Chapter 3: Hypothetically Speaking
Morgan Abank's parentage was not her only concern. Like most of the young population, she was also pumped full of heart-thumping, loin-burning, fool-making hormones, and was quite concerned with matters of the heart. The young man who had caught her eye was none other than the sweet-talking buffoon, Inigo. She wasn't entirely sure what so attracted her to him, but she did know that watching him get rejected by girl after girl was tremendously entertaining. They met by chance one day while Morgan was shopping for books for herself and her father.
"Hello, Morgan," Inigo greeted. "You're looking quite lovely today."
Morgan grinned. "Well, thanks, Inigo! You're looking alright yourself!"
Inigo inched closer, wearing that smooth smile that always seemed to net him a painful rejection. "Morgan, how does tea sound? Cake, perhaps?"
Morgan Abank, the youngest, smallest, and most eccentric of the future children, never expected to actually be approached by Inigo for a date, however shallow his intentions. Perhaps he was especially lonely, desperate, or both. Perhaps he'd been dared, or perhaps Morgan had actually won the romantic lottery. Regardless, she figured, a date was a date. However, Inigo was not the only thing in town that had attracted her attention. The brownies in the window of the upscale cafe down the street, the ones with the nuts on top and a light drizzle of caramel, were also looking rather delectable...
"Tea sounds great!"
"Are you free now?" Inigo asked.
"You bet!"
And that was how her date with Inigo began, but, like the budding tactician she was, Morgan Abank was crafting a plan. If executed perfectly, she could get exactly what she wanted from Inigo while also, perhaps, getting Inigo himself.
"So, Inigo, what made you want to take me out today?" she asked, interrupting his stream of terrible pickup lines and pathetic attempts at flirting. "Did someone reject you or what?"
"Yes, actually." Inigo said. "Severa did. And Kjelle, and Lucina, and Noire, and this one redhead I met earlier."
Morgan was dumbfounded, but she shouldn't have been, because it was Inigo. "Well, I can't say...uh... I mean, you certainly have a way with... Inigo, you asked out five women in one day?!"
"The last hour, actually. Want to know how many ladies I asked in the whole day?"
"Er...no. No, that's all I need to know," Morgan replied, smiling sweetly. She may have had a rather large crush on Inigo, but she was a tactician first, an unlicensed businesswoman second, and a horny young adult third. "Inigo, it sounds like you could use some professional help! And lucky you, I've got just the thing – but it'll cost you!"
"Professional help? Trust me, Morgan, you can't break me of this habit."
"Huh? No! I mean that I can help you score more women! Women that actually stay for the whole date!"
"Why would I need professional help? Surely the ladies will eventually fall for my good looks and charm."
"Good looks and charm? Come on, you got rejected five times in ONE HOUR! You know this will be a great deal!"
"Fine," Inigo said. "But nothing over 1500."
Morgan rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "So you've got 1500 on you?"
"...Yes."
Morgan promptly dragged Inigo to the fancy cafe with the equally fancy prices, and insisted that it was where she wished to go. Inigo gave her a pained smile and asked if she was certain, but Morgan Abank put on her best puppy face and fluttered her eyelashes at him. He relented, and 1000 gold later they were enjoying two adorable slices of shortcake and some tea. Inigo's wallet pleaded for mercy, but none would be had.
"So, Inigo, let's talk about your woman problems," Morgan said around that sweet, sweet cake. "What do you do? What do you say? And when, exactly, do they start walking away?"
Inigo explained that there were three types of women: those who endured him, those who avoided him, and those who didn't know him. Those who endured him usually politely declined his requests for dates. Those who avoided him, such as Severa, actively went out of their way to not speak to him, and were hostile when asked out. Those who didn't know him would eventually fall into one of the two previous categories.
"Since you're here, I suppose you just endure my presence," Inigo said.
"Incorrect! I'll have you know I fall into none of those categories," Morgan informed him. "I am your teacher! Your counselor! Your guide! Now, Inigo, tell your teacher. Is there a girl you'd especially like to go on a date with tonight?"
