Thanks for all the reviews on the second chapter! This chapter deals more with Danny and Jamie together. Tell me what you think!
Chapter 3 – Danny's Tale
Danny stopped by the house on his way back from his shift, hoping to talk to Jamie some more. He passed his father on the way in.
"Hey Dad, Jamie in?"
"Yeah he's on the couch watching MTV," Frank said buttoning his jacket, "he was sent home early today."
"What? Why?"
"The school called, he had some sort of panic attack in the bathroom."
"What?" Danny whispered in shock, "Oh my God."
"That's not all," Frank continued gravely, "Apparently he had been hallucinating… he said he saw blood all over the place during History class."
"Dad! Tell me you're kidding?" Danny said in horror.
Frank turned to son in anguish. "I really wish I was. I think we need to get him some help Danny. I think the shooting affected him in more ways than we know. He's been distant, not acting like himself and he hasn't been sleeping at all. I haven't seen him like this in months, not since the day after the shooting."
"Do you think that's what's wrong with him?" Danny asked with worry. "The panic attacks… it's because he's remembering the shooting?"
"I thought it got better for a while but…" Frank didn't have to say anymore, just finished his sentence with a look.
"So why the hell won't he say anything?" Danny demanded angrily, "He knows how much we wanna help him!"
"I know Danny," Frank said placidly, "but between you and me, he thinks he can handle this all on his own."
"Damn Reagan pride," Danny muttered in a huff.
"Well you should know all about that!" Frank chuckled.
"All right, so I guess I'll talk with him… figure something out." Danny said with a sigh.
"If anyone can get through to him it's you son. Just remember that he's your brother, not a suspect in questioning." Frank advised sternly.
"I know Dad!" Danny said slightly offended, "It just makes it harder because he's my brother…I don't know," he shuffled his feet awkwardly.
"Danny I've been doing this job a long, long time and I've watched people come and go. It's always different when it's someone you don't know. You forget about them in time. But, when it's your own flesh and blood, someone who you've watched grow up, that protective feeling will always be there, no matter what." Frank clapped his son on the shoulder, "You're going to be a father soon and then you'll be able to understand everything I did and everything I continue to do for you and your brothers and sister, is out of pure good intentions."
"Thanks Dad." Danny said softly.
"I gotta get to work," Frank said with a smile, he was halfway down the front steps when he turned and called back to Danny. "By the way, don't be too hard on yourself for the static in your relationship with Jamie. I think it's actually because you and him are a lot similar than you both realize."
"What?" Danny laughed, "Me and Jamie? What are you talking about? We couldn't be more different!"
Frank just shrugged his shoulders, "It's just an observation. I'm just making a point, one day, years from now, that might come in useful." He turned to leave.
"Observation? What like a cop or a father?" Danny called out. Frank just tipped his hat and left.
Danny found Jamie curled up on the couch in the living room, just staring at the television, not really watching it. Danny cautiously sat down next to him. "Hey kid, you feeling any better?" he asked softly. "Dad's really worried about you."
Jamie tried to watch the guys from Sum 41 jump around the stage, he didn't want to talk to anyone right now.
Danny turned the TV off, leaving Jamie to just stare at the blank screen. "I heard about what happened in school today;" Danny said hesitantly, "Dad said that you were like this… you know, the day after the shooting." Jamie still kept quiet. "Is that what this is all about?"
Jamie glanced at Danny but still said nothing. Danny leaned towards him, "Jamie has something happened? Has something brought it all back?"
You don't even know the half of it, Jamie wanted to say. He wanted so badly to just tell it all. Danny nudged him, "Talk to me kid. Look whatever it is it's better out than in." Jamie swallowed hard, "We can talk about it."
"It won't help," Jamie suddenly moaned.
"It will kid. Remember what Ma used to say? Something about halving your troubles so you can share them ?"
"No Danny," Jamie sighed, "it was, a trouble shared is a trouble halved."
"Right, sure, basically you don't have to go through this alone." Danny stared at the floor for what seemed like the longest time before he finally said quietly, "I do know what you're going through you know."
"No you don't." Jamie said automatically.
"I do."
"You can't."
"I watched a kid die too. Remember the Dalton robbery, October 1996? You had just turned thirteen at the time. Me and my old partner, Louis, we were trying to stop a robbery in some grocery store in Midtown. So anyway there we were, trying to keep this – lunatic calm, he had this boy in a headlock and held a gun to his head. This kid… he was the same age as you were."
Danny tried to smile at Jamie but his eyes were shining. "And the whole time I just saw you. Held in that grip." Danny clenched his hand into a tight fist. "So there I was aiming my gun at the robber," Danny re-enacted the moment, using his fingers as a gun.
"He was holding a gun to the kid," Danny aimed the gun at Jamie's head. "And Louis was gonna tackle him from behind. I stupidly, signalled at him. The guy saw and… long story short Jamie… he blew the kid's head off and then shot my partner over his shoulder. It all happened so fast, I felt so powerless."
