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Chapter 3: Drowning Innocent Rocks
The rain cloud had resettled itself over my parents heads and casted a looming darkness over the entire house. Mom locked herself in her bedroom and cried for five hours straight. Dad wasn't much better. He just sat there at the kitchen table, staring out the window. Even Jay was just playing quietly in his room. I tried not to let things like this get me down, but when everyone else is making a big deal about it and acting like it was the end of the world, it was hard to keep my head. I tried watching TV, but there weren't any good channels because my dad hadn't gotten Verizon or Comcast yet. Reading wasn't an option because the silence was ringing in my ears, making it hard to concentrate. I started fidgeting. I hated sitting still. Jumping to my feet from frustration, I marched over to my dad. I positioned my face so he was looking me directly in the eyes.
"I'm going for a walk. It's 54 degrees. I'll wear a jacket," I informed him.
I backed away, hoping he would just let me go. I hated being smothered. Grabbing my jacket from the coat hanger, I sprinted out the backdoor and just ran through the woods. Adrenaline pumped through me and I pushed myself to run harder, knowing soon I'd be too weak to even walk two steps. I didn't stop I came to an obstacle in my path. It was getting colder and I couldn't swim, I was not stupid enough to try and get across a river. Instead, I pulled my puffy blue jacket tighter around my body and sat down, curling my knees up to my chest.
The roles in my family were currently reversed. Shouldn't I be the one locking myself in my room and crying my eyes out? Why did I have to be the one to comfort my brother when my parents told him my cancer's back? Why do I have to be the one pretending everything's okay? I'm the one that's going to be vomiting my guts out for the next six months and getting giant needles stuck into my hips. Who's going to lose their hair? Not mom or dad! Me! So why is it okay for them to pretend the world was ending and I had to be all lollipops and rainbows? Anger coursed through me and I stood up, chucking a rock into the water. Well that felt nice. I picked up another one and thrust my arm forward, releasing the anger built up in my stomach. I let out a satisfying scream with the next rock I threw. Maybe I was going crazy, but right now I didn't care. I just needed relief from all these built up feelings. Despite the cold autumn air, I was sweating and my heart was pounding out of my chest.
"It's not FAIR!" I yelled to no one in particular, throwing the rock with all the strength I could manage.
After another satisfying scream and a very large rock plummeting into the river, I looked up at the sky. It started to rain and I sighed loudly, "Why do you hate me?" I whispered.
"WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" I screamed again, chucking one last rock into the water and then shoving my ice cold hands into my pockets, shivering. The freezing rain left droplets on my face and I didn't bother wiping them off. Only when I turned back to the woods did I realize I didn't know how to get back home. I groaned loudly and plopped down on the ground, wrapping my arms around my legs. I buried my face in my knees.
"Just let me die," I whispered.
"I would never let that happen," a voice said from behind. I jumped so high that when I landed, my butt throbbed painfully.
"Ouch holy shiz!" I yelled, rubbing my butt painfully.
I stood up and saw the creeper leaning against a tree. I recognized him immediately as Seth, the guy I met at the hospital earlier. What the hell was he doing in the middle of the woods and more importantly, how much had he seen?
"H-how long have you been standing there?" I asked, crossing my arms.
He shrugged, "Long enough. What's the matter?" he asked softly.
"Nothing," I grumbled.
"Oh really? Nothing? Because it seems to me like you just drowned about twenty innocent rocks," he teased, but the curiosity was burning in his face.
I rolled my eyes, but shivered from the cold. Chills ran up and down my arms and I suddenly wished I had remembered a scarf… and a space heater.
"You're cold," he stated.
"W-what makes you say that?" I asked sarcastically, my teeth chattering.
He chuckled lightly and took a step closer to me, "So were you just gonna stay out here all day, or are you planning to go back?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, it's pretty peaceful out here."
"You don't know how to get back, do you?"
"Not a bit," I said boldly.
"Do you want help?" he asked softly.
"No I do not want help!" I said, putting my hands on my hips, "I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own!"
He put his hands up in defense, "Sorry, just offering."
I sighed dramatically and made my way back into the woods, wandering aimlessly in any direction I felt like. The sound of leaves and twigs being crunched told me Seth was following me, but I did not want his help. I was so tired of everyone feeling sorry for me! I wanted to be independent for once in my life. And so I walked further, stepping over logs and ducking under branches. The trees created a nice canopy from the rain so at least I wasn't cold and wet. I walked until my legs felt like jelly. Everywhere I turned was trees, trees and more trees. I stood there shivering and looking around, trying to decide which direction to aimlessly wander in next. I knew I was a fool, but I was a stubborn fool.
"So I know you want to find your own way home alone, but your legs look pretty tired. Would you like a ride?" he asked, bending down so I could get on his back.
