Author's Note: Should I be working on the next chapter of "Riku and Sora Make a Porno" right now? Yeah, I probably should be. But writer's block is a BITCH. Plus, this story was just crying to be written, and I want to celebrate having FINALLY beat "Kingdom Hearts RE: Chain of Memories," (yeah!) so I'll indulge my obsession with one-shots and crack pairings a little further and write it.

This is "Blink's" first yaoi pairing! As they say in France…Youpi! (I think that means "hooray," but I'm not sure.)

NOTES: There will be some "Final Fantasy VII" references in this story, but you guys are smart enough to pick those up. If you don't understand anything, just PM me and I'll answer your questions. It's implied in-game that Cloud and Sephiroth are not from Hollow Bastion/Radiant Garden, so I'm going to assume they're from Midgar and run with that for this Fic. This story takes place during "Kingdom Hearts," anytime when Sora isn't at the Olympic Coliseum.

DEDICATION: This one's for Dlbn, because she rawks. She works really hard on her stories too, and it shows. Dlbn-chan, this story is probably the crackiest thing I've ever written, and I hope you enjoy it.

DISCLAIMER: Square Enix, Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney, Inc. pwn all, I own nothing.

WARNING: This story is dark. As in, something bad happens to a Disney character dark. (Hey, not all crack pairings are cute.) So I would suggest not showing this story to any young children who might be in your house, because they will tell your parents you're reading some crazy Internet shit and you will get in trouble. ;)

Reviews and constructive criticism are love. Flames are not.

All right, let's do this!

PAIRING: SephirothxHades

Soulless

"I told ya, you're not gettin' in!" The short, fat satyr cowers behind a thick stone column in the lobby of the Olympic Coliseum. He sticks his short head out from behind the column to see if his unwanted visitor is still there, squinty eyes peering across the tiny lobby around a thick, bulbous nose.

Said unwanted visitor is glaring at him with cold, unfeeling green eyes. His silver hair falls down to his waist, and he's dressed entirely in black leather. On top of all that, he has a single, large, black-feathered wing stretching up out of his back, the tips of which are brushing the Coliseum lobby ceiling. His hand is fingering a sword strapped to his back in a threatening manner.

The satyr has seen a lot of things in his time running the Olympic Coliseum games, but he's never seen anything like this man. Not being a brave hero like those who often visit the Coliseum, he has no way of handling the newcomer.

"You will allow me entrance to your games," the stranger deadpans, in a voice as cold as his eyes. "Or…" He removes the sword from his back, a long, thin blade that's easily seven feet long. In another time and place, it was known as the Masamune, and people only dared to whisper the name at night, safe in their warm, cozy houses. Even then, they would go pale and stuttering from fear.

The silver-haired man levels Masamune at the satyr, who yelps and hides behind the column again. He can feel the goat-man trembling, and allows himself a tiny smirk.

Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel, loves it when people fear him-loves the thrill it sends down his spine, the rush of power.

"H-Herc!" The satyr yells. "Get out here! We got a problem!"

A tall, muscular man rushes into the lobby. "What's going on, Phil?" He asks, in a very heroic and brave voice. He's wearing an extremely short brown toga that shows off a lot of leg, and Sephiroth thinks anyone wearing something like that can't be entirely straight. His hair is reddish-brown and rather curly, ending at the nape of his neck, and is held back with a headband. The eyes are a bright baby blue, and Sephiroth is sure this man's not the hero the satyr thinks him to be. He's too innocent.

"That guy!" A short, trembling arm reaches out from behind Phil's hiding place, and waves in Sephiroth's general direction. "He wanted in to the games, but he didn't have a ticket. So I told him no entry without a ticket, but he wouldn't leave!"

"Are you bothering my friend here?" The Hero narrows his eyes at Sephiroth, and his hand moves to the short broadsword at his side. "I'm afraid you're going to have to leave now, sir."

