LEE'S NOTE: Some footage from security cameras that might be of interest. Involves the incident that occurred when Ambassador was thirteen, which earned that unfortunate moniker in the media. Please find attached the preliminary transcripts of all relevant footage. Regretfully, the transcripts are unpolished and somewhat colloquial. Upon attempting to review the videos again to clean up the transcripts after sending them to analysis experts, every video in the file played only episodes of "Cooking with Mettaton." I have attempted to embellish the descriptions with as much detail as I can recall.
Additional apologies: IT is still unable to fix data corruption pertaining to timestamps.
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 16:00
Location: Human-Monster Embassy, Great Hall
[Assembly of human and monster dignitaries in the Great Hall of the Embassy. Ambassador Dreemurr approaches the throne to deliver her first official address as a representative of the House of Dreemurr. Of note: the Ambassador is wearing royal vestments. The symbol embroidered on the Ambassador's vestments is the Delta Rune, emblematic of the royal house. The symbol recurs in the formal attire of Queen Toriel and King Asgore, who are seated in gallery behind the dais. Digital enhancement indicates that the symbol appearing on the Ambassador's diadem is the portion of the Delta Rune referred to as "The Angel." Symbolism of the Ambassador's jewellery remains uncertain, particularly the locket and the pearl bracelet. The other bracelet the Ambassador wears is most likely a "friendship bracelet"; similar bracelets are often worn by various members of the Ambassador's household.]
CRIER:The assembly will please rise for Her Royal Highness, Katherine Anne Frisk of the House of Dreemurr, Ambassador of Humanity and Ambassador of Monsters.
[The assembly rises. The Ambassador appears to be sweating. There is a visible tremor in the Ambassador's hands before she conceals them behind her vestments. The Ambassador takes her place before the throne and sits.]
UNIDENTIFIED SOUND.
[ETA: Logistics has identified the sound as a whoopie cushion. Identification took some time as the Logistics team did not believe their initial conclusions could be correct and reran their analysis multiple times.]
ASSEMBLY: [muffled laughter]
[The Ambassador looks sharply to someone in the assembly. Ambassador Dreemurr does not appear happy. No camera was trained on the place where the Ambassador was looking; the subject of the Ambassador's look remains unidentified.]
[The Ambassador delivers a rousing speech about the future of positive relations between humans and monsters. It's the one that's in all the textbooks now - the "I am determined" speech. Transcript of the speech is not relevant to the focus of this investigation. Standing ovation follows the speech. Ambassador Dreemurr rises and leaves the Great Hall in some haste. There is nothing visible on the seat of the throne.]
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 17:04
Location: Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Corridor
[Sans Skeleton traverses the hallway from east to west, whistling. Biologists on staff are attempting to figure out the logistics of this given the subject's lack of lips.]
[Scream is heard from a source out of frame to the east. Sound grows louder as the subject approaches the camera. No reaction from Skeleton as Ambassador Dreemurr enters the camera's field of view and launches herself toward Skeleton. Skeleton is no longer standing in her path, and the Ambassador falls. Notable jump cut indicates that someone may have been tampering with security footage. Logistics is still attempting to deduce how the tampering occurred; aside from the obvious jump cut, the footage bears no additional evidence of alteration.]
AMBASSADOR: Sans! I'm so going to kill you!
SKELETON: okay, but you have to catch me first, bud.
[Note: Apologies for formatting inconsistencies. Transcription files have a tendency to glitch if certain persons are not transcribed in particular fonts and/or styles. Logistics and IT are working on the problem. For now, we just kind of go with it.]
[Ambassador Dreemurr stands and lunges for Skeleton. Security camera loses the feed for fifteen seconds. When the feed resumes, the corridor is empty. Ambassador Dreemurr and Sans Skeleton do not appear in any further security footage from adjacent cameras.]
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 17:07
Location: Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Roof
[Ambassador Dreemurr sits on the edge of the embassy roof and pulls out her phone. Sends a text message.]
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 17:08
Location: Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Gardens
[Northeast gardens are empty. Papyrus Skeleton arrives at a run from the east. P. Skeleton looks up from his phone. Probable object of his attention is the roof.]
P. SKELETON:OH MY GOD! SANS!
[P. Skeleton moves aside. P. Skeleton was blocking S. Skeleton from the camera. S. Skeleton was not in view before P. Skeleton entered the frame. No footprints are visible in the snow except those left by P. Skeleton. Possible evidence of tampering with security footage? Investigate.]
S. SKELETON: hey, bro. what's up?
P. SKELETON: THE HUMAN IS UP!
S. SKELETON: which one? there's a lot of humans around this place.
[P. Skeleton leaves an impression in the snow when he stamps his foot.]
