Marceline's Journal Entry #3
Dear Journal,
Yesterday, I invited Jake and Finn to go wolf chasing. Lately, I've started to notice that all I write is about them. At least I have some variety to tell today. Anyway, they arrived at my house a couple hours later than we had scheduled. Finn called it being "fashionably late." Nice.
We stopped by the forest behind my house, though in the middle of it Finn stopped and grabbed onto Jake's stretchy leg thing, almost making him fall.
"What was that for man?" he asked.
"Stop. You hear that?" Finn said. "It sounds like…LSP!" He ran over to whatever he had been listening to, though I seriously doubted it was anything. After all, who has the vampire hearing? Jake and I followed closely behind anyway. What? The poor kid might get hurt.
We pushed back the bushes and found LSP sitting on a log, roasting a can of beans, and talking to someone on the cell phone.
"Ugh! But you like don't understand. I mean like, Brad dumped her and now she's all like sad and depressed." LSP said to whoever was on the other end. "But he won't like-" She turned around and seemed to notice us for the first time. "I have to like call you back." She clamped her cell phone shut and glared at us. "Hey, what gives? I was like having a conversation over here. You're not going to like knock over my beans again, are you?" LSP hovered defensively over her can and I half expected her to start growling.
"Sorry LSP." Finn stepped forward. "We heard you. So is this where you live now?"
"Oh my glob, Finn. I'm just like camping," she replied.
Okay, let me get this clear. Firstly, I hadn't said anything because I was surprised Finn had been able to hear something when he was as deaf as a stone. Secondly, I hated trespassers. What was a soulless/bodiless gassy creature doing in my woods?
"Here? By my house?" I hissed.
"Whoa Finn. Who is this?" LSP pointed her fat finger thing at me. "Is she like supposed to be an emo chick?"
That's it. I lunged forward and grabbed her by her…head? Whatever that fat lump on her body was. I was just about to grab her until I heard her shrieks.
"Wait, no! Please. I have like a date this Saturday," she begged.
Finn ran over and grabbed my arm. "Marceline, don't kill her!"
"Yeah, like don't kill me! I'm way too hot to die."
I ignored her and prowled closer to her lump of a neck. For a second I hesitated, she smelled like a why-wolf that rolled in mud for three days straight. Even if I do eat the color red, that smell is just unappetizing.
"Marceline!" Finn yelled again. "Do not do, what I think you are about to do!"
"HESSSS" I growled, turning into monster Marceline. He screamed and ran back to Jake. I turned back to normal and gave an apology shrug. "Sorry dude. I can't help it. She called me emo." I turned back to LSP and hissed again.
She screamed and floated behind Finn. I rolled my eyes and said, "You deserve to die, but I'll guess I'll let you off this time because your friends with him. Well you got lucky this time, you hear?"
"Yeah, lucky you didn't kill us all," she muttered.
"But you do deserve this if nothing else." I eyed her cell phone murderously while she followed my gaze.
"No, no! My baby!" She screamed.
Yes folks, Marceline the Vampire Queen is skilled at the extreme sports of torture. LSP rushed over but it was too late. I grabbed it and held it over the fire. "No! Please! Kill me instead! How else am I suppose to tell my friends about Brad?" I raised the phone lower. "No! You monster!"
She scrambled towards my hand, but I swung it out of reach. She laid helplessly on the ground, only to watch her phone die. I smashed it as hard as I could and it literally exploded into a million pieces and the electricity dug a dent into the ground. If only those kinds could do that before the Mushroom War.
"That was…totally awesome!" Finn screamed into the night air. He pumped his fist up and Jake pounded it.
"Totally, man."
Meanwhile, LSP banged her head against the ground while moaning about her stupid phone. She sat like that for a couple more minutes before I couldn't take it anymore.
"Fine, I'll just buy you a new phone, god," I snapped.
The mood change was over as quick as it had started. LSP looked up and folded her arms against her chest. "You better. That was like my only phone because my lumping parents won't let me buy my own. You're coming with me to Lumpy Space." She grabbed my arm and half dragged me to a clearing. Finn and Jake tried their best to keep up, but honestly, a Lumpy Space Princess when she's mad is hard to follow.
