Chapter 3—The Way It Is

I've had a lot of deaths in my family lately. This chapter is for my sweet kitty named Fuzz. I hope she forgives me for everything. She passed away 3-8-07 after being attacked by that psychotic dog.

To Fuzz: I'm sorry I didn't take care of him earlier. Please forgive me. Wait for me at the Bridge, sweet baby.

Ruth

With the help of the drugs that the doctor left behind, I slept soundly for the first time since the Titanic tragedy. The sleeping aids the doctor had given me had helped a lot, but if I was going to get to the bottom of the identity of the woman in the photo with the Metcalfe girl, I had to do it in a way that Cal would not catch on to. I knew deep in my heart that Rose was alive. I knew that if I kept ranting on about her being alive and not having any proof, Cal would have me committed to a hospital and I would never be able to find my daughter. I knew I had to keep quiet about my idea of Rose being alive until I had concrete proof she was still alive. After I was done, Cal would see that Rose was alive and would apologize for treating me as badly as he did and Rose would marry Cal, just like she was supposed to do. Just like she was required to do and just like she had planned to do before Titanic sailed and sank.

My attendant came up on time and I was dressed and ready before breakfast. I remained cheerful and pleasant during the time she was in the room. I knew Cal well enough to know that the attendants that dealt with me were reporting back to him every move that I had made. I kept the tone of our conversation light and airy and did my best to keep any feelings of Rose being alive to myself. I didn't need one of the servants rushing to Cal to tell her I was still speaking of my daughter in the tense that she was still alive. Since it wasn't that cold outside yet, I decided to have some juice on the lanai before we all sat down.

"You're up bright and early. And to what rare occasion do we owe this debt of gratitude to?"

I turned around in my chair to see Cal walking towards me. "Why yes I am and nothing is owed except for your company with me for a moment. It's a semi-pleasant day outside and I decided to enjoy the air a bit before breakfast. Would you care to join me?"

Cal unbuttoned the bottom buttons of his vest before sitting down in a chair beside me. "I don't mind if I do since you seem to be in better spirits than yesterday." He summoned one of the attendants and after disappearing briefly inside the kitchen, she returned with a cup of coffee for him and more juice for me.

"Thank you. Thank you very much." I said to her as she poured my drink.

She looked almost surprised that someone thanked her for the job she was paid to do. She curtsied, "You're welcome, ma'am."

"So what about this nonsense of Rose being alive, Ruth? What are we going to do about it?"

I let out a small laugh as I tried to cover up the vitriol in the back of my throat at the way Cal was referring to Rose. "I do apologize for my ramblings last night. I must admit I sounded a bit strange and perhaps a bit manic. The stress of losing my daughter in the most unfortunate manner has caused me to become a bit ill in the mind from time to time. It's just still so difficult some days."

Cal took a sip of his coffee and nodded his head. "The photo does look a bit like her, but we both know it's not her. Rose would be here if she was alive. You and I both know that, Ruth. She would have found me if she were alive. She loved me, remember?"

I absentmindedly looked at him for a moment. "Yes. She does love you."

"Did love me. Remember, Ruth? Did love me. She's not alive anymore."

I shook my head, "I do apologize. I keep forgetting that sometimes. What I meant was that I'm sure wherever she is right now, she still does. I'm sure she's deeply regretting the fact that she's no longer here with us anymore."

"I'm sure that she is. Most of all, she was your daughter. You raised her. You were her mother."

I nodded my head slowly while trying to contain the urge to scream at Cal that Rose was alive. I knew in my heart she was alive after seeing her in that photo at the inquests. There was no way that Rose would give everything up. She loved Cal and I know she loved me. Why would she just give all of it up for nothing when here, she had everything? It just didn't make sense, but the instinct I had after seeing the photo made me believe something else was out there.

