1Date: 1213 B.C.E.
To: iamyourgodthunderbolt.god
From: appletosserdiscordian.god
Subject: gifts
Father,
While I know it wasn't your job to plan the guest list, I expected to at least have been informed that I had not been invited. Regardless, I have sent along a novel wedding gift anyway. I figured I might as well do something creative, and when I saw it among the peddler's goods, I knew that it was perfect for the honeymoon. Don't let them know what it is, I want them to figure it out for themselves, but I figured I might as well let you in on it. I've sent them a whack-and-unwrap chocolate apple. They really are very tasty. The gift card should be flattery enough to get me invited to the anniversary party at least.
I must go for now, but I do expect wedding photos soon.
Yours,
Eris