The Mural Room.
As Toby and Sam come in one door, Ed, Larry and five staffers come through another, chattering amongst themselves.
Toby- Okay, I'm going to say this once. And it'll be the only time, in this life, that you will hear me say it, but… I need your help.
The sudden silence is deafening. The staffers stare at Toby like he just grew a second head.
Ed- Say that again.
Toby- No.
Larry- You need to say that again.
Toby- I just told you I'll only say it once in this lifetime. You want me to break my vow thirty seconds later?
Sam- (Interrupts) Everybody, please take your seats.
Toby- What are you? The Mural Room MC?
Sam- I'm trying to be polite.
Toby- (Points at Larry) To Ed? (Points at Ed) And Larry? And… do the rest of you even have names?
Ed- I'm Ed.
Larry- I'm Larry.
Sam- This is why they like me more.
Staffer- That's true.
Toby- I don't care.
Staffer- You do a little.
Toby- Listen… the president wants to drop in an amendment.
Ed- No!
Sam- 'Fraid so.
Larry- And you want our help?
Toby- You're gonna hold that over me forever, aren't you?
Larry- Actually, right now I'm missing the days when you did everything yourself.
Toby- I'll bet.
Door opens, and Ainsley Hayes enters.
Ainsley- You rang?
Sam- We sent a message.
Ainsley- Which came on a phone.
Sam- Yeah.
Ainsley- Phones ring.
Toby- We need to run something by you.
Ainsley- Okay…
Suddenly, the door bursts open and Josh all but explodes into the room!
Josh- Get me the FBI!
Ainsley- Hey Josh…
Josh- Get me the CIA! Get me the NSA! Get me that guy from the comic books with the cowl who's a good detective!
Sam- You mean Batman?
Josh- That's him!
Sam- You want us to get you Batman?
Josh- Yeah!
Sam- You know he's fictional, right?
Josh- I don't care! I want Batman to find this… this cyber-terrorist who slandered me all over the internet, and I want him to… I don't know… Batarang him!
Toby- There is so much wrong with that sentence.
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- First, and by no means least, is the fact that Batarang is a noun, not a verb.
Larry- What?
Toby- A Batarang. It's not something you do. It's a… a thing. He keeps it clipped to his belt. He throws it at people.
Josh- It disturbs me how much you know about Batman.
Toby- It disturbs me how little you know about Batman.
Josh- This fascist comedian with the cheap camera phone needs to be arrested, he needs to be tortured, and then we need to make him eat the phone!
Ainsley- Can someone please explain to me what's going on?
Josh- You didn't see it?
Ainsley- See what?
Josh- Ainsley, I can't explain how much I love you right now…
Ainsley- Okay.
Toby- Can we please move on from the episode of Communist Kojack playing in Josh's head?
Sam- Do you really want to do that?
Toby- No. What I want is for all of us to perform an impromptu skit satirising Josh's impersonation of John Wayne joining the Village People as a replacement for the regular cowboy.
Sam- You think that needs satirising?
Ainsley- Now I really need someone to explain…
Toby- Can we focus? Please?
Josh- I hate you. I hate all of you. Except… Ainsley. Whom I love.
Ainsley- Love you too, Josh.
Sam- Only until you see the video.
Toby- Ainsley, the president wants us to drop in an amendment to Article 43 of Resolution 872, calling for a 30% reduction in fossil-fuel emissions rather than a 25% reduction.
Ainsley- Ohhh…
Sam- What do you think?
Ainsley- I think Congress is going to take you out for a walk.
Sam- Yeah.
Ainsley- It's going to be perceived as a last-minute buttonhook, and an already overly-liberal president trying to force through his own agenda against the express wishes of the majority of Congress.
Toby- You don't think the Congressional Majority will do everything they can to stop the American public finding out that what they want can be overturned by an overly-liberal president?
Ainsley- It can't.
Toby- Understand that I don't agree with your assessment that he's an overly–
Ainsley- It's not my personal assessment.
Toby- Okay.
Ainsley- I'm saying it can't be done. You can't force it through.
