Peeta steps slowly to the couch never breaking eye contact. His expression is full of compassion as he sits directly beside me. This closeness is too much too soon. I withdrawal from him and move as far as the couch will allow. Peeta emits a little laugh and moves closer to me. The laugh must be in response to the scowl I am bestowing on him, which could have more of an affect if tears weren't still streaming down my face. His arm touches mine and deciding that I need to be farther away I stand up. His closeness is making me uncomfortable, but before I can move any farther away Peeta grabs my arm and forces me back down on to the couch.
"Stop moving" he huffs at me like a parent would scold a child.
"I wasn't forced to come back to 12. I chose to come back." He enunciates each word slowly, like I am hard of hearing. Although I can hear every word they do not make any sense. Why would he decide to come back when there is nothing here for him anymore? "That's not real." I blurt out.
"Why would you choose to come back here? Your family is gone, I am damaged and the sight of me makes you distressed." I blurt out before I can think of my words consequences.
At the mention of his family his head lowers and his grip loosens on my arm. What I said hurt his feelings. I am always hurting him! "Peeta I am... I am sorry about about your family, but the rest is still true."
"My family is gone. That is real. You can't even tell where the bakery stood anymore amongst the rubble". Peeta's breath catches when he mentioned the bakery. He then turns his face towards me which has become more rigid and looks me confidently in the eyes.
"I was not forced to come back Katniss. Plutarch wanted me to stay in the Capital and Dr. Aurelius even was against me returning this soon or ever. I however….I needed to return home, not for you, for me." Peeta's head lowers again removing his eyes from my gaze his expression seems ashamed.
"My memories are getting easier to decipher than before, but some are still shimmery and my interpretations of some are cloudy. I don't know who I am Katniss. There is this shell I have been able to construct of who I was, but it has no substance. I need you. " He looks back up and places his hand on top of mine.
"No one else knows me like you do. I could see that when we were in the Capital, during the war. When you were telling me how I was a painter, a baker, that I like to sleep with the windows open. I could tell you knew things about me, things others didn't. We have been through alot together and I need help figuring out what is real and what is not. I didn't want to bring it up yet because you are still dealing with losing …." My body tightens up at the anticipation of her name.
"Prim. I didn't want to put any extra burden on you." he whispers.
There he goes thinking of me again even though he says he is not here for me. He decided to come back home and needs my help. Can I give him what he needs? I try so hard to forget the past, but forgetting doesn't do justice to those who are no longer with us. They wouldn't want me to live like this; Cinna, Finnick, Prim and all the others who can't be here. I need to start living for them and remember them for Peeta. However, there is one statement Peeta said that I don't understand and want clarification, "You're not forced to stay here with me?" I reply.
"No, not forced, here by choice." My arms encircle him in a tight embrace before I realize what I am doing. My body has always acted on its own around Peeta. The movement although must of been too quick for Peeta to process, because his body tenses underneath my arms. "Katniss stay still" he whispers in my left ear. I can feel his hot breath on my neck. We sit on the couch for a few minutes, my arms wrapped around his body until he releases them from a top of his shoulders.
"I'm sorry I can control the urges, but if I am not on guard an episode can creep up on me. I need to take it slow Katniss." Slow. I can do slow.
"Okay" I say sheepishly. .
"Then you'll allow it. Us being friends, you helping me make sense of my memories?" His words resurface a memory of the day Effie and Haymitch canceled our prepping before the Quarter Quell. Of our shared moments on the rooftop, when I let go of the fear and worry, and allowed myself to be happy with Peeta.
"Yes I will allow it." A smile forms on my face.
"I asked you this before, real or not real?" Peeta says unsure. The image he is seeing must be struggling with the fake ones that the Capital implanted.
"Real." I say back to him. Watching his face while he figures out which images are real.