"I'm sorry Ms. Antoinette, but your daughter does not have the clearance necessary to leave the country at this time." The head of the Department of International Magical Transportation was practically shaking behind his mustache as my mother stared him down.
So far though his stance had been clear and unwavering: I was not to be allowed out of the country to stay with my father for the summer.
In fact, I was not to be let out of the country at all.
~*^*~*^*~%*^*~
Midway through the summer, the Ministry Fell. Two weeks later my mother and I queued up for registration. Her new identification card red pureblood traitor. I was told that I would receive mine on the train to school.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
When it came time for me to return to Hogwarts, Phil was not permitted to travel with us to the train station and mum was not allowed past the barrier. So instead I hugged her in the middle of all the bustling muggles, trying to hold down my tears.
"I love you Isabella. No matter what, I will always love you."
"I love you mum."
And then my flighty erratic, spontaneous mother looked me right in the eye and said the most serious words of her life.
"Don't let them change you, Isabella."
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
The train ride to Hogwarts had never been so dull.
Gone were the spacious compartments and the elderly witch with the candy trolley. Gone were the comfy seats and the laughter that had before ushered in a new school year.
We sat sorted by house, and then by blood purity, and then by year on long, hard wooden benches.
There was no talking. There was no food, and no lavatories.
We all changed robes at once, in front of each other.
Half way to school, a Death Eater, one I recognized from my scuffle on the stairs, handed out IDs. Each had our picture, our name, our parent's names, our description, and our blood status. We were to keep them on us at all times.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
"My name is Severus Snape, and I am your headmaster.
"Each of you is here because the Dark Lord believes you are worthy enough to study and learn magic. It is your duty to prove that worth.
"This means that each of you has been given an opportunity not to be wasted. You were born superior to the muggle filth that dirty our world, and you have the chance to remain superior. The Dark Lord has masterful plans, but the new world he is creating for us belongs only to the best and the brightest, only to the most worthy. If you are deemed unworthy, you will be cast aside. The Dark Lord has no use for weaklings.
"Follow his orders, obey his command, and you will remain with the superior. You are here at Hogwarts for no other reason than to better yourself for the service of the Dark Lord. Without him, you are worthless. Without him you will perish."
~*^*~*%^*~*^*~
The second week of school my hands were sewn together for not speaking about You-Know-Who in the proper tone. So that you can pray for forgiveness from our most merciful Dark Lord.
Later in the common room Jack pulled out all of the threads while Winifred held me still.
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
It was a little over a month later that my hands were nailed to the top of my desk.
A braver Gryffindor might have continued to taunt Amycus Carrow.
(It was easy enough to do; Amycus Carrow was inbred almost to the point of being classified profoundly handicapped.)
But I was not brave, and so I screamed when the spikes were driven into my hands, and cried in great gasping sobs for the rest of the class.
This time it was Neville who stayed behind to pull out the spikes and heal my hands as Helen held my shaking frame.
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
After that I tried to keep my head down and out of the line of fire.
I did not succeed for very long.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
It was stupid to agree to such a task, but when my fake Galleon buzzed and heated I replied.
Both Ginny and Luna had not returned from Christmas holidays. Neville was nowhere to be found. So I took it upon myself to sneak into the hospital wing for a bottle of blood-replenisher while Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil stayed with the little pale first year, trying their best to keep him calm.
When a Slytherin seventh year caught me his friends held me down while he pulled off my toes one by one. I passed out mercifully quickly.
Madame Pomfrey told me later, as she reattached them, that my toes and I were found outside of the hospital wing in a pile.
I returned to the common room with a cup of the potion two hours too late.
Seamus Finnegan took it upon himself to write the little boy's parents.
I didn't tell anyone about my toes.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
Life at Hogwarts became something of a game of tag. Except for instead of tagging people, we were scrawling graffiti across the corridor walls and maiming each other.
The teams were unclear, territories were hard to define, but the one thing agreed on was that the hospital wing was safe. It was an unspoken rule that if we could make it to the hospital wing we wouldn't be attacked.
