Perfectly Imperfect – The Video
In 4th grade, everything between Stan and Wendy was magic, and it stayed that way… Well, it would have if Rebecca Cottswolds never meddled with their love, or Stan never cheated on Wendy. Now, in the 12th grade, a week after the breakup, drama occurs…
Wendy has liked Craig for a while now. At a party that happened at Kenny's house last night, Kyle got a specific video tape of Wendy and Craig (Being drunk) making-out. However, things all went wrong when Cartman stole it. Now, with the videotape in Cartman's control, everyone is in a havoc to reclaim it.
(Cartman's POV)
HAHAHA! Oh, this video tape is good! I should post it on YouTube, and Facebook! Oh, I should post it on Stan's page! I wonder if he'll care or not. He probably will. Not a lot of people know this, he only told Kenny, Kyle and I this, but he's still in love with Wendy! And the fact that I have this video tape of Wendy and Craig sharing tongues is priceless. Trust me, nothing in this world could make me feel better! Does that make me a bad person? What do you think? I'm the devil in disguise! I don't know why I have so many fan girls, probably because I'm drop-dead sexy. I mean, short brown hair in a blue and yellow hat, with a red coat and brown pants, you had better believe it, mothafuckaa! So what if I'm the heaviest teen in America? Girls like a little extra to love! The only reason that I don't have a girlfriend, is because their to big of pussies to love all what I've got to handle – Yes ladies, I'm single!
But back to the topic of the video tape… Goddamit, what should I do? (*Gasp*) Oh… Dear… Sweet… JESUS! We have found our answer to the humiliation process of Stan, Wendy AND Craig! Eric Theodore Cartman, you are a genius! I should start off with fliers for the event… I will lure them in with a clever slogan… Pizza party, yes. Time, Saturday, and special "Prize" Included! Oh, I'm sorry, you don't know what I'm doing, do you? I'll give you a hint: I'm gathering all the people of South Park to come to the movie theater for a pizza party. While they're all in the theater, I play the kissing tape on the big screen with everyone there! Haha! The ad would say: Pizza Party! Please attend, special footage on the big screen! Thursday, March 22nd midnight! Bring your little ones!
You see, everyone in my town have brains the size of mutated peanuts. I can get away with anything. I got away with serving this kid chili, that was really his dead, crushed parents in front of everyone because he didn't give me my $16.00. Haha, he went crazy and into a mental hospital after that. What a jackass. So, if that worked, and everything else worked, I think I can get away with this videotape thing. But just as I was planning this very amazing plan, Kyle fucking Broflovski walked in and started to fight me for this video tape thing. How the hell did he get in my house? My mom probably let him in. My mom is a drunken pot addict who sells her body for money, but she's not a prostitute. She's more like a porn star, I guess you could say. But she still let Kyle in my house. 2 weeks ago, I banished him from my house, but here he comes, using his little Jew legs to climb up the stairs. He banged the door, (Haha, not that kind of bang, the bang as in knock) and yelled, "CARTMAN, YOU LITTLE FAT FUCK!"
I turned towards the door, opened it and said, "Oh, hello Kyle! Upset that I stole your precious videotape, hmm?"
"YES, I AM, R-TARD!" He yelled while kicking me.
"Ok, ok! Keep your pants on, I'm not gay. If you really want me, you just have to ask!" I teased. Hoping he'll get the fuck out.
"I'M NOT A FAG, UNLIKE YOU, ASSHOLE," He said, yelling with everything he has.
I got a little mad, because I'm not a Harley rider, (Episode, 'The F Word') "Bitch, you get the fuck out of my house," I told him, really quiet so he knew I was drop-fucking-dead serious.
"NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME THE FUCKING VIDEOTAPE!" He screamed. I still don't understand how Mom didn't hear him scream.
"Fine, fine, here's your porno. Now get the fuck out," I said, while pointing him to the door.
