For some reason I don't like this chapter too much, it was weird writing it. But thanks for all the reviews. Don't forget to tell me your ideas on the Carlisle issue!!!
Chapter 3:
Bella had no idea how much time had elapsed since the men had left. She didn't even know if the sun had risen yet. All she saw was the back of her eyelids, all she heard was her dry sobs, and all she felt was her aching body and the grimy pavement below her, she was slowly being overcome by numbness. She simply lay on the ground, both while the men used her and after they had left. She laid there until her body was completely numb. Then she finally remembered James.
She lifted herself up, steadied her breathing, and pulled up her pants and making due with her ripped pants. She knew she must have looked awful, but she just couldn't find it in herself to care. She began walking to James' house, finally realizing that the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon.
I have school tomorrow.
Bella couldn't process anything beyond that. Beyond typical routine, the idea that most people in her position would not be attending school for a while did not cross her mind, she simply walked.
As she walked she began to feel an emptiness within herself. An emptiness that she somehow knew had not arisen due to last night, but had simply been brought to her attention. Bella was different, always had been, always would be, and she came to the understanding that nothing would ever perfectly fill this emptiness. Never. And she didn't care, she couldn't care. She just continued to walk down the street to James' house.
She didn't even hesitate to walk down the dark alley behind his house. Her numbness could have easily been mistaken for courage. The only hesitation came when she knocked on his window, pausing briefly before lightly tapping it.
She tapped several more times. No response.
The sun was almost above the trees at this point.
I should go get ready for school.
She turned around and headed back to her house. It wasn't until she turned down the alley that she realized the men had been right. And the only emotion that ran through her was curiosity as to why she just didn't care.
She crawled back into her room and stripped as she turned on the shower. She didn't wait for it to heat up; she stepped into the shower completely unaware of the icy water. She took off the lid to her brand new 35 fl. oz. bottle of body wash and poured the entire contents of the bottle onto herself. She spent fifteen minutes scrubbing her numb body with two different luffas and a wash clothe.
She finally stepped out, she threw away the empty container, the luffas, the wash clothe, and all her clothes from last night. Before squeezing every last ounce of toothpaste in the tube into her mouth and brushing her teeth, she then rinsed three times with Listerine. She disposed of both of these items as well.
She did not look at herself in the mirror.
She dressed in her usual attire, old jeans and an old shirt. She grabbed her bag and cell phone before leaving the house, ignoring Renée's offer of food.
She checked her phone when she got in the car.
They were right, he was right.
1 UNREAD MESSAGE
12 MISSED CALLS
All from James.
She checked the text message.
If you're just gonna flake on me, for something THIS important, then I can't be with you. Enjoy the rest of your night doing whatever the hell you are doing.
-James
She felt a pang of something, though she couldn't quite pinpoint the emotion. She wasn't going to try to 'win him back' and she was not going to tell him. He'd forget about it before their senior year began, probably before their junior year end in a month. He'd forget about her and this and everything. She wouldn't. She didn't care.
School was a blur until her third class, English, and her only class with James. She walked into the room two minutes late.
"Where have you been Miss Swan?"
"Sorry."
"Don't apologize; just visit me in lunch for your detention.... Take your seat Miss Swan."
She slid down into her desk next to James, shielding herself from his glare with her hair. She succeeded in not drawing any attention to herself until fifteen minutes before the class was out, when James nudged her and passed her a note.
What the hell happened last night?
I (she hesitated) fell asleep. Sorry.
Sure you weren't with somebody else? God. We're over. Okay?
Okay.
And she didn't care! She became slightly frustrated with herself. She missed caring, a little. She wasn't angered by the accusation, nor was she upset about the break up. She was only 'slightly frustrated' with her numbness.
Bella was thankful for her lunch detention... she didn't feel like eating. She didn't feel like much of anything, but she just had no desire to eat. She sat in her English room pretending to do her homework; she couldn't focus enough to actually do it.
The rest of the day was, again, a blur. As was the rest of the week.
She began a new routine of avoiding Renée, who believed Bella's change in attitude was due to her recent breakup, James, who shared the same opinion as Renée, food, and all men. She even began skipping her classes with male teachers.
Her friends were more difficult, none of them liked James in the first place, so they refused to believe she was this upset over the "much needed" breakup as they called it. Their constant messages about going out, meeting new guys, and small talk eventually led Bella to dropping her phone in her toilet. She never used it any more anyways.