~*^*~*^*~%*^*~
We threw a party for Winifred's sixteenth birthday in the room of requirement complete with streamers, whiskey, and cake.
Everybody danced and laughed, and for the entire night we were just another group of teenagers.
We played would you rather, truth or dare, and spin the bottle, all muggle games that Collin had told us about. I ended up kissing a sixth year Hufflepuff I had never spoken to before and doing the chicken dance while suspended by my heel from the ceiling.
It was the best night I had had in a long time.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
The next day I found Fayge in our room after she failed to show up at dinner. She was crying in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, scrubbing furiously at the inside of her forearm.
I'm Jewish. She cried. I'm Jewish and I didn't think they even knew what that means, but they did, they do and now…
I held her tight as we both cried over the string of numbers on the inside of her arm. Just like I had seen on her Bubbe's arm.
It's not like it's that big of a deal, I'm not dead and they don't own me, and I've got my entire life ahead of me, but it's so… degrading.
We cried together on the tile floor until Winifred and Madison came back, and then we all cried together.
It could've been hours later when Winifred wiped her eyes furiously before pulling up the sleeve of her school blouse. We all watched, horrified, as she took out her wand and began, carefully, carving numbers into her own arm.
"Winifred stop!" I whispered harshly, but she pulled away from me.
"No Isabella." She admonished. "You are not the only one capable of doing stupid things and acting recklessly." Then she turned to Fayge, who's sniffling had calmed some. "So you're Jewish? Well guess what? I like jam on toast without butter, so I'm just as uncivilized as you!"
Madison was next. Her tanned forearm shook a bit as she gave herself a line of numbers. "Well I have never liked pumpkin juice and sometimes I do my homework with a ball point pen, so screw you!"
When she was finished I pulled up my own sleeve. "My father is a muggle and my mum's a blood traitor, and sometimes when I'm bored during the summer I go to the cinema to see a film. So I too find myself on the blacklist!"
By the end of it we were hysterical.
For the next week we all went out with our sleeves rolled up to our elbows.
~*^*~*%^*~*^*~
The snow had just melted when I was called to Snape's office. The password was Purity, and by the time I got to his great oak doors, I was ready to vomit. In the pit of my heart I knew something was wrong.
"We were hoping you could assist us Isabella,"Alecto Carrow's voice sounded babyish with unpracticed sweetness. "Your mother is engaging in behavior unfit for her status and rank. You alone are enough proof of that."
"She is embarrassing her family and her blood. The conduct she is exhibiting cannot be tolerated, you must understand," Amycus Carrow continued.
I didn't see my mother in the corner of the room until she made a noise. It was an animal keen, one of deep pain and fear. With that noise any courage I might have ever possessed was gone. And then I saw Phil rotating slowly midair above the headmaster's desk, bleeding out of his ears and moaning softly.
"She might be forgiven if she kills that filthy consort of hers, that mangy muggle. He is not worthy to lick the dirt from her boots, yet she says she loves him. Every night she fucks him, and in the morning they parade around the town as though there is nothing sick or perverse about them."
"She is pureblood though, and so she might be able to save herself."
"Tell me, Isabella, what would you like to say to mummy about her conduct?"
In the corner my mother cried. Above us Phil floated upside down, I don't think he was really aware of what was going on.
I kept myself silent.
That was my first big mistake. A cruciatus later I was on my knees, gasping for breath.
"Come now Isabella, don't you want it to stop? You don't have to be in pain. Tell mummy what she needs to do to make it stop."
I didn't even have the chance to respond.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
Professor Snape sat serenely behind his great desk as the Carrow siblings demanded I tell my mother to kill Phil. Behind him the portraits hurled curse words and wailed. The portrait of Professor Dumbledore wept.
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
Hours later, I'm told, Dennis Creevey found me shirtless in front of the portrait hole.
No mummy, don't do it! Please mummy run!
I remember vaguely lying in the middle of the common room floor, surrounded by crying and panic.
Mummy make them stop, please make it stop!
