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X
It has turned out to be a very long day for Jax since he has gotten released from County Jail earlier, and it wasn't over just yet.
Finally being able to see Tara with his own eyes was a feeling he can't describe even if he tries. It soothes his aching soul to know and see for himself that she is alive; yet her injuries fuel his lust to seek revenge for her even more.
After seeking advice from both Margaret Murphy and Ally Lowen, he stopped by her room once more before he left the hospital for good to show his face to the rest of the guys at Scoops. That's where Nero had suddenly appeared unannounced.
Over the last couple of months, Jax has come to know Nero Padilla, and the older man has grown into somewhat of a mentor for him, a voice of reason in the constant chaos that is part of the life.
Yet the ten days Jax has spend behind bars, he's had plenty of time to think - maybe too much time! So when Jax has been wracking his brain, trying to figure out who could've done such a thing to Tara, Nero and his words about Karma had come back to haunt Jax more than he'd like to admit.
'Do you believe in karma, mano? You know, something greater that's moving all the pieces around?
Not today.
I do! I know it! Shit, I feel it every time I see my boy! You ever think, maybe all those bad things that are happening to the mother of your children, just maybe that's because of some heinous thing you did to another child's mother?
I don't know where you're going with this-
Please don't lie to me twice, Jax. I know what happened to Darvany, I know what you had Juice do.
What did Juice do?
Killed an innocent woman, and then you looked at me in the eye and you lied to me about it. You embraced me and called me brother. You think shit like that just gets buried? Just goes away? It don't, mano. It comes back, and when it does ... it makes you pay!'
Deep down Jax doesn't want to believe that Nero and his crew has anything to do with the attack on Tara, but that last conversation with him has definitely planted a seed of doubt. The same doubt that ate at him every time he thought about Juice disappearing that same night. He can't help but wonder if it is just a coincidence, or if all of this is connected somehow.
Then there were the Chinese. Could the assault on Tara have been retaliation for the Sons and Marks assassinating the Chinese to seal the deal with the Irish? Anything was possible, but there were no signs left behind that they'd done it. And without any physical proof, he agreed to the sit-down with Nero, Alvarez and the Chinese. It was an unavoidable necessity to keep the peace, at least for now.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer!
He'd be lying if he said that worrying about Club business wasn't a welcoming distraction at times. He simply has to admit that as much as he wants to focus on finding Tara's attacker and figuring out what to do with their boys, he feels that for the time being his hands are tied behind his back.
He knows Tara wants the boys out of the life, but he simply can't leave her behind in Charming.
That being said, he also knew the moment he'd left Tara's bedside earlier today, he'd have to make a decision. Would he go see the boys and bring them home with him, or would he stay away from them until he knew who was behind her attack. It was either all or nothing!
But now as he pulls Tara's Ford into the driveway of his house with their boys buckled into the backseat, a feeling of doubt begins to overwhelm him. Was Gemma right?
She was glad that he'd come to see them, but feared it was too soon for them to return back to that house?
"Mom!" He'd stopped her mid speech. "Look, this isn't up for discussion. I am taking my sons home!"
But now he suddenly doubts his own decision again. Has he made the right choice to bring the boys home with him tonight?
Jax shuts the car off, glances into the rearview mirror and finds Abel's eyes connecting with his. He could've sworn the kid had fallen asleep on the short drive home, but now he seems wide awake again.
Jax carries a sleeping Thomas in his arms to the front door as Abel runs up rather impatiently ahead of him. The little guy is smiling and seems excited, and it breaks Jax's heart when he realizes that Abel is hoping to find his mother inside. Shit, maybe Gemma was right!
After unlocking the front door, Abel rushes inside the still dark house, his small voice yelling 'mommy' in search for Tara and Jax hurriedly steps in after him, turning the lights on as he follows Abel along. Abel comes to a stop in his parents' bedroom and turns around to his father just as Jax stops in the door and flips the light switch on, the room illuminating around them.
Jax drops the bag he'd slung over his shoulder onto the ground, before he turns his full attention to Abel while still clutching a sleeping Thomas in his other arm.
