Chapter 3: Witnesses- or are they?

DISCLAIMER: We do not own the Bartimeaus trilogy, Star Wars, trademark light sabers, Monty Python, the truth, today, tomorrow, McDonald's, The Night Santa went Crazy, Charlie the Unicorn, or the Fruity Cheerios Happiness Song.

So Nathaniel lets the piñata down and…

it says, "That was acting children!"

"I'm not a child, I'm a young adult for your information!" Sure he is. The piñata starts running away when Debbie and Lorenzo pop up with light sabers.

"The Force be with you," says Lorenzo. The two lunge at the piñata and slash him open, eating all the candy they can stuff into their faces. Suddenly, everything goes quiet as the doors burst open to reveal: a giant bubble blowing papaya! The papaya yells, "Where are the witnesses? Get on with it! (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)"

"Geeze," Debbie says, "You don't have to be so rude! Just go back to Jamaica and blow up a gas station or something (inside joke)." Then the papaya runs out of the court room crying, "You don't have to be so mean!" in an extremely high, falsetto voice. His interruption got everyone back on track in a weird sort of way. So Debbie and Lorenzo took their chainsaws and flails and waved them around saying, "SILENCE IN THE COURTROOM!" even though there was already silence.

"Now," said Lorenzo. "Where is your witness Nathaniel?"

Nathaniel says in a dramatic voice, "I call Kitty Jones, my one true love to the stand!" Kitty comes in and whacks Nathaniel on the head with a random cane. Debbie attempts to swear her in.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth which is truth which is not a lie, but a truth, which is the whole truth and it's the truth that is truthful which is true and not a lie."

"Could you repeat that?" asked a disturbed Kitty. Debbie opens her mouth to continue, but the whole court shouts, "NO!"

"Well, do you?"

"Whatever, yeah," Kitty said.

"Okay," said Debbie. "Where were you on the day of today of today that was tomorrow?"

"Uh, here?" said Kitty.

"WRONG!" said Vicki. "Oh, wait, is that right?" Lorenzo decided to take over from there.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Lorenzo holds up 2 thumbs and 3 fingers up, trying to trick Kitty.

"3," Kitty answers confidently. Bartimeaus interjects that it is 5, but quickly retracts the objection. Debbie shouts for silence and declares that "thumbs aren't fingers you stupid djinni. Now who's the smart one?" Lorenzo then trips over some randomly placed guacamole, knocking Debbie out of her seat and into a randomly placed ball pit from McDonald's. Then Debbie and Lorenzo get into a big cat fight with lots of spazing in which Nathaniel says,

"Ladies, ladies. No need to fight over me." The two judges glare at him and bond over using their magical author powers to tape him to the ceiling with silly string. The next witness is Faquarl.

"What am I doing here?" was his opening statement. "Bartimeaus, I bet you did this. I was enjoying a nice vacation in the Other Place when I get a summons to court by 2 hyperactive stupid human teenagers? I hope I'm dreaming."

"We're not stupid!" Debbie yelled and threw her flail at Faquarl. "That's 500 years of community service for you. Guards, take him away! Next witness!" Lorenzo says,

"The next witness is Jessica What's-her-face! Jessica, what do you think of Nathaniel? Should he be pardoned?"

"Of course not. He's a jerk and I disowned him! And I don't even know what he's guilty for. Burn! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy being an anorexic."

"Whatever," said Lorenzo. "Get out of our sight. You disgust us." She left. "Our next witness is Charlie the Unicorn." He enters with a disgruntled look on his face.

"OMG! Can you take me to candy mountain?" Debbie asks excitedly.

"No!" he says in an agitated voice.

"So, Charlie, if that is your real name. Where were you when all this happened?"aiolfdjhql;wkrt4opuopiqutturi6tq05topiewtrpouetujrwkljti '(sorry, we got a major sugar spasm) Suddenly, the authors/judges start burping uncontrollable and jumping up and down on people's heads and throwing around torches ignited by their burps, and singing loudly to the Night Santa Went Crazy, and doing the can-can.

"I guess I'm done here," says Charlie who gallops away.

"COURT DISMISSED! Until tomorrow!" said Debbie while eating a lollipop. "Dun-dun-DUUUUHN! Mwahhhaaahhhwahhmwahhhhahahaha!" and she started to gag. She fell onto the floor, writhing and coughing, until Lorenzo gave her the Heimlich maneuver.

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