"Wanna fuck?" asked Sauron.
"No!" Legolas cried.
"But Thuringwethil says I have one wang to rule them all!"
"Wanna know why they call me 'the Defiler'?" asked Azog.
"Is it because Dáin killed you at Azanulbizar so you were already dead by The Hobbit movie timeline but instead were resurrected for purposes of an incredibly sketchy screenplay?" Legolas asked. "Then no."
"Wanna beat me up, tie me down and fuck me?" asked Celebrian.
"B-but you were abducted and raped by orcs!" Legolas protested.
"What did you think I was going to tell my kids—?"
"What did he mean by 'your world will burn'?" Legolas asked.
"Nothing," said Thranduil. "I'll tell you when you're older."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING—?!" Legolas screamed.
"Saruman said we could taste manflesh," the Uruk-hai explained.
STAY TUNED!