A/N: As I stated in my last chapter, all ANs, unless stated as I am doing here, are the olds ones I wrote initially with the story when the muse hit, more than likely years ago. This particular idea for example I wrote back in 2013. So if something in them seems off or odd, just consider I wrote it before I even contemplated writing for real. Before Second Life was even an idea, much less something I put hundreds of hours into writing before posting. Hell, I think I wrote this particular Twilight story before I created a FFN account.

So yeah, heads up on that. Most of the stories that I will post on this will be old, unedited, and I probably wrote them over several sessions that spanned days, if not weeks. Leaving them FULL of plot holes, sentences that counter what was written not a paragraph prior, a cat where a dog used to be earlier. ETCETERA.

EVERYTHING that I post here is up for adoption, without even having to ask me. I do however ask that you be kind enough to send me a PM telling me you are, so that I can lead others to your story, and so that I may enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Sincerely,

CG

A/N: …A Twilight story. [Which I will admit, until the likes of Mya Uzo, I had absolutely REFUSED to read. (The fanfics, I actually read the books for reasons I will explain below.)]

One where Bella, is completely OOC, because I REALLY don't like Bella's character in the book series.

Literally EVERYONE else, I can accept. Even the creepy stalker bishie. Even if they disgust me, their characters make sense… Bella's does not. At all. Like, ever.

So yeah. OOC BELLA!

This story of mine, is inspired by Mya's own Twilight RPG Story. Which is AWESOME, like so many of her/his stories. Check it out, it takes the ACTUAL Bella, and makes her GROW THE F*CK UP, and become a likeable character, in a mostly realistic way.

If Bella had continued (un?)living for a hundred years, died, and found out her life was a game that made her restart from the moment she entered the Forks.

So yeah, MOSTLY, realistic way. XD

Mine (This one at least), I am afraid, has no gamer aspects sadly. It will however, hopefully, be just as ridiculously awesome, if my prologue and the fact that the genre is under humor/parody doesn't tip that off, I don't know what will.

ANYWAY! That out of the way, this story has a preset pairing, which I will keep secret for now, even if it really isn't all the hard to guess based on my personality and how the story will progress, but whatever.

(For those of you who cried out in anguish and despair. NO! IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT EDWARD! FUCK THAT CREEPY SPARKLY STALKER BISHIE! Nor is it Jacob for that matter. Nothing against the guy, as he is a fairly likeable character, [if you take his age, upbringing and sudden encounter with the supernatural into account, you can see that he is a properly fleshed out character] in a shitty world with shitty family, feuds, enemies and friends. However, this particular story will not have him as the pairing with Bella.)

We find ourselves looking at a scene far too common for my tastes.

Although, to be fair, this one is better than most I have run across lately.

A previously happy couple married and with a young daughter, separated. The mother is getting ready to leave with her daughter, while the father remains behind in a house that is suddenly too big and cold.

Under normal circumstances, the mother's influence imparted upon their daughter, the absolute reliance on having a sexy and rich male to be properly happy, would lead the girl to grow up to be a vapid teenager with the NEED to be with a creepy, one hundred-ish year old immortal with skin of granite, a bi-polar disorder that would have her wanting to commit suicide more than once, and a need to be mysterious and 'bad-boyish' for no explainable reason behind him being a giant douche with an ego the size of Russia.

Thankfully, for this iteration of Isabella 'Bella' Swan, and ourselves, I will be intervening and making sure that NEVER HAPPENS.

For all of you readers, don't worry, this will be my sole appearance. After this, it will be written in first person narrative, from Bella's point of view, and then will switch to CG's more standard third person narrative. CG just needed a reason to change Bella, and I, the great Deadpool came to mind, and I can only speak in first person, because otherwise I would sound stupid. I mean, who speaks in third person?

For the record, this is NOT a crossover with myself, although my influence will be seen, I just happened to be in this section of fanfiction for whatever reason, and decided to help out a poor soul since I am just that kind of guy.

In no way was I bribed with tacos. Although I will admit that CG makes pretty good tacos.

ANYWAY! I stealthily made my way to the area holding the little girl's trunks, where she had stashed her future favorite book, given to her by her mother, 'Romero and Julietta', or something like that. Just know it was about a pair of feuding Mexican mafia families and there was a bunch of tragic deaths or whatnot. Well, I took the still wrapped up piece of trash, and I replaced it with my own personal work, the complete first edition collection of 'How to be as awesome as Deadpool (Which is impossible, but that shouldn't stop you from trying)', signed by God A.K.A. Me, and with a goodie bag for my first customer and fan in this universe filled with pussy sparkly vampires.