He kneels down in front of him, his hand running through the boy's short blond hair before it stills on his tiny shoulder. "She's still in the hospital, buddy. She's still sick. Remember?"
Abel nods in understanding, but Jax can see the sadness on his face and the tears that begin to form in his eyes before he pulls his son into a embrace with his one free arm.
This moment, with Abel crying for his mom in his arms, is the reason why he'd contemplated not seeing the boys until he'd sorted everything out. He isn't sure what to say to him, not sure what to do. He knows he's been vague and has tiptoed around the subject of their mother, because as much as Jax refuses to give up on Tara, as much as he'll rip anyone to shreds if they dared saying she might not pull through, he can't muster the courage to promise Abel that she'll be alright. Because what if she isn't going to be alright?
So now here is the next question on Jax's mind. Would it be worse to keep the boys from ever seeing her lying in that hospital bed unconscious? Or would he do more damage if he'd bring them in to see her?
Jax doesn't know the answer and he fears having to make that choice for them as well. And the irony that Tara would know the right thing to do doesn't go unnoticed by him either.
As he thinks about all those things, he wants to cry along with Abel for the unfairness of it all. If anyone should've been hurt like that it should've been him, the leader of the Club, the president ... not her, not the mother of his children.
Not Tara!
X
It feels odd to Jax, yet also strangely comforting to get the boys ready for bed without the help of Gemma or anyone else. Taking care of them is one more thing that temporarily takes his mind off of his wife, at least up until the moment when Abel points out his mistakes to him.
"Mommy doesn't do it like that!" Those innocent words coming from Abel's mouth manage to stop Jax dead in his tracks and he finds himself staring back at his son in the bathtub.
After a moment, he manages to utter a reply, "Well, how does mommy do it, little man?" And holds the washcloth out to him.
Abel reaches for it and smiles with confidence in his eyes, because he knows their bath time routine. "Here, daddy, I show you."
X
He's bathed Thomas and put a pull-up diaper on him before changing him into his pajamas for the night, and is now feeding him his bottle. Tara has continued to pump her breast milk for him, but even her frozen supply is beginning to run thin now, and Jax knows the nightly bottle would soon be nothing more than a habit he'd have to break his two year old son from rather sooner than later.
Abel sits on the couch beside them, freshly bathed and dressed in his pajamas as well. And in this moment, the little guy seems almost happy while he is watching cartoons alongside his father and little brother.
Just then the doorbell rings and startles Jax out of his short moment of contentment between him and his sons. Abel looks up at him, but doesn't move from his spot on the couch when Jax gets up to answer the door. He looks down at his other son on his lap and decides to sit Thomas down, allowing him to hold the bottle himself, much to the little boys displeasure.
Jax steps up to the front door, and looks through the peephole. Surprised, he reaches for the doorknob and opens the door for Ally Lowen.
"Hi." She says, and by the look on her face, he can see that the female lawyer is still somewhat hesitant towards him. But despite her fear, she is here, at his house in the dark of night, and that obviously has to mean something.
"Hi." Jax replies perplexed, before he gathers his wits and steps aside, gesturing for her to come in.
She slips past him, but stops short in the hallway when she sees the boys sitting in the living room, "I'm sorry, I probably should've called." She begins to apologize.
Jax closes the door behind him, and shakes his head, "No, it's fine. I was just feeding Thomas his last bottle for the night, then they're both off to bed." He says as he ushers her into the living room and picks up Thomas again, who's clearly tired and has begun to cry in protest out loud.
"Oh. Okay." Ally replies as she looks around for a place to sit.
With Thomas on his hip, Jax takes the brown throw-blanket and blue pillow from the arm chair and tosses it into the baby's playpen that has served more as a toy box as of late, before he gestures with his free hand for her to sit. Jax returns to his seat on the couch and begins to feed Thomas what little is left in his bottle.
Ally glances at Abel, whose eyes are glued to the TV, and a small smile crosses her lips when she sees how hard the little boy is trying to stay awake. But she quickly focuses her attention back on Jax. The criminal with his young son in his arms, something she's never quite pictured before.
"So ..." Jax wonders out loud, as his eyes connect with hers across the small distance, "What brings you here this late?"
