Step One: Make Existence Known
Tim glanced down at the notepad. The first step was underlined with a black sharpie and he intended to put it into effect very soon. It was now 6:58; any second, the elevator doors would open and Caroline would step off to swing by the break room for her morning cup of coffee. When she did, he would be waiting for her, prepared to make a better impression than his first one had been. He'd considered preparing and memorizing a speech, but ultimately decided against it; he didn't want it to sound too rehearsed. Instead, he'd spent the better part of the previous night planning a basic introduction.
The bell dinged and Tim straightened up. He was standing by Tony's desk, hoping he looked nonchalant. The last thing he wanted was to appear too eager. The doors opened and Caroline stepped off as Tim expected. He couldn't help but notice that she was wearing a beautiful white blouse that showed off her figure.
As she was about to walk past him, he took a step toward her. "Hi, you're Caroline, right?" he asked as he extended a hand. Unfortunately, he hadn't been paying enough attention to realize that Caroline was holding a cup of coffee in her hand. His extended hand inadvertently bumped the cup, causing Caroline to lose her grip on it. It was like time had slowed down, but he couldn't do anything to stop the inevitable catastrophe. He watched in horror as the cup tipped toward his crush and the brown liquid spilled out on to the previously crisp, white blouse. It stained the top and dribbled down it, leaving tiny trails of brown.
"Oh…oh, geez!" he stammered. "Oh, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to do that!" Coffee? he wondered. How had that happened? She always got her coffee in the break room! At least, she had always gotten it in the time he'd known her, which, admittedly, wasn't very long. That single cup of coffee had put a kink in his plans. He hadn't prepared for that variable. Obviously, that lack of thorough planning had been to his detriment. "You're not hurt are you? I'll pay for you to get that cleaned…or to buy a new one…" he added, seeing as the top was pretty much beyond help.
Caroline looked down at her coffee-stained blouse and dabbed at it with a hand. "It's okay," she said with a somewhat forced smile. "I got this cup a while ago, so it's not hot anymore. It was an accident; could have happened to anyone."
Could have, Tim mentally agreed, but it had to happen to him. "I was just trying to introduce myself. Um…you're Caroline, right?"
She nodded as she extracted a tissue from her purse. "Yeah…and you are…" She looked up at him and studied him as though trying to place his face. "Oh, I know it…you're one of the field agents. Uh…Tony, right?"
He was slightly disheartened by the fact that he hadn't made enough of an impression on her for Caroline to even remember his name. Still, he smiled, saying, "You're close. It's actually Tim; Timothy McGee. But you can just call me Timothy…or Tim…whichever."
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, Timothy," she said (Tim internally reveled in how sweet his name sounded coming from her lips), "but I'd better get to the bathroom and clean up a bit."
"Oh," he replied, remembering that he had just ruined her top, "right. Sorry, again. Really, just send me the bill. I can afford it." He thought back to Tony's advice to dazzle her with his extra income. He still wasn't sold on the idea, but he figured it couldn't hurt to drop a hint. "I do some writing on the side. You may recognize me as Thom E. Gemcity, author of Deep Six and Rock Hollow. They were on the bestseller list for quite a while and there's already talk of movie adaptations," he babbled, mentally telling himself to get to the point. "So trust me, I've got a good amount of expendable cash," he concluded with a wink, "so you name it, I'll pay for it."
In response, Caroline raised an eyebrow. "We'll see," she said vaguely. "Better get going. Nice to meet you, Tim!" she called out as she hastened toward the restroom. Tim frowned at how quickly she sprinted away from him. Granted, it probably had more to do with the insetting coffee stain than him, but he still had hoped she would have stayed a bit longer.
He looked down at the note pad and step one. He had definitely made his presence known, no question about it. Except now, instead of associating him with a horrible stutter, she'd associate him with spilling coffee on her. Either way, he came out looking like a complete dork. You are a complete dork, he reminded himself disparagingly.
"Morning, Probie-san," Tony greeted, oblivious to his colleague's dower demeanor. "Have you accomplished Step One yet?"
"Oh, I accomplished it," he said sardonically. "I don't think she'll forget me anytime soon."
"Then why so glum, chum?"
"I spilled her coffee on her."
Tony peeked at Tim over the top of his sunglasses. "Come again, McGee."
With a deep sigh, Tim gave Tony the play-by-play of his meeting with Caroline. "I wasn't expecting her to have coffee! It was out of nowhere! I should have planned for it, though. Stupid, stupid," he muttered as his face fell into his hands.
