'Lois – Make sure you get some sleep, for me, okay? I know how bad the dreams are, and getting worse but please remember to sleep. I don't want you to hunt without it, it could end up killing you. - Dad'

-

The smell of pancakes, topping with everything you could possibly imagine, filled my nose for the hundredth time in only a week.

Instead of bringing back a flood of good childhood memories, watching my parents hunt from the eyes of a child (cheering as they killed the thing that was making me sick), instead it brought back that day when everything burned away.

(years after the Winchester's suffered through the very thing)

"Mommy somethings coming, I can fill it, and it hurts so much."

Even now as someone watching I could feel the pain, as if claws were scooping out my guts then putting them back in at the same time, as if I was there once again five years old and terrified.

I had set off the warning bells like a good detector but this time I was far too late and death was upon us.

"Mommy!"

It was clear that she had planned on pushing me in the shadows or at least hiding my eyes from the blood that she knew was coming but as I said it was too late.

And these wide eyes of mine, that were given innocence for a short time before those haunting yellow eyes stole it away and made sure to burn the rest of it with mommy and daddy's pieces littering the floor.

"You won't escape me, little girl, I'll always find you."

Then blackness swooped down and the only thing left was a hot scream pulling me out my nightmare.

-

When I finally woke up one hand already muffling my scream and the taste of blood from the groves my nails had dug into my skin I knew right then that sleep was something I wasn't going to get.

This lovely dream of mine always made sure to leave out the ending, besides the view of my childhood home up in flames (the idea of vengeance would come much later), of me slipping through that son of a bitches fingers and falling into the strong arms of John Winchester.

('He's gone now, honey, trust me if I'm here he's long gone by now.')

Right when I was about to let myself get lost in my thoughts, of how I would slip away from them and when my fear would finally die away (never is a bitter word), I got one of a few surprises when I saw Sam's smiling face.

('you're a lonely little girl, and it will be something huge when that finally changes. Earth shattering.')

"And I thought I was the only one who got up this early. Dean sure doesn't."

By now I was dressed, finished going over our case files, and had brought enough coffee to wake up a small army. Time these days blended together and I had too damn much of it.

"Trust me, I'll beat both of you with getting up early since sleep doesn't come naturally for me."

Before he could ask why, both hands wrapped in bandages and throbbing were hidden from his view, I was busy getting buried yet again in our latest case.

(thankfully this one didn't involve fugly scarecrows)

"What time is it?"

Even Dean couldn't resist the smell of coffee and now was busy coming back to the land of the living.

"Six."

"AM? Great, I'm sharing a hotel room with a couple of freaks."

"Don't be such a hypocrite, you're just as freaky as we are."

(well maybe not so much as me)

He took the coffee from my out stretched hand, brushing finger tips and wicked grins was turning into a morning routine, and we started another day, us freaks.

"Since I'm up and that itself is a miracle, let's go get us some monster ass."

-

Everything was planned out, what weapons to use, where to strike, and how to kill it but fate had something else in mind.

('sometimes you can see it all and then the next thing you're blind as a bat, am I right?')

A scream was locked in my throat the moment I knew it was coming and that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

But I had a choice to make, one that I had to make each time who to save and who to let fate have it's way with, and I knew which one Dean would want me to make, so I pushed the two children to safety without a second thought.

"Dean!"

The shock of it filled every pore, even from a distance I could feel it all as if I was right beside him, that tortuous second and then like that it was over.

"Dean! Oh god no!"

-

"I'm so sorry."

Without thinking I took his hand in mine, that same one that has touched my own 'accidentally' for weeks, and got a good taste of all the pain swirling around inside.

('it's about time this soldier rested, it's about time')

And pulled it away sooner then either of us wanted because the biggest feeling I got from his touch was that of death.

"Hey, Lois, don't be sorry. This wasn't your fault, fates a bitch and the Winchesters are on her bad list."

Sam only saw the brave face he was putting on just for him but I saw how terrified he truly was and it was starting to rub off on me.

"And Sammy you better take care of that car or I will haunt your ass."