Ally leans back in her chair and sits her briefcase down on the floor right beside her. "Maybe ... maybe we should wait until the boys are in bed."
He eyes her warily and raises his eyebrows when he nods in agreement. "Yeah. Maybe we should." But instantaneously his curiosity is peeked tenfold.
What was she willing to share with him now that she hasn't mentioned earlier at the hospital?
X
Jax emerges from Thomas' bedroom and finds Ally standing near the fireplace, looking at the pictures of the boys on the mantle. She turns towards him when he steps into the room, but remains quiet.
"Sorry. Didn't think it'd take that long." He mumbles an apology. "It's their first night back since ..." He pauses and she nods in understanding.
He gestures towards the kitchen, "Do you want a drink? Some water? Coffee? ... I was gonna make me some tea." What he really needs is a whiskey! A double!
"Uhm, yes, a tea would be ... nice."
She follows Jax into the kitchen, bringing her briefcase along, before placing it on the dining room table.
Jax fills the teakettle, places it on the stove and turns the knob to high, before he turns around noting her standing there awkwardly, with her arms crossed while her eyes scan the kitchen for any left behind evidence.
There was none to be found, Gemma or whoever had cleaned the place up, after CSI had left, had done a hell of a job. The kitchen sparkled in a way it hasn't in years, in fact the whole house smelled like a mixture of bleach and lemon, and there is not a trace left of the horrible crime that has occurred here less than two weeks ago.
He swallows the lump in his throat and nods towards the sink, "That's where I found her. On the ground."
Ally looks to the floor by the sink before she meets his eyes, but she doesn't say anything. She simply doesn't know what to say.
"I thought she was dead. I thought I'd lost her." He confesses and turns away reaching for two cups inside the cupboard, just long enough to keep his tears at bay and get his emotions back under control.
He drops a bag of tea in each cup before he suddenly turns back around and faces her.
"Why are you here?" He finally blurts out, clearly having lost his patience of doing this awkward dance with her.
She looks back at the dinner table behind her, "Maybe we should sit."
Jax leans back against the kitchen counter and closes his eyes as he takes in a deep breath. He shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. From the moment he'd left the hospital, he has bottled up his emotions for the sake of everyone around him, - his brothers, his sons, his mother - ... even his enemies. But it was late and he can't keep his frustration at bay any longer.
He thought being released this morning would speed things along, that he would find something his brothers couldn't! But he has gotten nowhere, absolutely nowhere today. Ten days and not a goddamn clue about who has done it.
So now, standing here with Lowen in his kitchen, in the kitchen, he simply can't handle all the small talk any longer. "Maybe we just cut through all the bullshit and you just tell me why you're here?"
The words sounding much harsher than he's intended them to be, and he fears momentarily that she'll take flight, but to his surprise she doesn't.
Instead she turns her back to him, steps over to her briefcase, opens it and retrieves several stacks of papers, stapled together at one corner at the top of the page, before she turns and holds them out for him to take.
Still visibly irritated, Jax steps up beside her and takes them, glancing at pages that he now realized were filled with Tara's handwriting.
"What is this?" He looks over at Ally, before his eyes go back to Tara's words in front of him.
The kettle whistles on the stove and when Jax doesn't make a move, Ally steps over to the stove instead. In that moment, she realizes just how odd her relationship with the Teller family has truly become. Her being here, consulting him, presenting Jax with photocopies of Tara's notes, ... she knew damn well that it was unethical, and that it could possibly cost her her license, but she also knows that Jax needs to see this to understand what she is about to tell him next.
Without taking his eyes off of the papers, Jax pulls out a chair and takes a seat. Ally brings both cups of steaming tea over to the table and sits beside him. She hesitates as she watches his eyes scan the first page, and then the second, but finally decides to explain. "Tara wrote down things that had happened. Things that had put her in danger, put her children in danger. Recalling moments where she'd feared for her life, and for her family."
Jax exhales the breath he'd been holding and drops the stack of papers on the table. Page two and he's already seen enough.
He hides his face in both his hands for a long moment, before he looks back up at the woman sitting beside him and simply shakes his head. He doesn't know what to say, because he knows the shit he's put her and the boys through is inexcusable.
