Chapter 3
~*~ warning ~*~ story contains very dark themes, including flashbacks to sexual assault. if this subject is a trigger for you, please do not continue.
If you are a survivor of sexual abuse and need assistance, please contact RAINN
apps (dot) rainn (dot) org/ohl-bridge/
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series, or any of the characters created by Stephenie Meyer. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
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"Bella, wake up. Bella?"
"Edward?" She whispered his name through the haze of sleep.
"It's almost light. Charlie's been awake for a while and he's very agitated. I think I should leave."
"Don't go, please."
"It's just for a while, love. I need to go home and talk to Carlisle, and I'd like to have a shower and some fresh clothes."
"What day is it?"
"It's Wednesday."
She rubbed her eyes. "I missed school...I had a calculus test Monday..."
"I think you should stay home today. You're not in any shape to go back yet."
"What about you?"
"I'll have Carlisle call the school and see that I'm re-enrolled. I'll be with you every day. All right?"
"All right."
"I'll call you in a bit, after Charlie leaves. Is your phone charged?"
"Probably not."
"I'll plug it in for you and be back in a few hours."
"Okay." He held her tight to his chest, dreading being apart from her even briefly.
"I love you, Bella." He silently slipped through her bedroom window and was gone.
She clutched his pillow to her chest and buried her face in it, breathing in his scent, allowing it to wash over her as she drifted back into restless sleep.
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~x~
Carlisle and Esme greeted Edward in the driveway. She embraced him silently, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as she could. Carlisle stood behind her, touching them both. Edward nodded, acknowledging their sorrowful thoughts and their desire to help him heal.
"Is Bella all right?" Carlisle's voice was calm, detached.
"No, I don't really think so. It seems like it's all just now sinking in, all that happened. At first she was more upset about me leaving her in September, but she woke up with nightmares about Italy, trying to deal with all the ramifications."
"What does she remember?"
"She's aware of the assault, the pregnancy, Jane. All of it, except what happened to Alice."
"And Charlie?"
"He knows nothing about Italy, only that there was a misunderstanding about the events in La Push. She fabricated a story about Alice dragging her to L.A. to explain it all to me. It's a pretty thin story, to be honest. I was surprised he fell for it."
"And you? How are you?" Esme sounded frail, wounded.
"I'm not sure. There's just too much to process, too many layers. What they did to us… what they made me do to her, Carlisle, while they watched. What they stole from us..."
"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, son. We'll help you work through it as best we can. Whatever you need, we'll do."
"I'm just so conflicted. I'm thrilled to have her back, to be with her again, but I'm still the cause of her pain, more so now than before. She's already forgiven me."
"Oh, sweetheart." Esme's arms tightened around him. He buried his face in her hair as Carlisle spoke.
"She's incredibly strong, Edward. She recognizes that you weren't the active party in this atrocity, so she's one step ahead of you. You'll have to find a way to do the same. Right now what's important is that you're home, we're together, and Bella and Alice are safe. We'll deal with the rest one day at a time. You both need time."
"Time. That's what I told Bella. "
"It's true."
"What about Jane?"
"She's still here. She insists on following Aro's wishes. I was unable to convince her that her presence was unnecessary. She considers both of you a flight risk. We've discussed her diet, and leaving the vicinity to hunt, but she's unwilling to go back to Italy before the birth. We have much to consider."
"I don't want her anywhere near Bella. I don't know what that would do to her."
"Agreed, but I think it's inevitable, given the situation. We'll do our best to limit their interaction."
"I haven't even begun to think about the ramifications of a... a pregnancy."
"I'm astounded that it is even possible. I'm hoping Bella will let me examine her. I need to draw blood and see what this is doing to her system."
"I can't imagine she'd want anyone else involved."
"Yes, we certainly need to figure out what's happening before we involve any outsiders in her healthcare. I'm certain I can handle virtually any medical complications, but it's impossible to predict them in this circumstance. I'm still stunned that you're fertile, Edward."
"As am I, Carlisle. I mean, if the girls can't..."
"We can talk about all that more later."
Edward nodded, holding Esme's hand as they walked toward the house. "Can you take care of something for me? I need to re-enroll in school, so I can stay with her."
"Yes, and Alice, too. I'll take care of it."
"I'm going upstairs. I feel - I'd like to shower, and change."
"Of course."
He saw Jane standing at one of the back windows of the living room, glaring at him as he came through the front door. She thought about hurting him for taking the girl home, for being alone with her. He stared at her flatly, willing her to try it and give his family the excuse to rip her to pieces.
