Ok so I'm at a bit of a stuck with this story on the 9th Chapter, read the end A/N to know how you can help me! I promise Ivyfern, I will finish this story even if it kills me!
Olivia was in pain when they arrived back at the precinct.
"Are you sure you don't want to go home, Cragen will understand." Elliot said as he helped her from the car.
"No and I don't want him or anyone else to know Elliot, it's none of their business. I want to solve this case and give Joseph some closure." Olivia said stubbornly.
"Liv. No one expects you to be alright..."
"Shut up Elliot I'm fine." Olivia stated as he helped her climb the steps to the precinct.
He helped her to her desk and she sat down and placed her head in her hands.
"Olivia." Cragen called from the doorway to his office. "A word." He said. Olivia struggled to her feet and headed over to the Captain's office.
"How are you?" He asked as she shut the door behind her.
"I'm fine thank you Captain." She said.
"I'm sorry you got hurt." He said nodding towards her head. Automatically her hand reached up to the small cut.
"It's nothing Cap. Honestly I'm fine." She smiled.
"Ok, well Casey wants your statement ready before they arraign Joseph Lloyd ..."
"Cap ..."
"Don't argue on this one Olivia, I know you don't want to prosecute but it's going to happen so don't sandbag the D.A office." Cragen spoke firmly.
"Fine when does she need it by?" Olivia asked.
"Close of play." Cragen said.
"Ok I'll have it ready can I go now?" Olivia asked.
"Yes go on." He said and Olivia left without another word.
She didn't go to her desk, instead she headed up the stairs and went into the cribs. She stood at the lockers and pressed her forehead to it. She couldn't stop herself crying anymore and as she sobbed she pulled her fist back and punched the metal lockers. She fell back onto the cot behind her and placed her head in her hands as she sobbed. Olivia didn't know how much noise the punch to the lockers had made but everyone in the precinct had heard it but Fin was the one who came up to see what was going on as Elliot had gone to work on the Alexander case.
"Olivia?" He asked seeing her sat on the edge of the cot. "Liv what is it baby girl?" He asked.
She said nothing but when he leaned down in front of her she wrapped her arms around his neck. He slipped his arms around her to comfort her. This was his friend. The person who had been like a sister to him for many years.
"Liv what's wrong." He asked as she began to pull away from him.
"Nothing." She said wiping her eyes.
"This isn't nothing." He said pulling her bleeding fist into his hand.
"It's nothing." She said firmer.
"I don't think Elliot will say it's nothing." Fin said getting to his feet and heading for the door.
"Fin don't." Olivia pleaded.
"Tell me what's wrong then baby girl, did you argue? What?" He asked desperately
"I err ... err ... This morning when ... when I was knocked to the ground ... I err ... I ..." Olivia began to cry again as Fin rushed to her side.
"What Liv?" He asked.
"It caused me to suffer a miscarriage." She said knowing she could tell the man she considered a brother.
"Oh baby girl." Fin said pulling Olivia into his arms. "I'm so sorry." He whispered.
"It's nothing I'm being silly." Olivia said trying to laugh.
"It's not nothing. Does Elliot know?" He asked.
"Yeah he was there when the nurse said, just err ... I didn't even ask him if he was ok." Olivia said feeling guilty. "I mean this has got to be eating him up Fin."
"Hey, he's a big boy. You on the other hand..." Fin said taking Olivia's bleeding hand into his own. "...You need a first aid kit." He smiled softly.
"Yeah I do." She sighed.
"Stay here I'll go and get one." He smiled before kissing her on her head and heading out of the door.
She looked down at her bloodied knuckles and realised that she had been stupid and this just seemed to make her angrier. When Fin returned with the first aid kit she said nothing. He cleaned her wounds and placed a bandage around her knuckles.
"Make a fist." He said and she did it without arguing. "And open."
"Done?" She asked as he began to close the first aid box.
"Yes and Cragen wants you in the office." Fin said. Olivia stared at him.
"Hey I didn't say anything to him as I was half way up the stairs he told me to tell you he wanted a word." Fin shrugged.
