Fenris crossed his arms and looked moody. Maybe because he was moody. Hawke had barely spoken to him all day. She seemed distracted and only interested in talking with Varric. He stood far enough away from them that he couldn't hear their words but he suspected he knew what they were talking about. Anders. She couldn't forgive herself for killing Anders, even though it was the right thing to do. And she couldn't talk to him about it because 'he didn't understand.' Of course he didn't. Anders should have been killed years before he caused all this trouble and Fenris would have done it if not for Hawke. She had been friends with the mage, perhaps because they were both apostates. Mages. Fenris despised them even though he cared for Hawke.
"You look thoughtful," came a cheery voice next to him. Another mage. Fenris didn't even bother to look at Merrill. He didn't reply to her either.
The younger elf frowned. "Cat got your tongue, Fenris?"
"What do you want, mage?" His voice was nearly a growl.
"They've been talking for a long time and you've been staring at them the whole time with this frown on your face. Do you know what they are talking about?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Could you tell me? I don't want to interrupt. It looks serious."
"Anders," Fenris snarled.
"Oh," Merrill replied simply. "She probably feels bad. I know I would. But I wouldn't have killed him."
"He deserved to die."
Merrill gasped. "So this is why she's talking to Varric and not you. I understand."
"Good. Then would you leave me alone?"
"That's your problem, Fenris. You are alone too much of the time." She turned and walked away before he could reply.
"I still can't believe I did it, Varric. I took his life."
"You've taken many lives Hawke."
"Yes, but they were all trying to kill me. And they weren't… they weren't…" her voice trailed off as she choked back a sob. Tears formed in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. Varric sat quietly waiting for her to go on. "My friend." Kimberly desperately tried to hold herself together but she was losing the battle. "We were both apostates, hiding from the Circle. Fighting for the freedom of mages. I thought we had a chance. Meridith… she was going too far. Even King Alistair said as much. If he had been able to help us…" She shook her head. "No, King Alistair was right - there was nothing he could have done to help us. This isn't Ferelden."
Thinking of Ferelden made her think of her childhood home and this brought on a fresh wave of tears. Memories of Lothering, of Bethany's death, of their long struggle to survive just to reach Kirkwall, a year of mercenary work, and all the things that led up to where she was now. Running for her life with two friends and the man she loved, but mourning the loss of one she very nearly loved. She could close her eyes and see Anders' face - stubble on his chin, his blond hair tied back. At one time she had wanted to untie that knot and run her fingers through his hair, but that was a very long time ago. Ever since she and Fenris… well, it wasn't the same.
Anders had become even more of a recluse in the past three years. Seeing templars everywhere, even if they weren't there. She offered to let him live in the basement of her mansion if he thought that would be safer than the clinic but he rejected the idea. She thought he may have seen more in their relationship than there was and perhaps he was afraid to be that close to her. She didn't know what went on inside his head. Only that he saw her as a champion for the cause of mage freedom. And maybe she was but not enough to kill the Grand Cleric for it. Not enough to blow up the Chantry and start a war. No, not that much.
All of these thoughts running through her head brought on a fresh wave of tears. "Varric, he was your friend too. Would you have done it?"
Varric looked thoughtful for a time, staring off into the rock filled cavern. At least Kimberly thought he did, what she could see of his face through her tears. When he spoke, his voice was sincere, no trace of the typical snarky dwarf. "I don't know, Hawke. I wasn't involved in the mage war like you two were. What Blondie did was wrong. He went too far, just as Meridith went too far, and Orsino too for that matter. There were two kinds of crazy going on - mage and templar - and I didn't get involved. It wasn't my fight."
"But would you have killed him?"
"If it were me or if I were you?"
She shook her head. Now he was just confusing her. "Either. Both."
"I probably would have let him live. But this wasn't my fight."
Kimberly hung her head. "So I did the wrong thing."
"I'm not saying that, Hawke. You did the right thing for you."
She suddenly turned defensive and angry. "How can you say that? When a man I really cared for is dead by my hand?"
"His actions have torn apart your world. Do you really think mages and templars can come together in peace now?"
Her tears dried as anger flooded her veins. "He lied to me. There was no potion. He blackmailed me and coerced me into helping him plant that bomb. He used me. That isn't how you treat a friend."
"True."
Kimberly clenched her fists into balls. "I am so angry with him. And I am angry with myself. For killing him, for allowing him to use me, for not stopping him when I saw he was going too far. Anders needed help. I couldn't help him. I failed him."
"Don't blame yourself for his actions, Hawke. You can't fix another person."
"If I had known, I would have stopped him."
"Which is why he didn't tell you. Besides, could you have stopped him?"
"I would have tried."
"I think Blondie was beyond even you, Hawke. He's either gone to the Maker or he's lost in Oblivion. Nothing you say or do now can bring him back. Guilt won't bring him back. You need to go on with your life. There's an elf who needs you. Two, if you count Merrill. Look to the future, Hawke. Blondie would want that."
"The future." She leaned over and put her head on Varric's shoulder. He responded by rubbing her back.
Uncomfortable with emotions himself, Varric pulled his hand back. "Speaking of the future, there's a scowling elf against the wall who's been watching us for the last hour. I'd hate for him to get the wrong idea."