Alone in Despair
Once again, Prime drove out along that empty road that curled up the rim. As Cybertron's capital city fell away behind him, he felt the cool wind touch its fingers along his chassis. His spark felt as cold as that wind nowadays.
He decided he'd sleep in that old hangar off on the east side. There were plans waiting for his approval to tear it down, yet he hadn't signed them yet. For that half-fallen structure was becoming almost a brother to him, for they were both now old and unwanted. There was no more excitement, no more fun, to be found in their old metal frames.
As he got to the dilapidated structure, he transformed. Grabbing the case of energon he'd stashed in his trailer, he wandered into his place of solitude. A place he could drink and remember those better times, when he was young and exciting. Yes, those beautiful days; back when Jetfire just couldn't seem to get enough of him.
For hours he drank quietly, wanting to leave this whole world behind. Then finally, he passed out in exhausted defragmentation.
Offer of Comfort
As she had promised, Raptor had begun to watch Optimus. And just as Hotshot had told her, the red mech made his way out of the city and had settled down inside a wreck of a building for the night.
Raptor had followed him up here, keeping her cloaking engaged as she trotted up the winding road. She had silently cussed a bit, since she had had to jog along in robot mode – since she was still grounded from flying. Her thrusters ached, and she truly envied those darned ground mechs, who could just transform and roll up here.
But, she was now up here, so it was time to recon the situation fully. So with her cloaking engaged, she wandered unseen into the building and settled herself, studying the drinking mech. It bothered her to see those silent tears streaming down the strong Autobot's face, the internal pain he was so obviously trying to hide from everyone.
Having once been a Decepticon Commander herself, she understood Optimus's reason for not seeking help outright. The cons under his command; only followed him because he was perceived as the strongest. To show any type of weakness would create doubt within those ranks. And when cons start to doubt their leadership, an overthrow attempt would likely follow.
Yes, she had brought this very mech back to Cybertron. Back to enjoy the peace that he had worked for a lifetime to achieve. Yet, here he was, heartbroken and alone.
As he deactivated and went into defragmentation, Raptor considered her options. Standing, she slid along the wall to go outside and think. Then pain shot through one of her thrusters, causing her to gasp. Looking down, she realized she had truly screwed up! First by jogging all the way up here, which had weakened the linkages around her thrust vectoring mechanisms; and now she had unwittedly stepped on a piece of sharp rusted metal. Now she had a tear in a linkage, and wouldn't be able to walk much further!
Silently berating herself, she glumly sat down. Staring at her lame leg in disbelief and disgust; but then an idea coursed through her. Looking over at the sleeping form of her friend, she realized that while she couldn't get herself back to her quarters – he very well could.
Now she'd just have to figure out how to get him to. Kneeling, she did what she always did when she was in doubt, she silently prayed. Bowing her head, she sought that place within her immortal spark, the small piece that was human. She called to her human God, to give her guidance. And as she prayed, a vision played out within her Meta.
The vision of what needed to be done.
--
Optimus woke to the sounds of femme voices nearby. Sitting up, he quietly listened, trying to decipher who it was and why they were walking around this particular group of dilapidated buildings.
"So you're gonna put the main Embassy here?" Blacktop's loud voice asked.
"That's the idea, then put the Communications towers right over here," Raptor's voice replied.
He could hear their footsteps walk around the building he was in, and then they seemed to walk away for a short distance. As he continued to listen in on their conversation, he believed that they had no idea that any mech besides them were here. Perhaps he could sneak out, and pretend he'd just driven up? Then they'd never suspect the truth.
Standing up, he made his way towards the door as quietly as he could. Slipping out, he could hear them on the opposite side of the building. Straightening up, he latched his facemask and put an expression of curiosity on his face. Now ready to play his act, he strolled around the building towards their voices.
"Well, if we're going to put a housing complex within the Embassy complex, then we need to make the quarters spacious – like at home!" Blacktop was saying in her most argumentative tone. She had her arms crossed and was glaring at her mother.
Raptor shrugged. "There's not as much available space here. If we did that, we'd have to build a skyscraper!" she explained.
Blacktop huffed and opened her mouth to reply, when Optimus strolled up.
"So you're already making plans for a sector that I haven't even signed off on?" he queried. Cocking his head, he forced his optics to gleam in amusement.
The two femmes turned towards him. Surprise showed on their faces.
"So why are you up here so early?" Blacktop demanded to know. "And why have you been avoiding me!"
He nodded to his opinionated daughter. "I've been too busy with work, and part of that work is to personally inspect these sites before authorizing demolition."
