Chap 3: Prayer

Tezuka Kunimitsu had never believed in "love at first sight". It was instinctive, impulsive and unlogical (how could you fall in love with someone right the moment you saw him or her?), completely in contrast to what he was brought up to appreciate: self-control, reason and discipline. So Tezuka was very sure if he could ever fall in love, it would never be love at first sight.

On his first day at junior high school, however, Tezuka realized that fate always had its most ironic way to change someone completely.

Tezuka could remember very clearly the moment he passed by the sakura tree and saw an angle standing under it, eyes closed and head tipped back slightly, honey brown hair danced with the wind while sakura blossoms tried to caress him as they fell. The sight was so beautiful that Tezuka immediately forget how to breathe. His heart was pounding furiously on his chest as he just stood there, unmoving, afraid that his presence might scare this angel away. And when the other finally turned and then looked at him with deep blue eyes fill with curiosity and a gentle smile on his face, Tezuka knew he was so dead.

He had fallen in love. With a boy. And love at first sight above all.

Days passed and they became friends, then best friends. The closer he was to Fuji, the deeper he fell for the blue eyed boy. But as a man of few words, Tezuka couldn't voice his feelings for the other. He, after all, was raised not to express sentiments. So he tried to convey his love through actions, believed hopefully that they could speak louder then words and someday Fuji might noticed that there was someone who love him so much.

But it seemed that Fuji didn't or may be he did but chose to ignore it because he was constantly clueless to Tezuka's every hint and ministration. Despite that, Tezuka never once thought about giving up. True love would wait, he mused. Yes, he could wait.

Tezuka Kunimitsu was always considered as a perfect inhuman boy, people looked up to him since he was the student council president of his school, young master of his family's clan and the best at everything he did. But contrary to popular belief, Tezuka was just a normal person with his own limits and as days, months and years went by, his hope slowly turned into frustration. He knew he had to take a move if not, he would never have Fuji's love.

So Tezuka gathered all his courage to confess to the blue eyed boy. He waited for Fuji under the sakura tree where they first met, repeated countless times what he intended to say in his mind. But all his effort became useless as Fuji appeared, announced cheerfully to him that the slender boy had just received an invitation to study at one of the most famous universities in France. One look at the pure happiness in Fuji's face completely shut his mouth and Tezuka just stood there, his fists clenched so tightly that his nails scratched his palms and drew blood while Fuji babbled about his plan for studying abroad.

"I will miss you, my best friend."-that was the last thing Fuji said to him before they separated. Tezuka stood, watching the blue eyed boy's retreating back, feeling mournful to the utmost. Fuji said he would miss him but would he? Or he would meet someone at his university and completely forget about Tezuka?

They had been so close, yet in a flash became so faraway that even their eyes couldn't contact.

His, agony and desperation.

His, love and aspiration.

All of them couldn't reach the one he love the most.

Tezuka didn't know what he had to do to stop this hopeless feeling, to not go insane with all emotions screaming deep inside his heart.

He silently swore if he ever had a chance, he would never let Fuji look away from him again.

Fuji was looking at him, uncertain and confused and Tezuka had to muster all his willpower to not move forward and took the slender boy in his arms. Instead, he raised his hand and slapped the boy hard on his face, feeling his heart was torn apart as Fuji fell on the floor, his hand covered his swollen cheek.

That was the choice he made. If he couldn't be the person Fuji loved the most, Tezuka would become the one Fuji felt hatred the most so that Fuji would never forget him even if he died. If his guilt made him unable to stand Fuji's care and kindness, he would make Fuji disgust and hate him even though enduring that would be so much painful. He would continue to bear the almost unbearable agony in his heart and act like a cold cruel bastard just to have the blue eyed boy right by his side. That was the only thing he asked for. Fuji's love, he had already given up.

Right in the night he became Fuji's master, he took the blue eyed boy. Knowing that he was Fuji's first time made him feel guilty since he couldn't treat him any gentle but also created happiness and proud inside his chest. The heavenly sensations of being inside Fuji were so addicted that he couldn't help tasting them again and again, almost everyday, using punishment as his excuse. Though he wanted to stab himself every time Fuji screamed in pain as he penetrated him without preparation, Tezuka couldn't suppress his dark desire to feel the other.

But Tezuka had never kiss Fuji. To him, kissing was sacred and noble, something only reserved for your love. He didn't and would never deserve it. Fuji's kiss belonged to his lover, not him - a demon who had burned the wings and locked that angel in his cage. That might sound hypocritical but Tezuka really wanted to keep that last precious thing for the blue eyed boy. It was his secret promise and he would hold it no matter how badly he wanted to do otherwise.

But when Fuji put the matcha cake in front of him, Tezuka heard something inside him snap. His body moved on its own and before he knew it, his lips was pressing against Fuji, completely broke the last boundary he set for himself. He kissed the blue eyed boy repeatedly, unable to stop, feeling happy and agonized at the same time as Fuji slowly, awkwardly kissed back.

Fuji was always like that too kind and lenient, not like him so greedy and selfish.

Tezuka Kunimitsu had never believed in Gods. It was unrealistic and emotional, completely in contrast to what he was brought up to appreciate: science and reality. But in that very night of his birthday, watching Fuji sleep peacefully in his chest, Tezuka found himself silently pray again and again to whatever supreme being above.

Please, please, make this angel love me.