He remembers everything that has ever happened to them, to her, yet to see it written out like that, in Tara's own words, page after page after page, her describing how terrified she was ... it makes him sick to his stomach.
"When ... when did she write this?" He wonders out loud as he searches Ally's face for an answer.
"At County, when she was locked up." Ally replies, trying her hardest to keep her face as stoic as possible, even when Jax's falls apart.
"Why?" Came the question Ally has dreaded, but at the same time it is also the main reason why she's pushed her fears aside and decided to show up here tonight.
Ally clears her throat, and takes a deep breath before she answers him, "All Tara cared about was getting her boys away from this life. She was worried that, should she be convicted and sent to prison, that Gemma would be the boys' primary caregiver even if you remained free. She tried to ... she wanted Wendy to be the legal guardian, to take the kids and leave Charming, but since you wouldn't sign off on that, she saw no other choice than to file for divorce, Jax."
Jax can't help but ball his hands into fists at the memory of it all, even if just for a brief moment. His face displaying the turmoil he is feeling inside, but he doesn't say anything as he stares off into the distance as if lost in his own thoughts.
"She didn't want to ... but divorcing you, and providing proof of a history of violence, with this." She points a manicured finger at the pages in front of him. "It was her only chance, the only way of getting Wendy granted guardianship against yours and Gemma's will."
Jax sighs out loud, before he finally looks up to meet her eyes, "I didn't think we'd need it." He shakes his head. "I didn't realize how scared she was. I didn't know ..." he tries to excuse his actions but can't find the words to justify them.
In hindsight he knows he should've just signed the damn papers back then. Even if he'd truly believed that she'd walk free, he should've signed them just to ease her troubled mind ... but he hadn't.
A moment of silence passes between them, before Jax finally speaks up. Surprising her with his honest confession, "I'm with my back against the wall here."
He shakes his head, his eyes displaying the sorrow he feels inside. "I took my boys home with me tonight, because I wanted them to know that they're not alone. That their father still loves them, and I guess part of me did it, because I know that Tara doesn't want Gemma to raise them. But what do I do?" He voices the question towards her, but she knows he is not really expecting an answer.
"Besides my obligations towards the Club ... their mother is in a coma, I can't just pack up and leave even if I wanted to. And Wendy, ... I know Wendy was her choice, but she just fucking relapsed for the hundredth time. My mother just shipped her ass off to rehab again." He lowers his head in defeat, he's at a loss.
Ally nods her agreement, she'd heard about Wendy's relapse from Margaret. But that's why she is here, to answer Jax's question from earlier today, about that Tara would want him to do.
She reaches across the table and surprises Jax when she touches his hand to gain his attention once more. "There's a military post about an hour west from here."
Jax looks back at her with confusion written all over his unshaven face, yet he replies knowledgeable, "Yeah, Travis Air Force Base."
"Yes, that's the one." But before Jax can question what that has to do with his current dilemma, Ally goes on to elaborate, "There's single airmen and women with children who are send off to war, sometimes as long as twelve months. It isn't cheap, but there's family's who will take those kids in while the airmen and women are deployed."
"Like Foster care?" Jax realizes where she was going with this. "After everything they've been through, I can't just pawn them off to some strangers."
Ally shakes her head, "It's not like that. It's not foster care. They take great care of them and provide for them in a loving home. And your situation is unique, because they'd just be an hour away. If you wanted to, you could go see them several times a week, spend every weekend with them. But they'd be safe, away from Charming, the Club and Gemma!"
He contemplates everything she's said. "I appreciate it, but I'm gonna have to think about this for a little while." He answers truthfully.
And she nods her head in understanding, "Of course."
X
Author's Note: Still struggling to get the characters down pat, but I'm trying. Lowen's character might seem a bit OOC, but please let me explain her motivation behind her actions in this chapter. I always felt like she cared for Tara on more than just a client basis, maybe because she could identify more with a successful doctor than any of the other criminals she'd defended in the past. So since Jax reached out to her for help, she decided to take the opportunity to help get those babies out of charming alive.
Please leave a review if you liked it and care to read more. I would really appreciate it. Thank you.