Toby- Then what, in your opinion, are we doing here?
Ainsley- Wasting time chasing a pipe dream. Because the fact is, the president is overly-liberal – and he thinks he's pursuing a noble cause – but in this situation he's Sisyphus.
Sam- Say that three times fast.
Larry- Sisyphus?
Ainsley- Yeah.
Larry- The president's a coward?
Toby- He's… No! He's not a sissy! Sisyphus is a character from Greek mythology, condemned to push a rock up the same hill for eternity.
Ainsley- It's an exercise in futility.
Josh- Which is what we're doing here.
Ainsley- That's right.
Toby- And now we're all caught up. So let's get started… pushing the rock up the hill.
Cut to: EB Outer Office.
Charlie Young is at his desk, going through some correspondence when Leo enters.
Leo- Charlie. Can I see him?
Charlie- He just finished up a call. You can go through.
Leo- Thanks.
Leo passes Charlie's desk, and steps through a door into:
The Oval Office.
President Josiah Bartlet is sitting in an armchair in the middle of the room, reading a file. He takes off his glasses, looks up when Leo enters.
Bartlet- Are you here to scold me, Leo?
Leo- No, Mr President.
Bartlet- Really? You're not coming in here to tell me I'm tying up the Senior Staff on a pointless mission when you have an entire country to run?
Leo- Is that what you think, Mr President?
Bartlet- Leo…
Leo- I'm not here to scold you.
Bartlet- Then why are you here?
Leo- You know you have the entire Senior Staff tied up when we have a country to run?
Bartlet- (Stands up)Here we go…
He starts pacing. Leo follows him around the room.
Leo- What are you doing? You know we're not going to get it through at 30%.
Bartlet- And why not?
Leo- Excuse me?
Bartlet- Why won't we get it through at 30%?
Leo- Because we barely managed to get it through by a two-vote squeak at 25%.
Bartlet- And maybe that's our fault. Maybe we didn't try hard enough.
Leo- Don't say that.
Bartlet- Maybe we need the extra push of an impossible job to get something done around here!
Leo- That's incredibly unfair!
Bartlet- What?
Leo- Josh took point, and they wore themselves out carrying this down the field. 25% was what we had to swallow, and you know what…? I'm okay with that. It's a good Bill.
Bartlet- No, it's not. It's almost good. Even at 30% it wouldn't be good. We're falling behind, Leo! The UK, France and Germany have a comparable standard of living to the United States, but per person are responsible for only half–
Leo- Why do you feel the need to convince me, sir?
Bartlet- Excuse me?
Leo- I agree with you already. You know who doesn't agree with you?
Bartlet- Republicans.
Leo- You've assembled one of the finest administrative teams this building has ever seen. I really believe that. But they're not miracle workers. We can't expect them to be. (Long pause) It's a hostile Congress. And this is only going to make them more hostile without any tangible reward.
Bartlet- You think cleaner air, and a more stable global environment isn't a tangible reward?
Leo- That's not what I'm saying…
Bartlet- Then what are you saying? We just roll over now? The Republicans are in the majority so we don't get to push our agenda?
Leo- This is our agenda! At 25% it's still our agenda! It's already the most progressive step this country has ever taken to battle the effects of Global Warming!
Bartlet- And I'm saying it's not enough, Leo! It's not enough. I know this is crazy. I know it might all be in vain. But let's see – let's see – if maybe we can take a few steps down the road to enough.
Silence hangs in the air. Leo reads the president's earnestness, nods:
Leo- Thank you, Mr President.
Leo exits. The president sighs, and sinks back into his seat. Cut to:
The Mural Room.
The group look tired and listless.
Josh- We gotta Give them something they want.
Ainsley- You don't have anything they want.
Josh- Gotta be something…
Ainsley- They didn't want this Bill in the first place. The only reason it's going through at all is the increase in international pressure.
Sam- (Sighs) We're nowhere.
CJ- Guys, I'm going to have to tell them something at the next briefing.
Josh- Know any good knock-knock jokes?
There's a knock at the door. Everybody freezes.
