(This is almost a year and one full literacy level later for me. It may not suck as bad as the past two chapters.)
Our hero, or rather, sadistic maniac as it is in this little anecdote, now stood at the great stone door of Bowser's threatening castle.
He wiped the gooey pirhana plant entrails from his eyeballs. He might have thought something like "Aight, now it's time to straight up KILL a mothafucka", but considering Mario has no thought bubbles, we may never know...still. The short Italian mustered up all his strength and slammed his white fist into the stone door, an action he quickly regretted. A long stream of obscenities poured profusely from his mouth, and he shook his mangled fist in the air. In pure rage he picked up a severed pirhana plant head by the stem, and with his working hand, pounded it again and again on the door. Acidic brain muck sloshed all over the ground and anything within ten feet, but still Mario continued releasing hellish fury on the door.
Kammy Koopa was watching from her 1800-dollar-a-month rented apartment tower in Bowser's castle, weeping into a purple handkercheif. "Noooo! I CANT WATCH IT!!! Bill! Bill!!!" Kammy Koopa dared to look up from her crying and saw Mario, still furiously deforming the pirhana plant...or Bill...with surges of primal fury. How could he desecrate the body of such a fine pirhana plant?
Mainly because I am running out of literary worth, I am going to do a quick little narrative jump.
Kammy Koopa got sick and tired of seeing her love affair venus fly trap being turned into a chunky milkshake that she went down the stairs of her tower apartment and confronted Mario.
Mario was considering giving up. He had counted, three hundred sixty-three times, slamming the head of the god-forsaked thing into the door, and nothing good had come out of it. Frowning, he pulled it over his shoulder again, figuring he could get it to four hundred before he stopped. But just then, the door slid open, sideways, with a great scraping. A wrinkly Koopa head with a pointy hat poked out from behind the door. Mario was quite surprised. "Get out of her, Klu Klux Koopa!" So the little racially insensitive Koopa made his way out.
THEN, Kammy Koopy came to the door, all but foaming at the mouth in rage.
Mario formed an inquisitive look on his cartoonish mug, and was thinking something like "Daaaaaamn sucka', who took a shit on yo girll?"
As if reading his mind, Kammy Koopa pointed a wrinkly old finger a Mario and screamed "You hideously brutalized my baby's daddy!!!"
As is the custom, Mario allowed a good fourteen seconds of awkward silence before running up to the sorceress and implanting a rusty blade into her unrealisticly sized eyeballs. He ground it into her skull, as the blood flowed down her robes and onto his gloves, squirting up in the air like a Kool-Aid fountain. Her hideous, shrill screams reverberated off of the foyer of the castle. Mario coninued working the knife into her skull, flicking it backward and forward, bits of skull and brain and koopa flesh splotching the ground like provocative modern art.
Only more...flesh.
After a good few seconds, Kammy stopped moving, and leaked blood from her enormous head wound-- which encompassed her entire head--, still with the awkward finality of death. Still crazed with a crazy smile, like some mad butcher from hell, Mario licked the knife slowly, delighting as the blood trickled down his throat. Then he proceeded to get on his knees and saw Kammy Koopa's hideously mutilated head off of her body. In a few moments, he succeeded and began feasting upon it.
Well, pretty soon the ToadTown Insane Asylum found him there. Their squat but intellectual forces crouched behind dead pirhana plants and bushes around Bowser's castle. "Jeezus," said one Toad," I've never seen anyone this crazy." Mario noticed, and looked up form his sick snack, looking around with a feral growl behind his moustached lips. "Now!" shouted a Toad behind a bush. Tranquilizers and guns full of multiple strong sedatives poked out from various hiding places and before he could draw his gun, Mario was covered in needles and feeling very sleepy.
He fell on the ground, on top of one of his knives.
Needless to say, it (of course), impaled his body, and he bled to death, never noticing the wound.
TOAD TOWN TIMES OBITUARIES, CASE 34
Mario Lopez
(Theres a picture of Mario's tenth grade yearbook picture here)
Our Beloved Mario Lopez died on this fateful day
by a blade impaling his fat plumbing body,
the murderer being none other than himself,
after going insane on everyone and killing
several innocent creatures.
In memory of Mario, the Toads built a big golden statue of that part in Rocky where he's punching the meat.
But then again that probably had nothing to do with Mario.
Oh well.
Is it over?...Maybe not.
Stay tuned for the next installment of THIS STORY!!