Professor McGonagall was summoned, and so was Madame Pomfrey.
I'm sorry I'm sorry! Just make it stop!
Over time the burning fire across my abdomen lessened and I was able to sleep.
When I next woke up, the words that the Carrows had carved into me were legible.
Blood Traitor Whore
"So that you'll never forget your dear mummy."
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
It might have been the next day that Professor McGonagall was told my mother and step-father were dead.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
Three nights later, once I had finally stopped taking the pain potion that knocked me out for hours on end, Winifred, Madison, Fayge and I stayed up talking the whole night. It was like we were back in second year, talking about eternal glory.
"What'll you do when the war is over?" Madison asked us.
"I'll buy colorful sundresses and giant floppy brimmed hats like you see fine ladies at the muggle racetrack wear. Then I'll parade up and down the street and everyone will think I'm someone important." Fayge replied.
"I'm going to meet a boy, and we'll have a whirlwind romance. Every morning he'll kiss me goodbye and every evening he'll bring me flowers and I'll make him supper. And we'll have sex at random times throughout the day, just because we can. And he'll be a muggle. We'll have tons of children and each and every one of them will be little halfblooded blood traitors and they will each go out into the world and marry muggleborns and such and their children will be little shames to You-Know-Who's regime," Winifred sighed.
"That's beautiful Winnie!" Madison laughed darkly. "I'm going to fly in an airplane around the world, with no stops. I'm going to stand on the Great Wall of China, I'm going to hang off the very top of the Eiffel tower, and I'm going to do a dance on top of the statue of liberty. And when all that's finally said and done, I'm going to come back here to finish my education."
"I'm going to eat greasy, fattening, fast food for dinner every night. I'm going to sleep in until 10 every morning, and every Friday I'm going to go to a cinema to see a different movie. I'm going to read whimsical muggle novels about people with stubborn romantic notions and heaving bosoms. I'm going to study science, which is the art of muggles lying to each other to convince themselves that magic doesn't really exist." I stated. "And somewhere along the way, I'm going to find someone completely untrustworthy and I'm going to break the International Statute of Secrecy like it has never been broken before."
"Amen." Fayge giggled.
~*^*~*^*~%*^*~
I don't think any of us knew the date, the night of the final battle. My DA coin burned and vibrated with a simple message. Harry's back. Come to the Room. Battle's on.
Winifred, Madison, Fayge and I all got dressed quickly and quietly. We sealed the room behind us before continuing on down the stairs and out the portrait hole.
The four of us formed a sort of train, hands on each other's shoulders, and wands at the ready as we tip toed down the staircase to the third floor corridor where the room would be. It was a sort of surreal feeling that surrounded us, as though none of the past year was really real. We were just on our way to meet some old friends. We were only going to a party. We were just some sixteen year old girls who liked to giggle over boys and whisper about the maybe future. We were only a group of fifth years.
We were just a bunch of dumb kids until the door to the room of requirement appeared from the thick stone on the wall opposite a portrait of dancing trolls.
~*^%*~*^*~*^*~
Around me students queued up to be taken out of the castle and from there to safety. The professors moved from table to table, rooting out the underage wizards and witches and sending them to be taken out. Professor McGonagall was halfway down the Gryffindor table when she spotted the four of us.
"You four, get in line. You're underage and this is no place for children." Her mouth was in a stiff line and for the first time she seemed to be more of a worried mother than an austere teacher.
"Professor please." She had to know that we weren't children anymore.
She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, breathed deeply, and then passed by us, a tightening in her eyes, and moved on to snatch up two twelve year old boys trying to hide inconspicuously amongst a group of seventh year boys.
Under the table I gripped the hands of my three best friends.
~*^*~*^*~%*^*~
I followed Colin Creevey to the clock tower, my hands shaking and my stomach jumping. With us were members of the Order of the Phoenix, three Ravenclaw seventh years and Cody and Jack. Winifred had been taken to the hospital wing to assist Madame Pomfrey and Fayge and Madison had followed Professor Hagrid to the staircases.