LSP led me to a frog sitting on a log. Some satisfaction came to me when I realized it looked like her when she was roasting her can of beans from before. Anyway, a fly blew by and the frog snatched it up immediately. Other than that, it just stared at me like it was deaf. Suddenly it croaked, and LSP screamed, "Whatever, it's Two thousand nine!" Before I knew what was happening, it swallowed us whole. I mean literally opened its mouth and ate us. Strange things these lumpy people think of.
What I saw was an amazing row of purple lumpy cloud things floating by. Houses and some trees settled on top, and below was just an empty abyss.
"Nice place to live," I breathed.
LSP nodded quickly. "Yeah, this is like where I live."
"Mars lee. Can ooo ear e?" It sounded like it was coming from above, though it was only like an endless sky. Then, it hit me. Finn and Jake! They didn't what the password was, so they couldn't get in.
Feeling like an idiot, I yelled up, "Guys! I can hear you!" All of a sudden a portal opened and Finn's head popped up.
"Marceline!" he shouted. I could tell he had pried the frog's mouth open, because the hole was struggling. "I can't come in. It's not that big. But remember I-" The frog shut it's mouth and the portal closed. I heard faint grumbling over my head.
I looked back up and pondered what Finn was going to say. It couldn't have been something important, right? It was Finn after all.
"Marcie, you can leave like now. And they like can't hear you anymore. Keep moving. I want my phone, now!"
LSP pushed me from behind and I rolled my eyes. So much like lumpy space people to not be able to give some peace and quiet.
"Why did we stop?"
She pointed downward. "The Lumpy Space cell phone shop is like down there. But you have to like drive a car down there or else you'll just like fall down forever."
"I can float," I said and rose up to show her.
"Fine," she grumbled. "And hurry before they like close! I need my cell phone like today!"
She floated downward and impatiently dragged her with me. Just as we stopped in front of the door, the man behind the counter came forward and turned the open sign to close. "Closed? Oh my glob! Why does this always happen to me?" She pounded on the ground with her fist and the star on her forehead slightly dimmed. Finally she got up and walked to the glass door. "Listen you lumping lump. I need a cell phone pronto, and you are not going to stop me!"
The man on the other end stared. "I'm like sorry princess, but I can't just open it for you." He glanced and me and muttered, "Smoothie."
LSP completely snapped afterwards. She launched forward and smashed straight through the glass door. It shattered into pieces, but it still wasn't enough. "I need a lumping cell phone and you are going to lumping give it to me!" She jumped on top of the man and tackled him against the wall.
"Please get off me," he pleaded. "Help! Someone, help me!"
"Shut up!" yelled LSP and smacked him in the face. I couldn't help but laugh. Seeing Lumpy Space Princess beating up a defenseless man? Priceless. If only I had a video camera. "Get…off me or…I'll call the lumping police!" He struggled longer with her and LSP bit his arm.
"Not till you get me a lumping phone," she retorted viciously.
"Can't you wait until I open the shop tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" Her face turned red. Getting closer up to him, she grabbed his neck and bashed his head against the concrete floor. "I can't like wait for tomorrow! I got like people to call." From behind me, I heard a shrill whistle blow.
"LSP," I said urgently. "It's the cops."
She looked up finally and screamed. "Oh no! I will not go to the slammer today. Not without my cell phone!" She let go of the man and hid behind the counter. "If anyone like asks, I'm not here!"
"Freeze! You and your delinquent friend are surrounded," the lumpy space cop ordered. If you ask me though, he looked as if he eaten a bit too many donuts this time. I looked around and only saw his car. Paling a bit, he responded," You will be surrounded! Just…freeze!"
And for once a fat guy with an overgrown mustache was right. Half a second later, a dozen police officers came down from the clouds above us. They all shined their stupid car headlights at us. It was like one of those dumb cop movies when they catch the bandit. One even tried to grab my arm and handcuff me. Pushing him off, I twisted around and swiped my claws at him. All these lights were making me uneasy. I hissed and turned into my monster mode though right about then, that wasn't the best option. Suddenly something whizzed past my ear, and the cell phone guy crumpled to the ground.
"Sorry," a fat cop said. "I missed it."
