sometimes, buffy didn't feel like an adult. sometimes she felt like a teenager who was in way over her head. now, she sat on the closed toilet with the bathroom door locked, crying. she had stopped at the drug store on her way home from patrol ad slipped the small cardboard box into her pocket. she hadn't wanted to steal it but if the wrong people saw her buying a home pregnancy test, she could be in danger.
now, her hand holding the white stick with the bright pink stripe was shaking. she missed willow desperately, but it was the middle of the night in england and a week night. she knew her wiccan friend would forgive her but buffy also knew she could wait for a better time to call. first she had to tell giles. what was she going to tell giles? he knocked lightly on the door.
"buffy, is something the matter?" he said through the door. she had seen his shadow pacing back and forth in front of the door for almost ten minutes.
"everything's fine, i'm just finishing up." she said, trying to make her voice sound clear and calm.
"okay." he said, and he heard his footsteps recede and the mattress noises of him climbing into bed. she wrapped the stick and its packaging in toilet paper and splashed some cold water on to her face. she didn't know how to tell him. slayers didn't have children or live this long or sleep with their watchers or raise teenagers. slayers fought and died and were reborn. she was doing it all wrong, she knew, and every step she took made her less and less of a slayer.
"are you coming to bed now?" giles asked, closing his book and opening his arms for her.
"sure." she said, and slid in beside him.
"do you miss willow?" he asked.
"yes," she said and started to cry. even though she did miss willow, she would use her best friend as an excuse to cry on her lover's shoulder.
xander moped around, missing willow. everyone had come to the same conclusion that xander needed to get over anya's death so he could get a girlfriend. the house felt too empty now that willow had crossed the pond to further her education. her room was a guest room now, but no one ever slept there or went inside. everyone was waiting for her to come back.
"i was thinking of maybe going away for a while." xander said, from the doorway of dawn's room. the younger summer's woman looked up, startled.
"going where?" she asked.
"i'm not really sure. visit willow, maybe, and then go wherever the wind takes me." he said.
"what did buffy say?" dawn asked, sitting on the edge of her bed and xander came to sit next to her.
"i haven't told them yet." he said. "i wanted to see what you thought first."
"i understand. it's been kinda ho-humsville around here." she said. "we all miss willow and buffy and giles have been all smoochies." she said. "pretending like that's not weird."
"it was a little weird at first, but it makes a sort of sense you know?" xander mused and dawn shrugged.
"i guess. i mean, i love giles and it's better then riley or spike."
"maybe you should come with me." xander said, softly.
"what?"
"well… schools over in a few more weeks and i think willow would be happy to put us up for a little while." he said. he had a connection with dawn. they understood each other with being just normal people and all, sometimes not having a place. when xander thought about leaving, it was dawn who he thought he might miss the most. "we could tell buffy that it's a college trip… and that doesn't even have to be a lie! we could look at oxford with willow and any other school you want." he said hopefully.
"you don't have to convince me, xander, there is nothing more i'd like but buffy will never go for it." she said.
"go for what?" buffy asked, sticking her head in. "i was just a-walkin' by and i hear me-talk."
"nothing." dawn said, standing and resuming hanging up her clean clothes.
"it's not nothing." xander said. "we were talking about going to europe. i was talking about going to europe and i thought maybe dawn would like a summer vacation. we could look at schools and visit will." he said. buffy's face looked blank.
"you want to take dawn to europe?" she asked, finally. "for the summer?"
"it's an idea." xander said.
"do you want to go?" buffy asked her sister.
"yeah," dawn said. "it would be fun."
"well… i'm not paying for any of it." buffy said, and walked away.
"wait!" dawn called, "was that a yes?"
buffy woke up to a kiss on her forehead and dinner on a tray.
"what's all this?" she asked, stifling a yawn.
"dinner. i know you haven't been feeling well." he said. "look, a picked a daisy from the bulbs you planted."
"i love daisies." she said, sitting up.
"i know. are you feeling better?"
"i feel fine." she said, sitting up and looking at him. "why?"
"well, dawn said you were acting pretty out of it earlier though she didn't say why. and, also, i heard you throwing up this morning." he admitted.
"bad food, i think." she said, reaching for her tray. "but i'm fine now."
"i heard you yesterday morning, too, buffy." she didn't respond to this. she hadn't had a period in three months but she'd always been so irregular. she exercised so hard and was always so stressed out that she never really worried about it before. then the throwing up started and she felt tender everywhere and food starting making her nauseous. she'd sat at the new computer xander had bought after willow took her laptop and looked up pregnancy symptoms and then stolen the test and now she was just waiting. she didn't know what for.