Jamie watched his brother tell his story, he wasn't ashamed to be honest and Jamie admired that. "That must've been… really hard to watch." Jamie said sensitively. Danny nodded, staring at the floor.
"Louis survived, but the kid didn't. I didn't even know his name until I saw it briefly mentioned in the paper. Luke Coleman. When it happened I remember it so well. You just can't forget something like that. I felt numb inside, and so alone. But you're not alone. You've got me," Danny said firmly, "you've got all of us. I'm your brother and I know we've had our moments but I would walk through fire for you."
Jamie swallowed hard over the aching lump in his throat. This was the first time in forever when he and Danny have ever had a deep conversation. Never would Danny have admitted that if Jamie wasn't in any kind of trouble. Danny thought that after he said that to Jamie, he'd feel very awkward and embarrassed, but honestly he didn't. Instead he just felt this strong, fuelling desire to help his brother and get the truth out of him.
"Tell me what's on your mind kid," Danny coaxed.
"I already told you, talking won't help!" Jamie whined, burying his face in a cushion, "Nothing can help me."
"Sit up," Danny ordered, "come on, get up." He tugged the cushion away from Jamie and pulled him up.
"No…I don't want to…Danny can't you just leave me alone?" Jamie asked wearily.
"No! Do you really think I'm gonna let you just sit here and wallow in peace?" Danny challenged.
"When have you ever let me do anything in peace?" Jamie retorted with exhaustion.
"Look, lying around isn't going to help either. I know you feel…everywhere you turn… you're reminded of Jared."
"Danny I really don't wanna talk-"
"And I don't blame you! After the robbery, I went walking down Little Italy to try and clear my head. Everywhere I looked, there were kids, boys your age, like Luke Coleman, running around, hanging out … living their lives, just like they should be doing. I just couldn't get away from them. Even when I was at home. Sometimes I'd stand and watch you from the window, playing basketball with Joe and thinking, that kid would never shoot another hoop again. And I felt so angry and so upset and I didn't tell anyone what had happened. Apparently, according to grandpa, it's ordinary to watch people die when you're on the job, no matter how old they are. Well it didn't feel that ordinary to me. I was Joe's age and only on the job a year. I just kept it all bottled up inside." Danny heaved a sigh and then continued.
"So I'm sitting outside this restaurant, with a huge glass of wine, and then this girl comes up to me, she must've been about twenty something. She said that she'd been watching me and I had an interesting face."
They both let out a small laugh. "Not handsome, or charming, or gorgeous but interesting. Anyway she turned out to be an art student or something and she wanted to sketch me. So she's sitting there with her sketch pad, I'm sitting there with my wine and I don't know what happened but it all just came, pouring out." Danny turned to Jamie, "Everything. She just sat there for a long time and didn't say a word. Then she said to me, that I needed time to grieve. And I told her; I said to her, I said, I barely knew the kid and it happens all the time in a cops world. That kid was a victim. She said no, he wasn't a victim. He was a person." Danny broke out of his trance, "Then she got up and walked away."
"Did you ever see her again?" Jamie asked, enthralled by his brother's tale.
"Yeah," a small smile played around Danny's lips, "so have you."
"I have?" Jamie replied in surprise.
"Yep. Three years later I married her."
"Oh!" both brothers laughed. "I never knew that."
Danny shrugged, still smiling, "Yeah well I never told anyone that story before. It seemed embarrassing for people to know me in such a weakened state."
"I guess it makes sense now. When you and Linda first got together I thought she was definitely not your type," Jamie admitted. "When you were in high school you had different girls calling the house every month. Linda just… didn't seem like one of them."
"That's what something like this can do. It changes people. And sometimes not for the better."
Jamie swallowed again.
"But my point kid is that Linda was just a stranger then, and I felt so much better after. Just letting it all out, after talking about it." He placed a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder, "And you will Jamie if you just talk to me."
"It doesn't matter," Jamie said, tears threatening to spill, he bit down on his lip and forced them away. "I don't deserve to be a cop anyway."
"That's not true!" Danny said, astonished by his brother's lack of self-esteem, "You'll be an awesome cop!"
"You're wrong!" Jamie whimpered.
"I know what you're like."
"You don't know anything!"
"You are an amazing person," Danny said soothingly.
Jamie just shook his head. "No I'm not." He wished Danny would shut up, he didn't know what he was saying!
"And when you graduate from the police academy," Danny continued, thinking he was making things better but unaware he was actually making them worse, "I'm gonna be there to remind you that you're just like all the other Reagan boys. Another boot in a suit! Jamie, you're gonna be one of the best cops in the city."
"I'm not good enough to be a cop! I'm not even good enough to be a Reagan!" Jamie spat, with complete and utter self-loathing.
"Don't say stuff like that Jamie!" Danny ordered, taken aback by his brother's disgusted tone. "Don't you ever say that again, you've had a shock and now – now you don't know what you're talking about!"
"I'm a traitor!" The words tumbled out of Jamie's mouth.