Rose

Jack was out of the house, which gave me time to just be alone. While he was gone, I kept having flashbacks to my previous life with Cal and Mother. Thoughts of Titanic, the same boring dances, the monotonous parties and stiff polo matches kept running through my mind. Torie had told me that my death announcement made the papers soon after Titanic sank. She brought home a copy of the newspaper from Philadelphia that her father had given her to show me. As I read the article, I kept thinking that it was so surreal to be reading about my funeral in the paper. Cal, I'm sure, arranged for it all to make himself look like the victim instead of the pompous ass he really was. My funeral was headline news in Philadelphia where we were going for our engagement party as well as Pittsburgh, where Hockley Steel was headquartered. Last we had all heard, Cal had moved to Pittsburgh to work for his father and I'm sure he was out to find a new society girl to boss around. Even though I had long since severed ties to that part of my past, I knew how it felt and as a result, I felt sorry for her already.

I felt a pain in my side and realized that the baby was moving around. I smiled as I thought about how happy I was. I had Jack, I had my home, I had this baby and most importantly I had a life far, far away from Cal and Mother.

"Mother." I said the name slowly as if trying to swallow some bad medicine. "I wonder what she is doing without me." I put my left hand on my stomach and looked down. "Do you think she even cares that I'm gone? Do you think Cal does? Am I wrong for thinking about her given everything she put me through in the past?" The baby's only response was another movement in my midsection. "I get it. Try not to think about that right?" I closed my eyes to relax a moment. "You're wise beyond your years and you aren't even here yet. Here you are, still inside me, and you're already bossing me around." I stopped to glance out the window as I heard a car pass by. "But I guess you're right. Thinking about the past only will drag me down. I was pretty far down when I met your father. If he hadn't pulled me off the back of that ship, I don't know what would have happened." I started to laugh. "Your father said I wouldn't have jumped. I suppose he was right. I hate the water and always have. To this day, I still don't know what I was thinking by hanging on the back of the ship like I did, but I see it this way and that it was just plain fate. Fate brought your father and me together. We almost lost each other but that made us realize what we mean to each other. Almost losing someone you love will do it to you. Just look at your Aunt Torie and Uncle Harry. They had the same fears as I did. Torie got separated from Harry during the sinking and neither of them knew if the other was alright." I waited for another kick from the baby, but nothing. "I guess I put you to sleep already." I stood up and walked over to the window on the opposite side of the house. Through this window, I could see straight into Victoria's living room from where I was standing. A small, white picket fence covered in vines separated our yards. Harry got tired of seeing Torie or me walk around our houses to the front to visit, so he and Jack cut a gate in the middle of that fence and lined a path with stones so we could visit without having to walk around the front of the houses. I tried to see if I saw any movement over there, but after watching for a moment, I let the white sheer drapes back down and waddled over to the couch to lie down for a nap. It didn't take me long to fall asleep.

"Rose, darling. We must be going. It is time, sweet pea."

"Jack? Where are we going?" I pushed the covers off of my body and started to smile. Instead of seeing Jack, there stood Cal.

"Sweet pea, who is Jack? Now please hurry, we don't want to be late! Your mother is waiting."

"No! No, this is not my life." I took a step back as Cal stood in the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here? Where is Jack?"

Cal's face went from pleased to worry as soon as I finished speaking. "Rose, darling, did you sleep okay? You're not acting like yourself. I do not know anyone named Jack. Do you know where you are? Are you okay? And who is Jack?"

I pushed Cal out of my way and walked into the hallway of our home. It was the house that Jack and I lived in, but Jack was nowhere to be found. I looked around the room and everything was different. The furniture Jack and I had was gone. There were no pictures of us were on the walls. All of the photographs on the walls were of Cal and me. I studied a few of the photographs and was horrified at what I saw. Cal and I were married. The cathedral that my wedding to Cal was supposed to be at was prominent in a few of the photographs as well as the huge wedding party that was to go along with the lavish celebration my mother had planned out. I shut my eyes, trying to force the images out of the photographs, but when I opened my eyes, Cal's evil smile stared down at me from the photographs on the walls. I started to feel sick as I looked around, trying to find any hint of Jack in our home. Jack's coat he left on the coat rack in the hallway was gone. I walked back to my bedroom and opened the closet and the drawers to the bureau. Jack's uniforms were gone. I moved some of my clothes out of the way and instead of seeing Jack's boots, I saw more of my shoes. I slammed the door to the closet and walked back out to where Cal was. I started throwing clothes out of the drawers to the bureau, looking for Jack's uniform shirts and socks. I found nothing that even hinted Jack was still around. "What did you do with Jack you arrogant bastard? Jack's White Star Lines uniform shirts belong in these drawers but they're gone. All of them are gone. Where is Jack?"