With that, I have to go. Toodaloo~~

As I watched as mom helped bring my heavier bags and trunks into the room that she had assigned me in our new apartment, I knew nothing would be the same again. I hadn't really wanted to leave dad… but I wasn't asked. Mom had asked dad for custody of me, and he relented, believing that she would be the better parent, as he had a dangerous job with odd hours.

So before I could properly say goodbye, a few days after my birthday, all my stuff, even the things I hadn't bothered to open, were packed and I was in a car heading to my new home with mom.

"Start unpacking dear, we will head out for some food tonight since we don't have anything to cook." Oh yeah, dad couldn't cook to save his life, so that would also have been a problem if I was with him. Constant delivery, take-out, and visits to the local diner.

"Ok mom." With that, she gave me a smile, and left to get started on her own room, so that she could at least sleep in peace tonight and be ready for tomorrow.

I walked over to the bag that held my clothes and got started. Since dad had packed them with the hangers, it was easy for me to put most of my clothes away. Then I got my sheets and quilt for my bed. With that done. I had no real priority, so I decided that I might as well get started on those gifts I never managed to open thanks to mom's revelation that day.

At least dad didn't think it was a brilliant idea to tell your daughter on her birthday that her parents were officially divorced and she would be taken away from one of them for the foreseeable future.

I reached up and grabbed the first package, one I didn't QUITE recall. It was a large rectangular package with red wrapping paper covered with weird faces, it looked like someone got lazy and just two black circles inside a single big one, and put white dots inside the smaller pair. I didn't recognize it, if it had bin pink with hearts it would be signifying it was from mom. Dad went for more rustic designs, and colors.

When I tried to lift it, I found that it was rather heavier than I expected. I lugged it over to the bed, before proceeding to open it slowly, taking my time with the wrapping paper.

I swear that I had a look of confusion on my face as I read the title on the blood red and black book, 'How to be as awesome as Deadpool.' By Wade Wilson, A.K.A. Deadpool. Curiosity alone made me open the book beyond that.

As the pure unadulterated awesomeness erupting from its holy pages swept over me, I knew nothing would be the same again.

Renee Dwyer walked away from her new room, sporting a new outfit. Sure, she wasn't PLANNING on looking for anyone tonight, but a woman must always look good when going out, or she might just miss that single most important opportunity.

For now, however, she was heading out with her daughter to a ladies' night out, for a good meal to celebrate their new home.

She found her daughter, Isabella, on her bed, a large book in her hands, with most of her boxes still packed.

"Bella. I know there isn't a rush, but you can't procrastinate and leave everything unpacked like this. What have you gotten through so far."

She saw Bella look up from her book, an odd light in her eyes. "I did go through almost everything mother, the only things left are mostly odds and ends I don't really want decorating my room."

"Really? Then I can just open any box and find it empty?" Bella nodded in response. "Really? I really will throw all these out if you keep that up, and then what will you do?"

Bella merely raised a single eyebrow dramatically, which confused her mother, as she didn't know she could do that, "I would recommend you recycle the cardboard boxes rather than throw them away, and the few things I have not unpacked, that I don't PLAN to unpack, I would say to give to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Honestly though, I am not being lazy, look through them, I have unpacked most of the things."

Renee gave her that 'I don't believe you' look, before proceeding to open the nearest box, and finding it empty, along with the next three boxes. "Well then. I stand corrected. Well then dear, since you were telling the truth and seemed to have worked hard, where do you want to go for dinner?"

This time, Renee almost swore she saw a light shine in her eyes as she got a mischievous look to her features. "Chimichangas."

A/N: Before anyone asks. Yes. Yes, I did just do that.

Anyway, she will NOT be a female Deadpool. She will still be human, without an increased regeneration rate that makes her immortal for all intents and purposes. She will merely act SIMILAR to Deadpool. Like a fan imitating their favorite superhero, there will be similarities, but never be the same.

However, she will not just be a wise-cracking mercenary insane jackass human who will get her throat ripped out by a pissed off Edward who had his ego bruised. Where would the fun in that be? I will not spoil anything about her here though. XD