P. SKELETON: YOU KNOW WHICH ONE! *OUR* HUMAN!
[S. Skeleton looks up.]
S. SKELETON: huh. so they are.
P. SKELETON: WELL? DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU LAZYBONES! WE HAVE TO GET THEM DOWN!
S. SKELETON: how? there's no door up there.
P. SKELETON: UGH, WHY ARE YOU SO USELESS? I WILL JUST HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF!
[P. Skeleton calls up to the roof.]
P. SKELETON: HUMAN! YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER! I AM HERE TO SAVE YOU, AND I AM FAR MORE USEFUL THAN MY BROTHER! JUMP, AND DRIFT GENTLY LIKE A CLOUD INTO MY WAITING ARMS! HAVE FAITH IN THE STRENGTH OF THESE MIGHTY BICEPS!
[Note: S. Skeleton glances directly at the security camera. Awareness of the location of the cameras may implicate S. Skeleton as a potential source of tampering.]
S. SKELETON: you sure that's a good idea, bro? it's a long way down.
P. SKELETON: UM... YOU MAY BE RIGHT. ATTENTION! FRISK! DRIFTING IS INADVISABLE! IT IS NOT THAT I DOUBT THE MIGHTINESS OF MY ARMS BUT- AAH!
[Falling object collides with P. Skeleton and both are driven into the snow and out of sight of the camera. Falling object positively identified by Logistics as Ambassador Dreemurr.]
S. SKELETON: ...oh boy.
P. SKELETON: [from hole] SANS? SANS, I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM!
[P. Skeleton emerges from the hole carrying Ambassador Dreemurr. The Ambassador appears to be crying. Difficult to tell. Her face is against P. Skeleton's shoulder and concealed by P. Skeleton's scarf...cape...scarf]
P. SKELETON: I THINK WE BROKE THE HUMAN!
[Embassy guard enters from left. Armour emblem indicates this guard is Guard Captain Undyne.]
UNDYNE: All right, punks, what is all this commotion? AND WHY AM I NOT PART OF IT?
P. SKELETON: UNDYNE, HELP! I THINK I BROKE FRISK!
UNDYNE: Oh my god, Papyrus, it's not the first time Frisk's been hurt! Just give them some spaghetti or something and they'll be fine.
[P. Skeleton looks at the Ambassador.]
P. SKELETON: I DON'T THINK THIS CAN BE FIXED BY PASTA! NOT EVEN *MY* PASTA! I THINK WE NEED ONE OF THOSE HOSPITAL THINGS!
UNDYNE: What, really? Aw, man, poor kid. Okay then, everyone stay calm. I know exactly what to do. NGAHHHH!
[Undyne kicks over nearby statuary. Reason unclear. Logistics suggests "because she can."]
UNDYNE: NEW PLAN, GOOBERS! To the hospital! Papyrus, you drive! I'LL BE THE SIREN!
[P. Skeleton and Undyne exit to the west with the Ambassador, running.]
S. SKELETON: well, crap.
[Lens flare precedes a short of the security camera. Footage shows three minutes of static. When the feed resumes, S. Skeleton is no longer in view. No footprints in the snow. Footage of P. Skeleton and Undyne with the Ambassador appears on adjacent cameras, but S. Skeleton could not be found in any footage. Further suggests evidence of tampering.]
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 18:48
Location: Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Emergency Room C
[Consultation between ER resident Dr. Crenshaw and the King and Queen. Both Skeletons, Undyne, and Ambassador Dreemurr are also present. Undyne remains in a chair in a corner throughout, and appears largely inattentive during most of the exchange. Though she seems to be reading a manga featuring a sword-wielding princess, Behaviour Analysis concurs that she is actually guarding the royal family. The Ambassador is heavily sedated. Skipping transcription of pleasantries and Their Majesties consoling the Ambassador. Transcript resumes on possible significant content.]
[Crenshaw opens an x-ray of the Ambassador's leg on the main display screen to assist in her explanation of the diagnosis to the Ambassador's parents.]
CRENSHAW: So you can see the fracture here-
P. SKELETON: WAIT- WHO IS *THAT*?
CRENSHAW: It's… the Ambassador's leg.
P. SKELETON: WHAT? FRISK, YOU'VE BEEN A SKELETON THIS WHOLE TIME? NO WONDER I FELT SUCH A SENSE OF KINSHIP THE FIRST TIME WE MET! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
AMBASSADOR: Don' worry, Papy. 'S going tibia okay.