I grabbed a videotape and told him to go away. He stormed out of the room, so dramatically; I think I saw a little explosion come out of his head. But I didn't give him the real videotape. I gave him a copy of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song remix. Don't ask me why I have it, it's a long story contending peanut butter, fishing rods and a one superhero named The Coon (Episode, 'The Coon'). Anyways, I printed several copies of the advertisement for the pizza party thing. I got up, and walked out of my house. I hit every corner, every building, and every pole in town. Now I couldn't wait till Saturday. Now all I had to do was hand deliver this to Stan and Wendy. But there's only one problem; what if Kyle tells everyone about the videotape? Everyone will want it, and hell no am I giving it away. If only I could kidnap Kyle and feed him to Mecha Streisand (Episode, Mecha Streisand). Too bad Mecha Streisand is in sleep mode right now.
(Kyle's POV)
I just finished watching the video Cartman gave me… Why would he give me the Spongebob Squarepants theme remix? That bastard still has the tape of Wendy and Craig. I cannot let this video go viral. I just can't. I will not do that to my best friend. What is Cartman up too? What's his plan? I must know. I'll have to get all the help I need to get back that videotape. It's not Wendy or Craig's fault, they were drunk as hell! I got into the red-roofed school the next day. I walked in the big double-doors and walked speed-fast down the curved hallway. I had to tell Stan what I know that instant. I had to tell Wendy and Craig… I even have to tell Butters, Clyde, Token, all those people. I had to tell Wendy's friends too. We had to put all of our effort in to get back that tape. I saw the tip of Stan's red poof-ball hat, and I ran towards it. "Stan! Come here!" I yelled out, and stopped yelling when I saw his head turn to mine.
"What, did someone die?" He said, sarcastically.
"No, but it's a long story," I told him. "You see, at Kenny's party, Wendy and Craig got a little… Drunk, and they started to make-out. I got it on videotape because I was filming the party and… Well… How do I say this? Cartman got a hold of the tape, and is now planning something with the tape, I don't know what, though,"
"WHAT?" Stan screamed. "WENDY MADE-OUT WITH CRAIG? I mean… Cartman got an embarrassing videotape? Oh no, what do we do?" I could tell he was a lot more worried if Wendy and Craig were going out, but I didn't say anything.
"Yeah, dude. Tell everyone you know. We have to build an army to get that tape back, understand?" I said, extremely serious.
"Oh... Okay. I'll tell Wendy's friends, you tell our friends, okay?" He sounded so nervous when he said that.
"Got it," I said, right as the bell rang.
"Shit we're late!" Stan warned me.
"I know that, I'm not deaf. Now let's go before the teacher gets too mad," I stated, as we both began to run to class. We should have known we were going to be late, but, whatever. It could be worse. We could be ditching, right.
We ran down the curved hallway, passed all the lockers. We dashed in to the classroom, where our thinning teacher, Mr. Garrison, was teaching lessons.
"…And so class, that's why Lindsay Lohan is a druggy," Then he noticed us walk in. "Oh, Stan, Kyle. Mind if you explain why you two were late?"
We hesitated for a minute, and then Kyle said, "We carpooled when our car broke down,"
"Haha," Cartman laughed, "What, did you two make-out the whole time?"
"Shut up, fatass!" I remarked at the fat tub of lard.
"Okay, but this is 1st mod, not advisory. Sit the fuck down, you two. Okay class, lets get back on track. Did you all write your essays on Angelina Jolie?" He spoke, in that accent he had. I turned to Stan. We were both thinking the same thing: We had to get that videotape. Whatever it took, we knew he was going to post it on YouTube or Facebook. We both started scribbling notes to pass around the class. Every note we passed said, "Meet after class, urgent news. And do not let Cartman see this. =)" So hopefully someone will come and help us out a bit. But Stan and I still didn't know what to do. Did we just fight him, or ask him? No, we have to fight him. He won't simply give us this videotape, he must be fought. I kept looking back at the clock, to see how much time was left in class, until, *RING*, the bell rang, and everyone rushed out to get to 2nd mod. But the people who got the note, Clyde, Jimmy, Damien, Craig, Token and Tweak, who met behind the lockers. "What's this all about?" Craig said in his clogged-up voice.
"It's a long story, and we trust you guys the most," Stan said, thinking they'll all listen.
"Why do you guys need me?" The dark-princes son, Damien said. "I barely talk to you!"