Raptor grinned at him, nodding her agreement.
"Well, if work's more important than your daughter, then you can just kiss my tail pipes!" Blacktop snorted. Looking from Raptor to Optimus the strong headed femme shrugged. "And since you're here, YOU can give mom a ride back!"
With that, Blacktop transformed and sped away.
Optimus and Raptor looked at each other in bemusement.
"Well, I guess you've really ticked her off this time," Raptor commented.
"And I guess if she gave you a lift up here, it means you're still grounded?"
Raptor simply nodded, "and while we're standing here guessing – why don't we walk around and inspect this site. So I can talk you into letting Earth Command have it."
Optimus nodded his agreement and followed Raptor around. He noticed she appeared to be favoring a thruster, but since she was talking about this building or that. He assumed that she didn't want to discuss her thruster issue.
--
As they strolled along, Raptor couldn't help but chuckle inside. For Optimus appeared to have taken the hologram of Blacktop and the little 'act' – at face value!
As Cybertron's star reached its zenith, Raptor acted a little fatigued. "Perhaps we should sit for a while?" she mentioned off-handedly.
Optimus merely nodded his agreement.
Finding a comfortable place overlooking the site they'd been discussing, Raptor slowly lowered herself to the ground. Unable to hide the grimace as the pain from her torn linkages shot through her.
"Damaged?" Optimus simply noted, as he settled next to her.
She shrugged as she handed him an energon cube from her port bay. "It's nothing that Red Alert can't fix."
Somewhat comfortable around his former medic with his face bared. He took off his mask, and casually set it down beside him. Taking a slow sip, he looked over the site in quite thoughtfulness.
Glancing at his mask out of the corner of her optics, Raptor knew he used it to feel safe and hidden. It helped him feel strong and in control over how mechs perceived him. She needed to force him out of this safe zone of hiding, make him face his own fears. So with her holographic projector, she made his 'protection' disappear without him even noticing.
Raptor knew she'd have to find a way to connect with him, allow him to see that she understood his pain. She wanted him to feel safe in confiding in someone while he worked through this pain. And her place outside of the Decepticon/Autobot factions, thus being in a nonjudgmental position – might just make him feel safe in using her for his confidant.
"You know Prime," her voice changed to a wistful tone. "This is the very site that I first battled the ancient Transformers of this world."
"It is?" he cocked his head in curiosity. He'd never heard this tone of voice from the strong femme.
She looked over the site, her optics now holding a strange emotion. "When I came here, in my mind I was righteous. I was powerful. I envisioned myself as a unifier for peace, even as I conquered tribe-after-tribe." She paused to allow the silence of the site to pervade her story, to show its true emptiness.
"I was in love when I came here." She noticed Prime's fingers tremble slightly at that statement. Still trying desperately to keep his own emotional pain hidden from her.
He slid his hand down next to him, his fingers groping for his barrier against the world. For the emotions within him, were again beginning to rise to the surface as she spoke. His optics narrowed slightly as he realized his mask wasn't there. Keeping his face as calm as he could, his optics scanned around him in desperation. But there was nothing! His fingers twitched in anxiety as he tried to contain the panic building within him. For he knew his emotions were bared to the world right now, his weakness openly displayed for Raptor to see! Setting his hand back in his lap, he sought to calm himself down – to maintain some kind of control.
She took another sip of energon, watching the emotions pass over his face as he was forced out of his comfort zone. The long pause also served to emphasize the sadness in her voice. "I was betrayed Prime, in the worst way imaginable. For the one I had faith in, that I'd given my core to – had merely been using me for his own purposes. He had no love for me and never did in the first place."
Raptor allowed tears to swell within her optics. Show Prime that even a strong former Decepticon Leader had the same weakness. Prove to him that regardless of faction, inside each of them were the same wants – belonging and love. He needed to understand that it wasn't a weakness at all; it was in fact a strength to feel emotions.
"When I fought Unicron that first time, I didn't understand the true magnitude of what he was." She let her voice fill with pain. "And in a sense, I fought him more out of selfishness than any type of bravery. I wanted my pathetic life to finally mean something, to be remembered for the ideal that I saw myself as – not for what I truly was."
Prime's lip trembled slightly as he continued to try to maintain control his own emotions. For he himself wanted to be remembered as something he now felt he wasn't. The conflicting emotions fought against each other within him. On the one hand, he wanted to admit to his pathetic weakness for all to see – but on the other, he knew he couldn't. He was Prime; he was supposed to be above all weakness!
