Ziva walked into Abby's lab after not finding anyone in the bullpen. She found McGee and Gibbs there, standing on either side of Abby. They were silent as they turned to see her come in. Ziva saw that Abby had been crying. McGee looked defeated. Gibbs… Ziva couldn't even decipher the expression on his face, but she knew he could not be happy.
"What is going on?" Ziva asked tentatively. "Who died? Where is Tony?" Ziva's heart began to beat faster as she feared the worst.
"He's fine," McGee said hesitantly, then looked to Abby.
Abby stepped forward and drew Ziva into an embrace. "Tony said he should have protected you. He said he made too many mistakes," She whispered.
With a sniff, Abby pulled away from Ziva who stood there numbly. Her eyes fell upon the package addressed to her on the table beside them. "He wanted me to give that to you,"
Ziva picked up the box and walked out of the room, not stopping until she reached Ducky's lab. The only person around was Palmer who had made a dash for the door when he saw her expression. She walked over to a table, turned on the overhead light, the only light in the room, and opened the box.
Inside, she found envelopes. There must have been over a hundred. They were all addressed to her, with Tony's contact information in the corner. There were even a number of stamps in the corners, but they had never been postmarked.
Dear Ziva,
This may be the only time in my life when a move reference hasn't come to mind.
It's my fault that Jenny's dead. It's my fault the team was split up. Ziva, I am so sorry. If only I had listened to you...
I remember our first real conversation, right after Kate died. It was raining and you had found me in front of the hotel. You had known I was tailing you since you left the Navy Yard. I should have known. You were right. You always are.
-Tony
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Dear Ziva,
I miss you. I miss the whole team. It sucks being here. I even miss Probie—can you believe it?
It seems like my life is one giant regret. Nothing ever went right for me. I was disinherited when I was 12. My dad was an idiot, and my mom? Well, she was the one who married the idiot. What do you think that says about her?
-Tony
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Dear Ziva,
Jeanne was a mistake. I shouldn't have fallen in love with my undercover op. It was a stupid thing to do. A probie mistake. I'm an idiot.
You know, I wonder if it really was love. Maybe it's just because she was the first woman I'd ever committed to. I guess I don't know what love is like.
-Tony
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Dear Ziva,
Being on this ship sucks. I'm on the Seahawk now. I spent a month on the Reagan total. It was like watching grass grow. No, I've got a better one. It's like being on a stakeout.
I've got a lot of time to think though. Lucky me.
Maybe I need a headslap from Gibbs… I really have gone off my rocker, haven't I? (Try using that idiom on all your Mossad friends. They'll get a kick out of it. Ooh, there's another one for ya.)
I'm trying not to blame myself for Jenny's death so much. Or drink. To tell ya the truth, the second one is a heck of a lot easier.
When I was a kid, I had this friend, Nicky. Well, he was more like a cousin of a cousin of an uncle or something, but you get the idea. We were best friends—we'd ride our bikes all around town and play basketball until it was too dark to see and then wake up early to shoot even more hoops. When we were thirteen we were just hanging out at the park, not doing much of anything, when a bunch of guys drove by and just started shooting. We were all freaking out—it was summer, so there were a lot of people there. A couple minutes went by and the guys in the car left, but when I looked over to where Nicky was standing, he was on the ground, dead. I just stood there staring at him, long after the police came. They never did find out who did it.
That's why I became a cop.
-Tony
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Some of the letters were pages long. Others were only a few lines, jotted down quickly. As Ziva read through them in the silence of autopsy, tears fell slowly. With each letter, Tony became more personal. Honest. He told stories from his childhood, his years working in various police departments, the antics of his crazy family, and his time at Ohio State. Each letter, though, had regret weaved throughout the words. It was obvious, especially to Ziva. She read through them as fast as she could without missing a sentence or meaning, yet somehow each letter seemed to pass slowly, even the short ones. Ziva laughed and smiled as she read the words written by the one and only Tony, but her heart ached when she read how much he had gone through in his life.
It was the second to last letter that stopped her in her tracks, and the tears really began to fall. This was so unlike her, so unusual.
Dear Ziva,
I really don't even know if I should write this. But then I thought about Gibbs and Jenny. Jenny died before they ever got their second chance. They had it, it was right in their reach, but they waited too long. After all those years, they had another chance to make things happen. You and I could both see how much they were still in love, even after so long. Gibbs would probably never admit to it, but she meant the world to him. I'll bet I'm not the only one who blames myself for her death.
I don't want to end up like Gibbs with the boat, basement, and bourbon. I get it now, but I know that's not what I want. I don't wanna die alone like Jenny. I want to come home to someone ever day. I want to have someone to bring flowers to just because and someone who will get what I do. Jeanne… She could never have been that. She wanted someone I couldn't be. And you know what? I can live with that. I want to be someone's hero without having to change who I am. I want someone to love me and respect me.
Ziva. I want you. You made me the man I never thought I could be. You had faith in me when I thought I couldn't do it and you… I don't even know how to say it. You changed me. Before I met you, I was a kid, interested only in pretty faces and one-night stands. Life was a joke. And now? I've got a reason to live—really live. At least, I want to.
There's no movie quote, no song that could ever tell you how much I think I love you. There, I said it. I hope McGemcity will be happy. But I hope it makes you even happier.
-Tony
Ziva was stunned.