Chapter Three: In which two idiots go one worse than getting in a car full of strangers: they get in a train full of strangers.

Clearly, they are excellent role models.

Following their surprise meeting with those weird - detective - guys - who - likely - won't - be - relevant - to - the - rest - of - the - story (OR WULL DEY?), Honda's attempting to have an angst scene and be a p- duelist at the same time, and Jounouchi's random resurrection ("I'm alive now, because Avva Death Note Kebaba backfired, something like that, and now I've got a scar" "Any idea why?" "Oh, I blame the friendship feels" "Right you are!"), the Dreadful Duo then proceeded to spend a good hour or so frustrating the author.

Perhaps we should elaborate on this - it wasn't like they could wave their little fists in animated protest, but it exactly didn't take a genius to realize that in the current circumstances, they just weren't going to shut up, stop dueling randoms, and board the goddamn train. The main issue appeared to be that the place was simply too awesome - and so things kept on distracting them; things which weren't supposed to distract them, but which they still thundered towards with cries of joy. Between them, the dreadful duo managed to completely derail the plot the author had worked so hard for, thwarting her attempts to herd them back onto the right track; or, indeed, the platform. Back and forth they argued - she wanted them to get involved in a plot which took them through her many much-loved fandoms, and they preferred to drive the fic in ever-increasing circles as they saw yet another girl, their writer feeling more and more like a laughing stock with each circuit. Of course, it could be argued that since no-one was reading the fic, no-one was laughing - but then again, that probably wasn't much of a comfort.

The first of the many frustrations they inflicted was undoubtedly to be found in the truly irritating recaps they seemed to be so fond of spewing out, especially when there was some way they could turn it into a lecherous joke ("Check out my scar! Dunno how I got it, but it totally looks like a-" "Jounouchi!" "-uh, lightning bolt!"). By the time they were finished with those, the audience was made well and truly aware of the author's newfound desire to kill Jounouchi multiple times over (in the name of 'angst', or so she claimed), in a series or less than savory author's notes; or at the very least embarrass the guy by having every other male in the show hit o- I mean, win against him in a duel.

Yep, being beaten in a duel would sure be embarrassing.

Speaking of 'duels', these formed the second element of what truly irritated the author. As it happened, once they had finished recapping, Jounouchi and Honda dueled near constantly - creating constant problems for the author in covering up what was really going on in a way that was both stylish and novel. In the absence of any examples of a legible nature, it is probably best to say for now that the little writer came to deeply regret her earlier decision to stick truthfully to canon, and thus place all female Hogwarts students in skirts. Still, the duo seemed to be enjoying themselves; not that enjoyment was exactly at the forefront of the author's mind in this particular scenario, but at least it was a positive point...

Last, but certainly not least, came the metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back (or perhaps more appropriately the 'word that broke the writer's keyboard'): the author's horrible realization that Jounouchi and Honda were less interested in the whole 'underground magical world' thing than they were interested in the whole 'all the girls have to wear skirts' thing. They paraded quite happily past croaking pieces of candy, miniature fireworks, and some truly adorable owls that would never, ever bite someone with barely a glance in their direction (as Honda put it, "If they were badass owls, then I might want one") - and they certainly weren't entertained by the moving pictures of the newspapers, not even when a man shoved one into the blonde's face.

The last, incidentally, formed a major problem for the budding writer; moving pictures might seem like something utterly insignificant, of course, but that was the whole point.You see, the newspaper thing was something small, which they were nevertheless supposed to become enraptured in, and from there decide that magic was awesome, so boarding the train would be a really, really good idea, and the sooner they jumped on board, the better - who knows, there might be more newspapers onboard!