Emmett was the first to approach him when he entered the house. They embraced, and soon he felt Rose and Jasper's arms around him as well. Their thoughts were similar, layered one over the other in his mind. We love you; we're glad you're home; you did what you had to do to bring them home; you're safe now; we love you.
Alice stood apart until they released him.
"Alice, I'm so sorry."
It's all right. No one blames you. She caressed his face, kissed his cheeks.
"I blame me, Alice. This is all because of me - everything, all because I left her, because of what I am."
No, Edward, that's not true! You could just as easily say it was my fault for not seeing it coming, or for selfishly dragging Bella to Italy, or Bella's fault for wanting to stop you committing suicide. If you wanted to, you could blame influenza. Do you believe any of that?
"I don't know what to believe, Alice." She pulled him into her arms and swayed with him, rocking him.
Well, I don't believe it, and neither does anyone else. The only ones to blame are Aro and Alec, and the rest of them. They chose this. All we did was endure it, and survive it. We are not to blame. We did nothing wrong. This was their choice, and there was no way to stop it. Please, Edward. Please believe that.
He felt Jasper's hand making small circles on his shoulder, understanding that his brother was trying to physically comfort him without inflicting forced calm. Jasper knew he'd been manipulated enough without being bombarded with artificial emotions.
"Thanks, Jasper." He kissed Alice on the cheek and ascended the stairs to his room.
There was little there other than furnishings. Their personal belongings hadn't arrived from Vancouver yet. The small bag he'd traveled with was on the floor beside the sofa, holding his clothes, passport, iPod, and some toiletries he carried as props to pacify airport security. He knew there were clean clothes in the closet, left behind in September. He stood, looking at the room for several long minutes. He felt as if it had been years, rather than a few short months, since he'd stood in this spot. He heard raised voices downstairs: Jane, Emmett, and Jasper. He heard Carlisle's soothing tone and, without having to listen to their thoughts, knew they were discussing him. He dropped to the floor on his knees, wrapped his arms around his head and tearlessly sobbed.
In the span of a week he'd gone through being desperately alone, crushed with grief at Bella's presumed death, suicidal, reunited with her, and then forced to rape her while his sister was being groped. His body was used as a weapon to hurt the girl he loved above all else, their virginity brutally stolen from them in front of spectators. The most precious act they could share was desecrated, soiled. He knew that he wasn't the perpetrator of this crime, but it was his body that took her. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her tears, her blood, her trembling, passive body splayed beneath him. Each of his senses was consumed with a memory of that room.
He never heard Jasper come to him, but felt his brother's arm around him. "I don't know how to get rid of this, Jasper. I can still hear her body tearing, smell her blood on my skin. I can feel their eyes on me right now, and Alice - Jesus, Jasper, there was nothing I could do. There was no way out."
Jasper pulled him around, one hand on either side of Edward's face, looking him directly in the eye. "Edward, you aren't to blame for this. You did what you had to do to survive. You brought them home to us, and it's over. They'll never touch any of us again. Bella's body will heal. Alice is fine. You did what you had to do, and it's over."
"It may be over, but our memories never fade."
"No, but in time they are replaced with other memories. Happier memories. You know what my life was like after I was changed. I remember it all, as vividly as if it happened today. But I'm not that man anymore, and that's not my life. I no longer let those memories define me. In time, you'll feel the same. Loving Alice helped me finally put the last of it behind me. Think about your life with Bella and this second chance you have with her, and let that fill your mind. The rest will fall away."
He wasn't sure if Jasper was intentionally calming him with his gift, but little by little he felt lighter, freer. As if on cue, they both inhaled a long unnecessary breath and exhaled slowly. Edward raised his head to look at his brother and nodded.
"Why don't you change clothes - Emmett wants to hunt, just us. Okay?"
"I don't want to go too far. I told Bella I'd be back in a few hours."
"It's just barely light out. I think we've got time, if we hurry. We'll stay close."
Edward nodded. "I'll be down in a few minutes."
Jasper squeezed the back of Edward's neck as he stood, then left the room.
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~x~
"Bella, I just can't let this go. You disappeared for days without a word, without a call, and then you show up with him, and expect me to be fine with it. Are you telling me you're taking him back as if nothing happened, after what he did to you last fall? What about Jacob?"
"Dad, it was a misunderstanding. Edward was upset. I had to go."
"YOU HAD TO GO? A MISUNDERSTANDING? I could kill the little bastard after what he did to you! I can't believe you've forgotten all that, what that was like! Does he have any idea how upset YOU were? Why didn't he come running when you were 'upset'?"
Tears streamed down her face as he yelled at her. "Please Dad, you don't understand. Please stop."