Turning her head to him, Raptor looked into his optics. She could read the strife within them. She knew he wasn't ready to openly admit it yet, but he was getting close. "Once you asked me what had happened to me. Why I wouldn't fight? I told you that I found both the weakest and strongest sides within myself but never could find the true middle ground," she sighed. "Indeed this is true, for the weakest side of me only wanted someone to love and I was willing to kill blindly for that love. When your mechs brought me back, I didn't want to come back – for I felt I had nothing to live for."
Raptor leaned towards him, curling her fingers around his. "I see that same torment within you now. I wish I had anticipated this, allowed you the choice that I was not able to have. But everything has a reason; there is a purpose for both of us to continue on as we're forced to do."
Looking into her tear filled optics; Prime realized that she truly understood his internal strife. That she understood why he couldn't openly seek solace, just as she couldn't. They were both leaders, forced to live, and forced to always appear strong. They were prisoners of the very mantle of responsibility that others strove to obtain.
There was no way he could hide it anymore. The blackness beat down his resolve, flooding through his façade. His optics dimmed as the emotions flooded to the fore. He knew her sharp mind was able to read his every thought, just through his naked face. It was pointless to contain it any longer. "Thank you Raptor," he said. A trembling of emotion was within his voice. "It's just been so difficult…. If anyone knew how weak I was –"He could envision the consequences of his failure, the war that would likely follow. The weight on his shoulders seemed unbearable; the tourniquet around his neck was tightening.
She shifted so that she was kneeling in front of the sitting mech. pulling him into her arms, she held him as a mother would. "I know, Prime, I know," she whispered in his audios. "Talk to me, let us help each other to be strong."
Her arms seemed to block out the world, made him feel safe in exposing himself for the emotional wreck he was. And so he began to talk as she held him. He laid out his every weakness for her optics to see. His pathetic dreams and desires for the future with his bond mate at his side – now nothing more than wishful thoughts. The lack of strength within him, that sought to overwhelm him in its grasp. He was old and unnecessary in this time of peace. He had passed his time of value, completed the task he was designed to do. When he finally finished, he saw warmth and understanding in her optics.
Gently she wiped the tears from his cheeks, her crimson optics soft. "Sometimes, in our long lives, we get brief glimpses of happiness. We must learn to live fully during those glimpses, and view each glimpse as a new life, new happiness. When they are over, we move on and just wait for the next glimpse. Trusting it will come."
"So this was just a glimpse?" he asked.
She nodded, "Life is just eternal circles. As things come – they will go. Another will fill their place. Whether you live one lifetime, or endless lifetimes – the circle remains."
He could hear the pain in her voice, sense there was an even deeper meaning to the riddle she was saying. Whatever it was, he could not decipher it. Except that she seemed to be saying that this circle would bring a glimpse of happiness back into his life. A sense of hope began to invade his emotional blackness, for he didn't want to continue on like this forever. "So you're saying I have to just move on, and something else will eventually come along?"
She nodded, her optics speaking volumes that he didn't understand.
But he didn't want to give up Jetfire! Jetfire was his life! His lip trembled again as his thoughts spiraled back into the black abyss. His amber optics dulled as he lowered his head, for he was simply too weak of a mech to put his feet back on these 'cycles' she spoke about.
Raptor's squeeze on his shoulders brought his optics back to hers. "You don't have to move on right this moment, Prime. It takes time to redirect your footsteps to a new path." Gently she ran her fingers down his cheek. "Let me help you through this. Lean on me, for I am your friend. Use my strength – for yours."
Yes, he had seen her strength - Her ability to stick to her ideals, even if it meant that she was driven out by all others. Hadn't he been one of those whom had once driven her out? Regret filled him then, for he had unwittedly forced her to give birth to new sparks alone. He felt the guilt of leaving his sparklings without protection, their mother without the comfort and help of others during her time of need. He was undeserving of her friendship, just as he was undeserving of the mantle of leadership he now wore.
Pulling away from her, he turned his optics to the ground. "Everything I've done to you. I do not deserve your friendship. I do not deserve to continue to function!"
Raptor studied him, seeing where his depressed mind had made connections to the past. To the Autobots' mistake in not accepting that she would no longer fight. She knew she'd have to try a new tact – or she'd lose him. "Then make it right Optimus, you owe me."
He looked up, not quite understanding what she meant.
"You cast me out for my beliefs. Yet, in the end you faced the truth behind my beliefs. You understood why the fighting had to end." Her optics became hard; a challenging gleam began to fill them. "Now, yet again, I hold my hand out to you. Do you take it? Or do you cast me out again? Do I spend eternity on the outside – or do you let me in?"
