a/n: okay, to the Guest user who was concerned about Regina's unprovoked violent attack on Robin, hopefully this chapter will clear things up a little bit! (thank you for the honesty because I genuinely thought that comment through. the whole idea of Regina punching Robin came from season one when short-tempered Regina punched Emma out in front of the Mills Crypt... I figured that would work here too).
I do realise that this is off to a slow start but let's be real here peeps; all the best swanqueen fics are slow burn... aren't they? ;)
Enjoy! x
(I do have tumblr, but I'm constantly changing my URL around. if you're a friend from Bad Teachers, my URL used to be ant1ers, but you can now find me at pinetrees-andmountains-please. chances are, I will be changing it AGAIN idk when.
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Regina usually had an uncanny sense when it came to the whereabouts of Tina Midas, particularly if the woman was standing outside her office banging her fist on the thick wooden door. The librarian was grateful she had a white credit card looking security device attached to a belt loop in her grey pencil skirt; with a quick flourish on the thing, the door would beep and open up, and only allow her in. She was especially grateful for the fact it didn't let in pissed off best friends who were demanding why she hadn't replied to their onslaught of passive-aggressive texts.
Regina smiled at herself as she went about stamping files and signing her name under each imprint.
"Regina, open this door!"
Regina continued to hum as if the only sound she could hear was the soothing noise of her Fountain pen scratching against the paper. Tina jiggled the door handle but to no avail; the brass doorknob staying firmly in its place thanks to the Library's security cards.
"Regina Marie Mills open this damn door or so help me God,"
As the librarian leaned over her desk to switch on the small grey portable radio she had beside her lamp – in attempts to drown out Tina and her thumping – she heard the sound of a key card being swiped against the lock.
"No," Regina grunted, glaring at the heavy door as it swung open against the thick carpet. The opening door revealed the two people Regina would rather not deal with right now; a towering Director Gold using one hand to lean his weight against his gnarled wooden cane, and the other holding a security card just like Regina's. Beside him a rather tiny Tina Midas stood with her hands planted on her hips.
"Cheers Uncle Gold," Tina stormed into Regina office as the old man gave the other librarian strained smile.
"No worries dearie let me know if I can do anything else,"
Regina glowered at her boss as Tina cleared her throat.
"I see that you're using your family ties, once again I might add, to break into my office," Regina flicked her hair back as Gold hobbled out of sight.
"First time was a prank, but this time it's serious," Tina sat down in the plush chair on the other side of the librarian's desk, "I've got some questions about Robin,"
"What did that sleaze ball say about me now?"
Tina did a double take; she wasn't used to Regina calling the apparent 'love of her life' a sleaze ball.
"Well…" Tina scratched at an itch behind her ear as she tried to word it as delicately as possible; knowing full well her best friend could easily go off like a volcano that was one minor Earth shift away from completely annihilating a civilisation.
"Spit it out, no need to beat around the bush dear," Regina pressed the tips of fingers together and rested her elbows on the oak desk.
"Well, you don't return my texts, you don't answer my calls and I've got a mopping Robin Locksley telling me you punched him out,"
Tina swore she saw Regina's left eye twitch.
"I punched him in the nose," Regina corrected as she busied herself with finding something to distract herself with. She settled with a box of colourful paperclips to empty and assort into coloured piles.
"Shit… okay," Tina puffed out her cheeks, "why?"
"Oh, he didn't tell you?" Regina sneered, making another pile for a rogue purple paper clip.
Tina gave her a 'duh' look, "Obviously not, that's why I'm here,"
"Oh," Regina picked up the purple paper clip and an email she printed out earlier this morning and clipped it in her diary that lay open beside her, "he cheated on me," she stated coolly.
Regina waited a few seconds before looking up to gauge her friend's reaction. Tina sat frozen, her eyebrows dancing dangerously close to her hairline and her mouth slightly agape.
"Well fuck me," Tina exhaled,
"I'd prefer not to," Regina smirked as she wrote today's date on the top of the email,
"How are you not… like, a mess?"
"Because I've wanted this relationship to end since about a year ago dear," Regina admitted, "A year ago I was a mess, but not now,"
"Huh; totally explains why you went off your rocket and went to that firing range that July," Tina mumbled, her eyes zoned out and far away.
Regina smiled, "shooting things is highly therapeutic,"
"To a fucking psychopath; Christ Regina," Tina rubbed her temples as she tried to make sense of the situation, "where are you staying at the moment?"
"Granny's Bed and Breakfast,"
"Wait, that woman does coffee and has a motel? Talk about variety,"
"I was going to ask you if I could stay but…" Regina shrugged her shoulders,
"Yeah, Kathryn and Emma are kind of momentarily taking over my house, sorry,"
"It's perfectly okay my dear," Regina swatted her hand, "anyway, how is that all going?"
