Chapter 3:

Looking to Impress

If I know anything about girls, it's that they have an unnatural infatuation for all things makeup related. If I know anything, I would tell you. I guess being rude works, and having muscles. But other than that I have absolutely no idea on how I could possibly accommodate a lady in my fine home. I already told you I was pretty socially inept, and that I like girls. This will end badly.

I called a house meeting to discuss plans on how to win the Girl's heart and live happily ever after or something. Wilson, the two lawfully wedded sheep (me being the pastor), whose names are Charlie and Mary, and finally, me. The guy who fell through his monitor into another world, and started his new life by getting attached to a grass block.

"I now hereby start this discussion." Hint: I can't be bothered to learn fancy words for discussions. "The topic today is 'The Girl and Why She is So Flipping Important.' By a show of hands, who does not approve of today's topic?" All of the board members were silent. "Good. Now, I have already made a bed for her, but I fear the house is too small. Therefore, you three will have to help me expand it for her. By a show of hands, who does not want to help?" Again, silence. I smiled. "Good. Court adjourned. We start work at noon."

By the looks of the sky, it was 11:00 right now. Also, the sky had very dark clouds. Not rain clouds, but snow clouds. I was freezing to death right now. I would estimate the temperature at 60 right now.

Besides the fact that I am busy freezing to death, I had all of my basic facilities in my small hovel. I had my furnace, workbench, chests, and the two beds right there looking all fancy. I liked my hovel. It just breathed niceness and warmth into the air. It was my protector, and it made sure I had a (somewhat) peaceful night, free from monster attacks. I think I'll name my house Dave. I like giving names to things. In fact, I named my pickaxe Chris, my hoe Courtney, and my shovel, Curtis. The axe is special. She's a real tomboy, just look at her. Look how majestic Charlotte is. I love my four tools. The C's. C's are love, C's are life.

Snapping back to reality, I find myself sitting outside on my fenced area with some rope I made from string. You don't have to stick to the crafting recipes, per se, but you had to do it by hand if it wasn't a traditional recipe in the game. The rope took ages to make, but the fusing was fine. I had myself a neat little rope, Jack, to lasso various things. Jack is a neat guy, but he won't keep secrets if you're doing anything wrong.

I need to socialize.

Wait, the Girl was coming today...right? What time is it? 11:30? I think I was created at noon, but I'm not sure. I hopped off my fence and walked over to the lake. I didn't see any squid monster pulling anyone out yet, but I didn't see a Girl. Shame.

Boredom quickly took over me. I took out some wooden planks and the rest of the string of the spider I caught doing naughty things to Mary. Tsk tsk tsk indeed, silly spider. I figured I would make a guitar and then- and once I knew how to build instruments- a piano. Making the guitar isn't all fun and games though. You gotta carve out the shape of the guitar and the hole where the sound comes from. I didn't have a pocket knife on me, but that would be pretty damn useful to have, right? Speaking of useful tools, I would probably need some goggles. I would need them to see underwater and find some caverns, but I'm not too prepared to spend a couple hours with my arch nemesis: glass.

Noon. It's time. I shivered a bit and rubbed my hands together. Chilly. Like, winter snow chilly. It's here.

BANG!

Another violent thunderbolt. I wasn't blinded this time, but the flash was so strong the fogginess of the entire lake was gone for several seconds afterwards. But, my eyes weren't looking for iron ore, it was at the giant behemoth of a squid this thing is. It reached into the source of the thunderbolt and grabbed something, and gently pulled out. The limp figure in it's tentacle grasp was hard to make out, but it was definitely a Girl alright. The Girl started waking up, and then immediately freaking out. Just like I did. Except, this time, the squid wouldn't let go.

I threw off my clothes, save my underwear, and grabbed my sword. Doing the best swimmer's dive I could, I dove until I felt the slimy skin of the squid. Opening my eyes let in the not-so-clean water, and burned my eyes. My lungs were starting to burn as well. I'm not the best swimmer on my team, to say the least.

The Girl looked at me with pleading eyes, eyes I could barely see, and motioned towards the arm before going limp again. I put the sword on the arm of the squid and grabbed his...forearm, I guess? Anyways, I started using the sword to saw on the arm as I would pancakes or steak. The arm came undone, and let the grasp of the Girl loose. The Girl started sinking with the arm, but Jack was here to give a nice tight knot on the arm and heave it with me. Me and my lack of oxygen.

