Third chapter ! I'm pretty fast these days, I know, but this work has been something I've been wanting to write for so long !
Something important by the way, as I cut it in a pretty special way : please don't forge to look at the timeline at the beginning of every chapter!
As usual, tell me what you thought in a review 3 Luv ya all !
The liar
AC217
I'm a liar. Actually, I'm even an awful liar, one of those people able to show you a wild smile, full of white teeth, when they can't even stand your last words. I'm able to laugh when the only thing I have in mind is to rip your face off your head with my own hands. I can tell you the sweetest words when I just want to spill my most awful thoughts at you.
I'm able to smile at you in the softest way, to say "Congratulation" with the nicest tone to someone about to get married. To someone I love. To the one I've always wanted from the beginning, through the war, through the years, through our common despair.
On the day Trowa Barton had decided to marry Catherine Bloom, I had felt like I was losing something I couldn't even explain. The power I'd always tried not to use was just too much to restrain on such a day. I couldn't talk, letting Duo worry about my behavior.
I couldn't take it. Did you know, Trowa, that I never liked that woman? Did you know that I'd just always been jealous of her and her ability to get closer and closer to you?
Did you know how bad I needed you?
Did you know how the only sound of your voice was enough to make me feel appeased when the Heart of outer space was taking me deeper and deeper in people darkness? Did you know how hard I was trying to focus on your voice when theirs was yelling in my mind as if in my ears? Did you know how important every of your words were in those moments?
Maybe you never cared, maybe you never noticed. In those moments, I just kept silent, pretending being busy reading when you were reading the next mission file with that slow, peaceful voice of yours. I loved that, no matter how awful the pain in my mind and heart was.
I never felt good. I never told you. After all, I'm Quatre Raberba Winner. After all, I'm the Prince of desert. Did you know that I could hear the four of you when you were talking, thinking that I was already sleeping next to you?
And when sadness was overwhelming me, I had just told myself 'This is Heart of Outer Space's fault'. I knew how wrong I was. I knew all of it.
I was just a human being, full of desire, full of hatred, full of unfilled love.
I wanted to vomit. Because of her, because of you, because of them, because of their voices, because of your gaze on me, because of your attention on her, because of my loneliness, because of my fears, because of that unbearable affection I'd put on you.
Because of me. Because of the trash I'd become by following my feelings, because of the awful liar I'd been showing to you all those years long.
I never told you about my abilities, hiding my true nature every day.
I never told you why I couldn't sleep by night when you were around me. You or another. Would you have understood how people's nightmares enter my mind and take possession of my thoughts, the fear crawling in my veins, the pain climbing under my skin, making me shiver and tremble, making me whining pitifully, making me scream like a damned, like I was going to die, because I was feeling that way in those moments.
By night, I was dying, unable to say a word, my fingers and nails trying uselessly to scratch my skin in order to reach my painful heart. Every night, I thought it was the last. I learned how to stay silent when I started living with the four of you.
And so, I thought I would die alone, in silence.
In the end, I wanted to die in silence. I wanted you to remember me like the friend you couldn't save. Like the friend you finally didn't know anything about. Like the friend you finally didn't care so much.
Did I succeed? Are you alone, alone in your own thoughts, alone with yourself like I've always been?
Drowning myself every night in everyone's thoughts, in everyone's pain, in everyone's fears wasn't something I could endure for my whole life. I knew that trying to take it all by myself would only lead me to some insane way of being.
I wanted to cry. I needed to cry over my weakness, for not telling you anything. I needed you. I wanted you, just so bad, and still I couldn't show any of this, choosing to close the door of both our hearts.
"Don't reject me." I heard myself murmur. I heard, only. Did I speak? Did I move? Did you look at me? Did you only hear my heart?
And now?
Now, I was just good enough to earn that despicable gaze of yours, with those two green and sharp apples I knew by heart.
Did you know?
Your gaze always made me shiver and tremble.
Your gaze always made me whine pitifully.
Your gaze always made me scream like a damned, like I was going to die, because I was feeling that way in those moments.
You always made me feel like my awful heart always did.
"Trowa, don't be too hard with hi—"
But the pain came, no matter how Duo praised him –maybe trying to stop him. I felt my head turn violently on my neck under the shock, the sore feeling of Trowa's fist still burning my jaw. I hoped he broke something in my face, the huge pain eradiating my mouth.
I didn't need to look at them, eyes closed, chin down. I could feel them. Even Duo. That soft feeling, that soft pain emanating from his body was an aura I hadn't got to know until now. For the first time, Duo let me enter his heart and feelings. Or rather, he let me see. He let me hear.
I want to pray for you, my friend. I want you to know you're not alone. He could have said such a thing. That's what his heart was yelling at me.
Duo had been the only one to know everything. I never needed to tell him, he always managed to guess things pretty easily. I didn't need to look at him, my eyes locked on the shining slipping floor of the court. I could hear Relena's sobs, in the first line of the people who'd come to the trial.
I could feel Heero's incomprehension; I could feel his hand on Relena's shoulder, the tedious heat linking them skin against skin. I swallowed at the thought while Trowa's anger was running under my skin, making my heart race like hell.
Trowa's hatred. Trowa's anger. Trowa's pain. Trowa's broken heart.
The dull pain was violently muscled in my veins, pulsing to my heart. Have you ever wonder how it was like, feeling others? His hatred was thickly crawling under my epidermis, like a bunch of maggots swarming along my body. His anger was like a bouquet of points heading to drill my nerves. His pain was like a flow of acid running down my throat.
His heart—
His heart made me cry. It made me cry for my faults, it made me cry for the pain I imposed to myself for years, for my life.
"QUATRE—!"
I hoped I would die from his broken heart.
At night, I always thought I would die under someone's despair.
I, somehow, wanted you to kill me, Trowa.