I scowled at the inclination that I was just a wild animal waiting to be captured. I already had enough of that when my mom had died. I clenched my fist and almost launched at the guy until I felt a sharp pain in my arm. Gritting back the cry I wanted to yell, I crouched down and dug my fingers in the clouds. Don't even ask me how a stupid tranquilizer managed to knock me out. The next thing I knew, my eyelids closed and I fell forward.
~~~~~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up to the sound of screaming and pounding at metal.
"Let me out! I'm like not cut out for the slammer!" I heard LSP yell into the open air. "I also left my make up kit at home…" she muttered sadly. "Why does this always happen to me?"
I sat up slowly. The ground was hard concrete and my worse suspicions were just confirmed. I groaned and rubbed my eyes tiredly.
LSP glared daggers at me. "We are in jail! It's your entire fault! If you hadn't murdered my phone, we wouldn't have been in this mess."'
"Well if you hadn't been so snotty, I wouldn't have murdered you phone," I yelled back. Calm down Marceline, I told myself. Lumpy Space People, no matter how annoying, are not something you should get worked up over.
I looked back at her, expecting another angry look. Instead, she looked shocked. "Just a phone? It's not just any phone. It's my phone. How else am I supposed to tell anyone about my BFF's break up with Brad?" She broke down crying and gasped in between sobs, "This is all your fault. I'm stuck in lumping jail with you, of all people!"
I almost felt sorry for her. She was genuinely upset about her stupid little device. My sympathy turned to anger soon though. No one talks about me that way. "I don't want to be here either. You think I wanted to spend my night in jail? If either of us want to get out though, we are going to have to work together." That was all I could say instead of killing her.
She looked up after a while and frowned. "All right, but only if it means getting the lump out of here!"
I sighed in relief she hadn't exploded. "Agreed." I thought slowly until the perfect idea came up. LSP listened to it and nodded. It wasn't like she was one to think of plans though. I really doubted she paid much attention. Hopefully it would work.
I turned invisible and waited for LSP to play her part. Surprisingly, she shouted at the guards that I had left, as soon as I disappeared. Maybe she has a brain after all. A cop opened the cell and floated inside. I kicked the back of his head and he fell down. I smiled. Looks like Marceline still has it. Everything actually went according to plan, until LSP started digging in the dude's pocket.
"LSP! What are you doing?" I shouted. "We need to go. Now."
"I need a phone, like now," she hissed back.
For a second I felt a bit offended. Hissing was my thing. Not a fat lumpy fifteen year old's.
"Hold on while I check his coat pockets." It went on for ten minutes until she came up completely empty.
I rolled my eyes. Of course. The only thing cops kept were lint and that dumb blow darts they use to knock people out.
"I can't believe he doesn't have a cell phone. I mean, doesn't like everyone have one?"
"Can we just go now?" I grumbled. I was seriously thinking about leaving her behind by now. As if on cue, the guard moaned. I slapped my hand against my head. It was now or nothing. Grabbing the stupid princess, I flew out of the building, somehow not setting off any sirens.
"Where are we going?" LSP asked.
To be honest, I didn't really care by now. I just needed to get out of this crazy place.
"Wait! Over there! That's my house over there."
I obeyed her and turned right. A regular looking house came into view. Not exactly a place you'd expect a princess to live in. I mean, even Bubbles live in a castle. From the distance, I heard faint yelling. Well now or never. I burst through the door and sunk down. Lesson learned. Never fly with an overweight princess on your back.
"Come on. Let's go upstairs," LSP beckoned. "You can like rest on my bed or something."
For some reason, I think she only wanted me to follow her so she could show me her stuff. Just about then, a fat purple thing floated towards us. I guess it was LSP's dad or something.
"What's the meaning of coming here so early," it said. Turning around, I found myself face to face with two heads on one body. One male and one female. But if their connected, how did they make LSP?
"Your father's right," the womanly lumpy head said. "You aren't supposed to be back until noon."
I looked onto a clock hanging above the fireplace. 10:20 a.m. I guess time runs differently in this place.
"But since you here," the thing continued, "Your father and I heard about you breaking your cellphone."
"What!" LSP yelled. "How did you lumping find out?"