I took a minute to consider it. I wasn't usually accustomed to accepting rides from strange guys in the woods, but he was very tall and, being the short little thing I was, I had never had that great of a view. And so, I chose the obvious choice.
"Hells yes!" I yelled, jumping on his back.
He barked a laugh and then took off running in the opposite direction I had been walking. (Further humiliated). And man he was fast. Maybe he was a professional runner and that's why he was so buff. It took me a couple of seconds to realize why my shivers were subdued. Seth was hot! Not like sexy hot… well yes sexy hot… but I don't mean it like that! When I say hot, I mean like 108 degrees! I began to panic because if he's sick with a fever, I would get sick. I mean, sicker than I already was.
"Seth, d-do you have a fever or something?" I whispered.
He seemed startled and then laughed, "Nope. I'm just naturally warm."
I sighed in relief and rested my head on his shoulder, inhaling deeply. His scent was calming, believe it or not. It was like cinnamon, pine trees, grass, maybe a hint of cologne. It was quiet for a while, with nothing but the sound of the leaves crunching under his feet.
"So is Chrissie short for… Christina?" he asked, breaking the silence.
"No, it's short for Christopherina," I said sarcastically.
"Really?" he was completely serious.
"No. It's Christina."
"Oh… and you're…"
"Fifteen," I said.
"Cool, I'm sixteen," he said proudly.
"Well pin a rose on your nose," I mumbled.
"I think I will thanks. Do did you just move to Forks?"
"Yep, pulled in the driveway for the first time this morning," I explained, sighing.
"And you're not happy?"
Was I happy? Probably not, but I wasn't going to tell this to Seth. I wasn't planning on telling Seth anything. Or if he thought something was weird about me, I'd just tell him I was a secret agent spy. Yeah, that's a good one! A secret agent spy.
"I am happy," I tried to sound convincing. Key word: tried.
"And what were you doing at the hospital this morning?" No way. We're not going there.
"What's with the twenty questions huh?" I asked, "Don't I get a turn?"
"Go ahead, ask me anything."
"What were you doing at the hospital this morning?"
"A friend of mine was having a baby," he said casually.
"Aww! That's so cute!" I cried, "Boy or girl?"
"Boy," he laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"Your reaction!" he laughed again.
"It's not that fun-"
"Christina Marie Hope!" my mom's voice cut me off.
I came out of the bubble Seth and I had been in. How did I not notice we were in my backyard? It was like it was just him and me, nobody else. Seth let me hop off his back and mom attacked me with a giant, fluffy blanket.
"Do you know how worried I was?" she yelled, "What happens if you catch a cold, huh? Just this morning the doc-"
"I'm sorry mom!" I said loudly, cutting her off.
She studied me for a moment, and then her accusing blue eyes went to Seth. He was looking at me with concern. I didn't want him to know I had cancer. I didn't want anyone to know, because then suddenly they would feel sorry for me. Of course, I'd get encouraging smiles and people made more of an effort to be my friend, but it was all because they felt sorry for me. Like they were just being nice so they could feel good about themselves when I died.
"Young man, were you the one that kept my daughter out in the cold?" she asked. Young man? Since when did mom get all formal?
I answered before Seth could say something stupid, "No mom. I got lost and he was the one who helped me get back."
Mom looked defeated, "Oh… well thank you."
"It was no problem," he promised, flashing her a smile that could be considered extremely charming.
"So you're a friend of Chrissie's?" she pushed.
"I really hope so," he admitted, winking at me. Wow, that was even better than Zac Effron's wink in Hairspray. Don't drool don't drool don't drool!
"Well thank you again for getting Chrissie home safely. Goodbye now," mom finished, pulling me into the house and utterly embarrassing me for the rest of eternity.
"76… 77… 78… 79… 80 YES… 81… 82-"
"Chrissie, what are you doing?" dad asked, making me loose count.
"I was trying to see how many times I can throw this ball in the air and catch it," I said, sighing loudly. Looks like I'm gonna have to start all over.
"Um, why?"
"Because I have nothing else to do," I mumbled, shrugging.
Hospital waiting rooms are soo boring! I've already read every People Magazine and all the Bobby Goes to the Doctor books. I will not resort to playing with the toys. Dad would never let me live that one down. No matter how colorful and shiny they looked.
I've had so many bone marrow aspirations in my life. We know I have an abnormal blood count and we know I have Leukemia. Dr. Cullen just wants to redo all my tests so he can "make sure" they're up to date. I just think he likes torturing me. At least my chemo doesn't start until next week. I get to keep my precious hair for a little while longer. A bone marrow aspiration is pretty much this: they stick a long ass needle into my hip so they can draw bone marrow and see the extent of my cancer. I admit, it hurts. A lot. Like I'm being punched in the hip over and over and over.
