After One Hour or so my Head feelt like it would explode every second now, so I dicided it was time for a breake.

In the corner of my eyes I focused Matt who was still klicking his buttons almost completly silent and does he sit like this for the last entire hour? Or maybe longer, he played on this game since I woke up in the morning if I remember it right...

"Hey man..." I spun around in my chair, facing him even troght his eyes were glued to the screen. I know he was listining...he always does. Multitasking was one of his greatest skills, it just colliedes with his lazyness most of the time. I often forget he is a genius...

"Wanna go out for a walk..?" it seems simply not fitting to ask him, out if all people who enjoy beeing outside and breathing fresh air sonetimes. But I still do..I mean it can't be wrong to try, right?First no answer came. Then as I began to feel stupid and thought about something to shout at him he paused his game and looked up."Sure...I need a smoke..!" cane the easy reply with a mooking grin on his lips. He lifter his little weight up and streched his limbs before he trapped his jacket from the bed.I was already putting my on. It's September, so the days are getting colder. If I could choose u would say summer is nicer, simply becourse I can handle heat better then cold. I start feeling cold easyli, wich is getting on my nerves the first step we took outside if the well heated warm building. Quiete rare to see Matt outside, the last time was...July I think. He dosent seem to see the need to it, he could smoke inside, with an open window ohlf course, play games inside...that's almost everything he does.

While Outside leaning at one of the old walls of Wammys House wich seem to be at least 100 years old I watched the smoke slowly rising from the glowing end if Matts cigarette up to the blue slithly turning dark this time of the year the days are getting shorter everyday and colder as well.I was already shivering.

"Do you always have to smoke..?" my voice has a slithly mooking tone in it, the one I know Matt would usually smile about while my foot kicked a stone from left to right.

"Can you ever stop eating chocolate?" he confers, then lifting his almost unseen eyebrows, chuckling slithly nervous. Or am I imagining this..?

"Oh sorry, I forgot. Your away from the stuff for a while now, are you..?" he added. Making me uncomfortable for no reason.

This question makes me a bit more nervous then I thought It would, I'm shifting my weight from one foot to the other wich I think dosent make anything eyes focus a cloud above us.

"Yeah..seems like it..don't really now..." I mumble as an answer, just Like I haven't realized it or thought about , it's hard to stay away from that shit. It's my secret obsession, maybe becourse it was always my favorite way of releasing stress...not a good way but better then hurting soneone, something...or myself. But chocolate as tasty and addicting as it is is forbidden for me now.

I don't deserve just becourse I hate myself, wich I at sone rate really do, not just becourse I was so stupid to fall in love with my best friend who I clearly don't know, as a catholic it is forbidden to love the same gender. Strictly forbidden, I will go stright to hell for it!So the best thong I can do is not letting run Matt into these sins as well. Not that I think he could possibly ever..you know, love me or something like that. But i would mist likely make him think about Bering gay and he would probebly try somethings or think about these and then...no, I won't risk that. Of course it is for the safty of my own not completly broken heart too. He will break it some day, that's one thing I'm sure of. But as long as this dream could least, as long as I'm just cracked but not totally broken to the core everything is bearable. The Lear thing I could ever hope for..."Why..?"His question seems to come out of nowhere, in my ears it seems to be coming from far first I can't thing about any good answer on that. I have thought about a few if somebody gets courios about anything if course but I haven't really thought about using them.

And not on Matt. He knows me best of all, if somebody knows anything of me at all then it is Matt. That's a dangerous thing, like playing with fire. I always had a nerve for that.

"Hmmm.." like I was thinking about it, like I really haven't noticed. Then u shrugged."Dont really know. Probebly just ate a bit too much of it lately. If you ate too much if something you have soon enought of the taste." i stated.

Hopefully he believes it if only for the moment.

"...know what you mean man. Did this with my favorite soda last year." he shifts his head to my side looking at me and gestuing with his hands wich were hidding in his jeans pickets before, playing with his packet of cigaretts.