"Yes, we know, but you can control things with your mind. We need that!" Stan replied.
"Now everyone listen to me," I started to say, "We need you guys to keep a secret-"
"AH! I'm bad at secrets! This is way to much pressure!" Tweek said, while twitching.
"Tweek, shut up," I said. "Anyways, Cartman has a videotape-"
"It's not a porno, is it?" Token said in his deep voice.
"That would be b-b-b-bad," Jimmy stuttered.
"No, it isn't. Now will you please shut up so I can talk?" That seemed to shut them up. "Cartman has a videotape of one drunk Wendy and one drunk Craig making-out-"
"WHAT? FUCK!" Craig screamed.
"I know, shut up so I can fucking talk! Anyways, yes, lard-tard has a videotape, and we all need to try our hardest to get it back, understand?"
"Got it," They said in a choir.
"Good, now go, before we're late!" I said. We all rushed to class. We just made it in time, when our teacher, Miss Cittey, was just beginning her lesson on math. She was about 20 years old at the most. She was our substitute teacher for a week now. She had long blond hair that spiked at the bottom. Her black shirt just barely covered her cleavage, and a dark green sweater. Her pants were black jeans, with modern-day cowboy boots that wrapped around her feet. She was even better than Ms. Ellen was! The only thing that didn't make her look stunning was a long scar that dashed across her cheek. She claims is was from a childhood incident, but we can never know. "Boys, you were almost late for class!"
"AH! I'm so sorry don't get me in trouble it was him not me I'm a good persooooon!" Tweak spazzed.
"Ok, well then, take your seats. Ok, today's lesson will be on the latest episode of Glee…"
No one paid attention to the lesson. We looked at either her beauty or her scar. God, that scar was distracting. Anyways, the period went by fast, and plus, after this period was lunch! Lunch was a perfect hour time-period where my "friends" and I can manipulate Cartman into giving us that videotape. We came up with no ideas. The clock slowly moved, second by second. The tired classmates all knew the day was long. It was surly one of the longest day. Each period was like another torture room, everyone looking at the clock every minute to see the time. FINALLY lunch came, and everyone rushed out of the room like bulls. Stan had to go tell Wendy our problem, and he had to get the information to her friends fast.
(Stan's POV)
I knew I had little time before Cartman showed the video on the big screen. I knew that everyone in South Park is coming to the party; they'll all see that creepy video. I mean, c'mon Wendy, you can do much better than Craig! I can do better than Rebecca! … Ok never mind, forget I said that. Anyways, I zoomed down the winding hallway, the speed almost blowing my hat off. I kept running until I saw Wendy and her friends, just about to take a seat on the red lunch chairs. I flew across the lunchroom until I saw her face-to-face. By the time I got there, I was panting like a dog. Wendy and all her friends looked at me with an expression that read, 'What the fuck?' I had to explain myself quick, before Wendy tried to punch me. I know she's still mad at me for dumping her. I looked at them all, one by one and said, "Uhh, hi… Everyone. I have some important news,"
"What do you want?" Jenny asked.
"I want just one thing," I told them, and they all looked at me, "I need your help,"
"Why would we help you?" Red asked, who looked at me disgusted.
I thought on what I should say next, when I said, "Have you guys seen the poster going around town about the pizza party at the movie theater?"
"Yeah," They all told me.
I looked at them with a serious face and explained to them what happened. "Well, Cartman has a videotape of Wendy and Craig making-out at Kenny's party… And he's going to project the video on the screen,"
After I explained to them in the best way possible, all of Wendy's friends started yelling at me, saying, 'How could you let this happen?' and 'You're a horrible person!', but Wendy herself didn't say anything. She just sat down; with thoughts so strong, I could read them just by looking at her expression. She was deciding if she should cry or laugh, if she should die or dance, if she should kill Craig or kill Cartman. I knew she liked Craig by the way she looked at him today in class, and the fact that she made-out with him made her happy, I guess. Also the fact that Cartman had the tape and was going to show it to the whole town, that was just… That was just brutal.