That's all it took for Tina to completely forget she was meant to be here both walloping Regina's arse and consoling it, and went off on a rant.
"I'll tell you what, Kathryn has got more stuff that you and I combined; like my lounge room is purely Kathryn and my bedroom is all Kathryn and the bathrooms… don't even get me started on the bathroom; who owns that much makeup?" Regina let Tina continue as she marked off dates in her diary, "…poor Emma, she has about three boxes and they're stacked in the garage. Kathryn's not even here yet and Emma has to climb over and through her shit to get to her own shit,"
"Wait, Emma's already here?"
"Yeah, rental kicked her out a month early by accident; poor thing,"
Regina lifted one eyebrow as she pulled a thin pile of files from her in-tray, "why doesn't she just stay with her… boyfriend?"
Regina had this all sort of planned out. Usually she was the queen of well executed plans, but after her messy break up with Robin which happened almost four days ago, a tiny, maddening little idea popped into her head. It was like that annoying last corn kernel that sat at the bottom of the popcorn bag. Regina figured the more she ignored it, the less likely it would pop into a magnificent piece of butter-flavoured popcorn. Regina looked at her wristwatch – 1:47pm – no wonder all her ideas were currently based around food.
"Ha! Boyfriend," Tina snorted, "Jesus Regina, have you even met Emma?"
"No," Regina stated, blinking once,
"Oh, right," Tina muttered under her breath, "she's well… how would I put it formally… not straight,"
Regina was never a firm believer in coincidences until now. In her drunken rampage, Regina vaguely remembers sobbing into a couch cushion about men (but she'd deny it if it was ever brought up). She cursed to the sky above that she was entirely over men and their dicks and everything in-between. So it was a very big – and very god damn fabulous – coincidence that Tina's very gay sister was meandering around Boston at this very point in time.
"She's gay?" Regina's voice was an octave higher than usual,
"Yeah; she's about as straight as my hair," Tina mused as she picked out one of her loose ringlets and wiggled it,
"So, very gay," Regina finalised as she stared at the mop of curly hair that sat on top of her best friend's head.
"Yep; want to meet her? You know, considering you're single and maybe not entirely too ready to mingle just yet… officially,"
"You're setting me up with your gay sister?" Regina squeaked. This was not okay, definitely not okay. Many a time had Tina been a wing woman for Regina but now… with women? and more specifically, her sister?
"Hey, chill," Tina stood up abruptly and leaned over the desk, resting two firm hands on Regina's shoulders, "it was a suggestion and a small joke, but the way you reacted to that, you seemed almost… up for it?" Tina furrowed her eyebrows as she studied the hyperventilating brunette, "you're seriously considering it aren't you?"
"No!" Regina snapped. She avoided eye contact as she primped her hair, "of course not, that would be barbaric,"
"What? Testing out the gay waters?" Tina shrugged her shoulders, "honey, you aren't the first woman to go to the dark side after a bad break up,"
"Really?" Regina momentarily forgot to fight with Tina about the whole 'gay' thing, "you're joking right?"
"You're staring a prime example right now," Tina smirked,
"…Really?"
"Really, really; her name was Wendy; she's British,"
"Hence why you stayed in London a little longer than you planned, ah, makes sense now,"
"And trust me, it was great. We got on like a house on fire! And the sex!" Tina pinched her forefinger and thumb together, kissing the tips, "bellissimo,"
"Tina Midas you are unbelievable," Regina chastised with a smile on her lips,
"But oh so truthful and helpful; seriously girl, I see the pain in your eyes. Just do it; just meet Emma. If you don't find her attractive or whatever, you could just be buddies. Plus her son Henry is adorable and a walking dictionary,"
"She has a son?" Regina's eyes blew wide open, "a son? She's gay!"
"And you're straight trying to get with my gay sister! Calm your tits Regina, Jesus," Tina huffed as Regina gaped like a fish out of water, "I'd cuff you upside the head if your hair wasn't coifed to perfection,"
"Alright, I get it dear, now correct me if I'm wrong but," Regina started ticking things off on her fingers, "Emma is here, she is gay as your hair, she has a son and you're trying to set me up with her,"
"Sounds about right,"
"Fabulous," Regina rolled her eyes, "when do I get to meet this elusive gay sister of yours?"
"Can't be this week, she's busy as a bee trying to organise work and housing and all that jazz, but I'll let you know as soon as I do,"
Regina took a deep breath as Tina sorted herself out to leave, "I can't believe I'm doing this,"
Tina wrestled some loose hairs into her messy bun, "I can't believe you're doing this; does this mean I am now your unofficial wing woman?" she looked like a small child in a candy store,
"Whatever makes you sleep at night," Regina smiled up as Tina yanked open the heavy wooden door.
"That's what Valium is for but okiedoke," Tina saluted Regina as she exited the office, "Tinkerbell out,"
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a/n: hopefully this chapter has sped things up a little x