Chapter 3: The Deoxyribonucleic Acid Donation

Penny sits in the cafeteria with a wet rag wiping butter off the sides of Sheldon's face and cleaning it out of his ears. He is already annoying her by whining about how it can cause ear infections if she doesn't get all the butter removed. She grumpily sighs and shakes her head at him.

Penny: "Why the hell did you stick your head in that hole in the first place?"

Sheldon: "Scientific curiosity."

She scoffs and folds her arms.

Penny: "Well did you find anything?"

Sheldon: "Yes, as a matter of fact I did. I overheard a very interesting conversation while I was stuck in there.

Penny: "Interesting? Ha! I doubt that, but go on."

Sheldon: "Dr. Grauman and Dr. Wayne were discussing a genetic reproduction experiment that they are about to start next week. They plan on implanting university donated sperm into fertile female volunteers using a new laser technology they've invented and then studying the effects."

Penny: "Okay so what's the big deal?"

Sheldon: "The big deal is we have to get my sperm out of the freezer in the lab before there's a mini me running around!"

Penny grimaces and groans at the thought of going anywhere near Sheldon's sperm so she silently prays to God that she heard Sheldon wrong about what he just said.

Penny: "Uh…say what?"

Sheldon: "Penny, when I donated my DNA to the university it was years ago long before I ever thought I'd have a steady girlfriend."

Penny: "Yeah, so?"

Sheldon: "So I don't want Amy to find out about this and get upset. She's likely to read all about the experiment in the university newsletter when they publish the results and Amy knows I donated here. I told her so when we first met and we were considering having a child together before you talked me out of it. She even had her eggs frozen for us to use later. But, it'll drive her nuts knowing that another woman could be out there raising the greatest and most intelligent child the world has ever seen…a Sheldon 2.0 if you please. So you and I have to get my sperm out of the cryogenic freezer before they inject my DNA into some stranger's uterus with their godless laser machine. "

Penny stands up in total angst ready to stand her ground on this one.

Penny: "NO WAY HOSEA! I'm not going to break into a freezer in the middle of night just so you can get back your little "C-men". Sheldon this is ridiculous, you don't even know if they're going to use yours or not."

Sheldon stands up too and then he tells Penny to keep her voice down so the cafeteria cleanup crew won't hear him talking about committing this crime on university property.

Sheldon: "Actually, there is a very good chance they will. All the specimens are labeled by name, time and date. It has always been this university's policy to either use all donated genetic materials or re-donate these specimens to other research facilities. And, based on the time parameters I've calculated next week is the university's last chance to use their sperm specimens before they'll be re-donated someplace else. That's why the experiment starts first thing on Monday, but I can't let them use mine."

Penny: "Then just ask them for it back."

Sheldon: "Oh Penny, that's not how research works. They're not going to just let me have it back. I signed release forms and DNA like mine is no doubt highly valuable. I'm full of great genetic potential."

Penny: "I don't get it! Why do you care so much if they use your sperm for this experiment? I mean you're not going to be held responsible for what they do with it and Amy will understand."

Sheldon: "No. If anyone is going to have my child it has to be Amy. She is the only one qualified for the job of raising Sheldon junior. But, now is not a good time for us. I am on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that will no doubt win me a Nobel Prize and she's really busy with her monkey addiction experiments so there isn't enough time for her to volunteer for this experiment. But, if you don't want to help me then I can call Leonard to come down here. He always helps me with this type of thing. I don't even know why you came in the first place. This is really his responsibility, it's in our agreement."

Penny sighs sadly realizing that because she has made a deal with Leonard to switch jobs she is now responsible for helping Sheldon with his crazy, criminal mission to steal back his own sperm. But, she really…REALLY doesn't want to do this so she tells Sheldon about the deal they made hoping that he'll reconsider.

Penny: "Well the thing is Leonard and I kind of made a new agreement today."

Sheldon wrinkles his eyebrows at her wondering what the heck she is talking about now.

Penny: "He has agreed to do my job at the Cheesecake factory for the week as long as I do his job here at the university. We sort of switched."

Sheldon: "Oh no…you can't be serious?"

Penny nods nervously in reply knowing that Sheldon is definitely not going to be happy about it.

Sheldon: "Why this is mutinous, I didn't authorize this! He knows that we donated sperm here and he's always been my little partner in crime. Leonard can't just go making deals with you without consulting me first. The roommate agreement clearly states that he's not allowed to do that!"

Penny: "Look I'm sorry okay, but…wait…what did you just say? What do you mean…'we'?"

Sheldon: "Well his sperm is in there too."

Penny: "WHAT?!"

Sheldon pulls out his cell phone angrily ready to call Leonard up and chew him out over this new deal with Penny being made behind his back.

Sheldon: "Oh boy does he have some 'splainin to do!"