In the Penalty Box
While the penalty box applies to hockey, I ended up there during Monday night's game. I waited until half time to start talking. She disappeared into her room and came back about five minutes later. I had gotten us both a fresh beer and sat them on the table.
Sonja I know we have worked hard to forgive and forget but I want to finish that conversation that we started in the cemetery." "Oh shit LaSalle, I knew there was an alternative motive here. Why in the hell would you want to reopen that topic? Didn't it cause enough pain when it actually happened?" Well, I'm regretting this now "because the wound is still oozing Sonja." "Now where did you get that babble from LaSalle?" "You know how nosy your damn roommate is and Rita Devereaux cornered me last week about us". "There is no 'us' Chris, you have made that abundantly clear" Sonja says as her voice escalates. "Well, I think you're being selfish. I had a different weekend. I put my old partner on a plane and I don't what's going to happen to him. I had no idea he wanted more from me than just friendship. I spent the entire weekend grieving him and you both.
I look up in shock. "Don't look at me like that Chris. I fell in love with and you well know it." I see the tears starting to flow from her eyes and now I feel like a complete creep. I should have known that this conversation would dissolve into this scenario.
She did let me hold her. I cannot allow myself to enjoy her being in my arms. "I'm sorry to upset you but I thought we needed clear the air. I am still struggling with this decision Sonja. I still think it's best for us but I find myself questioning if it was right. If Rita and Tammy can see it, it must be still affecting us.
What's so hard Sonja is that we are so good together. How many times do we say the same thing and the same time from the same thought process? We don't even think about how we clear a room any more. We automatically take the proper stance and motions without verbally communicating a word to the other. But then the next day we have a blow up and you stay mad for hours. The next thing I know, you've volunteered to go off on another project leaving me and Tammy there with her in an information void. How could we bring that in our home each night? You have to admit it would be hard?"
"Look Chris you decided for the both of us. Let's just drop it and continue to be the best team member that we can be."
She turns and starts walking toward the balcony. "You can show yourself out 'Sundance' she says over her shoulder "and just know I will never stop loving you."
While I stumbled a step at her confession, I saw no worthwhile reason to turn back around. I had managed to inflict another serious wound to my own self with this escapade. I know that I love her too and I am left wondering if the agony in my own heart will ever go away.