"Ok and keep it that way I don't want people thinking I can't do my job." Olivia said heading for the door.
"Ok baby girl." He said.
"Oh and Thanks Fin." She added.
"No problem." He smiled.
Xxx
She knocked on the office door and waited for the Captain to shout for her to come in. She took a deep breath as she opened the door and poked her head through.
"You wanted to see me Cap?" She asked a small, soft smile on her face.
"Yes, close the door Olivia." He said. Olivia did as she was told and realised that she was feeling nervous.
"What did you do?" He asked nodding his head towards her hand.
"Oh it's nothing." She said putting her hands behind her back.
"You didn't have it when I spoke to you earlier." He said softly.
"No." Olivia said shaking her head.
"Was it something I said?" He asked.
"No Cap, it's nothing honestly." She said avoiding his gaze.
"Olivia sit down." He said nodding to the chair opposite the desk. Olivia took a deep breath before taking the seat. She had no idea what this was about.
"Listen, you have plenty of sick days, why don't you take one and get your head together." Cragen said getting straight to the point.
"No Cap, I'm fine I don't need time off." Olivia said surprised at what he was asking her.
"Are you sure? I mean it's ok if you do." He said.
"Captain Do you know something I don't?" She asked not understanding what he was getting at.
"You were held at gunpoint this morning Olivia. It's ok if you're unsure of yourself, I mean, you're a mother now, it has to affect you more when you're in a life or death situation." Cragen sighed.
"No it doesn't and Captain I've been a mother nearly eight years, it's never stopped me or impaired my judgement you know that." Olivia said firmly.
"No that's true but the past eight years haven't been easy on you either Olivia, I don't think you've forgotten Craig's birth." Cragen explained.
"No I haven't but even that didn't stop me, I closed five open cases in six months after that. I'm fine." Olivia was fighting a burst of anger.
"Liv..." Cragen began but Olivia had jumped to her feet.
"Captain! I am FINE!" she yelled.
"You're clearly not!" He shouted back.
"There is something you're hiding from me. Start speaking." Olivia said leaning on the desk.
"I'm not hiding anything but you are not working till you've had a sit down with Huang." Cragen said firmly.
"I don't need a shrink." Olivia said.
"If you don't speak with him in the next hour Olivia I'm suspending you until you do speak with him." He said.
"Cap?" She asked in shock.
"If you see him now, it's off the record, make me suspend you and it has to go on the record Olivia it's your choice." He said not backing down from this argument.
"Oh fine!" She shouted through gritted teeth. "When should I see him?"
"He's waiting for you upstairs now." Cragen said and Olivia said nothing more. She stormed out of the office slamming the door behind her so the glass in the door shook. Cragen ran to the door as Olivia was heading up the stairs.
"I'm warning you Olivia." He said.
"Whatever." She muttered under her breath without stopping to acknowledge that he'd said anything.
When she arrived at the door to the room Huang was in she took a deep breath before going in. She barely acknowledged his hello and sat down on the couch opposite him.
"Hey Liv." He said.
"Hey." She replied viciously.
"How are you?" He asked notebook and pen at the ready.
"I thought this was off the record." Olivia said looking at his notebook.
"It is." Huang said. "I'm just writing everything down in case there's a reason I have to put anything on record." He explained.
"Oh so it's a case of anything I say can be used against me?" Olivia asked slyly.
"That's unfair Olivia." Huang said visibly hurt.
"Is it? I mean what I think is unfair that I either speak to you off the record now or on the record after getting suspended." Olivia hissed. "I didn't think you agreed with forcing people to speak with shrinks." She added.
"I don't I'm not the one who's forcing you to be here." Huang added.
"Well just so you know I am here against my will because getting suspended is not what I need right now." Olivia sighed sitting back on the sofa.
"So what do you need right now?" Huang asked.
"You waste no time." Olivia laughed.
"What do you mean?" Huang asked looking confused.
"I make a general comment and you find a question in that comment to start shrinking me. I had a bump to the head, that doesn't make me thick." Olivia bit. She wasn't in the mood for Huang's games nor anyone else's for that matter.