He unclenched his fists and rested his hands on his hips as he took several deep breaths. "What don't I understand? Help me understand."
"I don't know how to make you understand. I can't explain. You just have to trust me. He loves me, Dad. I love him."
"Shit." He scrubbed his hands over his face, then looked back at her. "What about Jacob?"
"He's my friend, Dad. That's all."
"Well, I think he deserves to hear that from you, because I'm pretty certain that's not his interpretation of things."
"I know. I'll talk to him, but please don't try to get in the middle of this."
"I'm in the middle of it as long as you're under my roof, Bella."
"Fine. I'll leave."
"Your mother misses you. Maybe that's for the best."
"No. I'll go live with the Cullens. I'm not going to Florida."
"Wait just a minute there, young lady."
"Dad, I don't want to leave, but I'm eighteen. I don't want to move out, but there's more going on than you know. Jacob is my friend, and that's all."
"He deserves the truth, Bells."
"I know that, Dad. I don't want to hurt him, either, but I'm not in love with him. You can't make me feel something that isn't there."
"I just don't trust him, Cullen. If he hurts you again, Bella, I'll..."
"He won't, Dad. He knows what he did and, believe me, and he's in as much pain as me over everything that's happened. I trust him. You're going to have to try to trust him, too."
"I'm not ready for that yet. But please, please get hold of Jacob. Don't leave him hanging."
"I will. I'll call him today."
"I've got to get to work. I'll see you tonight. Get some rest - you need to get back to school tomorrow."
"Okay, Dad." She stood in the hallway as he left, trying to imagine his reaction to learning that she was pregnant with Edward's child, and Jacob's reaction to the news that the Cullens had returned for good.
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~x~
"Seth? Hi, it's me, Bella. Yeah, I'm back. Hey, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your dad. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and Leah and your mom. I'm sorry I wasn't at the funeral. Yeah, the trip was kind of sudden. Well, give your mom and Leah my love, okay? Oh, hey, have you seen Jacob? He's not answering his phone, and Billy won't tell me what's going on. You did what? How? Are you sure she's dead? I can't believe - and he just left? Jeez. Wow. That's just - huge. You have no idea how much that means to me, not to have to worry about her. Oh, I understand. Well, if you talk to him, please tell him I'm back and really need to see him. Yeah, they're back, too. Okay Seth, I will. Good to talk to you. Yeah, me too. Bye."
Bella ended the call and turned to find Edward standing in the kitchen.
"Sorry - I let myself in."
"It's okay. That was Seth Clearwater. Did you hear all of it?" He followed her up the stairs to her room.
"Part of it, but not all." He leaned on the door frame, watching her empty her suitcase into the laundry hamper, her hands shaking.
"They killed Victoria. The night Alice and I left."
"She was here?"
"And they killed Laurent a few months ago, near our meadow."
"Good lord, Bella! I should have been here, I could have stopped all of this!"
"It doesn't matter anymore, Edward. It's over. You take everything and turn it into a reason to beat yourself up. You have to stop it." She crossed the room and put her hands on his chest.
"I'm trying, Bella, but everything always comes back to me, what I am, what I've done."
"I don't believe that. We all have our demons Edward. We all have things we wish we'd done differently. But we can't spend our lives worrying about what-ifs and should-haves."
"What would you have done differently, Bella?"
"I would have called bullshit on everything you said to me in the forest. I would have fought harder for you." He stared at her. "Would it have mattered?"
"I don't know. I know it hurt me that you believed the lie so readily; that it was easier for you to believe the lie than the truth, but I don't know if you could have changed my mind at that point."
"That's why I don't dwell on it. There's no way to know if it would have made a difference; you might have left me anyway. What would you have done differently? Would you really have stayed, if you knew Laurent and Victoria would come back?"
"Yes."
"And where would we be, right now? Things were pretty bad after my birthday. Would you have continued to pull away?"
"I don't know, Bella. Maybe. Yes. To protect you."
"Then there wouldn't be an 'us' anymore, Edward. I would have learned to hate you. Shutting yourself off from me like that was just as wrong as leaving me. You shut me out of your life, either way."
"I wish I'd never gone to Italy."
"Then we'd still be apart."
"But Italy - what happened..."
"I don't care. You're back in my life, and that's all that matters to me."
"But that room - I can't believe you wouldn't take that back. I'd give anything to take that back, to be rid of that memory."
"Why?"
"What? Because I hurt you, Bella. I raped you. I brutally violated you..."
"No." She was shaking her head no, over and over.