A big boob nurse with fake nails and unnaturally orange skin gave me a blue medical gown to wear. Mom and dad held my hand while I waited to be shipped off to the operating room. I know what to expect so I'm not nervous. The only reason my parents are nervous is to find out the outcome.
The first time I had a bone marrow aspiration was when I was four. This is one of the earliest memories I have. And I can remember it almost perfectly. Some things just leave a mark on your brain, this happened to be one of them. I remember singing The Campfire Song song in the waiting room, happy that I didn't have to be in school. My parents told me moments before I went into surgery what was going to happen. They told me it would hurt and that I would have to be still. I cried, I kicked, I think I even bit a nurse. She deserved it, though; trying to restrain me and all. Dad told me not to look at what was going on, that it would only make it hurt more. But, being the defiant child I was, I looked. When I saw the needle, I screamed. I don't remember the pain as much as the fear. And how freaked out I was. I didn't let my parents touch me for a week.
Even now, as I try not to wince while the needle is inserted into my bone, I recall that memory. I don't scream anymore, at least not where people can hear me, I don't cry. I accept it. I accepted it a long time ago; just go along for the ride. Play it by ear. Cross those bridges when you get to them. That, my friend, is the depressing and inconvenient truth.
I shifted my weight from one buttock to the next, wincing. Pressing the ice pack harder to my side, I flipped through the channels on the flat screen. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What's the point of having a flat screen TV if there's nothing nothing nothing to watch?At least I had this nice ceiling to stare at. That could rescue me from my boredom! I huffed. Stupid boring ceiling. Stupid boring television. Stupid boring injury! Stupid boring-
Knock knock knock.
Hallelujah! I pushed myself off the couch and limped to the door, "I'll get it!" I yelled to anyone listening. Mom was too preoccupied with her computer to get the door. Dad was shopping for food. Jay never got off his lazy but. Yep, I think I would have gotten the door whether I wanted to or not.
"Hope residence," I sang, swinging the door open.
"Chrissie!" Seth gasped, beaming so wide I counted twenty-eight teeth.
"Hey Seth," I greeted, moving aside so he could come into our humble abode. I sure hope he liked the sock decorations on the floor and the overflowing trashcan in the corner. And let's not forget the yet to be unpacked boxes currently being used as side tables. He's sure to love that!
My internal rambling turned out to be useless as Seth didn't even give the living room a second glance. He just kept staring at my face and smiling. I would have said awkward, but I learned a long time ago that things are only awkward if you make them awkward. Seth shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. Well, looked who just made things awkward.
"Can I get you anything?" I asked. As rude as this sounds, I was hoping he'd say no. My hip was throbbing and I just wanted to sit down with my trusty icepack.
"No, I'm fine," PRAISE THE LORD, "Actually, I was wondering if you'd er… wanted to hang out today?"
Never in a million years would I believe someone would direct those words to me. If I hadn't seen Seth's lips move, I would have thought it was just my mind toying with me again. People didn't ask me to hang out, they just didn't. I think my last "play date" had been when I was six. And my mom set it up for me.
Keep it cool Chrissie, keep it cool, "Mm, maybe I can fit you into my very busy schedule," I muttered, looking at my fingernails and trying to block his view of my icepack and giant bowl of popcorn sitting on the couch, "Let me go check."
I smiled at him and then went in search for my mother, trying not to limp. It hurt to walk, but if it meant I would actually be hanging out with someone, I think I could bare it.
"Moooooom," I sang, "This guys Seth wants to hang out with me today and he's really sweet and nice and funny and I really really wanna go! And I promise if you say yes I'll love you forever for the rest of eternity and I'll never complain about doing the dishes and Jay can have the last Popsicle next time we almost run out!"
Mom sighed and turned to me slowly. Ugh, here comes the mom speech, "Chrissie, it's not that I don't trust you, because I do. I'm just worried. What if something happens to you? Does this boy even know that you have-"
"I promise I'll call you if anything happens! I have Dr. Cullen's number on speed dial! Just please, please, please let me go!" I begged, giving her my puppy dog eyes.
She was quiet for a minute, "How's your hip?"
"Fine, it doesn't hurt at all. I could run a mile!" I exclaimed.
"Well… Ugh okay fine. But you have to promise to call if anything and I mean anything happens. Even a nosebleed or a pain in your stomach or-"
"I promise! Thank you thank you thank you!" I squealed, hugging her.
I pulled back quickly and drew in a quick breath when my hip hit the corner of her nightstand, but managed to pass it off as a snake imitation… I think. I was out of that room before mom could have second thoughts.
"My calendar says I'm free for the day. So, what do you want to do?"