Sephiroth wonders if he should simply kill them and enter the games anyway. He knows Cloud is in there, he can feel him, and he wants so desperately to end the spiky-headed blond's existence once and for all. Cloud has been a nuisance to him for too long. He wants to hear the boy scream as he stabs him with Masamune, over and over again.

But killing this "hero," while it won't take too much of Sephiroth's time, wouldn't be as easy as the silver-haired man wants it to be. Sephiroth can see he's strong. And Cloud has nearly killed him before, so Sephiroth knows it would be taking too much of a risk to be at anything less than full strength when they finally do battle.

So Sephiroth sheaths his blade and walks out without another word, determined to find another way in. Phil and his friend watch him leave, Phil breathing a deep sigh of relief as the lobby door slams shut. Sephiroth is, of course, on the wrong side of it.

He walks out into the center of the courtyard outside the Coliseum. On the outside he's perfectly calm, but inside he's seething. He has to find a way in! Sephiroth can almost feel Cloud Strife's dead body, skewered perfectly across Masamune. His spiky blond locks would be stained scarlet with his own blood. His eyes, colored that eerie shade of blue from years of dangerous exposure to high levels of mako, would be wide open in shock and disbelief at his death-

"The old goat won't let you in to the games, eh?"

Sephiroth whirls around, his black trench coat flapping out behind him. In less than a second Masamune is in his hand, gleaming hard silver in the bright Olympic sunlight. When he sees who the speaker is he relaxes his stance slightly, but his eyes are narrowed and harder than ever. "Hades," he says. Although Sephiroth's tone of voice doesn't change at all, one can tell he isn't happy to see the God of the Underworld.

Not that Hades is making any attempt to hide who he is this time. He's here in his true form, blue-gray skin and all. His mouth is twisted up into a sadistic sneer, showing every one of his sharp fangs, and his yellow eyes practically shine with delight at seeing Sephiroth. Not to mention, his hair is a burst of bright blue flames.

Sephiroth is secretly glad that his black toga goes down past his feet and covers everything.

"It's been awhile since I saw you last, Sephy," Hades continues as if Sephiroth hasn't spoken, beginning to slowly pace across the courtyard. "It's been, what? Three years since you escaped my Underworld and rejoined the land of the living?"

Sephiroth knows that Hades knows exactly how long its been since he's gotten out of that hell, and he's not in the mood for mind games. "What do you want?" He nearly growls out of anger.

"It's not about what I want, kiddo," Sephiroth knows that smirk too well, and isn't at all fooled. "It's about what YOU want. And you want into those games so you can kill Strife, right?"

"…Go on."

"Well, have I got a deal for you then!" Hades' grin is so wide that Sephiroth is surprised his face isn't split right in two. "I got one of the goat's passes that'll get you into the Coliseum pronto, no questions asked."

But Sephiroth has spent too long in the hateful god's company, and knows how he works. "You want something in return for this." His eyes are green slits now. "What?"

"Hey hey hey!" Hades puts his hands up in a placating gesture. "What makes you think I wanted something at all? It wounds me, Sephy, how little you trust me."

"Cut the crap, Hades."

"Well, since you asked…" Hades looks like a kid in a candy store, about to get a treat he really wants. "I'll give you the pass if you give me a kiss."

Sephiroth can't believe Hades' audacity. The nerve of him, to ask for something like that! …And just like that, a plan forms in the silver-haired man's mind.

"It's just a kiss. What better deal could there be?" Hades holds out his hand, and in a puff of black smoke a scrap of purple paper appears. He dangles it before Sephiroth, and that smirk is back on his face. "What, are you scared of kissing me?"

"I'll do it," says Sephiroth, and he walks forward and grasps the God of the Underworld around the waist. His skin is surprisingly warm, despite its ashy pallor. Then he leans forward and kisses him, right on the mouth.

Hades gasps slightly, probably from the speed at which Sephiroth is doing this, and Sephiroth takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into the god's mouth, tracing slowly up and down each of his sharp teeth. Hades tastes like hot iron, stinging and smoky and burning, a metallic flavor on everything. It almost makes Sephiroth's eyes water.

