AN/ This is for AnirezEifos.
The first chapter from Dimitri's point of view.
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Disclaimer- The Vampire Academy is the property of Richelle Mead.
Forgiveness
My prison release didn't feel much like freedom. Guardians were no longer obligated to shadow my every step and I was more or less left to my own devises but I still felt trapped. There was no escaping the ache in my chest that seemed to expand and contract with every breath I took. I might have become a dhampir again and restored my soul but that didn't mean I had forgotten what I had done as a soulless immortal. The deaths, the torture, the blood.
And my teeth in Roza's neck.
I felt physically sick when I remembered what I had done to my beautiful Roza. Except, no, she wasn't my Roza anymore. She was just Rose now. The girl who's heart I had ripped from her chest.
Love Fades. Mine has.
Why had I ever said that? What on earth had driven me to push her away so harshly, so cruelly? I saw it in her face when I said those words; the anguish and hurt. But she was gone before I could take them back. And honestly what good would it have done? I was no good for her. I was broken, damaged good. Not to mention I had used her as my main food source and then tried to kill her. She was better off without me.
It didn't stop me looking for her though. Almost as soon as she had left the church I was on my feet. The assigned guardians followed dutifully but seemed to hang back a little more than usual. I would have appreciated it if I had taken the time to analyse why but my mind was more focused on Rose and apologising.
It was fruitless though. I never found her and eventually returned to my room feeling frustrated and saddened. I vowed to find her tomorrow and make her hear me out but when I saw her in the cafe the next morning; saw the purple bite on her neck, my hopes of a reconciliation vanished. It hit me, hit me hard, that even if she did forgive me it wouldn't matter because she wasn't mine to lose anymore. She was Ivashkov's. And the mark on her neck might as well have been his name stamped on her forehead.
Of course soon after she was arrested and my chances at apologising diminished even more. Now she was freed I didn't know if I should try talking to her again or if I should just let her go. Maybe it would be better if I just let her go. She could be happy with Ivashkov. He could give her so many things I couldn't. His whole heart not twisted and blackened like mine, financial stability, a home of their own, a family...
I groaned, frustrated at the direction of my thoughts. I rolled over on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I was so restless; I had nothing to do. For the past year my activities had consisted of guarding St Vladimir's and training Rose. Now, seeing as I could do neither of those things, I was at a loss. I had no friends to visit, I was being shunned by society and had no charge to protect. It made me realise just how lonely my life really was.
Feeling my frustration grow I got up and changed into my work out gear. Maybe using some of my energy productively would take the edge off my emotions. I had discovered a scarcely used gym on the outskirts of Court that had become my safe haven. I regularly used it as an outlet and some of the punch bags were in a sorry state but I wasn't about to make any requests for new ones. I'd no doubt just be told to use the main gym like everyone else.
Pushing open the heavy doors I didn't notice the room was already occupied until I was fully inside. I froze when I saw the achingly familiar figure beating the punch bag into submission.
Roza.
No, not Roza. Just Rose now...
I shut down on my feelings, not wanting to collapse under the weight of them. Not here, not now.
She turned around and I expected to see anger, sadness or disgust on her face but she was hideously impassive. I think that hurt more than any cold glare could have.
Silently she turned back to the bag and resumed her work-out. However her movements were more jarring before and I couldn't help but feel ridiculously relieved that she wasn't as unaffected by my presence as she would like to appear.
"You need to find a smoother rhythm or you'll waste your energy too quickly and become more likely to be taken down."
The words were out before I could stop them but the situation felt too familiar; both of us alone in the gym. I didn't even realise I had walked towards her until she spun around. The venom in her expression froze me in my tracks. I was wrong before; this hurt more than the impassive expression.
Please Rose, don't hate me.
"Roza..."
That was obviously the worst thing I could have said at the moment. Her eyes glinted dangerously and her features turned deadly. An avenging angel personified.
"Don't call me that," she hissed. The fury in her face made me want to take a step back and I probably would have if I hadn't been rooted to the spot.
"I was only trying to help-" I tried weakly, pathetically. Just like me.
"I don't want your help," she snapped but something shifted in her eyes. It was fleeting but it was as if a small part of her was rebelling against her words. It made me realise that something wasn't right. She would never react like this just because I interrupted her work out. Something else must have happened.