I raised my fists to hit Cal, but he stopped me and brought my fists back down to my waist. "Rose! Snap out of it. I haven't the slightest clue as to who this Jack person is, but if you don't stop, you're going to upset the baby as well as your mother. She's already had one attack today. Please don't give her another!"

I wiggled free of Cal's grip and looked down at my stomach. I was still pregnant. "This isn't your baby and to hell with my mother. This is Jack's baby. How dare you try to take this from him!" I turned to walk towards the front door, hoping Torie was home to straighten this nightmare out. "Leave me alone, you bloody bastard!"

"Oh, dear." Cal shook his head as I ran out the door.

The gate wasn't cut in the fence between our houses. "Harry cut this. I know he did." I left the area where the gate was supposed to be, still wondering what was going on as I walked to the front gate and through it and raced up the walk that Harry had laid not too long after they moved in next door. The door wasn't locked so I let myself in. "Torie? Where are you?" Silence. "Victoria! Victoria!" I rounded the corner in the kitchen headed into the sitting room and she came down from the back bedroom.

"Rose, you look a fright. What is wrong?"

"Oh Thank God! You know who I am. What is going on? Cal is next door in our home. Jack is gone and I don't know what in the hell is going on."

Victoria motioned for me to sit down and I ignored her as she tried to calm me down. "What on earth are you talking about? You look as if you've seen a ghost."

"I have. Torie, where is Jack? Cal is in our house. Cal is saying the baby is his. Jack is gone. There are no photographs of him. All of his White Star Lines clothes are gone. There is not one single item in the house that belongs to Jack. Please, go with me. Tell Cal the baby is Jack's and Jack and I are married. Cal doesn't believe me."

She sighed, "Not again" She motioned for me to sit on a kitchen chair and I did. "Rose, who is Jack?"

I stood up so fast that I knocked the chair over. "Oh God! Not you too! What the hell is going on here?" I began to pace in the living room. "Where is Jack?" Torie stood up. She was no longer pregnant. "Where's your baby?"

"My baby? Little Harold is upstairs, asleep. Why? Mrs. Miller just put him down for his nap. Rose, you really must sit down. You're going to cause stress the baby. Please, sit before the baby is harmed by your mad rantings."

I shook my head and sat down. "No! Victoria, no! Not until I find out what is going on here. Jack and I got married. Remember? We got married at the same time you and Harry got married. Remember? The Astoria, after the sinking? We got married at the same time you and Harry did? Do you not remember any of this at all? It was before the inquests? Your father paid for it all and Shannon was the flower girl."

"Rose, I have not a clue who you are talking about. Shannon was our flower girl and you were my matron of honor, but Harold and I got married about a year ago at the Pittsburgh Yacht Club. Father approved of it and even gave Harold a job working for him."

I stood up and put my hands on Torie's shoulders. "VICTORIA ANNE LOWE! This is NOT FUNNY anymore. What in the hell is going on?"

"My last name isn't Lowe. It's Murray. Remember? My husband's name is Harold Murray. You don't remember do you? You don't remember that your mother introduced us at that polo match a year ago in Pittsburgh. He's Cal's cousin. Remember now?"

"No, no. No. No." I started to back up as my head started to spin, "Torie, please. Tell me what is going on here. Something is not right and no one will tell me the truth. Jack is supposed to be here. No one knows who Jack is. It's like he doesn't exist. None of this is right. What is going on here?"