(I wouldn't blame him, she is so very awesome)

"You're not going to die. And I don't think that's funny."

"Come on it's a little funny."

Even with the fear tugging me down it was the pain that was swelling in Sam that hurt the most.

(the pain of losing what's left of your family, a pain I know all too well)

"Sammy, I'm going to die and there's nothing you can do about it."

-

We settled back into the hotel, case files littering the floor and if I wasn't getting so damn attached each damn one would be corpses by now, and it was clear that was needed something to save Dean and fast.

('just let me go, the both of you.' 'I'm sorry, Winchester, we can't do that.')

"We have to find something, Lois, we can't just sit back and watch him die."

It was easier to let myself comfort Sam, no chance of losing myself only Dean can pull away the mask I've managed to build up, ('you're just a marshmallow, baby, and it won't be long before you cave in'), so without a single word I pulled him into my arms.

"Am I interrupting something? God, Sammy, keep it in your pants. I'm not even dead yet."

We both were up helping him to the bed, Sam surprised that he could make it all the way here by himself, but I knew that even in weakness he had more strength then anyone I know.

"I'm good. But sorry Sammy I wasn't about to die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."

When he safely down, Sam off to bury his head in more books until he dropped, I placed a quick kiss on his lips.

('I know you'll be lured in by my boy some day but just make sure he doesn't go and break that heart of ours. Otherwise I'll be there to break some bones.')

It lasted barely a second, besides shock I could feel his hands yearning to keep me with him, before I pulled back and sat down on the beside him.

I allowed myself to finally cave in, to end this self-inflicted loneliness for the short time he has left, broke my promise to myself because this time it wouldn't be his involvement with me that ended him.

"What was that for, babe?"

His many names for me, in any other case would warrant a swift kick to the gut, has started to grow on me, not that I would ever emit it.

"Hey we might die and you're already half-way there, isn't that reason enough?"

(and in our line of work we'd never keep our lips away from each other)

"I believe so, but with a kiss like that, Lois, I would die everyday."

Then Sam was back, our little silent act unknown by anyone but us and our tingling lips, that pain finally replaced by hope.

(a feeling that I haven't felt in others or myself for years now)

"Guys, one of dad's friends, Joshua called back and e told me about a guy in Nebraska. A specialist."

"You're not going to let me die in peace, are you?"

"I'm not going to let you die period. Neither of us are, right, Lois?"

(and this marked the many years of hugging and puppy-dog eyes to come)

"Right."

-

I should be keeping my distance from him, in case I lose control of these lips once again, but right now it's my helping hand that is making sure he keeps his balance.

Instead of going right to Sam as I thought he would he reached out for me and I couldn't refuse a dying man.

(that opinion might end up being the ruin of me and my lips)

"Don't worry, Lo, I won't kiss you, I may bite though."

Each step was willed with hope at least in Sam, but Dean's were filled with acceptance of death and that was scaring the hell out of me.

('Death follows you, Lois, and you can never outrun it.')

But the moment the title 'faith healer' came in view, even I was a little weary of all of this, he slipped away from me just as fast as he grabbed on.

"Man, your a lying bastard. I thought you said we were going to see a doctor."

"I said a specialist, look Dean this guys supposed to be the real deal."

"I can't believe you brought me to see some guy that heals people out of a tent."

As we grew closer I was going slower with every all the sickness and hope that was filling up each and every one of them.

('does it hurt?' 'every damn time.')

"Did you know about this, Lo?"

He was hoping not for someone to slip their hands on him and wish away his illness instead he was hoping I would take his hand back and help him escape from it all.

But I was on the side of wanting him to live.

"I was left out of it myself."

Cameras watched our every move, the moment I felt them on me I froze, and I knew that just one small step had helped expose where I was hiding but because of my need to help Dean I didn't give a damn.

"Yeah peace, love, and trust all over."

(come find me you bastard,I dare you.)

"We're sitting up front."

"Oh come on Sam."