All around us the castle seemed to shift and groan with life. Suits of armor were marching through the halls, and desks and tables from classrooms were scurrying in all directions. The pendulum of the giant clock had never moved the air so much, and I could feel the ticking of the clock hands thrumming through my veins.
We lined up against the railing, and watched the shifting grounds. All around us the sky shimmered with magic, protective force fields formed by a thousand students, teachers, villagers, and parents.
"I'm a bit afraid." I whispered. "But mostly I'm numb. And I've got this shaky feeling inside of me."
Beside me Colin sighed. "Me too, Bella. But think about it, once we live through this, nothing will ever be able to touch us. Once we survive this we don't ever have to be afraid again."
"Come up with that all on your lonesome Colin?" I grinned over at him, knowing exactly where he got that piece of knowledge from.
"Nope." He smiled back at me, and once again I was reminded of those fleeting conversations that we had once had about our muggle fathers. "Read it in a book about some muggle soldier. But I thought it fit. And it's true, isn't it?"
"What'll you do when the war is over?" It was the question I had been asking everyone lately.
"I reckon I'll go back to taking tons of pictures, like I did when I first got here." He ran a hand through his blond hair before reaching down to grab mine.
Around us the defensive shield that covered the school shattered.
~*^*~%*^*~*^*~
"NO!" The scream ripped out of me as I watched Rachel fall.
Around me jets of light filled the air. Masked men were destroying everything they laid their eyes on.
It was so noisy, but so quiet at the same time.
In the muggle films, and in the cinemas, war had a soundtrack. War had a music pulsing underneath it, encouraging drama and underscoring desperation. Muggle war was full of gunshots and explosions. And music.
There was no music in this battle.
Screams filled the air, as did the sound of the castle collapsing around us. The sound of my own labored breathing filled my ears. Somewhere close a girl was crying. On the other side of the wall I could hear something roaring. The floor beneath my feat, once unmovable stone, shook.
I fired spell after spell, in all different directions, completely forgetting the rules of combat that I had been taught in Defence classes.
Impedimenta, Stupify, Bombarda, Expulso. They went out in all different directions, until I was eventually just screaming and hurling destruction, like everyone else.
~*^*~*^*~*%^*~
I forgot why I was fighting.
I forgot everything that had happened in the year before.
I forgot that my mother was dead and that I hadn't spoken to my father in over a year.
I forgot all the times that I had been tortured.
I forgot about the writing across my belly, forgot about the long line of numbers on the inside of my forearm, and forgot about my own elegant scrawl forever etched into the back of my hand.
I forgot everything except for this one simple truth: Once I was done fighting here I would never have to fight again. Once this final battle was over I could go and stay with my muggle father in America. I could wear sun dresses and eat unhealthy food and have a million muggle babies and take dozens of photographs and every Friday I could go to the cinemas to see a romantic comedy.
Once I was done fighting I could lay back with my friends on a cool day next to the lake, and we could talk about Witch Weekly's most charming smile winner. We could all do crossword puzzles together. We could swoon over seventh year quidditch players.
I fought so that when the war was over I could find the most untrustworthy person and break the International Statute of Secrecy.
There was nothing noble about the fighting I did. But then again I never did claim to be good at being a Gryffindor.
~*^*~*^*%~*^*~
I felt teeth digging into the flesh of my back before I ever saw him.
His eyes were yellow, animalistic, and the noises he made were grunts of satisfaction and ferocity.
I felt his pointy fingers digging into the soft flesh of my sides.
It hurt. A lot.
But I still fought. I cursed and screamed and kicked and struggled, all the while firing of jinxes into the melee before me.
Then there was a shout, and a loud whine-like groan as the untransformed werewolf's teeth and fingers were ripped away from my back.
I might have screamed, but the noise of it was swallowed up by the rest of the chaos around me.
The stone tile was so cool against my cheek when I sagged to the floor.
I was done. Finished. I didn't want to get up again, I didn't want to fight anymore. I was ready to die.