"Well... I've been trying for Severa for weeks now, but she always hits me."
Of course it would be Severa. What was so appealing about her anyway? She had an attitude and she hit Inigo on a regular basis, for Naga's sake. Morgan Abank felt the childish jealousy knotting in her stomach, but she held her tongue. This was business, and she was not a child.
"Well, Inigo, I can make all your dreams come true! I'll get you a date with Severa tomorrow night," Morgan said. "But first we gotta practice. I can't just send you out into the battlefield unprepared, oh, no. I'm gonna teach you how to treat a lady!"
Inigo nodded, but he did not seem to follow. "So... What do we do?"
"I'm saying that this is a practice date! You just act natural and show me how you treat girls on dates. I'll guide you and correct you if you do anything wrong!"
Morgan Abank had Inigo in her grasp now. She could see the beautiful caramel-nut brownies in the display just behind him. But, gods above, her nethers were acting up, and while the brownies were a-calling, she couldn't help but wish she had Inigo in her grasp in a different sort of way. Patience, Morgan, she had to tell herself. The plan was already in action.
"So, Inigo," she said, "say that your hypothetical date has finished all of her tea and cake, but she wants something... a bit more." She leaned forward and fluttered her eyelashes a bit. "What do you do?"
"M-more?" Inigo fumbled with the teapot at the center of the table. "More tea?" He poured.
"No- Well, okay, more tea is nice, yeah... But that's not what I'm asking! Your date wants... a brownie. One of those." Morgan pointed past Inigo at the brownies in the display. "Won't you get it for her?"
"Of course!"
Inigo returned momentarily, 300 gold coins poorer and with brownie in hand. As he laid it in front of Morgan, the look on his face said that something had just clicked within his brain.
"Morgan," he said, quite seriously, "are you just doing this so I'll buy you things?"
Perhaps Inigo was smarter than he seemed. Morgan feigned hurt. "Of course not! Why would you even say that about me? I just want to help!"
Inigo looked away, cleared his throat awkwardly, and sat back down. "I... Of course, Morgan, forgive me."
The brownie was gone in record time, and, sweet Naga, was it ever worth it. Morgan Abank felt, however, that achieving Inigo would never be as easy as that. She stood up when she was done, and Inigo followed suit. Once outside, Morgan stuck her arm in his.
"Um, Morgan-"
"Remember, this is just practice," Morgan reminded him. "Now then. Hypothetically... where would you take your date next?"
"Ah, well, hypothetically, um... I would take her to the lake? It's quite lovely if you go at this time of day."
The sun hung low in the sky when they left the cafe. Morgan Abank laid out the basics of not offending women while they walked. That is, don't whistle at women, no kisses on the first date, don't tell them you've loved them all along, and do not, under any circumstances, comment on a stranger's ass unless you want to get beaten down. It was getting quite dark out by the time they reached the lake, and the summer fireflies were beginning to light up.
Morgan leaned into Inigo's arm. "So," she said, "your date thinks this is lovely. And... and she wants you to kiss her! Do you do it?"
Inigo gazed into her eyes, and it wasn't butterflies that began fluttering around in her stomach. No, these were fire-breathing wyverns stirring up a hurricane in her stomach and setting her loins aflame. At last, the moment she secretly thought about in bed at night was to become a reality. Any moment now...
"No. I wouldn't," Inigo replied after a time.
Morgan Abank could have died right then. "W-why not?"
"I mean, I wouldn't want to offend her," Inigo said. "Kissing isn't allowed on the first date, after all. You said so yourself."
Damn. He got her there.
"...That's right! Good job, Inigo! You're learning!" Morgan laughed, but inside she was screaming. She had done this to herself. Damn it all!
Inigo escorted her home to the castle before heading back to town to do god knows what. Probably to flirt with all the night-life ladies using the tips Morgan had handed off to him, that bastard. But the war was not yet over. No, tomorrow, Morgan Abank would team with Severa, and together they would both get what they desired from Inigo.