Rolling in the Deep
DaggersBloodPain
A/N The slash in this story will be slow to build, but intense once it hits, I hope you enjoy that approach as much or better than a jump in a bed five minutes after meeting kind of story.
Chapter Three
Lay It On The Line
Harry was busy doing everything in his power to appear like nothing at all was wrong with him, and yet he was still failing miserably. As much as he trudged on going to classes that he had no interest in, eating food that tasted like ashes, and keeping himself clean and organized he still couldn't get the eyes off his back. If he could only sleep, than maybe people would stop staring at him, he had never gone this long without decent rest. The previous years' visions and nightmares had been tame compared to this year. His grief, the assumed culprit by many outsiders, was only part of the problem. If it was only simple grief it would run its course and steadily get better, if anything this was getting worse as the days passed.
He was fully aware that if he ever wanted a good night's sleep again he would need to talk to someone soon, but he didn't want to go to the mind-healer the rest of the school was. With his luck he would be singled out for special treatment by the healer just so they could make a name for themselves because they cured Harry Potter of his 'horrible depression'.That didn't appeal to him one bit, and he ran that risk with just about any other healer he could go to as well, so for the time being he just kept going the best he could and hoped something would come around that he could either scream at or hex into oblivion. Maybe even both, yes both yelling and generalized destruction sounded quite nice to him. Those odd thoughts were proof enough he was getting enough sleep, normally he would at least attempt to quash those impulses, not contemplate giving into them.
At least he had a new Professor to think about, it helped to keep his mind off all the bad changes in his life if he focused on something routine. Shacklebolt was an interesting teacher. The man was tall and broad shouldered, he had a smooth limber build that suggested he was trained to fight in ways other than magic, his skin was the color of good chocolate, and his hair was twisted into tight spirals that barely brushed the tops of his shoulders. In age he looked to be in his early to mid thirties. As far as classes went, his were direct and to the point, he didn't try to tell them clever anecdotes or the like to get the student's thinking about how to use the spells he taught. He explained things well and proved his knowledge by always demonstrating the new spell, never once flubbing a casting, which was impressive for an Auror with no teaching experience. Harry imagined a few of the spells he showed the class hadn't been used since the Professor's own school days, but he still pulled them off.
He hadn't been expecting the man in question to ask him to come see him in his office after classes were over for the day. Harry didn't think he had done anything to get in trouble with Shacklebolt, but he really didn't know much about the man except he was an Order member and was normally an Auror, Harry didn't have a clue what his temperament was. He did hope it was better than Snape's was all he managed to think about as he trudged towards the office in question. His body moved sluggishly these days, another side effect from the lack of sleep, and he didn't like it one bit. He hated the feeling of vulnerability his half-asleep awareness put him in.
The door to Kingsley's office stood open, waiting for him to show up presumably, and Harry entered knocking on the door frame as he passed so he didn't startle Shacklebolt too badly, who had his back to the room looking out the window.
"Come in Mr. Potter, you're right on time thank you for coming." Kingsley invited Harry into the office, turning away from the window as he did so, leaving Harry to wonder why a trained Auror would put his back to an open door where anyone could walk by and try to harm him. As if knowing what Harry was probably thinking, he explained easily "I used the reflection in the window, I can see who is in the hallway quite clearly."
"That makes sense." Harry responded, just because he felt he should say something, rather than stand around like a statue.
Shacklebolt's first question was unexpected enough to shock Harry out of his fog for the moment. "Harry do you have any idea why I asked you to come here tonight?"
"No, I assumed it had something to do with class." Harry admitted, now feeling a bit insecure, though Shacklebolt couldn't do anything to harm him and get away with it, Harry's Transfiguration class had all heard the Professor ask Harry to stop by.
It didn't help Harry's nerves any when the Professor crossed the room and firmly closed the office door before speaking."I wanted to let you know a few things about why I was chosen for this position, a large bit of it had to do with you and I believe you have the right to know what is going on." Kingsley started carefully, it was hard to make this conversation into anything that didn't resemble coercion, and he really didn't want to do that to Harry. This was about getting Harry to trust him, and by extension the Ministry, Kingsley knew trust could not be formed on lies no matter how well intentioned they were.