Except for someone disagreed with me on that sentiment.
"Isabella! Isabella!"
I felt the skin on my back squirming around, knitting itself back together. A wholly unpleasant experience, especially since I was ready to die.
I groaned into the neck of my ruined sweatshirt, tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes for the first time that night. Bandages wound themselves around my entire torso, so tight that I doubted I would be able to breathe. But it was enough to get me sitting up, wand clutched in my sweaty palm. A hand reached out to me, to help me up.
When I was finally able to stand I saw who it was that had put me back together again.
"Violet?"
She nodded, tears making shining tracks down her face. I hugged her fiercely, remembering all those years ago on my first ever ride to Hogwarts. I remembered the laughter and the conversation and the candy shared with Colin, Bartholomew, and Violet. It felt like centuries ago.
But the next moment she was ripped out of my arms, and we were back to fighting. Around me the castle walls began to crumble.
~*^*~*^*%~*^*~
Around me people sorted through the rubble and ruins to retrieve the bodies of friends and family members. And the bodies of fallen strangers.
I sat quietly on the bottom of the grand staircase that led down into the Great Hall. I didn't have enough energy to get up and walk, my back was burning something fierce.
And I couldn't bear to see the bodies laid out where once upon a time I feasted with my friends at the beginning and end of every school year.
So instead I sat on the stair case. And waited.
~*^*~*%^*~*^*~
A small witch with a tightly curled perm recorded all of our names, and the names of our friends who had fought. She said she was compiling a list of everyone who had been there, before we scattered to the four corners of the earth.
Numbly I listed as many people as I could.
~*^*%~*^*~*^*~
It was hours later that I joined the recovery process. According to Professor Flitwick there were still dozens of people to be found, and the castle was in ruins. A stench filled the air and permeated all our clothes. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that someone had lit a giant mountain troll on fire.
My back burned and my muscles ached, but I kept up with the others as best I could, overturning massive chunks of wall and digging through piles of rubble.
As much as I tried to ignore my own injuries though, eventually the pain got to me and I collapsed.
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
St. Mungo's was less crowded by the time I awoke.
I was on a bed in a large room, the privacy curtains drawn tightly around me. I could hear quiet murmuring on the other side of the curtains and see shadows of people moving around the ward, but apart from that there wasn't much to be seen.
On the table to the right of my bed I saw my wand, and without thinking I twisted around to reach it…
… And immediately let out a surprised moan. Apparently twisting around was not something I was supposed to be doing.
The curtains flew open, and I found myself staring into the frightened eyes of Ginny Weasley.
"Oh thank Merlin, you're awake!"
~*^*%~*^*~*^*~
Later, much later, after the large group of DA members had finally gone home, a very dour mediwitch dosed me with two tablespoons of a viscous liquid she called Kangaroo Juice. (It's all your stomach can handle right now Miss Antoinette.)
(I didn't bother correcting her about the name. It was all I had left of my mother, her maiden name and deep scaring across my abdomen.)
In the bed to my right a very rough looking Neville dozed, and to my left was a girl I was almost sure was named Astoria. A little further down the ward I could see Lavender Brown and the Patil twins. Across from me was Luna, happily chatting with her father, their floaty conversation barely making it to my ears. In the bed nearest the doors was a little first year I recognized from one of my many Carrow detentions.
Who I didn't see was Winifred, Madison, and Fayge. I couldn't decide if that was a good omen or bad.
"Let me through! No! Get out of my way! I want to see her NOW!" The shrill voice coming from the hall way was one I easily recognized; my heart gave a silent cry of relief when I heard her.
"Fayge!" My voice wasn't loud, but I knew it must have carried out to her when seconds later she came barreling through the doors and onto my bed. I suppressed a groan of discomfort as she threw herself on top of me.
"Oh Bella!" She pulled back from me and began to trace my features, her fingers brushing over my eyebrows, nose, and lips, patting back my hair.
