Forgot to do this earlier; Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters they all belong to Shonda Rhimes expect Kate Sloan.
Today Sofia was 5 months old. Today I realized that the spark of having a baby was fading away for Mark. Either the stress of having a baby was catching up to him or he just didn't want to be a father anymore. I've been doing everything for Sofi lately.
I've also found out where all the money for the furniture came from. Mark decided that he didn't want to go to college. He said it wasn't easy convincing his mom to give him his college fund for this purpose, but she gave in for Sofia's sake.
When he told me about this I was mad. He shouldn't of given up college that easy. But then again I was grateful for everything. How else were we gonna come up with the money? Neither of us had worked a day in our lives.
But still there was one thing that was worse than anything I mentioned before. Mark was turning into alcohol for everything. In just a couple of months he changed from the perfect father to a screw up. What was causing him to change like this?
"Good morning babe." It was nearly 1 pm. He walked into our bedroom looking like he hadn't slept all night. He stood at the doorway taking off his shoes.
"And where have you been all night?" I replied while flipping channels on the tv.
"Oh don't tell me you're gonna go all mom on me huh? I thought we moved out for a reason. Hey look at me!"
I turned my head slowly to him while rolling my eyes. "I just got Sofi to sleep so you better shut the hell up unless you're gonna take care of her yourself."
Wow. Was this my life now? The unhappy housewife who hated her husband? And worse yet, the unhappy 19 year old housewife who hated her husband.
"You're always complainin' bout something Cal!" He threw his shoes across the room and threw himself on the bed.
"And you're always drunk!" I hopped off of bed immediately.
"You know what you need, you need a lil lovin'. That'll sort ya out." He laughed and then covered himself with the comforter. "I love you cal okay, don't you forget that." He fell asleep almost instantly.
I couldn't stand being in the same room with him so I went to read in Sofi's nursery.
Before sitting down and starting my next Jane Austen novel, I tucked Sofia in so that she wouldn't wake up so soon from her nap. I needed a little me time and reading was the only way I could get it now a days. After I tucked her in I tippy toed across the room from her and sat on the rocking chair. Ah. Relaxing.
Yeah right. There was too many things on my mind right now to focus on a world's classic novel.
As I looked at the walls I started thinking about my best friend. Would Arizona like Sofi's room? I think she would. I think she would love playing with her in here.
Then I started thinking about how there was a possibility that I'd never see her again. Soon warm tears started flowing down my cheeks. I wanted to scream. But for now I had to settle for silent cries. I wanted to let everyone know how I was feeling inside. But it might wake Sofi up. So I will settle for silent cries.
I really couldn't believe I let her go. At that moment I didn't realize it, but now I do. Every day in fact. I let the love of my life walk out.
My depressive thoughts were interrupted by Sofi's cooing and giggling. She was magical that way. She could keep herself happy sometimes. It was my favorite part about her. I wiped my tears away and went to pick her.
"Hey princess! Did someone have a good nap?"
When I laid her to sleep she was on her back. But now she was on her tummy and her head was straight up as if she were trying to look over the crib. One of her hand was in her mouth and the other she used for support.
"Mami's very proud of you my little princess! You can roll over now." I picked her up and smothered her with kisses.
"We're gonna go on a trip today baby girl so lets get you all pretty."
I fed and dressed up Sofi and got her diaper bag ready. Then I set her down in her jumper so that I could get dressed myself. I settled for a maroon sweater, blue jeans and chestnut colored uggs. Yes, motherhood has taken away the bit of fashion taste I had left. I picked up Mark's jacket, took the car keys and left the house.
10 minutes later I arrived at the mall. Now the problem was to set up the stroller. Ugh. I really needed super mom Kate.
"Hold on Sofi Mami's got this just give me a...clack!...second." I tripled check the stroller to make sure it was secure. "Omg! Sofi I think I got! I really got it!" I started dancing around the stroller. She chuckled at my craziness as I picked her up and buckled her down.
Once we were inside the mall I felt a level of comfort that felt foreign to me. I really missed shopping. And now that I was shopping for two I figured it would be double the fun.
20 minutes later I'd only bought stuff for Sofia. I didn't even know what to buy for me. What the hell did moms even buy?
I passed by Forever 21 and hesitantly went in. I felt a bit paranoid at the store with a stroller. Everyone else was young and childless. But I decided to ignore my thoughts and do something nice for myself for once.
"How do you think these shorts would look on momma Sofia?" I pulled out a pair of sequin shorts and analyzed them for a brief moment. My 5 month old wasn't the best choice for a fashion critic. So I decided they were cute but when will I ever wear them? Sigh. Shortly after, Sofia started getting cranky.
"I'm almost done baby." I pushed the stroller back and forth as I finished looking through some shirts. However she decided to get louder.
"Is that your sister?" A young girl asked curiously.
Without thinking I nodded with a smile. Shit
"She's adorable." She smiled before walking away.
Why did I nod to that? I was never gonna forgive myself for it.
I picked up Sofia and cradled her. Looks like all she wanted was to be held. I kissed her cheeks trying to relieve my guilty conscience. That Freudian slip was gonna hunt me for a while.
"Callie?"
I looked over to see who it was.
"Oh hey, Alexandra right?"
"Right, but you can call me Lexie." She smiled. "Cute baby."
"Thanks." I smiled back.
"Need any help? You look like you have your hands full."
"N-, yeah I do actually. Can you get me that chupo- I mean pacifier on the left pocket of that diaper bag?"
"This one?"
"Perfect thanks." I placed the pacifier on Sofia's mouth. She instantly laid her small head on my shoulder.
"Hey have you talked to Arizona recently? I was surprised she was asking 'me' about 'you', you know since you guys are best friends and all."