Bella's grades began to drop, even though she was constantly in lunch detentions 'doing work,' and still she didn't care. On Monday she received a 47% on her pre-calculus test, meaning she had to have Renée sign it.
Bella didn't consider forging her mom's signature, or just not turning the test back in, she wasn't a bad kid, she still did what she was told, and that's how she found herself having a 'heart-to-heart' with her mom on Monday afternoon.
"Honey? What's wrong, you don't fail. And what's happened with your friends, you never leave the house anymore, you never leave your room anymore!" Bella could tell her actions had been upsetting her mom recently, scaring her actually.
"Is this really just about James?" Renée was being sweet, and caring, yes, but Bella didn't want to talk about this. She just wanted to go to her room and... Not think, not do anything, simply be.
"Yeah, I've got to go do some extra credit for math," Bella attempted to escape, but Renée had to do something, she was terrified and confused.
"Would it help if you weren't here, so you weren't reminded of him so much, if you took a break maybe?" Renée called after her. Bella froze in the middle of the room, with her back to her mom.
That actually sounded ...nice...
"Where would I go?" She might be able to feel again, to care. She needed out. She wanted out. Bella wanted something!
"I was thinking your Dad's? How much fun would that be? And he has so many step children just about your age, and I talked to him already, and he would love for you to come, you could stay with him on father's day for the first time in God knows how long! And he said your welcome as long as you want, and you haven't seen him in so long!" Renée began speed talking, she was gushing, obviously excited about possibly getting her daughter back.
"I'll look into it mom," Bella had yet to turn around.
"No need, I already bought your ticket. Now, it's one way so you can just-"
"You already bought the ticket." It wasn't so much a question. Bella was hardly surprised; she should have seen this coming.
"Ah, come on Bella! It's paradise! Who knows you might even meet some new guys!"
"Really, Mom, that's not exactly what I want to.... to think about," Bella felt so stupid, she knew how scared she sounded, but it went unnoticed by Renée, she was caught up in the ideas of paradise.
"I'll go."
"What was that dear? I didn't hear you."
"I'll go," Bella repeated, louder this time.
"You leave Wednesday! Surprise! Oh, I'll help you pack; no need to go to school tomorrow anyways, Charlie already has you enrolled for next Monday!"
"O-okay, I'll just be in my room..." Bella dashed off to her room.
"I'm going to Hawaii," she whispered to herself as she slid down the floor with her back to her closed door.
The next few days were blurrier than any thus far, Renée practically bought her a whole new wardrobe, and packed everything for her, as she just sat on her bed in shock.
She couldn't tell someone how she got to the airport, through the security checkpoint, or onto the plane.
It wasn't until she was a mile in the air, enroute to LAX, that Bella came back to Earth. And so did her emotions, everything that her numbness had kept away from her for a week and a half. She broke down, she was terrifying everyone on her flight she knew.
She couldn't help it. All of her fear, disappointment, disgust, rage, even emptiness. It was as if someone had opened Pandora's box inside if Bella. And for the first time since Monday morning two weeks ago, Bella began to feel the emptiness within her again. The eternal emptiness that her numbness had hidden from her.
Get used to it. What could ever fill it? Nothing
"Ma'am...MA'AM!" The stewardess finally gained Bella's eye contact, but what she saw made her wish she hadn't.
"A-are you okay?"
"No, but I'm better- I'm sorry..." her voice was surprisingly steady, steadier than the stewardess's.
"For what dear?" She sat down in the empty seat next to Bella, attempting to calm her, not only to appease the passengers, but she felt a desire to help this girl. She looked like a baby dear in headlights. She looked so young and innocent, yet like she had been given too much to handle, but she knew she was trying, the stewardess would never deny that.
"For disrupting the flight, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry I couldn't help it," Bella's sobs were quieting, and for once in what seemed like forever she was glad someone was with her.
"Screw the other passengers," the stewardess spat out, the girl needed someone, she could tell, she also knew that she couldn't be that person, "everyone deserves a breakdown."
"Jane, come on," another stewardess said as she walked by.
"Sorry dear, I have to go get ready for landing, please, tell someone what it is your hiding, you don't have to be alone when you breakdown."
Bella stared up at her with wide, watery, thankful eyes as she walked away.
She never saw the stewardess again, and she regretted not thanking her, but she was forever grateful she got on that plane.
ClancyBB Chapterly Quota:
22
(That's 5 more, and PLEASE do it fast...
I really want to update!
But I still want reviews! Haha)
Much love,
KPB