Knockin' On Heavens Door
Mama, take this badge off of me,
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see.
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door
An old motel, decades past it's prime, in the middle of small town America. This place hadn't seen masses since the freeway system was built and the highway towns all up dried up and died. The room dingy and dirty with the distinct smell of mildew but it was their home… for tonight.
She rested peacefully, swallowed in a bed three times her size, dressed in Sam's shirt three times her size. She was draped in a dirty old blanket that if it could talk would tell illicit tales. Her face half buried in the pillow, Haley was miles away in dream land until her stirring partner awoke her.
The blankets tugged from her, exposing her flesh to the chilling cold of night. The old mattress creaked as he thrashed in it. Haley's eyes fluttered open with the commotion, the movement familiar… seen before.
Blurry at first, Sam came into focus. Eyes droopy and heavy, Haley watched as his arms jerked and body shook. Sam's lips mumbled inaudible words as his face contorted in a grimace.
Propping herself up on one elbow, Haley was just about to wake him, when Sam's eyes shot open, big and wide. A look of fear and startle hung in his pupil. Breath panting, unmoving, he looked about the room gathering his bearings. His eyes found hers watching him almost instantly. Her gaze was still half asleep but full of worry.
Red and orange flames still burned in Sam's mind. Heart thumping, his dream was still living and playing. Sam's grief showed in his eyes, open to see as he held in tears and gulped down air.
"Sam," Haley called tenderly in a whisper against the torment in his gaze. Moving closer, Haley snuggled close to his side. Resting her head on his shoulder, she tangled her arm around his; waiting for him to share what haunted him.
Sam's, strong Winchester hand roughly wiped the old tears from his cheeks that burned his flesh, and left him hopeless. Looking away from her, he tried to hide his pain… his weakness.
His face eluding her, Haley snuggled closer to the side of him. Bringing her lips to his ear, quietly she asked, so Dean wouldn't hear. "Tell me what you saw." She offered.
His face turned back to her, surrendering with her compassionate request. Their noses touched, his gaze drilling into hers.
His pulse raced, heart clenched, Sam took a deep breath for strength and answered. "We're never going to catch what killed her… I'm never going to avenge her death." His voice was strong like Sam, but also faltering like his heart. Pulling away from her again, facing the ceiling Sam spoke hushed into the crisp, dry air of the night. "It's always going to be my fault." The tone in his voice declared his certainty.
Reaching out, Haley carefully cupped the side of his coarse face and pulled his gaze back to hers. "You are not to blame for what happened to Jess." Her voice serious and determined but soft as not to disturb. Her eyes drilled into his with assurance.
Unwanted tears welled up in the edges of his eyes with her words, his heart aching with the sound of Jess's name, her face flashed through his mind. Holding back the agony pooling in his eyes, Sam spoke the truth. "She's dead because of me. If she had never met me… she'd still be alive." His voice was dead as night.
His breath fluttered against her face. Haley's thumb gently stroked his cheek as she fought the tears wanting to form with his tormented words. Nothing afflicted her more than watching her best friend suffer when all she wanted to do was make him whole again. Staring down his crumbling eyes without a blink Haley tried to convince him of otherwise. "No, you made her happy. You gave her love, the greatest gift. And she loved you back. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, Sam." Leaning in close she spoke.
Haley pressed her forehead against his as a tear slipped down her cheek. She only knew Jess from Sam but watching him teeter on the edge, she mourned the loss. The sting lingered in her heart too. Quickly wiping her tear to save Sam her grief, Haley finished strong. "You're what made her life worth missing." Haley whispered, she voice filling with the dew of emotion. Reaching up she placed a tender, enduring kiss upon his forehead and pulled back to gaze in his eyes.
Bittersweet tears slipped freely down his cheeks. Her words heart warming and heart breaking, he sucked in a shuttered breath as his eyes met hers again.
Biting her lip, Haley closed her eyes against him for a moment to compose herself. She wouldn't break, not when he needed her. She would be strong no matter how wounding it was to watch the tears bleed from his soul. Swallowing her own torment, Haley opened her eyes again with renewed strength and a merciful smile to offer him.
"Come here." She faintly called, opening her arms to him.
A debilitated smile lifted one side of Sam mouth with her mercy. Without further hesitate he went to her. Nestling in, Sam laid his head upon her chest as her arms enveloped him.
Her familiar scent of wild flowers in the spring calmed him. Delicately, she wiped his tears then securely stroked his hair, soothing him.
Cradling Sam, a man twice her size against her like a baby, her fingers slipped through his muddy water hair. Staying quiet, hoping Dean slept through all of this, she comforted Sam back to sleep. "It's going to get better Sam. We're going to get through this." She promised. She held him in her arms long after had slipped back to sleep. She held him hoping she banished the nightmares away the only way she could offer.
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
Bob Dylan: "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"
NOTE: Incase it isn't obvious this is a Dean/Haley/Sam story. I know it's marked Dean/Haley and the story is Dean/Haley but Sam is just as a big a part. Just wanted to clarify that. Also I felt this Saley chapter was needed to better explain Sam and Haley's friendship. How Sam needs her and Sam gives Haley a purpose.