AN: Thank you to all my lovely reviewers – I get a little thrill of excitement each time a new one pops up. I'm not really all that happy with this one but I wanted to write and this is what came out, unfortunately. I don't have writing facilities at home so I have to make do with my work computer so, please excuse the poor quality.
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It comes to him easier than he'd imagined.
He'd known his excitement wouldn't fade or change and that he'd love their child with everything he had.
And yet, he'd felt that doubt (at the back of his mind, in the middle of the night when all he could hear were the sleepy mutterings from his wife and the deafening silence of his own fears) worried that he would repeat his past mistakes and somehow, in some way, he'd lose everything all over again. This was who he was sometimes – still stuck replaying all that he had done to cause all the pain they'd suffered – he lay in bed, her body tucked up next to him and he would think over his sins (there were so many – too many – to count)
He'd start with Angie (how he'd hurt her even before those terrible words that would haunt him forever) and he would end with how he'd acted to Teresa – so blind to everything but his promise to Them and how grateful he was that she was stronger (better) than him – able to see his transgressions and love the damaged man underneath anyway.
That first night home from the hospital - the little bundle of new life in his arms - he'd felt so overwhelmed; his son stirring against his chest and his wife napping next to him on the couch –he'd been given back everything he didn't deserve. He'd triple checked the locks that evening before slipping into bed quietly, trying vainly not to wake her.
"No-one's going to hurt us." Her voice was sleepy and quiet as he settled against her – the crib in the corner held their child and he buried his nose in her hair (she smelt like a far off dream from many years ago when she wasn't his - and oh, god, how he'd wanted her to be) and it was all he could do not to cry.
X
When they'd moved into the cabin, he'd changed; at last, he'd given her something – something tangible and real – that was for their future . They could grow old together there, watch the sun set over silhouetted trees and the noises of nature as their soundtrack. He imagined Lucas crawling (walking, running) through the grasses, an as-yet-un-owned dog bounding around the lake, his arm round her waist, every breath (every kiss, every smile) a gift that he would never tire of.
"You okay?" He hadn't heard her footsteps on the porch - he usually did thanks to the one board that would occasionally squeak – he hadn't fixed it; he found it strangely endearing (he liked the imperfect) The morning was bright and his tea tasted better looking out over the lake, watching the birds swoop and dive majestically through the early rays of sunshine. "Didn't hear you get up this morning…." She joined him by the balustrade where he leant, her arm slipping through his and she nuzzled into him; her hair tickled his chin and she kissed him briefly before settling into his embrace, her back pressed against his torso as they looked out over their land – he loved moments like this – the world seemed so right (their little son asleep in their home – the home he had built for them)
"Thought I'd let you sleep." He answered eventually and he rested his chin on her shoulder, his arms wrapped round her waist. "Still early you know and we did have a late one last night..." He tailed off and knew that she was smirking (they had fallen into bed, stifling giggles, hushing each other as clothes fell to the floor and she would always be able to drive him crazy)
"Nah, it's alright…." She sighed and wiggled herself against him and he momentarily lost all thought, "…but maybe you should be sleeping, old man." He chuckled and kissed her bare shoulder, letting the remark pass over him as they stood wrapped together on the deck of their home. Comfortable silence fell over them and he adored moments like this – it was them and it felt so worth it. The cabin had been their home for a year and it never tired to come back to the place he had built for his family – watching Lucas take his first shaky steps across the wooden floors; celebrating his son's first birthday (complete with being spoilt by numerous "aunts" and "uncles" – Cho had been the worst; the number of presents from him alone had practically taken over their house) and their wedding anniversaries – it had all been here, in this place, with her.
Her voice was low and quiet as she broke the hush of the morning, "I, uh…." She paused momentarily, "We need to talk..." Before she could continue, a subdued yell came from inside the cabin and Teresa turned around in his arms to face him. "I'll get him." She kissed him briefly before removing herself from his embrace. "We'll talk later." She smiled at him, almost awkwardly.
"We can talk now…." He responded before a muted cry (of what sounded faintly like "Momma" and "Dadda") came from Lucas' bedroom and she suppressed a grin.
"Think he's got other ideas."
X
"Later" turned into "much later" ; the morning was spent at a playground, watching Lucas cover himself in sand as he toddled round the sandpit before an unexpected Skype call from Annie in the afternoon (ostensibly relating to her planned vacation to their cabin later that year – Patrick quickly bundled Lucas into his arms and headed outside when the call descended into Teresa softly empathising with her teary-eyed niece about her most recent break up)
The late afternoon temperature had cooled considerably since the morning – Patrick was sat on the steps of the veranda when she finally emerged several hours later - Lucas played happily a few feet in front of him – hearing the sound of her approach, Lucas glanced up at his mother as she sat down next to Patrick; he tottered towards her, landing in her arms for a hug.
"Hi monkey!" She grinned and kissed his hair affectionately. "Having fun with daddy?"
"Oh yes, we've been looking for dinosaurs haven't we?" Patrick told his wife, reaching forward and lifting their son to sit on his lap.
"Wow, did you find any?"
"Nuh uh…" Lucas sighed and shook his head, "Look 'morrow…."
"Sounds good. Can mommy come with you?" She asked with wide-eyed enthusiasm - his face lit up and nodded eagerly in reply.
"Gon' find big one!" Lucas extended his arms to show just how big the dinosaur he would catch was going to be. He chattered to them both, his words still merging together and they replied with what they hoped were appropriate responses – Lucas usually liked to hold a conversation with himself, only ever requiring the necessary enthusiastic "oh, yes" and "wow" from his parents.
After several minutes, Lucas hugged them both before wriggling down from his father's lap and went back to the imaginary game he'd concocted involving what looked like a toy truck, some sticks and a pile of leaves.
"How is she?" Patrick asked his wife, moving to wrap his arm around her shoulders as they both watched over Lucas from their position on the wooden steps. She sighed in response and snuggled closer into his body, kissing the hand that dangled over her left shoulder.
"She's okay. She's still convinced she's lost the love of her life…."
"To which you replied?"
"He's no good and she deserves better."
"Which you thought anyway."
"He had a motorbike!" She paused, "That he couldn't ride properly!"
"I know…." He replied affectionately, kissing her temple. "So you said you wanted to talk earlier?"
"Yeah…." She hesitated, turning to face him and he could tell she was already trying to second guess a reaction from him; a sickening feeling of panic rose in his stomach – she hadn't been like this for so long - neither of them had been (they were happy now – they were together and everything was right and sorrow didn't cloud their worlds; not any more)
"Okay, I'm starting to get a little worried…." He trailed off, his eyes scanning her face as if he could reveal her thoughts before she had the chance to speak them. "Are you ill?" The words fell out of him almost unconsciously (he'd known something would rise from the darkness, take her away from him and thoughts washed over him like a suffocating wave) Her FBI medical had been the week before and worst case scenarios flooded his mind. "You're not sick are you?"
She turned to look at him, her hand reached to caress his face (she stroked his cheek and he was sure that he could never live without her) and the soft smile that graced his wife's face calmed him. "I'm having another baby."
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