Oh bloody hell, I forgot to do that disclaimer thing back in chapter one. I DON'T OWN ANYTHING. There. That'll do.

This chapter has pretty much no plot, I wrote most of it while under the influence (surprised?). Also it has a few slashy-type references, so I'm hoping that'll get me some nice flames.

Okeyday then, story time …

'Must … kill … thing!! Arrghh!!' Arwen shrieked, pissed beyond the point of coherence as she struggled against the unbreakable grip of her elder brothers.

Elrond stood in a state of shock as his daughter was claimed by madness. Gandalf, having finally reaffirmed his alliance with the Lord of Rivendell, had made short work of extinguishing the kitchen's blazes and now waited in respectful silence beside him.

'Can't … not …blood … have … destroy!!!'

'I think she's taking it well, considering,' Elrohir commented to Elladan as their younger sibling futilely raged against their restraint. His brother shot him a disbelieving look in return.

'Gandalf … I can't believe you actually did that to me,' Elrond croaked weakly.

The wizard looked uncomfortable. 'Sorry, m'lord, it was strong shit, you know?'

Elrond sighed. 'Now she's completely over-reacting. I knew this would happen.'

'OVER-REACTING?!?!!' Somehow those words had penetrated the dense cloud of insane rage that fogged Arwen's mind. 'I FIND OUT YOU'VE SLEPT WITH MY BETROTHED AND YOU CALL IT FUCKING OVER-REACTING?!!'

'Arwen …'

'SAVE IT!!'

'… it was before he even met you,' Elrond went on anyway. 'He was just this horny kid who had a crush on me – like you can blame him. I wasn't interested of course – oh, no offense … But yeah, well, you know how persistent he can be.'

'When you think about it, persistence is a good thing for a future king to have,' Gandalf put in, trying to be helpful.

'Don't you dare try to blame this on him!' Arwen hissed lividly, completely ignoring the Maia. 'To think I respected you above all others, Father, one who would seduce an innocent mortal entrusted to his care.'

'Like Mandos' Halls I did!' Elrond retorted. 'Look, it was only once, on the eve of his twentieth year. Despite popular opinion, I'm not made of stone, and the cunning bastard drugged my miruvor with something that would make Trolls look attractive!'

'So you admit, you enjoyed it! You sick excuse for an Eldar, I swear I'll hate you forever for this!'

The elf-lord rolled his eyes. 'On a brighter note, I seem to recall at last that all of this is Elrohir's fault. "Oh, do let's smoke the Lorien blend, Father, it'll be so much fun!"' he mimicked in a disparaging falsetto voice.

The younger son of Elrond's cheeks flushed slightly. 'Er … sorry,' he mumbled, concentrating on holding Arwen, who wasn't really fighting anymore.

'By the Shire, that's right. It was Elrohir's idea,' Frodo said in wonder, as if this was the most important fact ever revealed in Middle-earth.

His cousins fixed him with twin looks of confusion. 'Frodo, are you feeling –' Merry was cut off as a horrifying, if belated, thought occurred to Gandalf.

'Elrond!' the wizard cried suddenly. 'You did the Lorien stash without me?!!'

The elf-lord glared at him. 'You're in no position to be indignant about anything, you hypersensitive git!'

'Hey, I apologized, didn't I! Furthermore you did it before I forced you to admit your repressed bisexuality. That's just cold, Elrond.'

'Oh shut up. There's plenty left upstairs, besides.'

'Excellent,' the Maia said, abruptly taking off in the direction of Elrond's suite.

'Wait, Wizard of Pyromania, you're going nowhere alone,' Elrond growled, moving to follow him.

'Stop!!' the icy voice of the Evenstar halted their attempt at migration. 'Nobody is doing anything until we find Aragorn! I want to hear his side of the story.' Her resolute glare held no room for argument.

The House of Elrond was really, really big, Frodo realized as the company, lead by Arwen and comprising three bewildered hobbits, a pair of vastly amused elf twins, unhappy Istar and another resigned elf, progressed toward Aragorn's quarters at the easternmost wing of Elrond's home.

Arwen stopped outside her betrothed's rooms. 'Wait here,' she ordered crisply, then flung open the door. 'ESTEL!!!' came the furious bellow as Arwen stormed inside.

'This should be good,' Elrohir commented.