In other words, it was a plot point - a flimsy plot point, perhaps, but a plot point nonetheless. It would have made for a heartwarming scene indeed, had Jounouchi gone dallying onto the train with a joyous cry of 'Maaaaagic!'; and not, as the case had been, stuffed the proffered newspaper down the throat of its proffer-er, an action which led the main villain of the piece to an early grave. The little author did admittedly find a way around the problem of the general lack of interest in newspapers; after all, the boys seemed to be suitably entranced when they just happened to find a magazine with moving pictures of questionable conte - I mean, moving pictures of people dueling - but then again, they didn't exactly move when entranced, and there was no way that a train taking twelve - to - eighteen year olds was going to be sporting a cart that sold more of the things, even if it was a magical train. The duo, therefore, had no reason to get on the Hogwarts Express; and so they did not get on the Hogwarts Express.

It was somewhere around this point, that the author realized that writing this fic with Jounouchi and Honda staying in character was going to be a total pain. Naturally, being the author, she did the sensible thing - she bashed her head against the nearest wall several times, then sat back down and thought long and hard (even if it was 'Well, that was a jolly stupid idea', it still counted as thinking). She hummed and she hawed, she ate some more sugar, and then - ahhh, a stroke of genius! She hunched over her keyboard, letting the words flow - because yes, this is a brilliant idea, no way can they avoid getting on that train now - and at last, she sat back at her desk, heaved an enormous sigh of relief, and hit 'Post New Chapter', with her latest example of eloquence now shining at the bottom-

AN DEN JOU AN HNDAA GUT ON TWAIN AND IT WOZ KEWL ANDEN DERE WOZ HOGWARTZ.

-well, she did admittedly write that, but I probably shouldn't have mentioned it - spoilers, y'see. It's very important to avoid spoilers, because the audience isn't meant to know what's about to happen next, despite the next development being perfectly obvious, not to mention its being discussed for roughly a thousand words prior to its realization. Yes, it is of the greatest significance that a single sentence of badly spelled plot endings does not make its way into any fic, for it will surely wreck the atmosphere you have tried so hard to build...

...Ahhh, who am I kidding?

Let's just get on with the fic already.

As it happened, the Dreadful Duo did get on the train in the end. It took them a while, and both author and audience ultimately lost interest (not mention patience) but they did board eventually - no alluring Sue-angel, fire- breathing dragon, friends, or zombification required.

The funny thing is, all it took was a stick.

Standing guard over one of the train's many entrance points, and near Jounouchi and Honda in a manner most convenient, was a elderly man with a stick of perhaps thirty centimeters in length, and a scowl so deep as to be immeasurable. As the students boarded, this grump stopped them, so that he could then poke and prod each one in turn, passing the stick over their luggage when satisfied with his checking of its owner - this was evidently the wizard equivalent of a patdown. The younger kids just smiled and chatted to each other while the poking and prodding continued; but the teenagers, to their credit, looked rather uncomfortable about it; and perhaps it was because of this that Jounouchi and Honda paused to watch the show. After some time, they noticed that the girls in particular winced when the stick was passed over them, whilst the older boys tended to swallow hard whenever the stick was pointed at their trunk.

However, it so happened that just as the self - proclaimed 'Dreadful Duo' grew tired of observing this, and began to make their way across the platform in search of another magazine such as the one they had 'found' earlier, one female reacted to the stick with a cold fury. "Don't you point that thing at me!", she hissed, her friends trying to calm her down. "I have my rights!"

The older man's lip twitched in what might have been a smile; though in the minds of the blonde and the brunette, it was of course a lecherous leer. "Hiding equipment, are we?"

At that, Jounouchi and Honda, as clean - minded as ever, moved in for a closer listen, shooting each other furtive looks as the man, in a manner most routine, proceeded to jab the girl with his stick - but of course, to them, it was done very slowly and theatrically, in all the right places. "All right, you're almost done..." With a flick of the wrist, the man turned his attention to the girl's luggage, a bolt of red shooting from his stick.

"Accio illicit equipment!"