"It was in the papers," her dad replied. He held out a freshly printed-paper. On the cover, it showed LSP beating up the man at the counter. Only, I wasn't on it. "Look honey, you made it in the papers!" They actually seemed happy their daughter vandalized a shop and went to jail. Not to mention escaping. "So we got you…"
The handed her a yellow box with a red bow on top. LSP opened it eagerly. Inside was the same phone, identical to the one I broke.
"Oh my glob!" she gasped. She hugged it, like it was a person. "I like love you guys." She went up and hugged them tightly.
"Now that you got you phone, can I go now?" I asked impatiently. I'm not good with family love. It makes me sick.
"Yeah, you can like go now." She hugged her phone again. "Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh," she admired behind me. I smiled slightly. It was nice to see her happy. Even if she was a spoiled brat. Wait. What was I saying? Cross that out.
I shook my head and left Lumpy Space. Finn and Jake had already left the woods by then. Disappointed, a thought occurred to me. I still didn't know what Finn wanted to say back there. Maybe I should go to his tree and ask. I reached into my closet and pulled out my floppy sunflower hat. I looked ridiculous in it, but hey- I was in a hurry.
As I started over to the Tree Fort, in my mind I played over yesterday's events. I had gotten on Lumpy Space's most wanted list for "robbing" a cell phone store and breaking out of jail. All in a day's work. I think LSP, being a princess and all, got a scott-free.
I almost ran into the door to their tree. I knocked on it loudly. No answer. Inside, I could hear quiet whispering from Finn.
"I think it's the Ice King," he whispered. "That guy doesn't give up, does he? You go look."
I heard Jake whisperer/whine. "But I don't wanna. Why can't you?"
Before this would turn out into an all-out battle, I yelled up. "Hey guys. It's me."
"Don't fall for it man. It's obviously the Ice King dressing up like Marceline with a tape of her voice," Finn said. Idiots.
"Just open up guys," I complained. Nothing. "Guys, I'm going to count to three before I kick this door down."
Still quiet.
"One."
Silence.
"Two."
Still nothing.
"Three."
That did it. Those weenies were going to get was coming to them. I stomped against the ground in frustration and kicked the door open. A cloud of dust fogged up the empty room. Two pairs of tiny eyes popped up from behind their couch.
"It's Marceline!" Finn exclaimed. "I thought you were the Ice King."
Keeping my temper in, I gave a fake smile and said, " Oh. That's why you didn't answer.
"So, why are you here, Marceline?" Jake came out from under his hiding spot behind the couch and settled on a chair.
I began the story, from the beginning where we entered Lumpy Space to the end where I finally got out. Surprisingly, they didn't, except for a few, "Really?" and Awesomes!" and a whole lot of "COOL!"
"Anyway," I finished. "I never figured out what Finn was going to say. So I'd thought I'd come and ask you."
Finn pondered for a moment as if he were trying to remember. "Oh yeah!" He snapped his fingers. "Princess and I saw this zombie movie. The guy was all 'But remember, I…' before the zombies ate him. I thought I'd try it out for myself."
I stared at him blankly. This was so typical. Really. What did I expect? That he was going to say I love you, or something?
"Now that you know, you can leave. Bye. We're expecting the Ice King to show up soon."
Suddenly the wall exploded and the Ice King emerged from the dust. "Finn! Jake!" He yelled. His hands glowed blue and for a second he only focused on firing his ice powers on Finn and Jake. Suddenly he looked at me, and his face softened. "Who's this?" he flirted. "You're pretty. Are you a princess?"
First of all this old pervert was flirting with me. Next, I just find out that what I thought Finn was going to say was important, turned out to be not. I have the right to be a little mad about this whole situation, right?
"No," I replied angrily. "I'm a queen."
He blinked. "So, your married?"
"No! Just… step off!" I kicked him in the shin and he howled in pain.
"Yeah Marceline!" Finn cheered behind me
"Kick his butt!" Jake repeated.
"Well, I'm out of here." I said calmly as if the whole Ice King thing didn't happen. "Bye." They waved and I left. In the background, I could here glass breaking and Finn yell.
Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back. I'm going to bed now you worthless journal. Good night.