"don't be angry, okay?" she said. "i'm fairly certain i'm pregnant."
"why would i be angry?" he asked, pulling her into a hug.
"we didn't talk about it. i know slayers and babies aren't the norm and its going to affect dawn and the gang and hello, sunnydale isn't exactly the safest place for any living thing." she rambled.
"buffy, i'm not young. i don't have to tell you that. you're the slayer. this might be our only chance." he said. "don't you want it?" her face crumpled, and she nodded. "good." he said. "eat your dinner, now. i know how you 'forget' to eat all the time and you can't be doing that now. i'll go downstairs and make a doctors appointment." she nodded. downstairs, he picked up the phone and called the doctor. picking up the phone again, he called willow.
"it's giles." he said, his voice somber. "i need you to do something for me."
dawn's room was in shambles. every article of clothing she owned was either in her black suitcase or in a wrinkled head on the floor. she stood in the middle of the formidable mess with despair.
"boy do you pack like your sister." giles said, standing in her doorway with his tea, chuckling. "be sure to leave some space in your bags for the things you buy." he said and she looked at him with narrowed eyes.
"not helping." she seethed.
"sorry." he said and wandered away to his bedroom across the hall. "how is this summer's woman doing?" he asked buffy who was laying on her back on the bed trying to button her skinny jeans to no avail. she looked at him and burst into tears.
"dawn's going away for two and a half months with xander and i can't fit into my skinny jeans. how do you think it's going?" she wailed.
"oh for christ's sake." he muttered, turning to go downstairs where he saw xander sitting quietly on the sofa, attacking a bag of cheesy chips.
"i find that if you don't make any sudden movements, they leave you alone." xander said, patting the cushion next to him.
"i hear you." giles said, looking up the stairs where he could hear dawn's door slam and her cry of frustration. "xander, i want to ask you something but i don't want you to be offended if i am mistaken." giles said, cautiously.
"okay." xander said, looking slightly apprehensive.
"dawn is… not a child any longer." he said. "if you think about it, dawn never was a child in the conventional sense and from the time she was fully human, her life style hasn't been one to keep her young."
"she's very mature." xander agreed, focusing on his chips.
"we all love dawn. she is buffy's sister, she's like a daughter to me. she's a good friend of willow's and spike was some sort of white night for her. it occurs to me, however, i'm not certain what dawn is to you." he said, pointedly.
"dawn is… like me. she's not a hero. we don't have super powers or big brains or were once or are currently a demon. i can relate to dawn." he said, turning the television off and setting the bag of chips down.
"dawn is a woman now, is what i'm trying to say, and you've asked her to go away with you for the summer. i don't want her to get hurt, or you. i don't want you to lead her on, xander. if you love her as you say you do, then i think that is okay. she is not to be a rebound for anya or a conquest of any sort."
"giles, i would.. i could never… dawn is… she's… i love her and…" he couldn't even speak.
"good." giles said. "now i am going to risk life and limb to go see if buffy has buttoned her pants yet." with a slight smile, he went upstairs.
in his bedroom, he saw dawn and buffy on the bed, hugging and crying. sighing, he decided to take a walk and let the house settle its self.
buffy decided not to come to the airport when giles drove xander and dawn to LAX. she'd been crying for two days straight and thought that saying her goodbyes in sunnydale would be easier and much less time consuming. the plane left at seven a.m. so it was still dark when the little red bmw pulled out of the driveway overloaded with people and luggage. buffy stood on the porch with a shawl wrapped around her (she was always cold these days) and waved, tears streaming down her face. things were going to be different, everything was changing and she could feel it in her bones, in her teeth, in the very tips of her fingers.
dawn slept in the back, her head on xander's suitcase. no one said much, xander kept changing cd's and radio stations. giles drummed his fingers on the steering wheel along to the beat and hummed and the humming lulled xander asleep as well.
he could no longer walk them to their gate, so he pulled up to the curb to help them unload their luggage and hug them goodbye.
"please call when you arrive, and write." he said, hugging dawn close to him.
"we will, giles." she promised, yawning and moving close to xander.
"i love you both very much." he said, his voice raspy. he never thought he'd be sending someone off to england. it had always been the other way around. "and buffy does too. just think of how pregnant she'll be when you return." he said. the words hung in the air. their tickets were one way, the flight back to be decided and bought later. something inside him had a nagging feeling that, perhaps, they wouldn't come back.
"i love you, too." xander said, hugging him.
"you can't help who you love." giles whispered into the younger man's ear. "the summers women, my lord, help us all." xander laughed, wiped his eyes, picked up luggage and then they were gone. giles, watched dawn's small frame disappear into the crowd, then got into his car for the long drive home.