Chapter 3

October

Monday October 2

8:08 am

Dad told me to take the bus this morning. I laughed in his face.

8:30 am

Penelope picked me up for school. She said, "Why didn't you take the limo? Or get your mum to drive you?"

I said, "Well Mum had to take Shane and Jason somewhere – who knows where – and Dad wanted me to take the bus."

"That will be the day when you take public transportation."

9:02 am

Late for first period. Didn't do my biology homework. On the bright side… wait. Just forgot what the bright side was.

11:23 am

Just remembered what the bright side of the day is. Mum's CD comes out tomorrow and we're going to a party tonight! How fun!

But wait… Mum fired Peter. Peter was supposed to plan the party. This might not be so good.

11:35 am

Texted Mum. She said that she hired a new personal assistant. His name is Gregory and he's off getting the cake right now. Gregory, eh? Can't wait to meet this guy.

1:42 pm

I should be taking notes in French right now, but what's the point? I know all this, after all. Haven't seen Luc at all today. Maybe he went back to France where he belongs. Damn Frenchies always fucking up my day.

"Je le lui donne. " (That's what she said.)

Tell me what I just said and I'll give you a million loonies. Which is actually a lot in American dollars.

2:01 pm

I got that song "Without Love" from Hairspray stuck in my head. Now I want to watch that movie. Without love, life is like the seasons without summer…

3:52 pm

I've decided that the school day is too long. I still have one more class period today. Damn bitch ass motherfucker.

4:22 pm

I'm counting down the days until Thanksgiving… eleven days.

5:30 pm

Mum's freaking out because she's running late for her own CD release party. Gregory is running around, trying to get Shane in to a tux – he refuses to wear it, get dressed himself, get Mum's dress, and feed the dog. And by dog I mean my cat Pierre who weighs as much as a small Labrador.

What a great first day, huh? This is like his training for what's going to come in the next couple of months.

Gregory told me to "put a sock in it, twerp" when I asked him how his first day was going.

How rude.

Mum finally hired a new limo driver too – first a new assisant, now a new limo driver? She's on a roll! – and so we went to the party in style instead of in the shit mobile. And thank the great lord, too, because what would the paparazzi think if we rolled in there with our beat up light blue minivan and my Mum came out of our littered backseat?

6:55 pm

The party so far has been really fun, I must say. There are about a gazillion and one people here and I decided to sit in the corner in a table to write in you, you damn diary.

When we arrived, paparazzi and their flashing cameras and also some of Mum's fans mobbed us. I found out that people – get this – have Googled me and know who I am.

I ran into this one girl who said, "Nate! Nate Gray!" And so I said, "Yes?" And she said, "Nate! I Googled you! I love you!"

So I just smiled, waved, and walked away.

What a creeper.

7:12 pm

Walked around a bit. A bunch of people I don't know randomly started talking to me. It kinda creeped me out.

I did, however, run into this one girl. She was sitting in the back of the room looking very depressed despite the excitement of the party. So I sat down in a chair next to her and she sighed very loudly, so I said, "You look depressed."

She said, "I always am."

"Why?"

"Because Dad's a frikkin' movie star and never spends time with me anymore."

"My mum tells me that she hates me and thinks I'm useless."

"Sounds like it sucks."

"It does."

Then she looked at me and said, "You're Lauren's son."

"Yes. Yes I am."

She said, "My dad's a huge fan of her music."

"That would explain why he got invited to this party."

"I guess."

And then Penny came over to us and slapped me really hard on the face and said, "That's what you get for calling Jason a fag, you fag! He told me all about it! It's okay to mess with Shane, but when you mess with Jason… oohhh…." Then she walked away.

My cousin and Jason are like best friends. They're the same age, which I guess would explain it.

So I sat there, slightly shocked. "Wow."

The girl giggled a bit.

I looked over at her and said, "My cousin is a crazy bitch."

"I bet I'm crazier."

We had an awkward silence and then I said, "I'm Nate Gray. You?"

"Caitlyn Gellar," she said.

And I was going to get to know her some more, but then Gregory pulled me away and said, "Be with your mum, it looks good to the press."

So I was pulled away from the girl without getting her number first. Which sounds awful again, but when we were eating the cake with my mum's CD cover on it – which was scrumdidilyumptious, by the way! – I saw Caitlyn again and I went up to her.

I got her cell phone number and her email! Score!

When she left – she had to leave early cause she and her dad were off to LA again – Penny came up to me, patted me really hard on the back – too hard, actually – and said, "Good job, little squirt. I'm glad to see you getting back out in the dating world again after that two-faced – literally – Miley-Hannah person."

So I said, "Who invited you anyway, Penny?"

8:56 pm

Still here at the party. Is it ever going to end? I will now resort to writing random things.

My life story (because, honestly, it's either I tell you my life story or fall asleep in this chair.):

I was born in a log cabin...

Actually, I was born in Canada in a hospital. I believe that it was snowing out, too. We lived in Canada for like a couple years, then moved to England because my mum's a diva and can't live in one country for more than a year.

So we lived in London while my mum was doing musicals there (Lion King was my favourite!) and my dad was flying planes (we owned our own private jet at the time which was fun.) Then we moved to America and lived in Texas - I don't know why Mum and Dad picked Texas of all places, but they did nonetheless.

So I was like the only one in my seventh grade class who had a British accent, so I was made fun of. Then we moved to Canada again and I went to an all-boy's private school. Which was a hoot. And then when my mum was on her fourth tour across the US, we stayed in Colorado for I think it was two days. Well my dad and I were driving around the Vail Village and then BAMMM!!!(Triple exclamation points for emphasis) some drunken guy hits us.

How great is that? So Daddeh went blind and had to quit his job as a pilot, and my mum canceled her tour and we ran off to... Montreal!! Whoo! And we kinda went in incognito for like a year (don't ask why we did, because I don't question Mum's motives) and then Mum went on her comeback tour and now Daddeh has his own limo driver. How fun! Now we live in the Beverly Hills of Texas - I voted for the REAL Beverly Hills but no-o-o-o - and I... write in stupid little diaries....

Don't know why I just wrote all of that.

9:35 pm

Feel like killing myself. I also feel like getting the hell out of this bloody tux and wearing some pajamas. Maybe I'll put on my little red feetie jimjams.

Don't tell anyone I just said that.

11:42 pm

I'm pretty sure that I've fallen asleep a couple of times. Penny has been keeping me awake by squirting water in my face.

I don't know where she got the water, nor do I want to know.

1:05 am

I think I've asked my mum more than ten times to take me home. Penny is still here with me and she's trying to keep me awake so I don't look like one of those people who can't stay up past midnight.

I'm one of those people, though, who does go to bed at eight.

3:46 am

There is a hump. It's around four in the morning. If you get past that hump, it's smooth sailing for the rest of the morning.

4:09 am

I am proud to say that I've gotten over the hump. Yes, we are still at the party. Mum is hanging out with all her pothead friends, and me and Shane and attempting to do the worm on the floor with Gregory.

Greg had a bit much to drink and so he's being all crazy right now.

4:26 am

I have such a horrible mum.

She might just be the worst mum in the history of the world.

Where is the child protective agency or whatever the hell it is when you need them?

My mum, yes, the one that shoved me out of her vagina to bring me into this world, just offered me some pot.

Does she not realize that I'm fourteen?

She and her pothead friends were all out in the ally way smoking, and I was standing there with them because Jason was asleep, and Gregory and Shane had passed out.

So there Mum was with her so-called "friends" smoking a joint.

Then she puked her guts out into a dumpster.

Great going, Mum. Can't wait to see that on the cover of People next week.