Elrond was rubbing his temples, the twins were grinning like maniacs and Gandalf was impatiently shifting from one foot to the other, desperately craving a hit of Lorien's specialty. Merry and Pippin merely awaited the outcome of the confrontation with due trepidation. Frodo, having defensively positioned himself behind Gandalf, took to counting the seconds before the inevitable unpleasant reaction erupted from within.

He got as far as three before it happened. A resounding thud came from inside, then a voice cried out in alarm and a scuffle of sorts was heard.

'Ai Elbereth, what now?' Elrond groaned.

'I think she killed him,' Elladan guessed, after a moment.

Elrohir burst out laughing.

'The line of kings is broken at last. Looks like the world of Men's had it, then,' Gandalf supposed, then shrugged. 'Ah well, we tried.'

There was nothing to do but enter the room. The entire company was halted once more by perhaps the most unlikely sight the night had yet offered them.

Crouched over the unconscious body of Arwen Undomiel was Aragorn son of Arathorn, wearing nothing but a strategically placed pillow and a look of grave concern. Standing behind him, attired in a rumpled sheet and a furious blush, was Legolas, elven prince of Mirkwood. A tangled trail of blankets lead from Aragorn's bed to the fainted Evenstar, dragged with the pair during their frantic rush to her side.

'Well, well, Aragorn,' Elladan beamed, his smile so big it looked as though his face would crack. 'Haven't you been getting around!'

Aragorn and Legolas looked up with twin expressions of discomfiture. There was a long pause, as though each party was waiting for the other to speak first.

'Anyone for a hit?' Elrond finally said.

'Estel ... you bastard …' Arwen murmured, gradually pulling herself out of unconsciousness. 'You … how could you even look at another maiden …'

Legolas started a bit at that comment.

'She must not have seen your face before she passed out,' Aragorn offered to his offended lover, which didn't really help much.

'Just because we must be married …. before consummating our love …. you go and screw some cheap whore –' Arwen's brow furrowed and she twitched in agitation.

Legolas lowered his eyes, trying hard to ignore the twin sons of Elrond, who were shaking with restrained laughter.

Aragorn and Legolas, the only two in the company who weren't stoned, had transported Arwen back to Elrond's chamber so the Elven healer could revive her. At least, that had been the plan. It turned out, rather unsurprisingly, that Elrond was in no condition to revive anything because he couldn't remember the correct incantations. He had settled for flicking drops from his least-favourite cologne vial over his daughter, hoping that the sensation would prove annoying enough for her to abandon oblivion.

Gandalf, having at last attained the burning plant of his desire, was having a terrific sort of joyfully wasted buzz. He sat in Elrond's chair mumbling cheerfully to himself and occasionally being overtaken by fits of hilarity. Surrounding him were the three hobbits, perched unmoving at the wizard's feet. Frodo had convinced his cousins to try the mysterious pipeweed, and had himself inhaled far more than earlier. The result was that the Halflings could now do little more than stare wonderingly around the room, all caught in contentedly stupefied trances.

'Ack!' Arwen yelped, coming awake with a jolt as Elrond lost patience and poured the entire vial over her head. She raised herself to a sitting position unsteadily. 'By the Lady, what happened?' the Evenstar murmured, blinking heavily.

'You fainted because you walked in on Aragorn and Legolas doing the nasty,' Elrohir informed his sister.

'Thank you, son, that was very tactful,' Elrond sighed, wondering why in Arda he'd ever had children.

'And you're also pissed because Father did it with Aragorn one time,' the oblivious younger twin continued cheerfully.

'That could be our cue to get out of here,' Elrond quickly resolved, after a look at his daughter's bemused expression. 'I want to be situated nowhere near this vicinity when she figures out how to speak again.'

The others agreed, though mainly because of his impressive use of polysyllabic words. Elrond dragged Gandalf out of his chair to the door, while his sons herded the hobbits in the same direction. Aragorn and Legolas, brave warriors that they were, stayed for Arwen's imminent explosion of wrath.

The door slammed behind them.

'What are we going to do now?' Elladan wondered aloud.

'I miss Sam,' Frodo said, sounding forlorn.

The other hobbits supported the notion that Sam was definitely needed. The elves were fine with that idea, while Gandalf was too fucked to really notice.

'Sounds like a plan,' Elrond decided, tucking his smoking gear into the pocket of his robe. 'Let's go corrupt the nice little chap, shall we?'

The company set off once more, their deranged cackles echoing throughout the silent halls.