"Sweat pea, there you are. Victoria, is she making any sense?" Cal came up behind me and started to pull me in close to him. I shook myself away from his grip.

Victoria shook her head, "I'm afraid not."

"I had a feeling this might happen. You know what we need to do."

Victoria nodded.

"No!" I sat straight up on the couch as I was panting from my nightmare. "Jack!" I stood up and ran to our bedroom, knocking some books off the table in the living room as I ran by. I got to our bedroom and looked around. It looked the same as it did before my dream. I saw a photo on the bedside table and picked it up, not really wanting to see it, but I knew I had to look. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that it was our wedding photo was on the bedside table. I grabbed it and stared hard at the photograph of Jack and me both smiling after we were married. Torie and Harry were on one side of me. James and Shannon were on the other side of Jack. I heard the door open downstairs and it slammed shut quickly. "Jack!" I ran back in the living room. "Jack!"

"Rose, what's wrong?"

I turned to find Harry standing in my living room, breathless from running. "Oh God, Harry!" I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me in tight, trying his best to calm me as waves of shaking took over my body. I began to breathe hard. "Where is Jack? My husband. Where is Jack?"

"Jack?" He looked puzzled.

"Oh God! Harry, no. No! You don't know who Jack is do you? What the hell is going on? You know who Jack is, he's my husband, right?"

"Your husband?" Harry stood back, "Rose are you feeling alright?"

"God, no. Cal got to you, too?" I took a step back, "Harry, where's Jack, my husband?"

He shook his head, but answered my question, "He's at the dock getting ready to sail next week. Remember? He said he'd be back before dinner. I promised Torie I'd stop by the market and pick her up a few apples for a snack. She's been craving them. I told her I'd bring them by on my lunch break, but forgot. I made a special trip home before I got into trouble. See?" He held up a brown paper sack, presumably containing the apples. "Are you okay?"

"No. I'm not. Harry, please. Tell me. Jack is okay, right?" I tried to catch my breath as I sat down on the chair in the sitting room. Harry put the bag down and squatted next to me.

"Jack is fine. He's at the docks. I promise you. I heard you yelling for Jack from our house. I didn't know what was wrong, so I came over."

"Just a bad dream. That's all. If Victoria is awake, would you send her over if she feels like it?"

He nodded and said he would. I relaxed into the chair and felt the baby kick again. "So you're awake too." I looked up when I heard footsteps in my kitchen. "Torie?"

She smiled as she came into the room. "Harry said you were upset. Are you okay? Is Jack okay?"

I swallowed as I nodded. "Yes. He's fine I think. Harry said he forgot your snack and he heard me yelling like a mad woman. Please assure him I'm okay."

She looked at me as she pulled a kitchen chair in front of me and sat down. "Are you?"

"Just a really bad dream. I tried to take a nap. I was married to Cal of all things. Cal was here with me, in this house. I kept calling out for Jack, trying to find him. He wasn't here and no one heard of him. You were married to Harold Murray, whoever that was, and you had already had the baby. You had a boy and you named Little Harold."

Victoria snickered, "Harry does want to name the baby Harold Junior if it's a boy, but you know that."

I smiled weakly, "Anyway. You weren't married to your Harry anymore, but rather an imposter Harry only you called him Harold and not Harry. Everyone I asked had no clue who Jack was. No one heard of Jack, mother had an attack and when Cal asked you what to do, you just said that you both knew."

"Then what?"

I shook my head, "I woke up."

"Sounds like your dream was pretty real."

"It scared me. It really did. I was yelling so loud for Jack, Harry heard me. He came running inside and told me Jack was okay. He's at the docks I think."

Victoria nodded, "They're getting ready to leave next week. It'll just be the two of us again. Nothing but you, me, the house and a deck of cards right?"

"I guess so." I looked around the house. "Will you stay with me? At least until Jack gets home? I don't want to be alone."

She reached in and held my hand, "Of course I will."

I felt better knowing she'd be there with me, but I still wanted to know what my dream was all about. I just hoped I never thought of it again.