"What happened? You're upset. Did someone hurt you?" The idea of someone harming her in anyway made my heart beat faster and my blood boil.
She snorted. I just stared at her in surprise. Her attitude was really beginning to scare me. It reminded me of the time when Vasilisa's spirit darkness had overcome her. Just before we...
Don't go there. Not now. Rose needs you.
"Yeah, you could say that," she scoffed with a roll of her eyes.
"Who?" I demanded, seething. I would hunt that fucker down...
Rose snorted again and looked at me disbelievingly. A sinking feeling started in my stomach even before she started talking.
"Just this guy, a badass Russian," she said, eerily calm. "He said he loved me and I believed him. I slept with him; gave him everything I had. I thought we would last." She laughed humourlessly. I felt as if all the blood was slowly leaving my body.
"He left. It wasn't his fault, I didn't blame him. How could I? It was an accident. But I went after him, because I loved him, I wanted to save him. But he chewed on me like a piece of meat and got off watching my spirit fade. I thought he might still love me, even if he was all twisted up on the inside. But he didn't. And I guess he never will. I wonder if he ever did," She looked almost thoughtful, as if some great mystery was being revealed to her.
Me? I was trembling with self loathing and horror. She couldn't honestly think like that could she?
"I guess he just saw me as an easy fuck, got what he wanted then ran."
"It wasn't like that!" I shouted, my fragile control rupturing. "I did love you! I did! I just, I can't, not anymore. You don't understand. I don't..." my voice cracked and he trailed off. How was I meant to finish that? I didn't even know myself.
"You don't love me. Yeah I get it," She spat. "I guess I'm only good for an afternoon snack now." She fingered the slightly raised scars on my neck; the scars I had left on her flesh.
Nausea swirled in my stomach as numerous images assaulted me, all of Rose looking lifeless and doped up as I sat above her with her blood on my lips.
"Don't say that," he pleaded. "Don't ever say that. You're worth so much more than that Roza." She had to know how amazing she was didn't she? She had to know how much she meant, to me and everyone around her. We would all fall apart without her.
She lashed out suddenly, her face contorted in new fury. I reacted instinctively and caught her arm before she could hit her intended target.
"I told you not to call me that," She hissed. "You have no right to call me that anymore!"
"Rose, please," I tried.
Don't push me away. I need you.
She ignored me and lashed out again with her left fist, catching me off guard. The blow landed hard on my collar bone and I couldn't contain my cry as I felt the bone shatter. Millions of pin pricks of pain flared across my shoulder and down my arm but it paled in comparison to the slicing of my heart when I took in Rose's expression.
Oh God, please no. Please, please, please. No...
She stood above me, panting, her face twisted with one emotion.
Hatred.
No, please. Rose I need you. I love you. Please.
Without another word she turned and left, taking my heart with her.
I don't know how long I sat on the floor of the gym with the silent tears teaming down my face but the sun soon made an appearance through the high windows. The squeak of the door opening made me jerk my head up hopefully. My hopes plummeted however when I saw Rose hadn't come back but instead Vasilisa had found me.
Lissa. She wants you to call her Lissa. Even in my head it sounded wrong.
"Dimitri..." she whispered as if she was afraid I would suddenly bolt. "What are you doing?"
I ignored her question. Truthfully I didn't know what I was doing. Had I just planned on sitting there until I finally died. The pain I was feeling would surely finish me off before long.
"How did you find me?" I asked instead.
"Your aura. I was practicing and well...Let's just say yours stood out from a long way off."
I laughed humourlessly.
"Dark?" I asked.
"Just a little," she answered dryly. "What happened?"
I sighed, not really wanting to relive it. But how could I deny her? I owed her everything.
"Rose..."
"What did Rose do?" She interrupted sharply.
"Nothing. Rose did nothing. It was me. I...I just wanted...She hates me," I whimpered. I should have been embarrassed by my obvious state of emotions but I didn't really care right then.
"She doesn't hate you," She argued softly. "She would do anything for you."
"Her fist says differently," I snorted. I didn't want to mention Rose's expression or I really would fall apart.
"She hit you?" Vasilisa exclaimed.