Sitting next to them in a room of thirty or more filled to the brim with so many doubts and death sentences that I could barely keep control and keep everything from flooding in. and with shaking hands I miss every word spoken until Dean's name is called, and Sam fills with so much goddamn hope while Dean is full of dread.

"Dean, I want you to come up here with me."

I stop myself from grabbing his hand and following him up there and instead I watch letting hope sneak in when I'm not paying attention.

When the faith healer places his hands on Dean I could feel his power, any doubts fled out the door, as Dean came crashing to the ground but the problem with the whole this was the fact that the power wasn't coming from his hands.

"Dean!"

And by his side I get an eye full of one scary son of a bitch who held all of the power that I knew only by one word, reaper.

-

As we heard the joyous news that Dean was in tip-top shape, no more reasons for my lips to find his until the next time (and I hear that its not that far away), we got the news that another man around twenty-seven had bit the dust and we knew that it somewhat connected.

"When I was healed I felt, well, I felt wrong. Cold and for a second I saw an old man. And I'm telling you guys that it was a spirit."

When we had run to Dean my hands had slipped on his and at that moment it sent a chill down my spine and left a taste of death lingering on my tongue.

('you've had a taste of death, Lois Murphy, and it was bitter and dusty.')

"Sam check out the heart attack guy, Lois and me will visit the reverend."

Before we were in the car he had my hand in his and turned me so that I was looking into those eyes that right now were filling guilt about even being alive, and here I was thinking he might want another life ending kiss.

"You saw it, didn't you, Lo? You saw the old man when I was healed."

The lies I could tell were filling me up, those very lies that I've been telling for god knows how long (and now they barely take any effect to say), but time I decided the truth was the best wayy to go.

"Yes, I saw it."

Unlike the others he didn't demand me tell how the hell I had seen what I saw, tell my big sob story with a matter of minutes and how them not give a damn, instead it was back to business like this had never happened.

The tea the reverend's wife gave out, too sweet just like her and I was afraid it would turn bitter just like she was deep inside, to the side and jumped into questioning them.

"I'm just trying to figure out what happened."

"A miracle is what happened, well, miracles come so often around Roy."

It was clear that his wife was lying just as sweetly as demons do, ('come with us, little girl, Johnny-boys over this way') but the reverend believed every word he said.

"Why, why me? Out of all the sick people, why save me?"

"I looked into your heart and you just stood out from all the others."

"What did you see in my heart?"

I kept my lips sealed when he asked this because I was afraid I would answer after all I had seen so much good things in his heart, the things that he couldn't see himself.

"A young man with a purpose, a job to do and it isn't finished."

-

"I'm sorry. Marshall Hall died at 4:17."

"The exact time I was healed."

"So I put together a list, everyone Roy has healed, and every time someone was healed someone else died. And of the illness the person was healed from."

"Someone is healed of cancer, someone dies of cancer?"

"Exactly."

"My god, it's trading a life for another."

"Wait, so Marshall Hall died to save me? Dammit, Sam you never should have brought me here."

"Dean, I was just trying to save your life."

"But Sam some guy is dead now because of me."

I didn't say a word but I knew how he feeling because of the shitload of blood that had been coating my hands for years now and each of them had died because of me and no one else.

(mommy and daddy were just the start)

"I didn't know. But how the heal is he doing?"

"You know how he's doing it, don't you Lois?

Instead of giving me 'you're a freak don't come near me look' he pulled me closer to them because he knew that that was asset right now and thankfully he had accepted me without even saying a word.

(so much for him hating surprised, and I still haven't gotten to the best parts)

"Yes I do, I knew it when I saw the old guy, we're dealing with a reaper."

-

After finished up the researched we need on the reaper, thankfully I had already done a lot before we had deal with a real one, we headed for the tent to try and stop Roy from killing another person.

While Dean went in Sam and I broke in the house and started looking for what was controlling the reaper.

It wasn't long before we found the book that Roy was using to control the reaper, filled with pictures of the victims that he had hand picked out.

"We have to find him before the reaper gets him, Sam."

And it was up to Dean to keep an eye on the service and make sure we made it to him before that son of a bitch heals another person.