"You know the lemon one I liked so much? Always drank it while playing Resident evil, for two or tree weeks. But this game turned out to be hard at the end so it took me longer then I thought. Spend 3 nights on it, the whole weekend. I think I killed 10 cans of this drink back then..." seems like he couted with his fingers for a moment while remembering this days with a small smile on his thin lips.

"Could have been more...maybe 20...?"I just rolled my eyes and kicked the stone a little to far away. Should I run after it and get this little toy back or not..? Ya, I really spent two minutes thinking about it. Pretty useless thought, hm..?

"But siriously I never thought you could have enought of chocolate one day..! You eat it since the day I arrived here. Was the first thing I saw you doing, ecept for beating the shit out of Near...!" he laughts and drips his smoked cigarette.

A small smile captured my lips, just for a small moment, while i walked over to the little stone and kicked it back, till it landed where Matt was standing. He looked at it once, then kicked it back into my direction, making me run torwards it to catch it with my left like he started game here, surprising course he never liked to play football with the others. Or maybe that's just becourse he don't like the others much. Or many people in one place, crouded together.

Or people in generel...The game spead up, suddenly we both were running after the stone, pushing it from one side to the other, playing tricks to avoid the other one to get near long ago was it since I last had that much fun, away from books and work sheets? Can't really remember that. It was...the beginning of summer I think. At Lear I remember running barfoot by the small river behind the house in the woods.I can't even remember the last time I haven't thought about learning and getting better or beating near in something, Matt was near me, triumg to catch the stone with his foot, crossing mine with it while I kick the stone from left to right.

We were do fought up in this little game, so little fun we had in this house, that suddely his leg crossed mine, he stumpled, yanking his arms in the air and trying to get his balance back. That didn't work so well, Matts cold hand grabbed my arm, to gain balance wich brought me to stumble backwards and yanking him don't with me to the ground. Gasping I closed my eyes waiting for the pain wich would spread fast in my back when I crashed to the ground.

With only a small noise we both fall over, I feel pain in my left arm and my ribs, also of course in my back on wich I landed at the dirty ground.

I felt a weight on my body so I quickly opened my eyes again.

Matt was laying ontop of me, he had accidently Bitten his lip, small drops of red falling on my Braun coat. It seems like he needed a few seconds to focus, while I gained back control of my berating and trying to stand up and helping him in one was holding me back, his weight althroight he was far from chubby pushing me down and gluing my limbs to the eyes focused on his again, trying not to look at his bleeding lip to get away from the urge building in my tingling seems like he got his thoughts sorted again but something was still off.

He..was looking kind of surprised, all color was drained of his face, could have been becourse of his bleeding lip, his eyes were wide and he cocked his eyebrow while looking down on me.

"What..?" I barked at him, trying to wake Him from his almost frozen form.

"Do you plan on sitting there forever? I can't feel my leg anymore, so If you could move...!" I started, but I haven't reached the end of this sentence when he opened his mouth.

"Have you lost weight Mells...?" His voice seemed flat.

My eyes widen at the moment and I think my heart skipped a beat.

What does he mean? It isnt that obvious, right? From waht I see in the mirror and on the scales there was still a good amouth of flesh on me. Maybe not much as it was there, but still enought.

Still too much for my taste...I felt kind of exposed so I quickly forced an surprised look on my face.

"Uhm, ya, maybe. Don't really know.." I shrugged while he still didnt seem to move.

That of course makes me nervous, the Way he Looks like He knows everything even trought I know for sure that he can't know anything of what swirls around in my head everyday.

On the outside I look kind of calm, like it was just a normal question. A normal question requires a normal answer.

But on the inside I'm burning up. Not only due to the fact that he is still laying upon me, but becourse I was never before In a situation that could be that...dangerous for my real me.

The inside me.

My gaze shifted from him to the dirt on the ground I began chewing my lip while thinking 1000 thoughts at the same time. My head will surely starting to hurt if the situation won't change soon. My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest any second now, even my usualy cold hands became warm und sweaty from Matts presence on top of me.