My eyes started to blur and darken, and not in the fun way. I kicked and kicked until I reached the surface, and gasped for air. I pulled the arm and the Girl on the beach and sawed at anything that was still attached to the Girl. The Girl who wasn't breathing. My First Aid merit badge is finally going to come to use.

"One two three four." No bananas. I started doing compressions to the beat of Stayin' Alive, but after a couple verses, it was clear that the Girl isn't going to "stay alive" unless I did something drastic. Mouth to mouth. It wasn't drastic in the aftermath, but I flipped out about having to do it.

"One two three four BREATHE DAMMIT!" I cocked my head back and threw my head onto hers, breathing air into her. Something happened, I don't know what, but she vomited up the entirety of the water in her lungs into mine. It tasted like cherry lipgloss and seaweed. It was an interesting taste, but I was too busy choking it up to notice.

I eventually decided that I would like to lie down and cough up the rest of the water onto the ground. The very last bits of it, happened to be vomit bits that didn't resemble the fish I ate yesterday. Rather, it was more like frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts. Gross. She is going to have a lot more chores than she think she's getting to make this up.

More vomiting from the side of me. She gets to groom Wilson's hair now. Maybe even clean up after Charlie, or tend to Charlotte. Charlotte doesn't take care of herself that often.

It took us a while, but eventually we both stopped vomiting sea water long enough for us to look at each other. She was a sight for sore eyes, that's for sure. I'm not sure if her pretty looks would make up for the cherry lipgloss vomit I just ate today. But she was really cute though.

She had long flowing blond hair, which, at the time, was really wet and didn't look as great as it did hours later. She was relatively skinny, and had the bluest eyes you'd ever see in your lifetime. Her face just spoke, "White-knight me you bastard." I think I complied, but I've learned not to white-knight from previous experience.

She stared at me, shaking, dripping wet.

"Do, uh, do you need some towels or something?"

She slowly nodded.

"Haha. Don't worry, you're not the first to get raped by a squid. C'mon."

My charisma is infinite as it is unfounded. To further prove my point, she looked around in all directions, as if she was trying to find someone else, before slowly moving her head back to me, and nodding even slower this time.

Suddenly, it started to blizzard. From no snow to all snow, it quickly got bad, quickly fast.

I helped her up to her feet, and slowly shuffled back to the hut. Eventually, we got there, and she was blue and stone cold. I threw her (again) limp body on her special bed, and threw as many torches as I could on the inside of the house. I pushed the furnace next to her bed, threw in some logs I had from the log cabin incident, and lit some planks under it. She started turning pink, and the pinker she was, the more she moved, which was in the form of shivering.

I sheared the Sheeperson family and made some comforters to go over our beds, and threw it on top of her. She slowly pulled it over herself, and closed her eyes. The sun wasn't visible outside, but I gathered many hours passed. I took a couple steps outside, and found a pig a couple hundred meters outside my house. Taking hold of my sword, (named Dude), I slayed the pig and took its carcass back to homebase.

The Girl was now wide awake and sitting on the side of her bed, arms wrapped around herself. She only stared at me when I walked through the door, nothing else.

I chopped the pig up and threw it into the furnace, using the new charcoal as fuel. I laid back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, and waited for the pig to be done.

Once the pig was done, I threw its carcass on top of the furnace and cut out some porkchops. I made some bowls out of some planks and gave a bowl-full of porkchop to the Girl. She slowly fingered it and started to nibble on it, before engulfing the entire thing in one go.

"Hungry, huh?"

I swear, she jumped a foot or so at the sound of my voice. She located the sound, and nodded her head again. She made a drinking motion with her hands, and rested the bowl next to her on her bed.

"Oh, yeah. Water. I've been surviving on spider blood, long story."

She gave a terrible try at smiling and rested in her bed for a bit.

I attempted to push open the door, but it was locked shut with the sheer amount of snow blocking the door. I broke a plank next to the door and some snow fell into the house, probably enough to keep a parched family alive for a week.

I made some more bowls and collected the snow, then rested them on top of the still-hot furnace until it melted. I gave the Girl a bowl and one for me, and we slurped our water bowls until we fell asleep, porkchop and water in hand.