S. SKELETON & T. DREEMURR: [Muffled laughter]
CRENSHAW: If I may, Your Majesties. The fracture itself is fairly minor and should heal quickly and in short order.
A. DREEMURR: Good thing she had you to break her fall.
[A. Dreemurr gives P. Skeleton what I presume is meant to be a friendly pat on the back. P. Skeleton ends up on the floor.]
P. SKELETON: I'M USEFUL!
T. DREEMURR: Indeed.
CRENSHAW: Your Majesties, please. The microfracture is quite treatable, especially with some of Dr. Alphys' new additions to our facilities, but it's not what I really wished to speak to you about. If I can show you the rest of the Ambassador's x-rays…
[Crenshaw opens additional files, including an x-ray of the Ambassador's pelvis.]
P. SKELETON: [AUDIBLE GASP] FRISK! YOU'RE A GIRL!
AMBASSADOR: Uh, yeah. I guess I am.
UNDYNE: Seriously, Papyrus, you're just clueing in now? YOU'VE KNOWN THE LITTLE PUNK FOR FIVE YEARS!
P. SKELETON: WELL YES, BUT WHO CAN TELL UNDER ALL THAT SKIN?
AMBASSADOR: 'S'okay Papyrus. I'm good with being whatever. I really don' care that much.
P. SKELETON: UGH, WHY IS UNDERSTANDING HUMANS SO *HARD?* YOU HAVE TOO MANY LAYERS!
CRENSHAW: Ladies and gentlemonsters and variations thereupon, please! We have patients trying to rest here! Now, Your Majesties, if I could have a word with you… erm, alone…
[Crenshaw looks pointedly at the Ambassador.]
P. SKELETON: OH! I CAN HELP!
[P. Skeleton covers the Ambassador's ears and begins to sing what appears to be a rousing theme song about himself and his heroic deeds. Audio becomes difficult to transcribe afterward, but best extrapolation follows.]
CRENSHAW: What really concerns me is these lines here. These are old fractures. The Ambassador has hundreds of them, and they all seem to have occurred at about the same time. From the look of them… they date back to on or around the date of Barrier Fall.
T. DREEMURR: Frisk has always been a very fearless child, Doctor.
CRENSHAW: Yes, but this goes beyond fearlessness. This is less what I see on a professional mountain climber or stunt performer, and more… more like… um...
T. DREEMURR: What. Exactly. Are you. Implying?
A. DREEMURR: Now, dear, let's hear the doctor out.
T. DREEMURR: Asgore, if you try to placate me again, I shall set something on fire, and I cannot guarantee that it will not be you.
CRENSHAW: Oh, I wasn't implying you had anything to do with this, Your Majesty! I just wondered if… well, how much do you know of your child's history before their adoption?
[Audio quality becomes very poor. P. Skeleton singing a chorus about a merry band of skeleton pirates opening a pasta restaurant.]
T. DREEMURR: [INAUDIBLE]
A. DREEMURR: [Visibly upset] [INAUDIBLE]
[T. Dreemurr takes A. Dreemurr's hand.]
CRENSHAW: [INAUDIBLE] ...repressed…. [INAUDIBLE] ... a therapist with experience in… [INAUDIBLE].
T. DREEMURR: PAPYRUS, PLEASE! That is enough, dear.
P. SKELETON: YES, SIR, MRS. KING. BUT… I HAVE ANOTHER FIVE VERSES TO GO IF YOU NEED ME TO-
T. DREEMURR: Goodness! You are very… verse-atile.
S. SKELETON: [muffled laughter]
T. DREEMURR: But really, that will be enough. Thank you.
A. DREEMURR: And thank you, Doctor. We'll let you know. Can you treat Frisk now?
CRENSHAW: Yes, Your Majesty. Of course.
[Note: We attempted to retrieve the Ambassador's x-rays, as the resolution on the security footage was not high enough to make out the injuries referenced by the doctor. Attempting to download the files erased all images on the drive and changed the desktop image on all computers on the network to a movie poster of the romantic comedy "Electric Love" starring Mettaton.]
Date: December 10, 20[xx]. 19:21
Location: Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Royal Suite
[Relevant footage begins after Dr. Crenshaw applied a cast to the Ambassador's leg. At this time, the King and Queen are in the doctor's office receiving follow-up care instructions. Undyne stopped to purchase a package of shrimp chips from a vending machine and decided to fight it when it ate her money. P. Skeleton purchased a book from the hospital gift shop while waiting for the Ambassador's treatment to finish, and has been reading it in the Ambassador's room. Amazon search indicates it is this book. [Teenagers: A Natural History] S. Skeleton emerges from behind the privacy curtain next to the Ambassador's bed. Cannot determine from any available footage when S. Skeleton entered the room.]
