"We shall heal our wounds, collect our dead and continue fighting."
- Mao Zedong
"When you first got here, you asked me about my bruises. The answer I gave you is only half true."
Jarvis had stopped his curious exploration of the bookcases and turned to study the rugged biologist. It had been one of his routine daily visits to the Kaiju Studies floor, but something had been different this time. He remembered the conversation, of course, and the vague answer that Thor had given but had declined to press further. But now, it seemed as if he wouldn't have to. The blonde man across the room shifted a bit, from one foot to the other, as if trying to decide whether or not he actually wanted to go on with his story.
In the end, he had. And Jarvis wasn't entirely sure he was better for it.
He recalled Thor's exact words as the suit technicians hovered around him, attaching this and that piece of the drivesuit to his body. The spinal clamp was last, then the helmet over his head. Thor's voice echoed in his head as the space filled and emptied of relay gel.
"...Most everyone already knows about this, simply because they were there. A few months ago I managed to salvage an almost fully intact secondary brain, the most complete one yet. I was ecstatic, of course, and so was Bruce. He'd been thinking up this crazy idea about drifting with a Kaiju, but I never thought he'd ever attempt it. Eventually he stopped mentioning it and I assumed he'd realized it was too crazy-turns out he was just waiting for the right specimen to show up."
Back then he hadn't understood what that had to do with the bruises on Thor's arms. As he stepped into the Comm-Pod, taking his place on the right hand side and waiting for Tony to take the left, Jarvis still felt the weight of the conversation on his shoulders.
"I was out of the lab getting coffee, he'd been working on this device for weeks in secret. I think he knew i'd have tried to stop him if I found out. Anyway, he tried it. It didn't work of course, I still don't know what made him think it would work...I found him collapsed on the floor, seizing. Physically he was fine, for the most part. There we a benign few lesions in his prefrontal cortex, but we assumed they would heal with time. We hoped it wouldn't affect him permanently and started therapy sessions immediately. But something about his personality changed."
"All set, Jay?"
Tony approached his side of the cockpit and the techs finished connecting his drivesuit to the large arm-like structure, bolting him in to the Jaeger itself. Jarvis couldn't pinpoint when Tony had stopped calling him 'kid' and switched to 'Jay', but it didn't really matter. He could tell that Tony knew something was on his mind. Not that he had ever been exactly good at hiding his emotions.
"It's called Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which is a lot of big words that mean he gets really angry. Extremely angry. The smallest thing could set him off. The first time I saw signs of it was a few days after the incident. By the time he'd calmed down that first time we were short a computer and two keyboards. He had some control over himself though, because he hadn't come after me. That was only after we'd been working together for a few months."
"Of course, Sir." Jarvis responded hollowly, letting his mind drift far away from the Jaeger even as his body continued to prepare for their battle.
"Come on Jay, focus." his copilot said, now through the headsets within their helmets, "This is for real this time. We can't afford any screw-ups."
No surprise Tony could see straight through him without needing the insight of a neural link.
"Of course, Sir, sorry.."
"I think he broke something, a beaker or a stand, something like that. But he just lost it. Flipped a table, threw a few books, but that was normal by then. It was only when he grabbed the wrack of glass beakers that I stepped in. I guess he was still pumped up from the adrenaline when I did, because he…reacted. He couldn't do much damage, you've seen his size compared to mine." A small chuckle had escaped Thor's throat then, heavy and laced with unspoken pain. "I told people I'd gotten the black eye from falling on a Kaiju kidney stone."
"Okay, Kaiju Buster, neural handshake in 30 seconds." Rhodey's voice sounded inside both of them helmets.
And from there the AI took over the count, CARTER's soft feminine voice keeping perfect time until they would once again be in one another's heads.
"You don't have to tell me what's bothering you, I'll know in a few seconds. But whatever it is you've gotta shake it off." Tony's voice was a mix of stern and encouraging, he clearly didn't want to have gone through all this trouble just to have lost with a copilot who didn't pay attention.
"We've learned to deal with it since then. Less bruises, less outbursts, less property damage. I finally invested in a punching bag a few weeks ago...That doesn't exactly mean it's easy for either of us, that accidents don't happen. But we're managing, in our own way."
Jarvis took a deep, steadying breath, the sound of his exhale reverberating within his helmet. He forced his mind to focus, closing his eyes and letting himself fall back into the support of the harness as the AI's voice reached 10, then 5, then 0. It was then that the rush of memories came; snatches of memory danced before him at high speeds, teasing and tantalizing him to grasp onto any number of them and see where it lead, before the silence rushed in. The silence of the drift.