"I'm sorry Olivia, I'm just doing my job and if you want to avoid being suspended I'd recommend you just go with it." Huang explained. Olivia bit her lip and realised that he was right. She had to stop fighting him.
"Fine." She shrugged after a moment or two of silence had passed awkwardly between them.
"Ok so answer me my previous question, what do you need right now?" He asked.
Olivia just shrugged.
"Do you know what?" She got to her feet. "I need to not be here." Huang could only watch as she walked out of the room. Elliot watched as his wife came down the stairs but she barely looked at him as she grabbed her coat and files. He saw Huang at the top of the stairs and ran off after his wife.
"Liv! Olivia!" He yelled as he ran to her.
"What is it El?" She asked wiping her tears.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"I'm suspended." She replied.
"What? Why? Huang?" He asked.
"No, I don't know, I was called into the office and was told if I didn't speak with Huang I was suspended till I did." Olivia said.
"Liv, why didn't you just grin and bear it like we do every other time?" He asked not understanding what was going on in her mind.
"Because this isn't like every other time is it Elliot, every other time it's because of a case we're working. This time it's because the Captain thinks being held at gun point messed up my head." Olivia sighed. Elliot put his arms around her.
"Why don't you tell him Liv?" Elliot asked.
"Because ..." She put her head in his chest. "I don't even know how to deal with it myself." Olivia sobbed.
"Hey come on, we'll get through this." Elliot said as he held Olivia in a tight embrace.
"I know, I didn't think it mattered at first. I mean we have three beautiful kids already. I didn't think I'd want anymore." Olivia sighed.
"Do you want more?" He asked.
"I don't know, I mean if I found out I was pregnant then I wouldn't abort the pregnancy but I am happy the way we are." Olivia said. "It's just I don't know for how long I have the choice. A day is going to come when I'm not going to be able to have any more kids." She added.
"I know. Maybe we can talk about it when you're better." Elliot said.
"I miscarried, I'm not sick Elliot." She hissed.
"I know, sorry, it's just difficult I don't know how to help you." He said.
"Elliot! Let her go and get back to work unless you want to join her." Cragen called from the end of the corridor.
"Go. I'll be fine." Olivia said pulling away from her.
"Go talk to Huang Liv, it might help." Elliot said.
"Not now, I'm too pissed." She said.
"Fine, I'll call you later to check on you."
"Now Elliot!" Cragen called. Elliot quickly kissed his wife before heading back to his desk.
"Hey where's Liv going?" Fin asked as Elliot sat back down.
"Cragen suspended her ass." He said angrily.
"Why?" Munch asked joining in.
"Because she won't talk to Huang. Cap thinks being held at gunpoint has affected her too much." Elliot sighed.
"Liv isn't affected by things like that, she's been through worse." Munch said as Fin went to Elliot's side.
"Liv told me." Fin said.
Elliot just looked at him.
"She's not ok Elliot." He added.
"What do you mean Fin?" Elliot asked.
"Did you not see her bandaged fist? I heard a bang up in the cribs and went to see what it was; she'd punched the locker and cut her knuckles open. That's not like Liv." He explained.
"Yes, well if she told you why you know we're not exactly going through an easy time." Elliot said viciously.
"I know, but Cragen may have dealt with it in the wrong way but he was right to send her to speak with Huang." Fin sighed before walking off.
"Fin." Elliot said spinning his chair around. "Do you think I should go against Olivia's wishes and tell Cragen?" Elliot asked.
"I don't know, but she needs help Elliot. See if you can persuade her to see someone outside the force so that it is confidential and off the record." Fin suggested.
Elliot turned back to his desk and cupped his head in his hands. He had no idea what to do, he wanted to tell Cragen what was going on but he didn't know how Olivia would react if she found out. When he finally made his mind up he walked towards Cragen's office and knocked on the door.
"Come in." Cragen called.
Elliot went in and said nothing for a moment. He rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to figure out what to say.
"I'm not changing my mind Elliot, she can come back once she's spoken with a shrink." Cragen said firmly.
"Yeah about that ... err ... Captain the thing is ..." He broke off as the words just wouldn't form in his mind, he was starting to realise that it had affected him more than he first thought.
