to wait for him to stop coughing, and then she gently held his head and whispered, "I love you, my dearest James…"
She didn't wait for him to reply, and simply kissed him full-on, as the words "THE END" faded on the screen, and then the camera zoomed out to an aerial shot of the mansion before dissolving to black and letting the credits roll…
The audience was clapping and cheering from the moment of the kiss, and the lights turned on while the credits were still rolling. A red curtain closed over the screen, and the audience exploded into an even louder ovation as Mary Melody and Banjo 'Possum skated out from stage right.
Or more exactly, it was Mary who led Banjo out, and again she skated with angelic grace, while he rolled along with minimal movement.
They rolled to a stop at centre stage, and for a moment it looked like Banjo wanted to twirl in place, but Mary's expert arms and hands held him still.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!" she began. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! We're completely awed at your response to Snatched From The Wind!"
Her partner again tried to twirl, but she didn't let him move. He simply added with happy ears, "Ayeeup! We had plenty o'fun makin' it, an' we hope all y'all had fun seein' it tonight!"
Again he tried to twirl, and again he was held in place. The actress finished, "Thank you once again for coming tonight, and thank you for making this the number one movie of this year! We would be nowhere without our loving fans! Thank you so much!"
"Ayeeup! Thank yew awl!"
The duo bowed amid an outpouring of flowers and streamers, and again Mary led Banjo out, exiting stage left.
Backstage, the two rolled to a stop again, just before Sneezer climbed up on Mary's left shoulder and Sweetie perched on her right, to hug her face.
"Hot diggity, you two, yup-yup!" said the mouse.
"It's a SMASH! Isn't it, Mr. Rodriguez?" chirped the canarymaid.
All turned to see Calamity come up, again carrying the producer in his paw.
"Mery, yoo werre beeooteefool. Banjo, yoo werre a hunk!"
Sneezer chuckled and added, "Yeah, Banjo, you looked good…for a guy…yup-yup!"
At that, the opossum stomped—and almost face-planted himself on the floor, since he forgot that he was still wearing skates. It took him a few seconds to regain his balance, and when he did, he growled with flattened ears, "F'r cryin' out loud! Whut's th'big idea? Cain't a guy skate by hisself without her holdin' mah paw awl th'tahm!?" His Louisiana accent got heavier the more agitated he became. "They're mah audience too, yew know!"
Calamity signed, "Banjo, the publicity department thought it would be better if Mary led your public 'processions', after all, she's much more experienced with the skates than you are."
"Whut does that have t'do wit' anythin'?" he spat like a spoiled child. Fuming, he sat on a chair and began removing his skates.
Calmly, Mr. Rodriguez explained, "Banjo, yoo'rre a good lookeeng guy. Audee-ences teenk yoo can skate as well as yoo look. We've got to keep ourr estarrs frrom lookeeng rreedeeculous at any cost."
"No one's got that much money, nope-nope!" giggled Sneezer, and his two female friends covered their mouths as they tried to stifle a few chuckles of their own.
"That don't make a lick o'sense! Ah mean, whut's wrong with th'way Ah skate? Am Ah lame 'r somethin'?"
"No! It's josst dat Mery has much morre expeerience dan yoo and—"
"Next tahm, gimme some skatin' moves! Ah could flow with them without help, if'n Ah really tried!"
"Sure. Why don't you GO OUT now and DANCE along with the Dance Dance Revolution X21 ULTRA?!" chirped the canarymaid.
Banjo stood, fur bristling, and waved his black skates at the tiny tech crew, "Whut da heyell do yew two know about this, yew computer geeks? Are yew two anybodies?" He fumed for a moment, and then looked at his co-star, who was trying very hard not to take offense at his outburst. Seeing that, he softened a bit, relaxed his features, and asked her, "Li'l Mary, how can yew let yewr 'friends' talk t'me, your fiancEE, lahk that?"
At that, Mary balked.
"My fia—! Now, Banjo," she chided, as if she were talking to an elementary public school student, "you've been reading those troll blogs again, haven't you? Dearest Banjo, you really shouldn't believe all that hogwash that Mary Heartless and the blogs keep posting; all of that is just a waste of bandwidth." She held his shoulders gently, and spoke slowly, as if he were a bureaucrat, "Now, please understand this: There is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. There will never be anything between us, okay?"
"Aw, Li'l Mary, yew don't mean that," he caressed her cheek with a rough paw, looking at her with bedroom eyes— "OW!" Mary's gentle hold on his shoulders suddenly became a death-grip, making the male flinch in pain and jolt himself out of her reach. Still, he was unfazed at that, and continued, "Now, come on! We're gonna be late f'r Mr. Rodriguez's premiere party!"
Seeing her predicament, Calamity signed in her rescue, "You two should leave separately in order to break up the fan mob outside. Let's go!"
Reluctantly, Banjo agreed, but just before he left, he squeezed Mary's left cheek and said, "Later, Li'l Mary! See yew there! Ah'll be countin' th'seconds!" Blowing her a kiss, the annoying opossum left, along with the producer and director, leaving Mary and her two mini-friends alone backstage.
The humanmaid crossed her arms and scoffed, "'Li'l Mary'. Can't that guy take the most 'gentle' of hints?"
Sweetie looked at her, "What, haven't you heard? He's IRRESISTIBLE!"
"Yeah, he told us so himself, yup-yup!"
Mary stomped expertly, despite still having her skates on. "UGH! I can't get him out of my hair. This faux romance is nothing but a publicity stunt! Why can't he understand that?"
"The price of fame, Mary, yup-yup," said Sneezer, sadly, lowering his ears.
"Yeah, when you've got glory, then you've got to take the little HEARTACHES that go with it. Now look at US!"
The actress looked at her friends.
"We've got no GLORY—"
"We've got no fame, nope-nope—"
"We've got no BIG MANSIONS—"
"We've got no money!"
"NO! But we've got…" The two thought for a moment, and Sweetie asked, "Uh…what HAVE we got?"
The African-American shrugged, "I don't know, what have you two got?"
Sneezer suddenly realized, "We've gotta get out of here, yup-yup!"
Mary looked at her watch, winced, and quickly skated out to the parking lot.