No, not so much silence. The bits of memory were quieter now, images and sounds and smells passed easily from one mind to another. It was a new, chaotic thing, unrelated images being passed back and forth without reason or thought. They were just loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough to allow both pilots to focus on the here and now, for Tony to feel the tension in Jarvis as Iron Jaeger was lifted up the helicopters and transported to just outside the combat zone. That was something he could understand, and it was that understanding that was passed back with a surprised sort of thankfulness in response.
Only five kilometers off the shore and they couldn't afford to let the Kaiju push its way any closer. Six hundred meters from the Kaiju signature the cables were released from their hooks with a snap and Iron Jaeger plunged into the choppy black sea below. Vantosa, the six legged 'giant blob lizard' of a Kaiju as Tony had so aptly put it, had shown up on the preliminary scans as an undefined, massive shape cutting through the oceans waters. It was only now, up close and personal, that they all saw what it really was; a huge shape with massive spikes jutted out of the frothing waves, each as thick as a man's arm. As the Jaeger approached the beast it curled in on itself, shielding its body.
"Oooh, so terrifying, it's an aquatic hedgehog." Tony taunted, "Let's blast this speedy little fucker before he knows what hit him."
"Repulsor blast, sir?" Jarvis replied, even as they raised their left arms in unison. He didn't need a reply, he hadn't really even needed to ask. The Jaeger responded in kind, hefting it's giant repulsor generator into the air and locking onto the creature. Holographic charts and screens popped up to incircle both their wrists, counting down as energy crackled brightly within the cannon and it prepared to fire.
The previously passive Kaiju leapt from the water, a giant spiked wrecking ball of Kaiju flesh flying towards them. The repulsor beam went wild in Buster's frantic attempt to dodge, but one of the support teams helicopters wasn't so lucky. A flash of fire and the previously helpful aircraft turned into a spiraling, bladed projectile that plummeted towards the dark water, trailing fire and shrapnel.
"Son of a bitch!" Tony cursed as a damage report appeared before them both, the deep scratches to the right arm showing up as red on a 3D rendering. There was a burning hot flash of pain shared between the two pilots, as well as a sense of something else. Jarvis couldn't quite place the feeling, a sort of sickness in his stomach, that had shot through him before it was squashed by a thought from the other end of the link: 'just collateral damage'. It was shock that overrode it all in the end, but the new pilot didn't have time to react to any of it before LOCCENT was in his ear again.
"Watch it Buster, it's coming around on your six!" Rhodey's voice through the headsets, the Jaeger quick to turn and face the enemy just in time to see it rise up mere feet from them.
Vantosa was now more than a vague spiney mass, it had uncurled itself along with standing upright, four arms unfolding from the center of its body in alarming unison. It was with those arms out stretched that it more fell on to then leapt at them in a sick facsimile of a bear hug.
"Woah, woah!" was Tony's alarmed shout as both tried to remain upright now with the added weight of the beast clinging to their upper body, both at once realizing that the close proximity made many of their weapons useless.
Jarvis, however, had managed to grab hold of one of it's foremost arms and was much too busy with the task of keeping it from piercing through Buster's head to comment.
"Don't let go, Jay, just hang on!" Tony requested as he raised up his fist, taking complete control of the right side as Buster began to viciously beat the Kaiju about the head, "Get off you stupid-"
The thing hissed in anger as it was assaulted, but it was what happened next that stopped Tony short. A moments pause occurred between blows, and it was then that the Kaiju righted it's head to focus a seven-eyed glare of hatred on them. It's mouth more unfurled in all directions then opened, revealing row after horrifying circular row of hooked teeth. Metal strained under the pressure as fangs dug into Buster's head and shoulders, alarms ringing throughout the Conn-Pod as if the urgency of it all wasn't apparent.
A moment of panic flashed through Jarvis, lighting hot and fast, before the wailing of the alarms and LOCCENT's constant chattering forced him back to the present. Making a snap decision he released the Kaiju's arm and instead brought the twin blades on either side of the repulsor to bare, this time the blows raining down on the beast's head sharp and piercing.
It screamed, high pitched and unearthly, as neon blue blood flowed freely from the wounds, mouth once again closing as it tore itself away from the attacking Jaeger. Buster once again stumbled, this time under the sudden subtraction of weight, but even through the jostling of the Conn Pod Jarvis managed to raise the repulsor and aim.
With his heart in his throat, he was forced to wait as the auto-targeting systems raced neck and neck against the charging generators, Tony's rising nerves of anticipation now nothing more than shadows in the back of his mind. Several deep breaths were taken to calm himself, what good would it do if he managed to fire and missed because of a shaky hand? Seconds later the crosshairs met on the sight of Vantosa rising up from the ocean to spearhead towards them, Jarvis wasting no time in firing. The beast was met halfway by a pulse of pure energy, the white light ripping whatever bits of Kaiju flesh it touched before burning itself out. But that was good enough, by the time the blast faded Vantosa was without half it's head, it's corpse falling into the depths of the ocean bleeding toxic gore.