"Umm, I think she fractured my collar bone," I admitted a bit sheepishly. Under normal circumstances I would have been able to dodge easily but Rose was amazingly skilled at distracting me.
Before I could even finish the thought a hot-cold tingly feeling spread across my torso and down my chest. I froze before I realised what was happening. I tried to move away but it was too late. Rose wasn't even here and she could distract me, I though wryly.
"You shouldn't have done that Princess," I chastened her while moving my newly healed shoulder.
"Lissa," she corrected. "I want you to call me Lissa."
Lissa, Lissa, Lissa, Lissa.
Still doesn't sound right, I thought.
She smiled sardonically as if guessing my thoughts.
"Go and find her," she urged after a moment. "I think you two need to talk."
I nodded mutely before clambering to my feet. Lissa placed a comforting hand on my arm and I smiled weakly at her before leaving the room.
I had no idea where Rose would be but I had a nagging feeling she wouldn't be in her room so I avoided the dorms.
The sun was blinding as I wandered the grounds. It felt good to feel it on my skin and I didn't burst into flames, which was always a plus.
I eventually found her in a little alcove, head tipped back, bathing in the sunlight. Her skin came alive as it reflected the rays and she seemed to glow with unearthly beauty. She stiffened slightly and I know she knew I was there.
"Rose, we have to talk."
She opened her eyes and looked at me almost wearily, all the earlier anger seeming to have evaporated.
That was until I noticed something different about her.
She...what?...why?...But she...
She was talking and I think I answered but my head was suddenly cloudy as I stared at her in horror.
She...she...she...
"What have you done?" I whispered.
"Dimitri, what are you on about?" She questioned, appearing frustrated.
Heat swamped my body and I suddenly had her pinned up against the building.
"This," I hissed. "What the hell have you done to your hair?"
Her hair, her beautiful waterfall of chestnut hair...was gone.
"I cut it," she replied meekly.
"I can see that," I seethed. "Why?"
"You always loved my hair," she explained quietly. "I just wanted rid of the reminder."
I closed my eyes as anguished gripped me.
No, no, no, no, no. Roza, Please.
"You hate me."
Rose squeaked, as if surprised by my obvious revelation. Maybe she was just shocked it took me this long to figure it out.
"Why on earth do you think that?" She demanded. I opened my eyes in astonished at her tone. She almost sounded angry.
"I could see it in your eyes, when you hit me. I just didn't want to believe it. But this confirms it." I tugged on her hair again, revelling in the feeling of it between my fingers. One last time...
"No," she whispered, shaking my head slowly. "I could never hate you. I love you, you complete moron."
No you don't. I'm a monster.
I leant my forehead against hers and breathed her in.
"Why?" I whispered, barely auditable to my own ears but she heard me.
Her hand on my cheek surprised me and I resisted the urge to shiver at her gentle touch.
"You want to know why? Because you do everything with such determination and skill it makes my knees weak. You're like an avenging angel when you're fighting for something, and you always give it your all. You're strong, smart and even though this may sound weird, you're beautiful, inside and out."
"But I hurt you, you said so yourself," I muttered defiantly. All the same I couldn't help the swell of hope that formed in the pit of my stomach.
Please, Roza. Please.
"Yes, you did." I flinched involuntarily at the thought of anyone bringing her pain, especially me, even if I knew it was true. "What you said, in the church, it'll probably always hurt. But if you didn't mean then I can forgive you, and I have a feeling, right now, you didn't mean it." She looked down at her feet as if afraid of my reaction.
I wanted to respond, to scream at her that of course I didn't mean it, that she was everything to me, that I loved her. But I couldn't find my voice as the tears once again began to spill down my cheeks for this irresistible girl.
She looked up at me, her eyes hesitant but hopeful and my heart swelled for her happiness.
"You didn't mean it, did you?" she asked as a grin spread across her face.
I shook my head, still unable to speak and suddenly she was in my arms, clinging to me. I held her fiercely not wanting to let an inch of space get between us as my heart took off rapidly with relief and joy.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I need you. I love you.
My hand slid automatically to the back of her head and I sighed when I remembered the cut locks.
"It'll grow back," she told me softly and I smiled lightly. Hopefully we would grow back as well.
Thank-you Roza. Thank-you.
AN/
Let me know what you thought. Liking a bit of DPOV?
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MJ
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