"No you're not!" Danny dismissed, after a very heavy pause. "Come here," Danny wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him into a hug to shut him up, just like he used to when he was little.
"Danny get off! You don't know me like you think you do!" Jamie said through gritted teeth, trying to break free of Danny's strong embrace.
"Yes I do -"
"I'm not the golden boy you think I am! I'm a bad person Danny!" Jamie whispered, in a childlike manner .
"Don't you dare say you're bad!" Danny commanded. " I've known you your whole life and I know there's not a bad bone in your body!"
"But – but I've done a really bad thing Danny," Jamie sniffled.
"No!" Danny denied, trying to stay strong, "I'm – I'm sure that's not true."
"It is true!" Jamie said forlornly.
"Then what have you done? What could you of all people, have done that's so bad?" Danny asked trying to inject some control back into his voice.
"I can't tell you!" Jamie groaned. "I want to but you won't want to know me when you do."
Danny sighed in frustration. "Jamie, do you remember the time when you were about six years old and you accidently rode over a small badger with your bike?
"Yeah I remember," Jamie sniffed, the memory suddenly soaring to the front of his mind.
"You came running into the house, you were crying so hard, and you wouldn't tell anyone why. Then Joe and me found you in the tree house and you were still crying, and you kept saying you did something bad." Jamie nodded, "Then in the end you eventually told us what happened and you clutched onto my hand and led us to the badger. We found out that he wasn't really dead, he was just hurt. Can you remember what happened next?"
"You guys bathed him and bandaged him up!" Jamie said smiling. Danny nodded and returned the smile.
"We took you to the vet, he fixed the little guy up and everything was all right!" Danny said reassuringly.
"This is never gonna be all right though!" Jamie said panicking.
"It might be," Danny said decisively, "I might be able to make it all right."
"You can't!"
Danny placed a reassuring hand on his brother, "Either way, you'll feel a lot better if you talk about it. Trust me." Jamie didn't say anything. He couldn't. He didn't even know where to begin.
"Jamie, this thing that you did whatever it is… when you did it at the time; did you think it was the right thing to do?"
Jamie could feel Danny's cop stare burning into his eyes. He looked away and contemplated. "Well… I -I wasn't thinking straight – but – yeah I guess so! If you knew the situation then you'd know that I had no choice and it seemed like the only thing to do at the time-"
"Exactly! Exactly! So how can you be a bad person if it was the right thing?" Danny asked fiercely. "How can that little kid who could be so upset over a badger, a kid who begged Ma to let us keep the thing until it was better, could ever be bad?"
Jamie bit his quivering lip, "I don't know what to do Danny!" His brother hooked his arm around him quickly.
"Why what happened? Just tell me!" Danny demanded.
A wave of dizziness suddenly hit Jamie again, his throat was getting tighter. "I can't tell you!" Jamie leapt up from the chair and ran into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, his back to the door, counting to ten carefully.
"Jamie…" Danny burst into the kitchen and stopped when he saw Jamie hunched over the counter. Jamie, without realizing it, just sank to the floor. With caution, Danny knelt down next to him and grabbed Jamie's head gently with one hand.
"Jamie I promise you that whatever you tell me, I will not think any different of you!" Danny whispered firmly, "I have watched you grow up! I taught you how to ride a bike and tie your shoes! Whenever anyone has ever threatened or bullied you didn't I make sure they never touched you again?"
"You're gonna hate me," Jamie warned again, trying to twist his head out of his brother's grasp.
"No!" Danny shook his head, "Listen, I might be an NYPD cop but I was your big brother long before I joined the force and I will be long after! So whatever you did, I am on your side!"
Jamie lent against the cupboard, feeling the hard wood dig into his back. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them. "I guess I still think back to that day at the mall. It was the worst thing I'd ever seen. When I was lying face down on the floor, listening to the sound of the gunshots and people screaming, all I kept thinking about were the good memories I had with you guys and how I thought I'd never see any of you again. Camping trips, birthday parties, locking ourselves up in the tree house every Halloween, the time you and Joe dared me to go into that -!"
"I – I get it, Jamie I get it," Danny nodded in understanding and sympathy.
"I know we always fight but I love all of you guys and being in that mall at that place, at that time was the worst experience of my life!" Jamie banged his head repetitively on the cupboard.
"Stop it!" Danny protectively placed his hand in between his brother's head and the cupboard. "Look, Jamie if you're worried about the Sniper, don't be, he's gone and he's never coming back."
Jamie felt his stomach plummet, his heart started to beat faster, he felt overwhelmingly sick.
"So what's been eating you kid?" Danny asked quietly. "And I want the truth this time."
Jamie took a deep shuddering breath. Okay, here it goes, it was now or never.
"Danny, there's something I need to tell you about that day. Something you need to know." Jamie said timidly.
"Okay!" Danny tried not to sound too relieved but he was glad his brother was finally opening up.
"Danny, Jared's death… it was my fault."
To be continued...