The case absolutely exploded – the lid flew off, the contents shooting high into the air-

-and for a brief, yet unforgettable moment, the two boys found themselves to be watching a torrent of frilly unmentionables taking flight with a bizarre gracefulness, the eyes of the duo going as wide as their open mouths at the sight. A second later, the censor kicked in, and they were watching a hurricane of trading cards; the bliss ultimately ended by the shrill screams of the loudspeaker:

"WILL ALL YOU MORONS WHO WANT TO GET TO HOGWART'S SCHOOL FOR WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY JUST GET ON THE TRAIN ALREADY?"

Jounouchi and Honda, being Jounouchi and Honda, continued to stare in the hope that they might somehow salvage the moment; in an attempt to regain his dignity, the elderly man glared in the direction of the blonde and the brunette, as he calmly waved the girl on board. "What, haven't you two ever seen a simple first-year charm before? Move along, move along!"

Honda blinked and looked away sheepishly; but Jounouchi grinned in his trademark goofy way and made his way closer, dragging his friend along for the ride, ey- honey orbs alight with mischief. "That was a spell, wasn't it?" He bowed curtly under the man's stare. "Sir - do they teach spells like that at Hogwarts?"

"Didn't I just say it was a first-year spell?" The inspector's voice suddenly hardened. "Come to think of it, you two don't look like you're from around here. Where are your trunks?"

The blonde blurted out the first thing that came to mind: "We are transfer students from Japan. Our trunks were sent ahead of us."

Silence - or at least, as silent as you could get in a busy train station, which was not very silent at all; we might as well just re-term it a long and distinctly awkward pause in the conversation and get on with it. The man glowered, Jounouchi smiled, and Honda sort of stared at his feet; though inwardly he was trying not to kick Jounouchi for saying something so idiotic. Their elder certainly didn't seem to have bought the lie; he folded his arms with a scowl. "Really? You don't look Japa-"

Right on cue, Honda spat out a torrent of Japanese; Jounouchi struggling to keep a straight face at the man's surprised expression - and his buddy didn't exactly help matters when he began to commentate on the current locations of the scattered unmentionables, the language barrier keeping him safe from a sound boxing about the ears. Eventually, Jounouchi found that he was forced to cut his friend off, lest the two of them randomly erupt into gales of laughter that likely wouldn't do their story any good. "Yeah, we're Japanese. So, uh - could we get on the train now?"

Well - the exchange student thing sounded like a reasonable enough excuse, and one of the boys could evidently speak Japanese, and they had found Platform Nine and Three Quarters, which they couldn't have done unless they had a guide. The old man had no reason to be suspicious, and thus ushered the two of them onto the train - after giving them a good poking, of course - and thought little of it.

So it was, that something really, really bad went down in the wonderful, oh-so-magical world of the wizards.

…No, Jounouchi had not just passed wind.

Notes:

- That method of getting them on the freaking train took me a surprisingly long time to come out with, sadly enough.

- I am a stickler for in-characterness. As a result of that, I have found before that it's all too easy to get this amazing plot... and then realize that as it is, your favourite characters are going to react entirely the wrong way, and tear it apart, whether you like it or not.

- If you're looking for a decent crossover in this, you won't find it here - so may I recommend Emissary of Darkness? I've been dabbling a bit in the HP/YGO crossover section - this one has great writing, great storyline, and it's all-round awesome.

- The author in the metaplot of this story (SHE SPEKA N ALL CPS NU SPELLIG) actually has her own story about her, which is on another site, set in another universe altogether - so this is technically a Pokeumans story about a Yu-Gi-Oh story about two idiots messing up a Harry Potter story and getting tangled up with Death Note. And then, seeing as Pokeumans itself is a spinoff of a fanfic of an anime of a game... yeah, let's just not go into it.

Review Replies for Chapter Two:

Leppy: Thirty Hs is an unusual comparison to be making, but eh - I'll take it as a compliment. It's a story (?) I read quite recently, so it may or may not have affected me during my writing of the obligatory grimdark chapter - at least we didn't get a chapter with a 'groinsaw'. As for Johji, I have to say that all that aspect of him did for me was make him disturbing. Gotta wonder what the heck his parents were like, eh?