Suddenly I found myself crying as I did the same, needing to confirm that one of my best friends was indeed right in front of me. We sat together on the bed, crying and holding each other for what seemed like hours. Finally I felt brave enough to ask the question at the forefront of my mind. "Who?"
I sat still as Fayge told me the names of those confirmed dead. Rachel and Will had both been cursed by masked men. Grace was crushed by a wall when a giant smashed its way through the school. Tommy and Ethan hand perished in one of the many fires that were started close to the end of the battle. Nobody had seen how Colin Creevey died. And finally Fayge told me of Winifred.
Beautiful, arrogant, sweet Winifred had died trying to save a boy from a giant spider. Winifred, who dreamed of having an enormous family in the future, who constantly fell in love with muggle boys, was dead. Winifred who had declared her hatred of butter on toast and who had insisted that the DA was a bad idea, Winifred who called me whimsical, but was actually a true romantic at heart. Winifred who held me still when my hands were sewn together and insured that Fayge would never again be hurt by the Carrows.
We cried together for the rest of the night, until the dour nurse returned with another dose of Kangaroo Juice and announced that visiting hours were over.
As Fayge was being led away I called out to her, suddenly realizing that I had heard nothing about my other roommate and best friend.
"Wait! Fayge! Madison?"
I saw Fayge stumble and pause before turning to look at me. The nurse protested and made to grab Fayge's arm, but the message was clear. "We haven't found her yet, Bella." And then she got a determined gleam in her eye. "We will though, I swear it. We'll find her."
I nodded, trying not to start crying again.
~*^*~*%^*~*^*~
Three months later and I was sitting in a row of seats set up for the war memorial dedication. The ceremony had been lovely, but I couldn't bring myself to go to the banquet following it, so instead I remained seated. In the newly rebuilt Great Hall, everyone who had attended was now drinking chilled pumpkin juice and comingling.
The memorial was a chunk of wall, left over from the ruins of the castle, and the polished. Over its surface were hundreds, maybe thousands of names, the names that the tiny witch had collected just after the battle had finished. They were the names of everyone that had fought against Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Somewhere on that memorial was my name, as well as Fayge's and Madison's and Winifred's. It was strange to think of my own name being immortalized on the chunk of rock that would forever record the participants in the war.
I felt, rather than heard or saw, Fayge slip into the seat next to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and we just sat in peace.
Finally though, the silence was broken. "Bella?"
"Mmmhmm?"
"You're not going to stay, are you?"
"Probably not. I've been thinking about it for a while Fayge, and I think… I think I want to go stay with my dad for a bit."
She sighed, "Yeah, I guess I understand that. Just promise me you won't cut yourself off?"
"Cut myself off?"
"From me. From all of us here. From your DA buddies and from Hogwarts. If you leave, you have to promise to keep in touch. And…" She seemed hesitant to lay down this last stipulation.
"Yes?"
"Remember those things we said we'd do? After the war was over?"
"Yes."
"Well you have to promise to do them. If you're going to leave, you have to swear that you're going to eat junk food, and read whimsical novels, and go to the cinemas." Tears were leaking out of both our eyes, and I nodded shakily.
"And I'll take photographs, lots of them. And then someday when you've finished school and bought all your dresses, we'll take an airplane all the way around the world and stand on top of the Great Wall of China and hang off of the Eiffel Tower and dance on top of the Statue of Liberty." I couldn't help but think of Colin's plans, and of Winifred's. Madison's too, she still hadn't been found.
"I love you Bella."
"You too Fayge."
"Write me."
"I wasn't planning otherwise."
~*^*~*^%*~*^*~
END OF YEAR FIVE
AN: Thanks to all of you who read! Just a few side notes, for anyone who's confused.
Bubbe means Grandmother in Yiddish, and so that's who Fayge's always talking about.
Also, I did get inspiration for a few ideas about what the students who stayed behind at Hogwarts went through while the Trio destroyed horcruxes. I read about the Carrow's nailing hands to desks in some other fic and I loved it so much that I used it. I can't really remember which fic that's from though, so if you know, tell me!
Please review with any questions, comments, or concerns!