"Kill confirmed, nice job you two." came Coulson's calm voice as Jarvis lowered a shaking hand, allowing himself to sag back into the harness and leave it to Tony to keep Kaiju Buster upright.
"Yes, job well done to the both of you. Come on back, Dr. Odinson and his salvage team can take it from here." the Marshall's tone was one of pride even through the speakers.
"Pretty intense, right? First kills usually are." his copilots voice overrode that of Fury, a half grin on his face when Jarvis looked over and the clear feeling of a job well done floating across the connection.
A nod would have to be a good enough answer for now; Jarvis was to out of breath and high on adrenaline to offer anything more.
The reception they got upon walking out onto the hangar floor was warm and celebratory; Jarvis felt innumerable hands patting him on the back and shoulders and voices both familiar and foreign congratulating him. Tony was clearly soaking it all in like a battery recharging, all of the fatigue and stress of battle slipped away under the praise of the crowd, even if it was more directed towards his younger compatriot. But Jarvis found the noise and energy draining, wishing for nothing more than to get his drivesuit off and find the nearest hot shower.
It was only halfway through the process that Jarvis recalled what he'd picked up in the drift, the thought that had been suppressed by Vantosa clinging to them. It wasn't until he and Tony had both reached their rooms that he was finally done with trying to bury his anger.
"'Collateral damage'? Is that what that support crew was to you?" his words seemed unprompted as he paused, hand on the metal surface of his door.
It was clear from the look on his face that he'd caught Tony off guard, but that didn't mean the older pilot was defenseless.
"Look, Edwin," his first name was like an insult from Tony's lips, "Just because you're in my head for a few minutes doesn't mean you get to tell me what I think."
"I don't need to, I heard you clear enough. Five men were in that helicopter and now their bodies are floating in the middle of the ocean, we both saw it happen. And yet you didn't pause even for one moment to care about them." the blonde man was sure in what he'd felt.
"If I had paused for even a fraction of a second, that thing would've ripped us to shreds. Sometimes you have to make a tough choice in our position. Yeah, they died and it sucked, but we don't have time to stop and bawl our eyes out over everyone that dies." the words surged forth with such tenacity that Jarvis could practically feel the other man's indignation.
"Stopping and 'bawling our eyes out' is different from giving them a thought, but you didn't even do that, did you? They might as well've been as valuable as the helicopter they died in. I knew you were an arrogant prick, I never knew you were heartless."
Tony let out a biting laugh, "Yeah, that's me, heartless Tony Stark. You've seen right through my facade. I'm actually a total bastard, pretending to be slightly less of a bastard while go around fighting giant aliens because I don't give a crap about anyone but myself."
He watched with suspicious eyes as Jarvis yanked his door open and stepped across the threshold, fully expecting him to just tuck tail and run. Tony Stark didn't lose arguments.
"No, it's much more simple than that. You're just cruel." The slam of the heavy metal door followed the retort, echoing through the hallway and leaving only silence in his wake.
Apparently he did.
The post-it note he found stuck to his door during a midnight trip to the bathroom only rubbed it in.
'So how are those bracelets coming along?'
The author didn't even need to sign it.
Jarvis had read enough psychology texts in his existing memory to know that, in truth, anger was just a symptom of something. A feeling of being useless, helplessness, fear, hurt; no one ever started out angry. But that didn't exactly make him feel any better.
He woke in a cold sweat, the bright green light of his digital clock almost mocking him with the early morning hour. He didn't jolt up right away; that only happened in old movies and novels. Instead he lay there for a few moments before a pervasive feeling of nausea forced him into a sitting position. His dream had vanished the moment he'd opened his eyes, leaving the lingering terror in it's wake and only a general idea of it's contents. Blood, rubble, cars covered in a thick layer of dust that only came from a collapsed building, the silence of streets deserted not by choice but by force.
He'd been angry at Tony because he'd been terrified. Five men had died, five living, breathing men with families and friends and jobs, just like the countless bodies he's seen strewn across the streets on his seemingly hellish trek out of San Francisco. And Tony had been able to brush it off with an ease that made him jealous; none of the nausea and bone chilling urge to run clung to his skin like the dirt and dust of the collapsed city had years ago.
In this case, anger was a symptom of fear and jealousy.
But that didn't make it any easier.
Notes:
Feel free to give feedback! Comments are appreciated. This was written for Brilcrist's Pacific Rim AU contest. We hope you stick around for the rest.
For questions, comments, etc. the authors' tumblrs are
-wintermoons
-libertybell