A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. Muchly appriciated. In The End will be updated soon, i promise, i am just having the most chronic writers block ever. Sorry. If anyone has any ideas... PLEASE let me know. I'm all ears.
Warning... chapter is chock full of ANGST!! READ IT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! ANGST!!!!
Fair enough warning?
Then continue on...
As a child, Sara had always thought that if she were the perfect daughter, everything would be all right, her parents wouldn't fight anymore, and her father wouldn't hurt her anymore. But as she grew up, she found that no matter what grades she brought home, no matter how nice and polite she was, she couldn't change anything. So she promised herself she wouldn't try to be 'perfect' for anyone, because, in reality, being perfect didn't exist. If someone couldn't accept her for who she was, she couldn't really be bothered with them.
What she didn't expect was that person to be herself.
The weeks following her and Nick's fight became a constant inner battle for her. She still felt guilt that she couldn't give Nick what he most desperately wanted. And although he said it wasn't her fault, and that he was okay with it, she could tell that he wasn't really okay with it. It was the small things that told her.
When he spoke to her, there was something missing from his voice.
When he kissed her, it wasn't with the same passion he had held for her.
When she told him she loved it, he didn't respond with as much love as he usually did.
Something was gone from him.
And it was her fault.
She wasn't good enough for him anymore.
Oh, she didn't doubt that he still loved her. She knew he did. But she knew that it would be hard for him to continue to love her when she couldn't be perfect for him.
He would reach for her at night, desperate for her touch, and she wouldn't let him. She would shy away from him.
She didn't deserve his touch.
He deserved someone better than her. Someone who could give Nick what he deserved. What he wanted.
She loved him so much. And if he would be truly happier with someone else, then he should leave her. She would be crushed, but she would understand.
But he didn't leave her.
And she couldn't leave him. She just couldn't. She couldn't live the rest of her life knowing that she had let him go on her own free will. That she had passed the chance of love up.
It would be his decision.
As the weeks passed, she waited for him to leave her. Waiting for her doom, as such. But he didn't.
But she could feel them starting to drift apart. The children issue a solid barrier between their relationship that wouldn't budge.
And she felt herself slowly fall.
It was subtle at first. She became more miserable. Felt more and more guilty. It was her fault this was happening. Her fault Nick wasn't happy. Wasn't happy with her.
She wasn't perfect.
She started to spend more time at work, making excuse not to go home. It was just like the days before she and Nick got together. She started to pile on the overtime again.
It didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the team.
They knew about her and Nick's relationship. It had caused a few internal problems at first, but after that, the news was quite welcome. It had changed Nick and Sara for the better.
But now, Sara had returned to the lab full time. Over time. All the time.
Never spending any time with Nick.
Wouldn't it be better if she just died? Nick could find someone else, someone who could give him what he wanted, and he wouldn't be left with the guilt that he had left her. She would have left him, really.
And she wouldn't be alive to feel the pain.
Nick didn't really seem to notice anything wrong with Sara. Or maybe he did, and just chose to ignore it. Maybe he did notice but was too wrapped up in his own internal battle to do anything about it.
They were both suffering.
Days passed. Weeks. Nothing changed.
So she decided to do it.
They were both sleeping. Just gotten home from shift. Nick was curled up in bed, hugging Sara close to him. She let him, and as he slept, she planned what she needed to do.
What she needed to do for him.
She eventually slipped away from him. He groaned from the loss of contact.
She felt her heart spilt in half. She didn't want to do this.
But it was her only choice, wasn't it?
She leant down, brushing her lips over his forehead gently, as to not wake him. She couldn't wake him up. But his eyelids fluttered open, and she quickly pulled away. Immediately, his brown eyes filled with concern at the sight of her moist brown ones. He pulled her down on top of her, molding his lips to hers, and running his hands underneath her shirt.
Maybe she could loose herself in him one last time.
They kissed, touched, and loved each other, and after they had finished, they lay in bed, sweaty and sated. Nick reached for her again, his hand gently caressing her bare hip.
She had to do it now.
"I'm, uh, going to have a bath," she whispered. Nick smiled at her, leaning over to press his lips against hers. She swallowed unhappily.
She didn't want to do this.
But it was the only way.
Slipping on her bathrobe, she made her way out of the room. Opening the bathroom door, she slipped inside, locking it behind her.
She hoped Nick wouldn't notice. She never locked the door.
Her hands turned the knobs of the bath, the tub slowly beginning to fill with hot water. She took off the robe, and folded in neatly, placing it on the top of the toilet. When the bath filled enough, she turned it off.
She was trembling as she slipped into the water, her knees sticking out the top of the water, making her shiver despite the temperature of the liquid, which was burning her skin.
Leaning back, she dipped her hair into the water, letting the water burn her scalp. Coming back up, she ran her hands over her face, as the tears finally came.
She had to do this for Nick.
She lay in the bath for about half an hour, letting her quiet sobs fill the bathroom. Quiet enough so Nick couldn't hear her.
The sooner she did this, the better.
Her hands reached over and she grabbed the razor. With nimble fingers, she pulled it apart, and the razor blade fell into the tub. Her hand fell into the water, and her fingers scoured the bottom of the bath until she found it.
It was sharp, she could tell. Her finger was bleeding from when she had picked it up.
Very sharp.
Taking a deep breath, she pressed it to her wrist, the blade immediately slicing into her soft flesh. She let out a whimper of pain, and pressed it harder, dragging it across her wrist, until blood began dripping into the water, turning it a red color.
Tears still streaming down her face, she began to hack at her other wrist, until she began to loose consciousness. Her head lolled back against the cool ceramic of the bath, and she felt the life slowly drain out from her, the razor falling from her fingers and clinking against the tiles of the bathroom.
Felt her unhappiness drain from her.
Nick would be happier now.
In the back of her mind, she heard a loud banging, but as she finally took notice of it, her eyes drifted closed, and she drifted into unconsciousness.
Just as Nick barged into the room.
Oh No!!!!!!!!!!
AHHH!!!
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