The turmoil raged hotter within him, for now his internal strife was focused on the outside world. Was he that selfish that he cast her out again? Even as weak and pathetic as he was, she didn't deserve that again. "But I have nothing to offer, nothing left to give," he whispered hoarsely.
"Give yourself. Give yourself to your daughters." Putting her fingers under his chin, she forced him back to her optics. "Give me your faith; believe in me as you couldn't back then. Let me guide your steps for a while, show you the way."
She'd been so right back then, when he had doubted her. Now she seemed so strong, so sure. He wanted the mantle of responsibility lifted off his shoulders; he was too weak right now to handle it. Perhaps it was time to follow another, even for a short period of time? Let her shoulders bear the weight.
"Tell me what to do, Raptor. Tell me.." he bowed his head in total acceptance of her offer.
Pulling apart, she looked into his pain-filled amber orbs. A warm smile crossed her face as she tenderly kissed the top of his helm. As a mother would, she wiped his tears from his face. "It's not good for you to be sleeping out here."
He nodded, but shrugged helplessly. "I just can't go back there, and I can't get myself to assign me new quarters. It just hurts."
She squeezed his shoulder. "I've got a spare room."
Optimus looked up at his friend in shock at her generosity. Not only had she given him his life back, given him someone to feel safe in confiding in, but she was even opening her own home to him! It was too much for him to accept. "Thanks but –"
Putting a finger to his lips, Raptor silenced him. "Let's just say that I'm ordering you to take that room, Cybertronian Commander. When you're strong again, then you can move out." Her warm smile and the humor in her optics caused warmth to start spreading through his cold core. "After all, Prime; we are family," she added.
For the first time in weeks, a smile crossed the big mech's face. Yes, indeed he was part of her family, though he'd never truly understood what the concept meant. Though they had daughters together, he'd always been absent. Fighting and dying in battle after battle it seemed. "But I never really been there," he said quietly.
"You are still part of it, and family's support each other through both good and bad."
Looking into her optics, he knew she had made up her mind and there'd be no chance of swaying her. And he had to admit she was right. He did indeed need the family's support to help him through this. He needed to feel love again, even if it was the love of family – not of romance.
"Will you teach me how to be a father?" he asked. A cloud seemed to start clearing from his optics.
Raptor smiled, pleased that he was now starting the slow process of moving on from Jetfire. "Sure, I'll help you in any way I can." She slapped him on the shoulder as she stood up. "I must say, it shall be nice to have a room mate for a while. My home has been very empty since Blacktop left."
She offered her hand to him, and as he stood up, he found his fingers curling around the mask that was in her hand. With a knowing look, she gave it to him and waiting patiently for him to transform.
Sliding his mask back in place, he studied the femme for a brief moment. She was the type that seemed to be able to read a mech's every thought. Obviously, she had known about his dependence on his mask, his true inner shyness. But she accepted him fully, offering her friendship and hospitality no matter how undeserving he was. Raptor was truly the most generous and forgiving femme he'd ever met. In a sense, he felt that he didn't deserve a friend like her. But he was truly glad to be able to call her – 'friend'.
He transformed and waited for her to slide in his trailer. Room mates? He thought.Yes, that was a good way to explain it. He wondered what the rumors would be, once it got around that he was living with her. But, it was better than if they had found him sleeping under the moons. He knew the rumors were already flying about Jetfire and Tigress – guess eventually he'd have had to move out anyways.
Well, it was common knowledge that he'd already sired offspring with the Earth Commander; granted, those times he'd bonded with her had not been due to romantic inclinations by any means. But, she was still without a bond mate, and perhaps rumors of him sharing quarters with her – would make it easier for him. Everyone would simply assume he might be interested in her. So he wouldn't have to worry about kind-hearted mechs trying to fix him up all the time.
Granted, he hoped it wouldn't infringe much on her dating life. It was well-known that several Decepticon Seekers appeared to be pursuing her. Most likely, they were interested more out of interest for her position of power, than her. But that was how Decepticons generally viewed things. Her short relationship with Starscream all those years ago, made it obvious that she indeed preferred the sleek Seeker males over all others. So Prime knew there was little chance she'd ever approach him for more than friendship.
But friendship was what he needed right now. Primus knows he couldn't handle being romantic with any mech anytime soon! So moving in with a femme who'd never want to be anything more than friends was a perfect situation.
Yes, it was a good move - becoming her room mate.
--
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