"Oh, stop being so overdramatic, McGee," Tony chided with a roll of his eyes. "Yes, I would have handled that better, but we're talking about you here, so it's not so much of a shock. Now she knows your name and if she does take you up on your offer to pay for the cleaning it'll give you another chance to talk to her."
"Yeah, that'll be a great conversation, I'm sure."
"Positive thinking here, Probie. Now, how far are you into Step Two?"
"Step Two for what?" Ziva asked as she entered the bullpen and shed her winter coat. December had arrived with a vengeance with wind chills hitting as low as 10 degrees that week.
"Step Two of my foolproof plan to land a date," Tony replied. "McGee begged me to help him get in good with the new Intel chick and, seeing as it's Christmas time and I'm all about charity, I agreed."
"I didn't beg you," Tim mumbled.
Ziva raised her eyebrows in amusement. "McGee is taking dating advice from you?"
"Do I detect a hint of skepticism in your tone, Ziva?"
"It is not that I doubt your skills in getting dates, Tony, I just do not think that you are the best person to give McGee advice. The two of you are very different men and you have different tastes in women."
"What has that got to do with anything?"
"My point is that the things that work on the women you like will not necessarily work on a woman McGee likes. We are all different."
Tony shook his head contrarily. "Sorry, Ziva, but I must disagree. While it's true that women are different, they are all the same in one respect: romance."
"Romance?"
"You heard me. Women want that fairy tale stuff, to have a macho man show off for them. They want the rose petals on the bed and the bubbling glasses of champagne as the music plays gently in the background. They want wild rides in fancy cars, dinner at overpriced restaurants, and trips to romantic European cities."
"I am a woman, Tony, and I do not want any of those things."
"Well, I'm talking about American women here."
"Not to interrupt, guys, but can we get back to me?" Tim asked. "In the two weeks that I've known Caroline, all I've succeeded in doing is spilling coffee on her."
"You spilled coffee on her?" Ziva asked as she tried not to smile. "Was that one of Tony's steps?"
"I'm trying to help him, Ziva, not sabotage him."
"Uh-huh, so what's the second step in your master plan?"
"Find out her hobbies and interests so you can pretend to have the same ones."
Ziva tilted her head to the side. "Actually, that is not such a bad idea, Tony. Not the pretending part, but obviously it is important to know the person in whom you are interested. So what do you know about her, McGee?"
Tim sat back and thought. The truth was, he knew very little about her interests. "She likes BLTs and mojitos."
"Lame, Probie."
"Well I'm sorry, Tony! I can't really find much about her without breaking into her place and going through her stuff, and, last I checked, that's illegal."
"Or you could talk to her," Ziva suggested. "Perhaps when there is no coffee nearby?"
"That's a negative," Tony intoned. "The Probie shouldn't bite off more than he can chew at the moment, and talking to her for an extended period of time may hurt him more than it helps him. Besides, we don't want her to know that he's interested in her just yet. Instead, try talking to her friends in Intel."
"No, no," Ziva disagreed, "that is what teenagers do. Besides, if he starts asking her friends, they will tell her that he is asking around so she'll know he is interested anyway."
As his colleagues argued over the best course of action, Tim slumped down in his seat. His personal business was quickly becoming the hot topic of the day. No doubt Abby, Ducky, and even Gibbs would soon put in their two cents worth.
"Guys, would you stop?" he groaned. They both looked at him as he rubbed the space between his eyebrows. "I appreciate your desires to help and I know you each have different ideas of how I should proceed, but for the time being, I'm going to have to listen to…Tony."
"Haha!" Tony proclaimed, throwing his hands up in triumph. "Tough break, Ziva."
The Mossad woman crossed her arms solemnly. "I only hope you know what you are getting yourself into, McGee."
"Well, you did make a good point, so I'm not going to be the one to talk to her Intel friends. Tony is."
"Uh, no, Probie, that's not in my contract. You do your own dirty work."
"You're the one who got yourself involved in my private life and now you are going to help me or I'll tell Ducky who really super-glued that corpse to the autopsy table."
Tony narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. "You drive a hard bargain, McHaggle. I suggest we get a third party to do it. Ziva?"
"Seeing as my advice is not appreciated, I am going to stay out of this."
"Well, Gibbs is out for obvious reasons, I don't think you want Abby of all people getting that involved in your current romantic entanglements, and I have a feeling Ducky won't want to play messenger. So who does that leave us with? We need someone unassuming and willing to help."
"Um, hey, guys," Jimmy greeted as he entered the bullpen, looking a bit flustered. "Have any of you seen a specimen jar with green goo in it?"
Across the way, Tim and Tony shared a look. They nodded