"What is it Elliot?" Cragen asked starting to worry.
"You see it isn't being held at gun point that's affected Olivia." He sighed. She would be so angry if she knew that Elliot was telling him.
"Then what is it? You two argued?" He asked thinking it was something silly.
"Not exactly." Elliot said going over to the seat Olivia had occupied less than an hour ago. He placed his head in his hands as he fought with himself about telling Cragen.
"Elliot, your worrying me, what is going on with the two of you?" Cragen asked.
"This morning ... at the hospital. Olivia fainted and had severe abdominal pain. After having her head cleaned up she got off the bed and it was ..." He took a deep breath remembering what he had seen.
"Elliot?" Cragen asked.
"The bed was covered in blood." He sighed. "They scanned her and told us both that she'd had a ... had ... had a miscarriage." Elliot cried. Don Cragen just stared in shock, he didn't know what to say, and he blamed himself.
"Elliot I'm sorry." Cragen whispered.
"Don't be, it's God's wishes." Elliot said.
"I know but it can't be easy. How far along was she?" he asked.
"About nine weeks the nurse reckoned and before you ask no, neither of us knew." He added thinking Cragen would blame Olivia for not telling them.
"I know that, you'd have told me if you did." Cragen said.
"I need ... I think ..." Elliot sighed.
"I want you to sit down with Huang." Cragen stated.
"What?" Elliot asked surprised.
"You heard." Cragen added.
"I did but ... Captain I'm fine, I'm not the person who just lost a baby." He said.
"It was your baby too. It may not have been growing inside of you Elliot but I can see that this is eating you up just as much as it was eating Olivia up."
"I..." Elliot began but Cragen put his hand up to stop him.
"Sit down with Huang or you can go home and join Olivia in suspension." Cragen said firmly.
"Fine. He still upstairs?" Elliot asked, he would be able to grin and bear it better than Olivia.
"Yes."
Elliot marched straight out of the office without another word. He didn't know what else to say to Cragen but he wasn't going to get suspended, he knew Olivia would calm down and soon be back by his side.
Meanwhile Don Cragen was grabbing his coat. He left his office and locked the door behind him.
"Cap?" Fin asked seeing Cragen walking away.
"I'll be back in a bit." He said and continued to walk away.
Xxx
"Hello Elliot." Huang said as Elliot took a seat.
"Hi." Elliot said.
"You had the same threat as Olivia?" Huang asked.
"Yes. Do you really think I'd come here of my own choice?" Elliot asked knowing how much disagreements he and Huang had in the past.
"Good point. So why don't you tell me what's going on with you and Olivia?" Huang smiled softly and Elliot found it intimidating.
"It's not my place to say. My wife wants it to be kept privet." Elliot said. Huang knew that Elliot was being truthful with that as he'd referred to Olivia as "My wife" rather than by her name. He didn't often do that.
"Ok then tell me what's going on with you." Huang suggested.
"I'm just ... I feel ... lost." Elliot sighed rubbing his forehead.
"Ok. Why do you feel so lost?" Huang asked and Elliot realised he couldn't explain without telling him what was going on with Olivia.
"I ..." he sighed angrily. "Olivia suffered a miscarriage as a result of Joseph Lloyd falling on her when the Captain shot him." Elliot said.
"Ok." Huang said.
"Ok?" Elliot asked. "It's not Ok."
"That makes you feel lost?" Huang asked.
"Yes. I mean, I believe it was God's wishes but I can't help but wonder what makes him want to do that. My baby is dead and I have no one to blame." Elliot cried.
"So your blaming God?" Huang asked.
"No, I ... Oh... I don't know. When I was telling the Captain ... I..." Elliot felt so guilty he couldn't say anything.
"What is it Elliot, I won't judge you." Huang said encouragingly.
"I was blaming him."
So Elliot blames Cragen, where's Cragen gone?
Anyway just wanted to ask would you actually like an investigation into the Lloyd/Alexander case or do you not give a crap about that give me some idea about where you'd like this story to go because I am STUCK.