Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. I'm just temporarily borrowing with absolutely no monetary gain.
Author's Note: I appreciate the reviews so far. They make me happy. Just so you know, this is the third of about six parts I have already prepared. Which means, I'm going to have to start writing some new material very, very soon. That said, I am always welcome to suggestions from the Peanut Gallery. However, don't let that deceive you. There are some very good ideas currently being formulated.
Chapter 3 – part 3
Elizabeth shook her head when both Rodney and John came limping out of the infirmary. A-1 was on medical leave until both were healed. Putting a hand on Clifford's back, she turned to Ronan and Teyla. "They never learn, do they?" Both shook their heads, smiling faintly.
70. Blowing up a sun is fine. Blowing up a solar system is way cooler.
There had been some speculation as to who was smarter: Samantha Carter or Rodney. In all fairness, Elizabeth thought blowing up a solar system pretty much on his own was way cooler than blowing up a sun with help.
71. The Ancients weren't perfect.
A. Even they made mistakes.
Lab in a volcano. Danger signs were everywhere.
72. The Medical Staff is not allowed to invent games using their supplies.
A. We need them!
B. Only if it is a cool game can it be played, but come to Dr. Weir first for permission.
Now the Medical Staff was making up games too! Then again, the Gurney Games, which parodied the Olympics, had been a big hit. On the plus side, no one had been injured, either.
73. Shit happens. Get over it.
Rule of thumb in their galaxy. It helped everyone deal with the hard times and stop from going completely insane.
74. When on off-world missions, please don't sing 'A Pirates' Life for Me.'
A. Or 'Knights of the Round Table.'
B. Or 'The Song That Never Ends.'
C. Or 'The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves.'
D. We now have a list of prohibited songs.It's in the commissary. Read it.
A-10 was at it again. Soon every team had adopted singing very annoying songs. After the tenth team had come running back through the gate under fire, Elizabeth had to put a stop to it.
75. The words "I'm fine" are never to be uttered.
A. Don't make Carson cry.
B. Again.
John was horrible. Then again, so was Ronan. When either had so much uttered the words when injured, Carson looked as if he could cry . . . or injure them further.
76. This is not Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
No one wanted to know why A-4 had said it. But now they had to bring the precious chocolate to M72-110 Elizabeth was annoyed. And so was the rest of the base.
77. Gambling off-world is hereby prohibited.
Well, Captain Dyson now had a husband. She and said husband fortunately were very much in love and had recently celebrated their first month of happy and blissful marriage.
78. Any personnel from 'Year One' know what they're talking about.
A. Even if they're ranked lower than you.
B. Or a civilian.
C. They went through hell.
D. Listen to them.
A hotshot newbie major got upset what a recently promoted captain from year one corrected him. The rest of the team pounced on him because the captain had been offended when he had told her to shut up. Now Major Edwards would be listening to the rest of his team.
79. By order of General O'Neill, we are now allowed to call the Wraith "evil space vampires."
Oops. Guess they'd slipped up again. Fortunately, Jack thought it was funny and they were now authorized to call the Wraith by Atlantis's preferred nickname.
80. Please be aware of how you write your mission reports.
A. The SGC gets them.
Okay, they were getting bad. One year of no contact with Earth had effectively corrupted the original expedition team's ability to write a proper mission report. The SGC had tried to correct it.
They were failing. Miserably.
81. Don't panic.
A. At least not during times of crisis.
B. We need you at full strength.
Rodney especially was having a hard time with this rule. He had protested that panicking lead to good ideas. No one really knew what to say.
82. Always have plans B and C.
A. Plan A almost never workes.
That was a no-brainer. Fortunately, plans B and C were mostly all-purpose: retreat/pick-me-up or blow-up.
83. 'They started it' is not acceptable.
A. Nor is 'But he did it first.'
B. Or 'They started it.'
Elizabeth was about ready to let Clifford chase the next team who uttered those words around the base. Multiple times. Until they swore that they would not so much as think about saying the words.
84. Natives can be very superstitious.
A-13 had been the fifth team run off-world by priests who thought that they had come to steal their souls. And they only had cameras. It really wasn't their fault. This time.
85. Clifford is not our mascot.
A. At least not officially, he isn't.
John and Rodney had co-conspired on that one. They had created a large number of Clifford-related items, including, for some reason, Clifford plush dolls. A few of the personnel thought that they were cute and sent them to nieces and nephews back home. The SGC wasn't happy. The children had thought that they were cute "doggies."
86. Children are just that: children.
A few times, some of the teams had been asked to baby-sit by the Athosians. That went well, until the Athosian parents had realized that neither the soldiers nor the scientists were exceptionally great at caring for children. Elizabeth just groaned at the thought of it.
87. Always give the impression of being calm, collected and controlled.
A. At least off-world.
B. On base is something else.
Well, if no one acted stupid off-world, they'd have plenty of allies. This one came directly from Earth. Atlantis gave it a day, two at best, before something stupid happened off-world.