Harry was even more surprised at that. "You mean I am actually going to be told about something that concerns me before it lands me in the Infirmary?" If Harry had been in better control of his faculties he may have handled that differently, but it was too late to take the statement back.
"Yes, I figured if you are grown enough to be a focal point in this war," Seeing Harry's indignant expression after that statement Kingsley had to do some fast talking, "Now don't give me that look. We both know you are expected to be a part of the solution, and that you were being pushed into it by the magical world in general and groomed by Dumbledore, it isn't hard to figure out. What I was going to say is that if you are going to be a part of the war, than you had better be strong enough to handle the information that tells you exactly which part of the war you may be involved in. I will tell you flat out, no one, not even the Minister himself can force you to fight if you don't want to. You have to chose to fight for any of what I tell you to matter. I do still think you deserve to know what is happening even if you do chose to bow out of the fighting." Kingsley hoped he recovered from his bad start, if Harry assumed he was just another war monger trying to force him into the fight he might not even listen to anything further Kingsley had to say.
Harry wasn't sure exactly what to think about Shacklebolt yet, but figured if the man wasn't lying than Harry would be a fool to stop him from speaking now. "Alright, I will listen to what you have to say. I am making no promises to agree with you though." He figured that was a safe enough response.
"To begin with you need to know the Minister is interested in you. He doesn't want to know about the things that get written up in the papers, but the reality of how powerful you are, and how temperamental. He would like to work with you now that Dumbledore can't be here for you. Scrimgeour is a fair man, tough, but fair and I personally think he is worth hearing out at least before you make any hasty decisions based on prior encounters with the Ministry. A lot of things have changed since your trial last year." Here Kingsley paused to let the information sink in.
He continued talking after Harry gave a nod of understanding."The second part you need to know is from both the Ministry and the Order, Albus left the running of the Order in the hands of myself, Severus, and Minerva. The problem with this is my orders from the ministry are to keep an extremely close watch on Severus, and my position at the Ministry and here could be compromised if I am found to be 'in league' with him. If I am going to carry out both my duties I need people to act as a buffer between Severus and myself, adults will be watched, students will be much less suspicious. This is once again your choice, but at least I can tell you exactly what you will be expected to do if you say yes." Kingsley stopped there, the rest was up to Harry.
"Ok, so the way I have it understood is you are here working for the Minister trying to get information on me, and make sure Snape is really what he says he is. Three of you were left in charge of the Order, and now your duties for the Order are conflicting with the assignment from the minister. You want me to help you maintain your position in the Order at the same time you are encouraging me to talk to the Minister about working with him for the war. Did I leave anything out?" Harry was a tad overwhelmed to say the least.
"That seems to be the main bits of it yes. Harry listen, when the dust settles on the battlefield the Order and the Ministry will be on the same side. They always did have the same goals, protecting the populace, admittedly under Fudge that was nearly impossible to do on the Ministry's part. Yet those few good men and woman did fight together with the Order in the first rise. The main difference is the Ministry makes laws to help, and the Order works around them. I am not split in my loyalties by supporting both sides, and neither would you if you chose that path. A bonus to working openly with the Ministry would be far more maneuvering room than with the Order, you can't be arrested for following the Minister's orders." Kingsley tried to explain as well as he could.
"Wait, if you don't have split loyalties than why the secrecy with Snape?" Harry really didn't understand.
Kingsley sighed a bit there,"My loyalties are not the problem. I believe in the long run I will be thanked for following this course of action, it is just while it is happening there is the need to tread carefully. I did the same thing while heading the investigation for Sirius, I mislead the team, because in the end if I had let an innocent man go back to jail I would be failing at my job. Auror's are meant to protect the innocent, not lock them away."
"I think I am starting to understand, I would like a little time to think before I become your gopher, but I promise I will seriously consider both things you told me about." Harry promised, getting ready to leave and find somewhere to think.
"That is all I can ask, thank you, I know it is a lot to deal with." Kingsley agreed, and watched as Harry left his office. The entire time they had spoken, Harry had stood tensely in the middle of the room, as if afraid to let down his guard, and even worse was the signs of exhaustion on him were startlingly clear. Kingsley couldn't help but start to worry about Harry Potter, something was going horribly wrong in the young man's life, and Kingsley wondered if he shouldn't track down the source. If Harry was going to fight he need to be strong, all he looked like now was a apparition.