Josh- Okay, that was creepy.
Toby- (Calls out) Yeah?
Door opens and Donna enters, leading in a bespectacled man, holding a clipboard.
Donna- Josh? There's someone here to see you.
Josh stands. The man crosses to him and shakes his hand.
Man- Are you Joshua Lyman?
Josh- I am.
Man- (Holds out clipboard) Sign here, please.
Josh- Aw, man! (Takes clipboard) I'm being served again?
Man- Yes, sir.
He watches as Josh signs.
Josh- What kind of bogus… hack-kneed… politically-motivated dumbass lawsuit is it this time?
Man- It's not a lawsuit.
Josh- Excuse me?
Man- It's not a lawsuit.
The man hands Josh an official-looking envelope.
Sam- What is it?
Josh rips open the envelope and pulls out a letter.
Josh- It's a Notice to Appear!
Man- Yes, sir.
Josh- Like… in court?
Man- Yes, sir.
Sam- And you passed the bar exam?
Josh- What the hell?
Toby- Where's the notice from?
Josh- Los Angeles County. Malibu.
Ainsley- What happened in Malibu?
Sam- That's a complicated question.
Man- Thank you, sir. I'll be on my way.
Josh- Yeah, yeah…
Josh isn't even looking at him, waves the guy away as he continues to read.
Toby- What does it say?
Josh- I don't believe this…
Toby- Josh…
Wordlessly, Josh hands over the letter. Toby reads.
Sam- Guys, the suspense…
Josh- Okay, which one of you did this?
Everyone just stares at him.
Josh- I know it's one of you in this room! I'll be the first to admit that Leo can be as sick and twisted with the jokes as anyone, but he wouldn't send a fake Sheriff of the Court into the West Wing!
CJ- You think this is a prank?
Josh- Isn't it?
CJ- Not mine. Sam?
Sam- Not mine. Ainsley?
Ainsley- I still don't have a clue what's going on.
Josh- And I still love you for it. Ed, Larry, if one of you guys…
Ed- It wasn't us.
Larry- Though… kinda wish it was.
Toby- Josh, this looks genuine.
Josh- No way!
Ainsley- Let me see.
Toby hands it over.
Ainsley- Yup. It's the Seal of Los Angeles County.
Josh- How do you know that?
Ainsley- (Coy) That's really a story for another time…
Sam- I vote it be a story for right now.
Donna- What's in the letter?
Toby- Apparently, Josh broke the law and then fled the state of California.
Josh- I didn't flee! I got on a plane! And that's… a totally made-up law! It has to be!
Sam- What law?
Toby- Well… it says here…
He trails off, trying not to laugh. The others wait, and wait…
CJ- Toby!
Toby- In the great state of California, you're not allowed to wear cowboy boots–
Ainsley- You wore cowboy boots?
Josh- Not now.
Toby- Without owning at least two cows!
CJ- You're kidding!
Toby- Nope.
Donna- You're kidding!
Toby- No.
Josh- See? They agree with me! Somebody must have made that up!
Sam- Actually… that's true. Technically, anyway…
Josh- What?
Sam- The law. It's true.
Josh- It can't be!
Sam- It is.
Josh- It's illegal in California to wear cowboy boots unless you own two cows?
Toby- At least two cows.
Josh- Yeah, that's a distinction I'm worried about.
Sam- The law's never been repealed. It's genuine.
Josh- So everyone in California wearing cowboy boots gets arrested?
Sam- No. But not everyone breaking into houses in California gets arrested either. That doesn't invalidate the law.
CJ- Whoever prosecutes this is going to have a pretty strong case with that videotape.
Josh- This is so far beyond ridiculous…
Ainsley- Why Josh?
Sam- Hmm…?
Ainsley- Why Josh? This law is so obscure. And I'm sure it's costing taxpayers money to pursue this. Not least of which sending a Sheriff of the Court down here to deliver the papers.
Toby- She's right.
Sam- Yeah.
Toby- Josh… someone's gunning for you.
Close on Josh's face as the grim realisation sets in.
Commercial break.