88. Taking away the kitchen staff's music is a very bad idea.
Dr. Kavanagh and his very few followers had raided the kitchen staff's music collection, claiming it was unethical and "against the rules." The kitchen staff got angry with the offending party. The entire base suffered. Kavanagh had to give them the music back. Now he was getting the last pick of desserts as punishment.
89. Don't go crying back to Earth when Atlantis offends you.
A. We'll get mad at you.
B. You'll suffer.
Kavanagh had gone back to Earth with his complaints. O'Neill intercepted. Now the good doctor had to deal with an entire base that went out of its way to make his life absolutely miserable. Hopefully, he would learn his lesson.
90. You are not Jedi Masters.
A. You can't control the Force.
Great. Just great. There were a few teams who had gone out of their way to tell unsuspecting natives that they could control the Force. Now three more worlds worshipped them.
91. The male members of the expedition are not to hit on any woman off-world.
Dr. Jackson was suddenly becoming an example for many male expedition members. It was slowly becoming the goal of the male population to have girlfriends on every planet. The females of Atlantis got annoyed and had coaxed Atlantis into only listening to the women. Atlantis went along, proving, yet again, that the city liked the women more than the men.
92. Keep the illegal production of alcohol to a minimum.
A. Except for Dr. Zalenka.
B. He's good at it.
Radek had become quite proficient at making his own alcohol, learned by trial and error in Year One. The newbies weren't. This lead to many a lab explosions.
93. Anyone not from Year One is in training.
A. See list for expedition ranks.
a. arrival to month 1: newbie
b. month 2 to month 3: rookie
c. month 4 to month 6: member in the 3rd degree
d. month 7 to month 12: member in the 2nd degree
3. year 1 and up: member in the 1st degree
Year Oners were the originals. They got to make up the ranks people would qualify for, and how long it took for them to qualify.
94. The only people exempt from expedition ranks and training are Teyla, Ronan and Clifford.
Teylad had been from Year One and lived in Pegasus her entire life. Ronan had seven years of running under his belt. Clifford was a big alien dog and very scary.
95. No one is to mess with Clifford's games.
A. Unless you have a death wish or want to land in the infirmary.
Clifford had a habit of using Atlantis for his personal training and games. On numerous occasions, Elizabeth had visitors to her office compaining about injuries suffered because of being caught in the middle of one of his games, by accident. She'd resolved to train Clifford to not actually attack any personnel, and to stay away from the labs and the infirmary.
96. Pretty flowers are to stay in containers.
A. Except for the ones growing on this planet.
B. We don't want to kill anyone!
A pretty flower brought back from another planet had caused the entire base to get the flu. A-1 had taken over Elizabeth's office after Carson had kicked them out of the infirmary because he had run out of room. Elizabeth had been miserable. John and Rodney were simply pathetic. Teyla was fairly calm about the whole things. Ronan would've been intimidating if he could stop coughing and sneezing.
97. Be careful of relationships between spouses and significant others.
That was sent specifically at Captain Dyson. Her husband, despite being a brilliant negotiator, was pissing off the rest of A-6, Anne included.
98. There will be no comparing A-1 to SG-1.
A. They both are very good teams.
B. Especially the old SG-1.
C. And A-1.
The entire base was at it again. They had nothing better to do. Elizabeth could only laugh.
99. Please direct any queries about the Athosians to Teyla.
Elizabeth was now completely pissed at the base. The soldiers had gone directly to the Athosians about being baby-sitters. Then again, Teyla was mad at the Marine Brigade for being so evil and their desire to corrupt even more people.
100. Talent nights are not to be laughed at.
A. It is recommended that you attend.
B. Though participation is optional.
It had been a good idea to have monthly talent nights. The personnel got a chance to relax and party while the brave souls among them got a chance to entertain themselves and the rest of them. Surprisingly, it had become quite popular.
101. Revenge is best served never.
Long story short, John getting drunk on talent night, pictures, and Rodney with his laptop. John was about ready to string up the scientist after the pictures of the colonel singing 'Barbie Girl' wearing a neon pink onesie (no one knew where that one came from) appeared on every computer.
102. Silly String is prohibited to the base.
Apparently, a couple of soldiers had bribed the Daedalus to bring silly string, so that they could take it off-world. When a new religion worshipping the magic string shooters popped up, Elizabeth'd had a stern talking with those responsible. John sulked.
103. Puppets are hereby banned from the Pegasus Galaxy.
A. They're too corruptive.
It was true. The soldiers had been the worst offenders. Ever since they had used puppets to "explain" things to the natives of P99-443, no one really wanted to go back.
104. Do not volunteer yourself or any member of your team for anything off-world.
A. Chances are, it's some kind of a religious ceremony.
B. They're hard to get out of.
C. Priests always like volunteers.
A-13 again. They were either the stupidest team on base. Or the most unlucky. Or both. They were either loved or hated, depending on the world.
Elizabeth sighed as part 3 of the Idiot's Guide was posted. Her children were pretty dumb and occasionally very wimpy, depending on whether they were scientists or soldiers. One thing for sure, she was never bored.
Now go press that nice, happy, shiny button that says review, and I'll give you bonus points. And a new chapter will be added soon.