"No why, do you have her number?!" A butterfly flew across my stomach like it were on steroids.
"Yeah do you want it?" She started flipping through her phone.
"Yeah I need it."
"Okay if you want you can give me your number and I'll text it to you."
"Yeah of course." Anything for Arizona's number.
We exchanged numbers and shortly after, I left the mall. After I finished strapping Sofi in her car seat I sat motionless in the car staring at Arizona's number. Should I call her now? I didn't want to call her anywhere near Mark so now would be ideal. But what if she has already found someone else? Then why would she be asking about me? Okay I'll just call her.
Ring.
"Hello?" Her voice hadn't changed a bit. My emotions were flying through the roof. Immediately after I regretted the decision.
"Babbaa!" Sofia screamed from the backseat.
"Calliope? Callie. Callie is that you?"
Damnit.
I gulped down loud enough that I'm pretty sure she heard me.
"Gaggaaa!"
"Sofi, is that Sofi? Callie answer me baby I know it's you."
"Hi." I felt my voice crack as soon as my tears fell down.
"Call..." I can tell she was also on the verge of crying.
"I miss you so much Ari." I lost it and began to cry. "Please come back, you need to! Come home."
"But I am home love, this is where I belong. And you belong there, in Seattle, with your happy family."
"I'm not happy though! No ones happy! What's the point then!?"
"You decided it for it to be this way."
"Well I decided wrong and I need you!"
"You're not a teen anymore Callie, you need to decide what's best for Sofi now. She needs her father. Remember when you told me that? It broke me, but now I get it."
"No, baby please!" I cried through the phone. "Forget everything I said! You'd be a better father than Mark, I wish you'd see him. Nothing's going the way I planned. I was put on anti-depressants because Kate thought I had post-partum depression. But I don't need no damn pills, I need you!"
"I understand, but it will all get better. I promise. Once you get used to it, it won't hurt anymore."
Sofia started crying. I guess she didn't like the mess her mom was creating. But I couldn't control it.
"What's up with Sofi, why is she crying Cal?"
"I don't know." I said blankly. I had no more fight left in me.
"Go comfort her. I don't like hearing her cute self cry."
"How am I supposed to do that? I can't even comfort myself? I'm in the middle of a parking lot crying for gods sake!"
-
And there went the most important call of my life.
I sat there blankly for about a minute before hopping to the backseat with Sofia. I fed her a bottle and watched as she fell asleep. My poor innocent angel. Was staying with her dad despite all the pain it caused me the right thing? Or does my happiness play a role in hers too?
After she was sound asleep I hopped back to the front seat and drove to Mark's house. Kate had called earlier that she wanted to see Sofi so I figured this would be a good time.
The visit lasted about an hour. I really didn't want to go home but Kate had business to take care of. So I took the longest ways so that I could drive more. Driving felt free. I loved driving more than anything now a days. It was better than being at home watching Nick Jr. all day. Besides, Sofia enjoyed the window views more than the actual shows.
When I got home I parked the car inside the garage. It was raining and I didn't want to get Sofia wet. I picked her up from her car seat and laid her on my shoulder. I prefer leaving the car seat in the car. Right before I opened the door I heard two people having a conversation. Who did Mark have over?
I opened the door expecting the worst. Now a days I wouldn't be surprised if he brought another woman home.
"Uh hey." I said closing the door. The woman he was talking to was a blonde.
"Hey look who came to visit."
When she turned around my heart skipped a couple of beats. It was her. In skin and bones. The love of my life. Arizona.
"A..A...Arizo." I was speechless.
She looked at me with the glossiest bluest eyes. Her hair was curled in all the right places. If I didn't know her I'd say she was a living angel.
"Calliope." She gave me her best super magic smile that lit up my world.
To Mark our encounter might look like an exaggeration but to us it was the reunion of a lifetime.
Arizona walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me and Sofia. And then everything felt right again. Like the day at the hospital. I don't care how different this family could be. This is what I wanted. I don't know how I was gonna get it, but I was. My family was with Arizona and Sofia. And that's all I knew.
"All I want to do right now is kiss you calliope." She whispered into my ears as she hugged me.
Every cell in my body was telling me to kiss her. To show her all the love I have for her. But my mind knew it wasn't the time. Not yet.
"Here give me Sof, you two catch up." Mark grabbed Sofia from my arms and took her to her room.
"She's really beautifu-" I cut Arizona in the middle of her sentence with a kiss. Mark could be back any second so this was all we had. I locked my lips passionately into hers not wanting to let them go. I missed her so much and I never wanted her to leave again.
"Woah you really missed me, eh?" She giggled in between our kiss.
"You scared the hell out of me when you hung up...on me."
We had our private conversation at the same time of our kiss. We could afford to loose any time.
"You seemed so hurt...and...I couldn't bare having you this sad."
"I love you ...I love you." I bit soft into her bottom lip.
Our breathing rates increased with every word.
"I love you too, so so much." She continued as she grabbed on to my hair.
"Well what do you girls want to do next?" Mark yelled out from the hallway.
That was our cue that our free time was over. We separated ourselves so fast you couldn't tell there was ever any contact with each other.
"I actually have to go."
"No!" They both looked at me."I mean why so soon."
"I'm staying in Tacoma for a week. I'll text you the hotel I'm staying at."
"Okay fine." Ugh.
We hugged each other tightly for a while.
"Any longer?" Mark interrupted.
Arizona cleared her throat. "See you soon."
I couldn't even say goodbye. I knew that as soon as she walked out of the door my depression would run back inside me. The darkness that's always following me will be back.
And so it did.
I immediately became dependent on Arizona. I need her. I can't live one second without her. Not only is she my oxygen but she is also my gravity. She keeps me together. She keeps me living. And at this second she's not here, at this second I feel more dead than living.