"...I knew what I was doing, and I fucked you, against your will. I took pleasure from it, Bella. It felt good..."
"No, stop." She hit his chest with her palm, shaking her head no. He continued to speak, ignoring her protests, desperate to make her understand.
"...I had an orgasm while you were crying and bleeding beneath me. Can you understand why I'd want to erase that memory? Do you think I'll ever be able to touch you again, with that in my head? Can..."
"Stop this, Edward! STOP!"
"...you imagine ever wanting to be with a man who could do that to you?"
"Yes! Yes - I can! I want to be with you again, I want you to make love with me! I love you!" She was shouting, twisting handfuls of his sweater in her fists.
He was seething, his hands balled, his face turned away from her. "How can you say that?"
"You didn't do any of those things, Edward. ARO did! He did this to us. Not to me, to US. Can't you see? HE did this. He used you to do his bidding. YOU saved my life. If you hadn't, I'd be one of them right now, or tied to a bed, underneath Felix!" Tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Oh god, Bella, don't say that."
"Look at me. Edward! Look at me! You said it yourself, right afterwards. Don't you remember? You said something to the effect of 'this isn't me, this isn't how I would show my love for you.' Do you remember? And this morning, you said 'all that mattered was that we love each other and we're together again.' Why can't you believe your own words? How is it that you knew it then, but somehow now you can't accept it?"
"I know it's true. I know it is. But when I close my eyes, it isn't Aro's body I see hurting you. It's my own. My body making you bleed, my body making you cry. Of all the things to force me to do, he couldn't have chosen anything that would cut me deeper." His voice trailed off to a barely audible whisper.
"You want to know what I remember?"
"What do you remember?" He stared at the floor.
"I remember your arm around me when we walked into that room. You gave me strength. I remember you trying to be gentle, wanting to be affectionate, trying to make it easier for me. I remember you trying keep their eyes off me. I remember you kissing over my heart when I told you not to speak. I knew you were trying to tell me you loved me, that you were sorry. I remember that horrible scream at the end, as if you were dying. I knew you hated that - feeling that. I remember being grateful that you were able to finish as quickly as you did. I remember you trying to comfort me, even when I slapped you. I remember you helping me shower, helping me dress. I remember you comforting Alice. I remember you never stopped touching us, holding our hands, or keeping your arms around us until we saw Carlisle. And I also remember the look on your face in the Palazzo, when you realized I was there, alive. That's the one moment I try to remember most."
He'd embraced her as she was speaking, gently pressing her face to his chest, kissing her hair as she recounted the moments that helped her forget the worst of it.
"I remember that, too. I thought I'd died, and you were an angel in my arms, welcoming me to a heaven I didn't deserve." She looked up and saw a weak smile on his lips.
"I remember thinking you were stronger than me, to face that room, head-on like you did, and tell me to basically suck it up and get it over with. God, you're incredible." He kissed her forehead.
"I remember seeing your body, laying on that bed, and thinking you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and that I never wanted to be separated from you again."
"What else?"
His voice was a thin, shy whisper in her ear. "I remember the realization that I could be intimate with you, without wanting to take your blood."
"I thought of that, too."
He pressed his palm to her cheek and tilted her face up to his. "I love you more than words can express, Bella." He kissed her softly, sweetly.
"Don't think about the rest, Edward. That's all that matters - just you and me."
"I want that, too. I desperately want for there to be us, and nothing else. No pain or fear, no intrusions." He pressed his lips to hers with all the love he had within him, moving one hand from her face to her neck and hair, then down her back and around her waist. "God, I missed you. I was empty, without you." He whispered, "I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting you."
Her arms snaked up under his thin sweater, under the tee he wore beneath it, traveling up the length of his back to his shoulders, the fabric bunching at her elbows. He released a long low sigh as the warmth of her hands spread across his skin. He hadn't realized they were slowly creeping toward the bed until she sat on the edge of it. He kicked off his shoes and knelt on the bed beside her. He lay down and pulled her beside him, their eyes never leaving each other. She rolled so that she was half on top of him, one leg between his, one arm under his neck, the other draped across his chest. He reached up to pull aside the curtain of hair that hid her face and kissed her forehead. "Will you let me hold you? I just want to hold you."
She nodded silently.
"I never want to be apart from you, ever again, Bella."
"I missed you so much. Not a day went by that I didn't wish you were here, with your arms around me."
"I'm here now, forever."
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A/N:
Thank you for reading. Please forgive my deviation from canon to include Seth Clearwater as part of the pack so early on.
February 2012: chapter re-edited for minor content and dialogue refinement. Endless thanks to my beta, Fatally Obsessed.