Hades appears to gain back some of his bravado, and he kisses Sephiroth back, his thin lips sucking hard. His long black tongue slips into Sephiroth's mouth, lapping at the back of his throat…

…And it's then Hades discovers that Sephiroth tastes like blood, hot and wet and sticky.

The god draws back, abruptly breaking off the kiss. His eyes are wide with shock. "What…?" He whispers.

Then he feels a sharp, piercing pain in his gut, bad enough to make him scream. Falling to his knees, he looks down and sees the blade of Masamune sticking straight through him, turning the great God of the Underworld into some sort of grotesque shish kebob.

Sephiroth, gripping the sword's hilt with a sadistic grin, thrusts it forward another few inches. This earns him another shriek from Hades, and he leans forward, his silver hair falling around the two like a curtain. His eyes are shining with a mad light.

"Foolish Hades," he whispers. "You steal the souls of mortals by kissing them, don't you? And you couldn't stand it that anyone had ever escaped from your precious Underworld. So you tracked me down and tried to steal my soul again, to drag me back down there, kicking and screaming.

"But you forgot one thing." Sephiroth leans into Hades' ear. The flames of the god's hair are singing his lips, but he doesn't even feel it, he's so consumed by the adrenaline rush that comes from a kill. "I have no soul. How can any one realm, whether it be Heaven, Hell, or Earth, permanently hold a being without a soul?"

Hades' eyes are practically bursting from his skull. He gasps and coughs, but words seem to have eluded him at the moment. Sephiroth leans over to Hades' hand, where the pass to get into the Olympic Games is crushed in the god's long fingers. The silver-haired man pries open Hades' hand and smooths out the pass, tucking it carefully away in a pocket of his black leather pants.

Black goo is starting to run from Hades like lava, steaming and burning little holes in the dirt where it touches. Sephiroth watches dispassionately as Hades' skin burns red and his hair erupts into a blazing inferno.

"NO! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!" The god cries, as he sinks deep into the earth. The Underworld appears to be sucking him in so that he can regain his strength. Sephiroth can see the fiery blaze of Hades' hellish realm far below. "I CAN'T HAVE BEEN DEFEATED BY…BY YOU! YOU TRICKED ME! ME! YOU BASTARD! NO! NONONONONONONO!!!!!"

Then the earth closes over him, leaving only Masamune. Sephiroth picks up his sword and sheaths it. "Let that be a lesson to you," he murmurs to the spot where Hades vanished.

Then he walks back into the Coliseum, all the while thinking of new ways to decorate the Masamune with Cloud's blood.

Author's Note: This story was the product of a peculiar mind, just remember that. I know most of you are probably thinking "WTF?" right now, but hey, it's crack. If you're interested, the idea for this story came when I was wondering how the other competitors in the Olympic Coliseum Games got in in "Kingdom Hearts." I mean, Sora couldn't get in, and he's a hero. The rest were all Heartless! So this is my version of how Sephiroth got in. I was also wondering why he's in the "Kingdom Hearts" games when Cloud killed him in FF VII. And since Hades is Lord of the Underworld...the rest of the Fic just followed after that.

I do poke fun at Hercules' sexuality a bit, but he actually might have been gay or bisexual had he really existed in ancient Greece or Rome. The ancient Greeks were really into "experimentation" with different sexes, as can be seen in their myths. And as for the Romans, only one of their many emperors was completely heterosexual. The others were all bi, and used their power to indulge that.

In other words, take a yaoi fangirl with some knowledge of ancient history and a guy in a super-short toga, and you've got some weird crack. :)

Writing Hades was really fun. ^_^ I might write him more often now.

I love reviews. Please send me one, because it will make me happy. And if this story made you happy, then you should return the favor, right? If you didn't like the story, please tell me why. But there's a line between criticizing and flaming. Don't flame me, I have no time or patience.

REVIEW CORNER Thanks for Reviewing:

Denygo

moon maiden of time

Kaycee

NEXT PAIRING: CloudxKairi

Until next time-

YukaiChick