P. SKELETON: AH! IT SAYS HERE IN THIS VERY INFORMATIVE GUIDE BOOK ON HUMAN LIFE CYCLES THAT AS A HUMAN REACHES YOUR AGE, YOU CAN EXPECT TO GO THROUGH CERTAIN CHANGES-
AMBASSADOR: Oh, no…[attempts to pull her blanket over her head]
P. SKELETON: OH, YES! [pulls the blanket back down] -AND THAT SOME OF THESE CHANGES INVOLVE SELF-ESTEEM! FRISK, I MUST TELL YOU THAT ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE SPENT THE LAST FIVE YEARS LIVING WITH A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE PINNACLE OF SKELETONLY BEAUTY-
S. SKELETON: papyrus, stop, you're making me blush.
P. SKELETON: WHA- NO, NOT *YOU* SANS. HONESTLY! NOW STOP DISTRACTING ME! I'M PARENTING! FRISK, I KNOW THAT I AM TRULY INTIMIDATING, BUT YOU MUST NOT LET THAT MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR. YOU HAVE LOVELY SKELETAL STRUCTURE, AND YOU HAVE NO REASON TO CONCEAL IT BEHIND ALL THAT SKIN!
[P. Skeleton takes the Ambassador's hand.]
P. SKELETON: OF COURSE, IF YOU ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THIS BUT HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO WEAR YOUR SKIN BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, THAT IS ALSO FINE. I JUST MEAN TO SAY THAT WHETHER YOU CHOOSE TO WEAR YOUR SKELETON INSIDE OR OUT, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE SELF-ESTEEMY ABOUT. YOU ARE VERY PLEASANT WITH OR WITHOUT SKIN, AND EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT, YOUR PERSONALITY IS ALSO VERY NICE, WHICH IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR BONE STRUCTURE.
[P. Skeleton wipes a tear from his eye.]
P. SKELETON: YOU ARE GROWING UP SO FAST, AND ALREADY, YOU ARE TAKING AFTER ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ROLLIEST OF ROLE MODELS-
[S. Skeleton pulls the Ambassador's food tray from behind the privacy curtain. No footage of the food tray being brought into the room has been found. The food service schedule indicates dinner service was an hour earlier, before the Ambassador was assigned to the room.]
S. SKELETON: oh look, chow time. they gave you spaghetti.
P. SKELETON: WH- I- NO! WHAT IS *THIS* SUPPOSED TO BE? THEY CALL THESE LIMP, PASTY LITTLE THINGS *NOODLES*? AND WHAT IS THIS SAUCE? THIS IS AN AFFRONT TO TOMATOES EVERYWHERE! HOW *DARE* THEY INSULT OUR AMBASSADOR WITH THIS… THIS… AAAAHHH! FEAR NOT, HUMAN, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, SHALL SAVE YOU FROM THIS MEDIOCRITY!
[P. Skeleton throws the spaghetti at the door as Undyne and Dr. Alphys enter.]
UNDYNE: Hey, we're having a food fight now? OUTSTANDING! Hospitals are so much cooler than I thought! What's left? I wanna throw some!
P. SKELETON: UNDYNE, NO! LOOK! LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE THE GALL TO SERVE OUR HUMAN! THEY CALL THAT *SWILL* SPAGHETTI!
UNDYNE: But that… that's… WHAT? WHERE IS THE PASSION? WHERE IS THE RIGHTEOUS FURY AS THEY POUND THE VEGETABLES INTO SUBMISSION?
P. SKELETON: THESE SO-CALLED COOKS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT POWER PASTA! HAVE THEY NOT READ MY COOKBOOK?
S. SKELETON: too bad they don't have anyone to teach them, huh?
P. SKELETON: AH! BUT THEY DO! THE GREAT PAPYRUS SHALL LEAD THEM TO THE LIGHT!
UNDYNE: Yeah! Time for a cooking lesson they will NEVER FORGET!
P. SKELETON: TO THE KITCHENS!
UNDYNE: NGAHHHH!
[P. Skeleton and Undyne run from the room. Dr. Alphys watches them go, and then approaches the Ambassador's bed.]
ALPHYS: Um, hey. I-I should probably go make sure they don't break anything. Or anyone. We, uh… we brought you a cactus. Undyne really liked it. She said that it's not wimpy like most plants 'cause it carries its own spears. So… I guess you're not coming over to watch Princess Bazooka Unicorn Tank Rider with us tonight, huh? But, um, I saw your charts? And you should be feeling better soon. You'll be out of here in the morning. Probably. And then we can watch together!