"Yeah, he's picking people he sees as immoral. We'll find him, don't worry."

"But you can't let Roy heal anyone else."

He came running right to us and the reaper was on his tail but thankfully one of us could see him.

"Sam, he's coming and we can't stop him. "

has the service ended we thought that for the moment it was over but in a second the son of a bitch was back again and killing him right before our eyes.

(and I could feel every breath leaving him thanks to a wrinkled pair of hands)

"Stop it!"

"Dean, if it's not Roy who's doing it?"

"Sue Ann."

We helped him too his feet, both set of eyes watching out for another visit from our friend, and as the person responsible for it just walked away.

"Thank God."

-

"You have build a black alter with bad stuff, bones, blood. To cross a line like that. Black magic. Murder."

When I take that damned book out of Sam's hands I can feel all the power that it holds and those who have used it for so much evil. If you could feel it too I doubt you could handle it, it took me a few years to master it at the beginning being around these things would make me sick.

('you've come pretty far, I'm not sure I can call you my little girl anymore.' 'It's fine, John, I never really was one.')

"And to think she's just doing it now to kill people she thinks are immoral, it makes me sick."

"We have to find both the cross and destroy the alter. And do it tonight."

And in no time we were ready to put an end to this, praying that no one else is sick enough to do it again (if not I'll make sure to come back and kill the next one), once and for all.

"Got another kiss for me, Murphy? We might die, you never know."

He's like a tiger ready to strike but this time it's not claws but lips that are going to rip me up, make me fall into them for a second time in only a few days, but this time I he's no where near death so it's easier to push away his eager arms.

"Just to mix it up a little I'll have one for you if you make it back here in one piece."

"Hey what makes you so confident that you won't be for dinner?"

"Because I'm a good hunter, and so are you."

"Good, wear some lip gloss like a girl this time, okay, baby?"

-

We headed for the house ready to search every where for the alter as Dean went to distract the cops with a little chase.

"Hey, gonna put that fear of god in me?"

It wasn't long before we figured out that it was the cellar, okay I kind of helped Sam along in finding it but it was screaming at me from down there, and it of course was just as horrible as we thought it would be.

Both our hearts filled with terror as I lifted up a picture of Dean in the middle of it, all the evil energy aimed right at him.

"I gave your bother life, and I can take it away."

We weren't fast enough to catch her before she sealed us in, together pushing down that damn alter sending the evil flying everywhere, and now we needed to find a away out to or Dean wouldn't be getting that kiss after all.

"Can't you see I'm doing God's work, and Dean needs die just as Layla needs to live."

"Oh shut the hell up."

-

"Come Sam, we have to get to him!"

Every step I took running as fast as I could I felt him dying, even from this far away I felt like I was in his shoes getting the live chocked out of me (bad sign, very bad sign), and it just made me run though it even faster.

Without stopped I ripped everything out of her hands knowing very well that doing so would bring about her own death, and did so out of breath and smiling.

"Bitch. You can't play God."

-

I chose the truth of the mountains of lies I could have told him, now I only have a few items I'd rather keep to myself (that not even a kiss from him could bring out), and I knew it wouldn't be long before I had to tell him everything. But for now I started out with a basics of it all, that I could feel if he was hurt or dying.

(and I bet it would be the same with Sam)

"You felt me dying, every bit of it?"

"Oh god yes, damn it hurt like hell. And I usually can't feel it that far away."

"But for me you could, how come?"

"I like you, it's that simple, Dean. We're connected."

And he wasn't the first, only the first in a long time, even now I could feel if John Winchester, the hero of my childhood and the man I sometimes called dad, was biting the dust. It was a curse and a blessing, the curse being that most of the time I can never save the ones I love.

"So I better keep those nasty thoughts to myself, huh?"

"Trust me, Winchester, you couldn't if you tried."

The day ended with the being of a tradition, a kiss for every day we keep our selves alive.

"Dammit, Lois, now I have to watch both our backs so I can get a goodnight kiss. Isn't that messed up?"