Amanda entered the ladies room, closed the door cautiously behind her, locked it, just to be sure, and let a deep sigh. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, her back supported against the door and she let her fingers sank in her hair.
She knew Liv had her hands full right now, so she would have the space she needed to herself and since she was in the safety of her privacy she let go and shed her tears. She used her hand to cover her mouth and block her voice so that she wouldn't be heard outside. She was devastated and couldn't control her anger.
Renowned for her ability to maintain her composure, the blonde always kept a poker face and learned from a very young age that she needed to be tough and collected to survive in this world on her own. It made her uncomfortable to express her deeper feelings in front of other people. In fact, she could not remember the last time someone saw her crying.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. She looked at the door, surprised that someone wanted to use the ladies room. "Who is it?" she yelled at the direction of the closed door, trying to sound normal and not let her voice give away that she's been crying.
"It's me". It was Fin's voice. "One second" she replied after clearing her throat as much as she could.
It was already hard enough trying to prove she was a tough cop, capable of leading an investigation and dealing with scary criminals. The last thing she wanted to do was look vulnerable and fragile in the presence of him or any of her other colleagues. She needed to pull herself together and act normal in front of Fin.
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. She started wiping the tears from her eyes and her cheekbones and she fixed her hair .She tried to catch her breath, then opened the door hesitantly and saw Fin standing there leaning on the wall.
Even though she tied really hard to avoid making eye contact with him, he could tell she was crying. Gazing down at her, he stood there before her without making a move towards her. He didn't have to say much.
He let her have her space. He hesitated for a minute and as he rested his hands on his waist he attempted to start a conversation.
"Look, I know this must be hard for you so I won't bother you with shitty advice about not letting the cases affect you ok?", he whispered.
Meanwhile, she opened the tap and threw water on her face. She looked at him through the mirror and still avoided looking directly in his eyes.
He approached her; touched her arm with his right hand and his voice became soft. "You ok? Do you feel ok? Do you wanna go and lie down?", he suggested.
"No, no, no I 'm just fine" she interrupted him. "I guess the strong coffee I drank this morning messed with my stomach. Don't worry, I'll live. I'll be fine, just give me a minute." she murmured.
Fin wasn't convinced by the reply. "You could use some rest, you look like hell right now, he said as he approached her. Well, I didn't mean you look ugly". He obviously didn't handle it the way he should have. He picked the wrong words and he wished he could take them back, but it was too late.
"I think it'd be wise for me to shut up now", he said in a humorous voice and he stepped away from her.
He was embarrassed but at the same time he wished his stupidity would make Amanda smile.
Raising her chin, the blonde forced a smile on her face and she responded that she was just fine but the soft, high-pitched, almost squeaky voice she spoke in, instead of her normal low-pitched firm and confident voice, made it more obvious to Fin that she was barely hanging on.
"Hey, look at me" he insisted as she came too close to her and she could no longer hide from him. He placed his hand on her shoulder and before he knew it he was exploring her back and he gently started to rub the back of her neck. He gently stirred her head towards his to take a better look at her face.
She looked into his hazelnut eyes and she didn't look away. She let him see her red eyes and her red nose and her heavy breathing would make her chest move up and down.
"Easy now, take a breath. It is ok to be sad and angry right now. Why are you trying so hard to hide it? It doesn't make you any less powerful".
Amanda scoffed while rolling her eyes. Then she let a small smile on her face and she touched Finn's arm while his palm was now on her cheek wiping a tear. She stopped breathing heavily and she was finally starting to calm down.
Fin was still staring in her eyes, studying her face. "If you want to talk you know I'm here for you right?" he told her while sending her a warm , understanding look that made her feel comfortable enough to share her feelings with him.
She smiled at him and nodded. He rubbed her cheekbone with tenderness and narrowed his eyes. "And we could start with the fact that you're a softball coach and I didn't know about it. What's with that?" he joked.
She wiped another tear with her sleeve, swallowed and began to explain, "Well I was a pro softball player before I became a cop. I've been playing since I could walk, actually. I played throughout my school years, then I got a scholarship and played college softball and a little bit after that." she revealed.
"Oh, good to know." He said while shaking his head. "Were you any good?" She chuckled and gave him a witty look. "The best; and I've got a shit-load of trophies to prove it." She bragged.
"Wow I guess I've been riding with a legend" he joked. "So why did you give that up?". Fin caught himself being really curious about Amanda's life before she moved in New York. He could sense there was a lot to learn about her and he was looking forward to it.
"Ugh, I had a car accident and it was really difficult to get back in shape after it. Amongst the other injuries, I broke my pitching hand all the way up to the shoulder. I was lucky to be alive, really. I guess it wasn't meant to be. So, here I am today," she shrugged.
"Not a lot of people know about it; you're one of the very few who do. Well, the only one in New York." Their eyes met again and they just starred at each other for a few seconds without talking.
There was something more she wasn't telling and Fin knew it, so he decided to give it a try and ask her. "Why do I get the feeling that this case didnt only upset you cause you knew this girl? He looked at her in a puzzled frown.
He was concerned and really anxious to hear Amanda's answer. He didn't wanna believe Amanda had more pressing reasons to relate to Erica and he hoped he was just reading too much into this matter.
She jammed her hands in her back-pockets and continued, "I don't know, it's just that I can see myself in her you know? She was supposed to have a bright future and she has been trying so hard against all odds to do well, get out of that neighbourhood, away from her family and make something out of herself. But there is always something…..someone holding us back." She let that sink in and added, "God works in mysterious ways huh? Life isn't always fair to those who deserve it."
Fin didn't make a sound and instead he tried to interpret her words. "Do you know what it is like to be struggling to achieve things other people take for granted?" she asked him. "And instead of getting help from people that are supposed to care about you, you get held back?"
This was the first time Fin got to hear Amanda talk about her past and he was puzzled by the things she was revealing so far. He wasn't sure what she was trying to say just yet but he was positive it was something that has been tormenting her for too long and it shocked him to see how well she could mask her pain.
'Well I did grow up in the hood so yeah I kinda get what you mean. Is that what happened to you? Did anyone in your life mistreat you? Did someone in your past cut your wings? "He rubbed her arm showing her she was safe and she could tell him anything.
As she took a deep breath and began to open up to him even more, someone knocked on the door and cut their conversation off at the most important part. It was more than obvious that Amanda had something more specific to share with him and he was dying to find out what it was cause it sounded really important.
He was irritated by this interruption and he would love to pick up from where they left their conversation but it was wiser to let things be for now.
"I guess I should go now." He announced. "This is the ladies room after all. I don't wanna get in trouble for being here. You just take your time and come out when you re ready ok?".
He gave her a warm smile and started walking out the door and she gazed straight in his hazelnut eyes and gave him a genuine smile.
"And hey, I would like to finish this discussion we started whenever you feel like it" , he added , wishing Amanda wasn't gonna go hide in her shell again and pretend that this conversation never happened.
With mingled feelings of embarrassment and relief Amanda looked at him and promised that they would talk again when they had the chance. It was almost like she was hoping deep inside that Fin would urge her to talk about the things she had in her heart.
She realized how desperately she needed a shoulder to cry on all these years and Fin was becoming the closest person in her life right now. She felt surprisingly comfortable around him and she could tell he was the right person to trust. He had been there for her before and he was there for her now too.
She wasn't used to being taken care off and it was a wonderful feeling. One that she didn't wanna get used to, for fear that it might not last for long.
She looked at her image in the mirror one last time, took a deep breath and followed Fin out of the bathroom.