[Alphys hugs the Ambassador and places the cactus in her lap.]
ALPHYS: Feel better, Frisk!
[Alphys leaves in pursuit of P. Skeleton and Undyne. The Ambassador looks down at the cactus and attempts to move it from her lap.]
AMBASSADOR: Ow.
[S. Skeleton moves the cactus to the dinner tray and pushes it to the side.]
S. SKELETON: there you go. you wanna watch tv or something?
AMBASSADOR: I guess.
S. SKELETON: mind if I come up there? the chair's kind of covered in spaghetti right now.
AMBASSADOR: If you want.
[S. Skeleton hesitates, but the Ambassador shifts enough to make room beside her. S. Skeleton sits on the bed next to her and hands her the remote. The Ambassador turns on the TV.]
NEWS BROADCAST: -they're calling it "the Fart Heard 'Round the World." It's safe to say it was the last thing anyone expected to hear at this landmark royal address.
[Raw footage of the moment just before the speech at the assembly. Fart-like whoopie cushion sound is audible in the hospital room, and has likely been enhanced by the broadcasters. The Ambassador stares at the screen.]
S. SKELETON: uh…
NEWS BROADCAST: But what do the people have to say about this "breaking" story?
PERSON ON THE STREET #1: Quite shocking! What do they teach children these days?
PERSON ON THE STREET #2: Naw, man, that was hilarious. Like, good to know these royal types got a sense of humour, you know?
CHILD ON THE STREET: I used to be scared there was a monster in my closet, but I didn't know they were funny. I want one there now.
PERSON ON THE STREET #3: I was worried that having a monarchy establishing itself in this country was a terrible idea, but they're people just like us. And that speech the Ambassador gave after was fantastic. I really think this could be good for us. I'm excited to see what happens next.
[The Ambassador turns the TV off, still staring at the screen. S. Skeleton seems unsure of what to say. The Ambassador starts to shake. Then, the shaking turns into laughter for a very long time.]
AMBASSADOR: Okay, okay, you were right. I was taking that speech too seriously. Couldn't you have found anything other than a whoopie cushion to loosen me up, though?
S. SKELETON: what's a whoopie cushion?
[The Ambassador hits S. Skeleton with her pillow, then leans against him. Fairly evident she is no longer angry.]
AMBASSADOR: Can we see what's on the scifi channel?
S. SKELETON: sure, buddy. whatever you want. [S. Skeleton turns the TV back on and changes the channel.] you need anything?
AMBASSADOR: No. [pauses] My leg hurts.
S. SKELETON: i know, pal. but you heard the doc - it'll be better before you know it.
AMBASSADOR: I guess. [The Ambassador looks toward the door.] My dinner's on the floor.
S. SKELETON: good thing i came prepared.
[S. Skeleton produces a hot dog from his jacket and gives it to the Ambassador. The Ambassador and S. Skeleton watch a science fiction movie for the next thirteen minutes. The Ambassador falls asleep on 's shoulder. S. Skeleton puts his arm around her. The movement shifts the Ambassador's leg, and she flinches without waking.]
S. SKELETON: aw, heck, kiddo, i'm sorry. don't worry. I got this one.
[Flash from unknown source shorts out the camera. Feed does not resume.]
Date: December 11, 20[xx]. 08:47
Location: Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Parking Lot
[Security cameras in the parking lot have no audio. Video shows Ambassador Dreemurr being carried to the Embassy car over Undyne's shoulder. The Ambassador appears to be protesting. Undyne engages in an argument with P. Skeleton over the car keys. P. Skeleton runs away, and Undyne sets the Ambassador down and takes off in pursuit.]
[King Asgore and Queen Toriel wave from the Embassy's second car a few spots away. S. Skeleton takes the Ambassador's hand and walks her to the second car.]
[The Ambassador is not wearing a cast.]
Additional files for reference:
File 1: Hospital incident report. Kitchen cook treated for sprained wrist. Cause of injury listed as "passionate stirring."
File 2: Hospital custodial staff grievance for overtime spent cleaning pasta sauce off the kitchen walls and ceiling.
File 3: Revised hospital Menu released December 12, 20[xx]
File 4: Figure 1:Patient recovery rates. Figure 2: Hospital discharge rates. Note spike in both figures corresponding with revised menu.
File 5: Hospital maintenance report and invoice. On attempting to repair the security camera in the Royal Suite, IT technicians found that it had melted to slag. Replacement required.