A couple weeks had past, and I had grown accustomed to my new system of binging, purging, and feeling anxious in between. It was pretty much and every day, if not more, thing now. I was off in my own world, like I had been a lot lately, when Terri found me outside Degrassi waving a neon-colored flyer in her hand.

"Paige look!" Terri said excitedly, shoving the paper into my hands. I lifted up my sunglasses as I read it.

"Battle of the bands Terri? PMS broke up." I reminded her, bored. It was hard for me to get excited about anything lately.

"I know, but look at the prize!"

"Winning band gets a demo?" I put on a cheery smile, fake of course, but the idea did appeal to me. "Terri, we could move to LA!" A change of scenery could be good for me.

After Terri and I had fantasized about meeting the beach boys and the California sun, we headed to Mr. Simpson's room to sign PMS up for the contest. I had just hit submit, when Terri reminded me of something.

"Shouldn't we add Ash to the band? We need a singer."

"Not in this lifetime." I was still sore about what she said to me, though it didn't seem as important anymore. "Meet hazel Spice, the newest addition to our group."I informed Terri and I grabbed Hazel.

Hazel then turned to thank me endlessly, and sing obnoxiously, which really got on my nerves. I probably should have just asked Ashley, but I'm rather stubborn.

Later in Mrs. Kwan's class, we had to share our poetry. I was nervous and really didn't want to as I stared at the poem I had written

The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me;
I know I'm alive,
But I feel like I died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over,
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away…

I was unaware we were going to be sharing our poems. I thought Mrs. Kwan would simply check that we've done them and that'd be it, like normal. But there was no way I was sharing this poem, no way in hell.

First Terri shared her poem. Some love-dovey middle-school type poem. Spinner made a comment on it which caused a few snickers, but it really was bad. But when she asked my opinion on it, I told her it was good, just in a rhyming dictionary type of way.

Ashley however, had a great poem. It was all about pain, and losing people. I could tell it was about what happened over the summer, but it could have been taken in different ways as well. Either way, it struck my interest, especially since it was very close to my poem.

But then, the worst happened, Mrs. Kwan called on me to share. I was not going to show these people my inner being, that poem was just too personal for anyone but me to read. So I lied and told Mrs. Kwan that I forgot the assignment, as I crumpled up the piece of loose leaf paper that I held in my shaking hands. So what, I'd rather have one F, then have everyone think I'm crazy, even if I am…

After school, we held our first practice in the music room. Terri was wearing the outfit we wore to the cabaret last year, but that just wasn't going to cut it. I may have changed, but I still had my fashion sense. Plus, if she wore her outfit, I'd have to wear mine, which meant showing off my gross, disgusting stomach. Just the thought of it made me want to purge.

"Terri, what are you wearing?" I asked disappointedly.

"I had to get in the mood." She said as she played with her hair.

"Well cheesy pop chicks are out, go change." I ordered.

"No." Terri shot back disobediently.

"Pardon?" I asked cocking my head to the side.

"I said no."

"Terri…." Hazel tried to intervene.

"Paige just doesn't understand the word, never has." That one hurt.

I felt that feeling of emotions whirling around in my stomach again, but I tried to just get past it. "Whatever" I mumbled.

I hit a button on the keyboard producing a sickeningly poppy beat, and started strumming my guitar. Hazel began singly, off key, Terri's mush love poem, and after a few lyrics, I couldn't take it anymore. Not only was it not working for me, the whirling in my stomach was unbearable. I strummed a chord loudly and exited dramatically as I told them this wasn't working. But before going to my locker, I had to stop in the washroom to get rid of this feeling.

After fleeing Degrassi, I stopped by Ashley's, where I could hear the faint sound of the piano and her voice singing softly, as I rang the doorbell. When Ashley answered, she didn't look amused.

"What?" Ashley asked, arms crossed over her chest.

"Ash, we need you." I begged.

"For what?" she inquired.

"The band, we're horrible without you, and we need your genius for lyrics. We need something real." I confessed to her.

"Something real?" she asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, you know, like how it feels to get dumped, pain, abuse, anything you want, it just has to be real." I said while looking down.

"This doesn't sound like the old Paige." She told me.

"Well maybe I've changed." It was true.

"Do you really think we have a chance?" she asked, curiously.

"You know what, I do." I said confidently.

a/n:the "poem" Paige wrote, is actually a verse from Superchick's Beauty From Pain.