Suddenly, a soft tear rolled down her cheek. It was definitely a sad tear. She decided to die, not dance. I looked her in the eyes, and all the girls stopped yelling at me. They looked at Wendy and immediately went to her side to comfort her, but she was looking at me, she was paying no attention to the girls around her. We shared the moment of eye contact and thought about the same thing as one another: No matter what it took, no matter how hard the task, we WILL get that video from Cartman. She looked at me with such sadness in her eyes. She didn't care if she made-out with Craig. In this situation, she wouldn't care if she made out with Leonardo DiCaprio. She just couldn't deal with so much embarrassment. We rushed out of the lunchroom, just the two of us, no Jenny, no Red, no Bebe, no fuck. Just the two of us. And I liked it that way.
When we were in the middle of the twisted hallway, we saw Cartman yelling at some middle school kids. Right away, Wendy's sad glaze in her eyes turned angry. She was seriously pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I was pissed off too but god damn, she was PISSED. I didn't like the look in her eyes, she had the same look she gave me when I broke up with her… Angry, confused, miserable, all wrapped up in one look. That's when Cartman looked in our direction and laughed. He narrowed his eyebrows and gave us an evil smirk. Wendy ran up to him and punched him in the face. She kicked him in the groin and in the nose. She kept kicking and punching, yelling repeatedly, "WHERE IS IT? WHERE'S THE TAPE?" That's my girl! Oh, wait… That's my ex!
"Get off of me!" Cartman yelled, "Uhh, rape! RAPE!"
"SHUT UP, ASSHOLE! GIVE ME THE TAPE!" She screamed, still kicking and screaming.
"Uh oh!" He said in his sarcastic tone, "Someone really wants to masturbate, begging for your porno, are you?"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" She screamed. "YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS, ERIC THEADORE CARTMAN!" she said, then storming off with a flip of the hair and a shake of the hips. What would I do to hit that again… Uh, I mean, wow! She sure is a badass! Haha. Oh, who am I kidding? She is one fine woman, and I need her back. I don't really like Rebecca. She's just cool and the guys like her more. After school, Kyle called all of our helpers together. The people were Red, Jenny, Bebe, Wendy, Lola, Nelly, Clyde, Jimmy, Damien, Craig, Token and Tweak. We had many people on our side to get that tape back. Kyle told us we all had to work together to get the tape but… I don't think that's going to happen, we all like working individually. Anyways, Craig stepped up with his blue outfit and frowned. He never smiled, he always had this neutral look in his eyes, but this time he had the smallest, tiniest look of worry. "Wendy…" He started to say, "I don't know what I was thinking… I was drunk, forgive me?"
"Of course, you're my friend-ish!" She replied.
"I sure hope you didn't just friend-zone me. Anyways, everyone, we have no plan! We have to come up with something quick!" Craig told the group.
Suddenly, a voice with a strange accent came and said, "Why don't we all kill him?" The second we heard that voice we knew who said it. We all turned around swiftly and got scared out of our fucking minds. It was Cartman; he had his fat arms crossed over his chest. His fat belly being over-exaggerated because of his arched back, and that evil smirk. "No matter what you do," He said in a serious voice, "You won't get it back. You can try the hardest, you can search my room, you can search this whole fucking town, but you won't find anything," He walked away laughing.
"This is horrible! I don't even know what to do anymore…" Wendy said, on the verge of crying.
"I know, Wendy," Craig said, getting closer to her, "It's all okay, we'll find it," Damn it, if he took one more step closer to her, I would punch him in the face. Luckily, he stopped right before he touched her, but Wendy had this certain look in her eye that she used to give me…
"Ok! Save the kisses for later!" Clyde said, before leaving the room.
"Clyde! Damn it, he left. Thanks, Craig!" I told him. Craig looked at me and paid attention. "We only have 3 hours before he shows this video, but what do we do?" We sat and thought for a good 30 minutes, but came up with nothing. We decided we kill Cartman and let it be, but then we decided we'd all be put in jail. We all went home except for Craig and Wendy who was concerned about this the most. I wonder what they were talking about, I hope he didn't make a move or anything. That would piss me off. But I have nothing to worry about, I don't give a shit about Wendy and Craig!